Christmas Little Joys

Christmas is approaching faster than expected and I'm beyond EXCITED! 
As you may already know, Christmas is my favourite holiday (it hasn't come close to my favourite time of the year though, the first day of Autumn), and feeling jolly is quite a perk during December! 

Between the movies and the songs that have been playing on my laptop, phone or even outside in the streets, I've been even more homesick than usual. You cannot imagine how much I want to be in Ireland at this moment, being able to breathe fresh air (somehow the air isn't the same in France), drink my tea with a full creamy, perfect milk and being able to order a pint of Guinness knowing it's going to be amazingly delicious... Sounds horrid, pathetic, nonetheless all that, I managed to get a few things to cheer me up, it is Christmas time after all. Everyone should be happy! 

First off... A friend of mine got a tiny Christmas Tree, called him Norbert (don't ask why that name, I don't know myself... He just decided Norbert was a good idea which is entirely debatable). We couldn't get a tree at my place, my friend isn't into Christmas and we live with a cat that would have destroyed the tree no matter what. So I got a tree at my friend's place, good thing I go there enough to see it!

Then... We've got the homesick feeling that is back. I want to be back in Ireland, badly, and I can't. A friend back home was asking when I was coming back, not knowing what to tell him made me feel awful. Also a big part of why I'm so homesick these past few days. I paused the Christmas films and decided to get back on Irish TV... Laugh at me all you want but you've got to understand that Irish TV for me is pretty much, friends hanging around on the couch, drinking tea, eating cookies or crips, and watching programmes such as Gogglebox or the Naked Attraction which are both British programmes. I mean it's funny and I missed watching it in the evening when we had a long day of work. For a few days now, all I've been watching is Gogglebox and there are about twelve seasons so I'm caught up for a while which makes me happy. 

Next stop...I've been cooking again, and this time without red wine to distract me. I usually drink while cooking, either a beer or red wine just to keep me going. A way to enjoy cooking to the fullest. Made this simple spinach, artichoke and chicken recipe, it was delicious, didn't last two days like I anticipated, let's blame my dear friend who I live with... 

Christmas has been good, too much shopping for others but I don't regret one bit! Cool presents are going to be given and I'm proud of it. 
This time... I'm mostly looking forward to the new year which will be coming after Christmas Day. Getting a fresh new start sounds wonderful especially after this year. Not sure why 2017 and 2018 were terrible years between fires, mudslides, deaths, my health going bad, a dream coming to an end, and so on. I just want the year to be over so I can look forward to the next Christmas and this time... I'll be preparing my list of presents a bit earlier! No offence to the late buyers who loves the rush but I hate to not have my gifts on time! 

Enjoy your Christmas and family if you are with them. I know I'll be spending it with my friend, drinking... 

~Bella  

Let's sit and chat for a bit...

I don't know about you, but I've been questioned more often about the situation of France than my own situation, and if you don't know what's going on, well let me tell you a bit... 

Gilet Jaunes, Yellow vests... 
I'll make it short! It's pretty much...
A large group of protesters who are protesting against the government, against the rise of taxes and how unfair everything seems... The protest became violent as the president wasn't moving much and to be honest still doesn't move. 
Obviously, it's a bit more complex but if you are intrigued, here are some websites you can read a lot more about it all...

https://www.npr.org/2018/12/03/672862353/who-are-frances-yellow-vest-protesters-and-what-do-they-want?t=1544559157733

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-

46513189https://www.rte.ie/news/europe/2018/1208/1015963-france-yellow-vests-protests/

You will see photos and some good material! 

To make it clear I am NOT in Paris at the moment and I ain't planning on going there either. So stop asking if I'm okay because I am... This riot is far from simple to explain, I don't fully understand the taxes back in France (they are high), and I certainly don't pay attention to the political side of the country which may be a stupid bloody idea but I ain't interested at all. 
This riot shows how uneducated people can be! How bloody idiotic some people when they are under stress. The violence between civilians, students, the police and military is beyond me. I do not understand how they decided to be okay with this type of behaviour! 
I'm all up for a good revolution but this riot is far from what I can imagine! One would say I'm the peaceful type of person, but on the contrary, don't get me too mad or else little me becomes big me. It's not easy to be heard, especially when it concerns a government, but what they are doing is terrorizing people on the street, getting hurt, pushing too far and expecting nothing in return. 

How many protestors have gotten hurt? Too many to count, too many have been seen on videos. What I don't understand is how can someone expect to be treated as a good person when they are the ones pushing the buttons, pushing others to hurt them! 

I just see this whole blow up in their faces because ignorance is all over. It makes me feel sad, but then again... France is kind of like the USA, there's always something this stupid happening. There's always going to be something happening because being on the front page of social media, the news, the papers is better than being a boring safe country...

I don't expect anyone to understand my point of view, to agree with me, I don't personally care. What I care about is the fact that people are making bigger mistakes, talking about politics in front of kids, and not educate themselves before making more mistakes... 

In other words, if you want more about the Yellow vest, look it up online or talk to someone in Paris, I'm sure you'll hear stories!

~Bella 

Christmas month... Couldn't be happier!

December has arrived and I couldn't be happier. 

It's the perfect time to be jolly, to grab hot wine, hot chocolate with Baileys, Christmas songs and movies, the Christmas shopping and the obvious Christmas market...

Edinburgh Christmas Market 2018

Since it's December and we all have to wait for Christmas Day to arrive, I went through the list of my favourite Christmas films. One for each day... I started with my all times favourite which I'm sure is a classic....

Day 1- Love Actually! 
A classic that will always take everyone into a loving, joyful mood, and how can we forget the famous dance of Hugh Grant. 

Day 2- The Nightmare Before Christmas!
Famous Tim Burton's got it right with this film. Perfect for a family film... After Halloween... It's just perfect!

Day 3- Elf!
This one is most likely to be a favourite with the humour and Will Ferrell's acting is brilliant, everyone falls for the cuteness.

Day 4- How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
If you want to fall in love with a cute movie with an adorable child who saves Christmas then this movie is for you!

Day 5- The Santa Claus!
Growing up with this film made me fall in love with Christmas and the hot chocolate! 

Day 6- The Santa Claus 2!
If you watch the first might as well continue!

Day 7- The Santa Claus 3!
After two movies, let's finish the trilogy!

Day 8- Home Alone!
Full of laughs and cute moments, it's one of the classics...

Day 9- Miracle on 34th Street!
One more classic, many versions, and all of them are just amazingly cute! A family film for sure!

Day 10- Scrooged!
The story is beautiful, the lessons are powerful!

Day 11- Angela's Christmas!
A 2018 Irish Christmas film which is beyond adorable! How can I not put an Irish film on the list? It's adorable and everyone is falling hard for it. How can you not?

Day 12- The Polar Express!
I remember watching it with my brothers when I was younger and each year we had to watch the film and read the book!

Day 13- A Charlie Brown Christmas!
An American classic, one I will surely watch for the first time... I needed to add it to the list because I found it pointless not to put it. 

Day 14- White Christmas!
Classics are always best especially during this season! 

Day 15- Home Alone 2!
Another great movie, one you cannot skip!

Day 16- The Grinch!
A 2018 movie, Dr.Seuss always had wonderful books, and the film will be just as delightful to watch. 

Day 17- A Christmas Carol!
Same as Scrooged, but more a family style film. 

Day 18- Bad Santa!
If you are looking for more adult fun, go for it!

Day 19- It's a Wonderful Life!
One classic at a time, this one deserves more credit!

Day 20- Frozen!
I mean it's not specifically Christmas but it has snow and long lasting songs. We all know how 'Let It Go' get stuck in your head for days.

Day 21- Rudolph, the Red-Nose Reindeer!
Used to watch it when I was a kid, cute cartoon that made me think about my red nose when I was sick. 

Day 22- One Magic Christmas!
It's been a while since this movie, but a Disney film nonetheless!

Day 23- Gremlins!
If you want a spooky Christmas film, this one will be perfect! 

Day 24- 
Anything you want... I know I'll probably end up watching 'Love Actually', 'Angela's Christmas', ' Angela's Ashes' or 'The Snapper', an Irish classic which if it comes on the tele, you will end up watching it again no matter.

This year, Netflix is taking down Love Actually so if you are a fan, watch it sooner than later!  But it does reserve us amazing new films, and I cannot wait to get through the list of films and songs myself... After all, even if you are an adult, you will watch cartoons and family films because Christmas has the power to let everyone become a child all over again!

~Bella

"Aithníonn ciaróg ciaróg eile"

"A beetle recognises another beetle" or simply... "It takes ones to know one"... 

A friend of mine once told me that quote and since that day, it hasn't left me. Irish... Oh, don't I miss hearing it on the train or seeing it written on almost everything. 

I would have never thought I would be in another country when my mother was in Ireland. I would have never thought that I wouldn't be there when she was. And yet... There it was, the "never would happen", happened! 

I'm in France and she is in Ireland since November 27th when she arrived in Dublin. 

Despite my love for my dear mother, a part of me envy her. Jealous to see how she is home while I ain't, while she made a choice with my friend to make me leave the country. 

Hard to explain how something so tiny can affect you. Hard to recognise that it was for the best... 

I wouldn't change what happened, but accepting it has become harder each day.

Ireland, a country takes a whole lot of my love (don't worry, it seems like I have a big enough heart to hold a lot more), and I cannot deny it. It's only a feeling of belonging to a place where I can breathe fresh air, hold myself warm in a blanket while watching the rain outside the living room window, the smell of Guinness spilled on the pub's floor... Missing the long train rides, and the walks along the waterfront. I miss it all, but what can it do to dwell on it all? 

Keeping a good memory of it, trying to get the same tea brand back in France, the same scents which I do find when I walk by a bakery (surprisingly) and let's be honest, I do miss my fish and chips... I miss calling fries "chips" and miss speaking English or hearing it all the bloody time between the accents and the expressions... 

Funny thing is I could go on and on about everything I miss about Ireland and not get tired of it. I wouldn't mind stating every good thing and bad ones as well just to get it out of my chest... But what a boring post would that be... 

So to get back to the point of this post if does have one... I need to make a choice. To decide what's next for me, for my health, my relationships, my future. Sounds completely idiotic considering I'm still in my early twenties but trust me, if I could have been thirthy like my friend, I would! 

Choices... Hilarious... My last choice, wasn't mine, all I did was follow it through without crying my eyes out. Where should I go? Should I stay in France for a while and see where it leads me? Or should I save up every penny to move back to Ireland...? 

I can't even write a proper post. How regretable! All I can think of is how pathetic I may sound when I tell myself that everything is fine, but my facial expressions tell a different story. Because deep down, I'm completely lost. Lost between what is needed for me at the moment and what I truly desire which is a blur, a fogged out little thought that won't come through to let me make a decision. 

Why? Why is so complex to make a decision? 

Sometimes, I wish I was back in in a different time period kind of like how the TV show "Outlander" made it... Falling in love with a brave Scottish soldier, seeing something else, be someone else, start fresh and be lost ... 

What can I say, one can only dream! 

~Bella

Coming back to Europe

What a few months I had... But I'm back in Europe, tired but I'm "home" after over nine years. 

I could start with the good that is happening but that may lead to a novel just like stating all the negatives and I don't feel like writing too much about it. So I thought it would be an eye-opening for some people if I talked about how it is to be in my early twenties, living in France and how financially, relationship wise, and how my view of certain things have changed over the course of a few months. I'm positive that many young people have either experienced or are experiencing my current situation. And to be fairly honest, it's always needed to hear that we aren't alone in a current matter. We never are! 

I'm in France, living with my friend and her housemate with a cat, needy, cuddly cat. Close enough to about everything, and despite my "I don't want to get out", I still go out on occasions (mostly grocery shopping or the rare drinking at the pub nights). Great location, enough space, and I'm free to do as I wish which is always a little plus! 
France wasn't my first choice, my choice at all, but a needed one. I don't regret it but the homesick feeling, the simpler life back in Ireland is missed, greatly missed. Between the people, the drinks, and the little towns where everything is easy to get to is missed. I'm not saying France doesn't have little towns, but I just miss the feeling of home. But right now, I'm in France and I have my own choices to make! 

First, my living situation! Either I stay in France, look for a cheap apartment close to downtown, to everything, or I try to move back to Ireland. Sounds simple, I mean obviously I would pick Ireland, but is it in my best interest at this current moment or should I wait until I have a lot more money?  This leads to number two...

Second, financially... I'm in my early 20's, meaning saving up money is nearly impossible especially in my case. Coming from California, you have to realize that you cannot save up any money because rent is above expensive and the living accommodations aren't always cheap either (groceries, bills...)
I already got it bad by living in California and spending money on rent, but when you start living around, try to please yourself with little things, or buy people things, it could end up being a nightmare. A real nightmare. Money goes away faster than it comes in... So right now, living at my friends, helping out with rent could be the best solution, for the time being. It's not like I don't have a job, I do have one and I'm sure I'll get a better pay soon enough. But by living in France, I kind of want my own little studio or one bedroom apartment. A way to have people over without worrying if it's going bother anyone not that it will... This lead to number three...

Third, relationships... I mean friendship as well... Any relationship is very complex at the moment and I believe it's my fault. Care too much, make mistakes, say whatever I think maybe at the wrong time, and instead of explaining things I just ignore and leave. Somehow I managed to have low energy in this category. Don't feel like meeting new people, don't feel like rebuilding. It's hard to trust again, and when I think I did with someone, I had to mess things up. Doesn't seem like it matters much if it was a friend or more than a friend. I will mess everything up. Talk about having a power, I believe I just discovered mine, the destructor. Coming back to France made me think a lot about friends, how I'm supposed to speak to EVERYONE in French even though it is a pain at times, I'm more comfortable in English. It feels more like I'm closing myself, completely, shutting myself off, slowly but surely. 

They say, "You are young, you've got your whole life ahead of you..." but expect you to have it figured out. Make important decisions and expect you to follow through without issues. I'm young, yes, I ain't denying it, but I never truly felt that young, preferring to make my own decisions, making tons of mistakes. But this time, I'm tired, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to be an adult without assistance, without a support, an aid. And shutting yourself isn't a solution, I know it's not and yet it's exactly what I'm doing. Funny thing is I'm the one who should listen to my own advice, look myself in the mirror and tell myself how everything will be okay.  
Do we ever take our own advice? 
For people who have been asking me when I'm coming back to California, I'm not going back. Stop asking, there's no reason for me to go back. 
For the people who keep asking me what's my plan... I don't know, I still haven't figured it out yet, and I don't believe I will anytime soon. Give me a good reason to stay in France? Give me some reason to go back home to Ireland? Give me some advice maybe you'll be helping me see things through instead of trying to force something that isn't coming. 

If you are in a similar situation, don't take any advice from people who only want to be selfish. Listen to yourself as well, make mistakes, learn from them, and be smile because it's not the end just yet... It's only the beginning!

~Bella

Break is over and reality hits you!

Hello back...

As you can tell, I'm back and running again! 
Lots have happened since my last post back in June... From quitting both my jobs, getting an online job and moving back to Europe! I spent a little over a month in Ireland, mostly in Waterford and I'm currently in France living at my friend's place until things calm down... 

What I mean by calm down... I started my new job not too long ago, so financially I'm unstable as I had to pay my friend back for my flight to France and other things... Europe is cheaper than America but when things don't turn out for the best, money runs away from you! It hides into the shadows and disappears fast! 
A dream came to an end for multiple personal reasons, if you want to read more about it, here is a blog post which I wrote not too long ago https://wander.media/what-i-want-and-what-happened
Not too long but it does talk about how my dream came to an end and what's going on at the moment. Nothing too excited but a small depression is sneaking around the corner, waiting for me to crack into millions of pieces... Not looking forward to it at all. 
Not the best came out of my situation but I truly wanted to make that dream of mine work, maybe one day. For now, I'm in France, I'm enjoying some time with my friend and her friends. Much older, mature and responsible despite the partying and the alcohol, but we always make it home... I never thought I would come back to France and here I am!

I have my whole life in two suitcases, books for days and notebooks... I ain't sure where everything is leading me, every day is a new day... But not knowing what's the next step or where to go isn't easy. I'm still waiting for me to cry my eyes out on the whole situation, still haven't. Still, haven't gone through much to say the list. 

So I'm back, not sure if I'm going to post every week, but I will try to share some of my time in Ireland with you as well as France... Share the last bits of me next time...

~Bella

Taking a break!

Sorry for not writing as much as I used to, but summer has arrived, birthdays have indeed come around, and personal dramas have entered my life faster than anything else... 

Living in California is making me want to jump off a bridge... No, do not worry it's only a metaphor, overly dramatising the situation! I won't be jumping but I'm trying to get paid for writing articles... And on a lucky day, I discovered a website... 
https://vocal.media/

Check it out as much as possible! Amazing articles are on there and I'm trying to publish mine... So hopefully this will bring some money to the table and it will make me known a bit more! 

I'll get back hopefully soon enough if you want to be noticed on when I post I suggest you subscribe to me on the side column. You won't regret it and it won't annoy you with email, just one when I post an article! 

Hope you enjoy your summer!

~Bella

"What should I do?"

Take it slow, or just go for it...

I recently crossed a small issue... A small unexpected heartache, nothing special, but special for me to make it a big deal out of it. When am I not making a big deal out of a love story or love issue?  It might actually be my hopeless romantic side of me kicking in each time something is happening, each time I get attention from a guy, a sweet guy.

To get back on track of the post, it's about this person who doesn't have the best reputation around town, not the best past when it comes to relationships, nor have the best current health. Sadly, when you hear things from friends, you tend to back off a little which doesn't give a good impression to the other person. Listening to everyone doesn't give you everything on the person you are interested in, and even if you know it yourself, your friends' judgments are important as well as your own because you want to trust them.
In my case, I'm still trying to make my own judgment, my own thoughts, and even if I see good in him, I have my friends around with their own sayings. Despite the fact that I adore learning more about someone by myself, I like to have some background on the person, knowing some dirt, and this time the dirt isn't that bad. And yet...

Should I listen to everyone? Should I listen to every bad comment? Every little thing everyone has to say about the person when I know my own reputation isn't the best either?
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Everyone is entitled to share them with you, but the good news is that it is up to you if you want to take everything or not. Opinions are based on interpretations, people's interpretations. So why do we listen to them, why do we take them into consideration? Why do we care this much? Because humans care, humans need other's approbation and even if you try to ignore it, deep down you know you want to please others as well.
I personally try not to please everyone as I know I won't be able to do so, can't be liked by every single person on the planet, but what my friends say have to affect me in some ways. I get affected because I put some kind of trust in them, trust that wasn't easy to gain in the first place as I don't trust anyone. If you are one who takes it personally, please don't, it's unnecessary as I don't even trust my own mother, well, not entirely. 

Hard to make your own opinion when you hear, listen to people, when you are living in a small town where everyone, almost everyone knows each other. When half of the population love to gossip around. My little issue is knowing that the guy who I appreciate and trust enough, isn't liked by my friends, isn't understood and somehow, despite the fact that everything is against him, my mother nor one of my bartender don't seem to have something against him at all. Well, to be fairly honest, it's my bartender who introduced me to him. Yes, my bartender, the one who doesn't want to see me leave the country, doesn't want me to go back home. The same bartender who is looking for my future husband, the same one who is always asking "When are you getting married?"
It is his fault if this guy and myself are always trying to see each other when we are at certain bars. It's the same bartender who has to tease me and the guy when we are sitting next to each other, telling us how a perfect couple we are in front of other customers. Talk about intimacy and friendship... That's nearly impossible when your bartender has to come in the way, teasing us nonstop about our relationship, the one which isn't there yet!

Indeed, my mother met the guy, (let's call him Connor even though it's completely different). My mother never saw anything bad about Connor, thought a good shave and a good haircut would make him look more handsome, his posture needs some improvement, but other than that, she saw something else... Something much deeper than appearance. My mother always needs to see what's behind the appearance. See what's makes the person themselves. The sweetness, the gentle way he had to look at me and her, the charming little smile he gave her as he shook her hand, shy and a bit sad. All she saw was the pain he had to endure. Not sure how she got that from seeing him for thirty minutes. I guess body language is more powerful than words. The entire time, my mother was sitting across from me, next to my friend, observing Connor, observing his every move, seeing how he was, how he observed back at us at certain moments. My mother doesn't come off as easy, just nice, too nice and trustworthy. She trusts too easily as well that's why I tend to not show her anyone, never make her meet that many people especially around my group of friends. But this time, she took all her energy not to trust Connor, to have a harder opinion of him, harder first impression.

Now, my opinion, my thoughts are in between two chairs. On one side, my friends who are harder to impress, harder on Connor, and then, the others who try to see the 'why' behind his actions, the more understandable ones. I'm between two different opinions, different views, and mine just happen to be blurry. Completely blurry. Making it difficult to see the right and the wrong. 

Then again, you can't rely on anyone's judgements except yours as you will have to live with your own choice, not anyone else. 

"A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follow the public opinion." 

~Bella

Now she's gone... So is he...

A few weeks later, the post is back... Sorry for not posting for a while, busy life has being in the way making it difficult to write, especially when the inspiration isn't around. Can't force it... So welcome back! 


Have you ever dreamed of becoming famous? Be a wealthy lawyer? Have a pool in your home? Own a Ferrari? Dreamed of becoming the next best world dancer? Have a family with a dog? Own your own company? 

A dream? A simple dream?
I sure had lots of them as a kid, and despite obstacles that life threw at me, I still have them to this day. My mother always told me to believe in them, to do whatever it takes to make them a reality, to believe in myself, but sadly, I never truly thought I was capable of much. Even my teachers, on my school year report card, "B... needs to believe in herself a bit more. She is capable of a lot, but lack of self-confidence is making her be in the back more often than the front..." And I will pass on the details of what they all thought of me. Apparently, I was doing acceptable work, but since I was lacking such self-esteem, my teachers always had something to say on the subject. It never helped me, I always took it as a bad comment for myself. The more they said it, the more they had to comment on the view I had on myself, the more they made it seem like something was wrong with me, the less I was going to think good things about myself... I never grew out of this insane loop, the twist is the more they would talk about my low-self-esteem, the more I was going to have it. It never helped.
Not only I had to read comments from teachers, but my father never truly supported my decisions, supported my dreams... Supported me in general. One could say "He did, what are you talking about? When you were playing piano, he was forcing you, putting you down as soon as you made a slight mistake, he was pushing you to do better." Not sure if that would be supporting me. To me, it felt more like a "need to be better" than " if you want to be better". 

I can't argue with this, but you have to be in my shoes for just a second, and for that to happen, let me tell you a short story.
Once upon a time... 
Just kidding, I won't start with the most common beginning.
"I can hear the mistake you just made, start from the beginning!" My father would tell me when my finger slipped on the wrong note. Yes, it would happen, a slight slide towards another note would be fatal, but I was careful, and still learning so I had excuses. For my father, it was a whole different story! I started piano when I was young, feeling the keys under my fingertips, being in control of what I was playing was quite a nice feeling altogether. I was a fast learning, and my piano teacher saw the opportunity to write new piano sheets for me, between the pop rock and the unbearable indie, alternative songs that I would love to listen to, he had work to do. My piano teacher was an amazing pianist, and he always managed to write music sheets according to my level. I think he was one of those people who sent me higher, telling me I was talented and if I continued I would do much more. But life got in the way, and once again a dream was cut short. Today, I don't own a piano, but still play around on hard surfaces, having melodies playing in my head, melodies which I haven't played in years, but only with my fingers playing around. The ones I would enjoy singing along to as they were famous pop-rock songs from an old French band. Yes, even at a young age, I was fascinated with oldies. I was never one for lessons, but if I had the chance to play something I loved, I would go right ahead. Going to school for piano wasn't a desire, but I could have got the chance to go if I desired, but that again, is one more lost cause. The day I change my mind on something set, it will be snowing in Santa Barbara, and let's be honest, I don't see that coming soon.

To get back to the short story, my father made my life a living nightmare when it came to practising. He would force me, put me down whenever he had the chance to, and even if I was performing well, no applause,  no reactions just, "Continue" or "Start again". Talk about dictatorship... Playing piano was never a dream but it slowly became one. I dreamed of playing and owning my own grand piano, the long black ones. To play for hours even if I was awful at it, I would keep going. I lost a lot of my capacity over the years of non-playing. Each time I touch a piano, my mind goes directly to the bad comments that my father would say on each occasion.
Owning my own black long piano is a dream, and it could potentially happen, I'm not on my deathbed yet, I've got time, I hope I do, so I can make this dream come true..."

Dreams may sound like the wishes that are nearly impossible to do, to have, that's why they are called dreams. The things you wish you had, the things you could do, could say. The things that are in the back of your head, waiting for you to fall asleep to surface and send you to dreamland, the land of every possibility.

Tonight, my mother decided to message me, to tell me how she wants to see me happy even if that means not seeing me as much. As for the past few months now, I want to go to back to Europe, live there and not come back to the States. To finalise my stay back in Ireland where I belong. It's difficult when you don't belong in a country you don't understand others' life views. A country where half of the population is ignorant enough to make you think twice about why you started talking to them in the first place. Tough times, tough life, tough situations, it's only getting worse... The more I see and talk to people in Santa Barbara, the more I miss home, I miss Europe in general. 
Even though I live in California, my mind is elsewhere, somewhere where I feel like home, feel like I belong there without asking myself questions. And with this, I started developing a dream, a goal of a sort. Own my little pub where there'll be books to read in the back of the little pub, sort of like a tea shop/ library. Combining three of my favourites, tea, pub, and books. 

What my mother hasn't realised is my mind has set, and I won't change it, I will leave this country, this state and even if it doesn't make her happy, I know deep down, she'll understand. Not sure how I'll break the news to her, but I will... Somehow...

To conclude this post, if you have a dream, don't let anyone make you think twice about it. Just go for it, fight for it, believe in it and never give up because everything is possible if you set your mind to it. 
Dreams are here for reasons, to give you hope, faith in yourself. Just don't let yourself down, don't cut yourself short because an obstacle is in the way. You never know what may come around, because if you haven't succeeded it just means it's still on its way to you. A little more time is required, that's all. 

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt

~Bella

Ghostly Feelings

What do I mean by Ghostly Feelings?

I mean the little flashbacks, the memories, the odd feeling that brings you back to a certain moment of your life. I mean seeing someone next to you when you know they aren't really there! I mean seeing something which isn't right in front of you... That one feeling you cannot fully describe but know is around, still cannot explain it to anyone who wants to understand what you are going through.

I personally couldn't get away from the feeling when my friends from Europe came to Santa Barbara back in November 2017. That year wasn't easy for me, between searching a new place to stay, starting two jobs, juggling bars, and work, personal time as well as friend time. Editing a novel and trying to keep track of my blog. The list could go on but I believe you know where I'm going with it.
So when I see friends, meet people from Europe in California, I feel like "home" again, I feel like I'm with real people, real friends. I can't think of anything bad to say about them except my friends... They didn't stay as long I would have hoped so, as they do have their lives back in either London or Edinburgh. Yes, Britain and Scotland, far away land... Still "home" to me because as a European, I know that no matter where I go in Europe, I will feel like "home". Our views on life and what is respectable as a society is the same, we all can relate, our education, our role in society. In the States, everyone has a different perspective on life, different laws from state to state, so when someone from Europe come, they don't relate to anyone.

Point made, my ghostly feeling, at the moment is concerning my friends, the ones who left back home. Sounds pathetic and yet, I cannot help myself have this feeling. I cannot help myself think about every piece of memory I have with them. It's like a missing feeling.

Here are some thoughts about the feeling...

Material things become important!
I ain't-a material person, I wouldn't mind not having a bed (I've done it before, I have indeed slept on a mattress and nothing more, it works well enough), but when it comes to memories... There's a whole new story to write. I have a bench, a simple, bus bench along side of the main street of Santa Barbara. A simple bench that holds long nights talks, long conversations about everything and anything. Sounds like nothing to many of you, but when these conversations went deeper than just small talks, you become aware of everything, little as it may sound or look. Each time I pass by that bench, everything comes to mind, little or not.
A pack of cigarettes in my bag just to remind me of a certain thing...

Every sad song or movie coming up will be a reminder...
When we are sad, we tend to push ourselves closer to sad songs, dramatic movies, things that will make us cry. It's human of us, instead of watching a comedy or listening to happy songs, we just pull ourselves to everything sad, similar to what we are feeling at that moment.

You go to places and all the sudden you think of them...
I have two bars where I still see them around playing pool, drinking old fashions, or smoking cigarettes outside on the patio. I still see my friend getting along with my bartender, the one who hates everyone. Go figure, my bartender finally approved of one guy, and that same guy had to leave. Deep down I know he wasn't fully accepting him, the day he will accept a guy it will be snowy in downtown Santa Barbara.

Think about other people? Forget about it...
Not as easy to do when all you can think of is their voices in the background. Yes, when I'm around in my bar, I still look for a sign that they are around, still looking for another Guinness next to mine (despite the fact that some of my friends do drink the same thing I do). 

Not sure how to describe such a feeling without explaining my own experiences, my own thoughts on the subject. Not entirely sure how to express myself without pouring my feelings down, without crying on my keyboard, on the book which currently sits on my laps. You have to feel it yourself before understanding where I'm coming, but if you have indeed come across such a feeling, just know you are far from alone in this situation. Tricky situation. I know the pain of not putting words into my feelings, so if you are having issues with it, talk to someone! 


"Ghost
It happens. they forget the sound of your voice, the shape of
your eyes, and the curve of your smile. When you left, you
tried to leave traces of yourself behind. But your smell on their
sweater eventually fades, and your things in their drawers get
pushed to the back, and suddenly you aren't real anymore.
So you are replaced with someone who is. You are a ghost, a
shadow, only a memory. So much that you wonder if you even
existed to them at all." - Courtney Peppernell

~Bella

Feckin'...

Let's just start saying, I was unaware of what my dear friend from Europe, has sent me over mail.

I didn't expect anything either so when I arrived home from work, late at night, the package came in as a surprise. 

Now, my friends know how much I adore my books, and if they do come across an interesting one, they will get it for me one way or another. Sadly, they do not live in the States, and despite the fact that we still in contact with each other, it is difficult at times. So when I saw the package, I got beyond excited, more than usual. 

First, my love of books cannot be described, and when I saw what was in the package, I flipped out. Second, I wasn't expecting what I saw... A little book of Irish slang. Not sure why they ended up sending me such a book, but I couldn't hold a laugh or two. 

As you may expect, I started reading the little book, which ended up making me laugh my ass off. 

 I came across some funny and unexpected terms which I personally never heard of or some that Americans do not use at all.

Bowsie, noun, a person (esp. male) of very disreputable character. A useless good-for-nothing. 

" Is there anyone I could personally date who isn't a bowsie?"

Craic, noun, pronounced crack,  fun. 

"I had such a craic on Paddy's Day. 

(Funny note is the fact that there was indeed some misunderstanding between foreigners who were trying to buy illegal drugs. You have to be careful about where you are going and what your words or phrases mean.)

Eejit, noun, a person of limited mental capacity. A fool of a sort. A complete moron, imbecile. 

Feck, verb or/ and noun, the politically correct term of f**k. 

" Feck off with your ideas, they aren't worth it." 

To be honest, it's rare that I say it, but it does come up more often now...

Knackered, adjective, very tired. Broken beyond repair.

Nixer, noun, Job done on the side for cash, thus avoiding tax.
"Tell you what, I'll write your next Budget speech as a nixer, Minister."

Manky, adjective, disgustingly filthy.
Anything from public toilet, waterway.

Ossified, adjective, totally inebriated.
"Do you know it takes just three pints to get an Englishman ossified?"

Plastered, adjective, very drunk.
"My friend was so plastered that he kept calling me babe."

Scratcher, noun, bed.
"Get off the scratcher, you have school in twenty minutes, you don't want to be late."

Up the pole, expression, with child, pregnant.
"My sister is up the pole and Ma is a bit worried."

The other words or phrases weren't worth writing down on this post, but if you want to go check out the little book, I believe you can find it online, Amazon. 

So now that I shared a few expression, you have to leave me alone when I do say some "odd" things... 
No need to judge how someone talks or anything...

"You know when 100% Irish when... You've no idea how to make a long story short."

~Bella

Harbour Street - Ann Cleeves

This Award-Winning Author of Raven Black has a new book, Harbour Street, and I couldn't be happier.

Finished it in two weeks, and the saddest part of the book was when I had to set it down.

I first learned about Ann Cleeves when I started watching "Shetland" a Scottish TV show. Based on her book series, I fell in love with the plots, the intrigued behind every mystery, and the unexpected criminals. So I looked into her biography, the books she wrote, and the Vera Stanhope mystery show which I started to watch.

So when I went to my bookstore, I looked around the Thriller, Crime area when I came upon her book, the only one on the shelf. You cannot image how excited I was when I took over the novel of the shelf, started reading the back and the last phrase of the story... " Vera got into Hector's Land Rover and set off alone for the hills." 

Seems like a normal phrase to half of you but to me, it's the last thing of the story, the mystery, and since it's my first book of hers, I wanted to check it out fast, read it quickly to check out the what she was all about. 

"The shouts and laughter of Christmas revelers follow detective Joe Ashworth and his daughter Jessie as they board the crowded Metro. But when the train stops, Jessie notices that one lady hasn't gotten off: Margaret Krukowski has been fatally stabbed. Retracing Margaret's final steps, Detective Inspector Vera Stanhope keeps asking herself one big question: Why are the residents of Harbour Street so reluctant to speak? What secret do they keep that leads to murder? "
Harbour Street, number six of the series followed by The Moth Catcher and preceded by The Glass Room. Ann truly made the whole mystery a real one. Between the lies, the secrets, the families living in a small fishermen's town, and the backstory of the victim's past been unbelievably well structured. It definitely makes me wonder how did this author manage to get every detail so intriguing to readers.

The victim has been an elderly woman who finds herself stabbed on a packed train before Christmas time. Why would anyone want to kill an elderly woman who works for a family, spends her free time in a shelter for troubled women? Famous detective Vera Stanhope comes in town, searching for answers, talking everyone who could be related to the victim, but she stumbles against many issues. Doesn't take lots for a little village to talk, to hide the past and keep quiet, lie. Many questions come to life as Vera tries to find relatives of the victim, not finding any, but finding out a lot more than just a sad past relationship.

Little villages always find a way for rumours, little secrets, and if something has to disappear, oh, you know it will because despite having rumours, people won't talk to police officers. So when I started reading the story, I pictured old lasses getting a bit too chatty and the outcast who barely speaks to anyone. Now, picturing every bit of each character, the places,  the smell of snow and rain, hearing the sound of snowflakes and boots trying to get around town. Cleeves did manage to get every detail in order for you to have a clear image of everything that is going on in the novel. 

If you are into crime, mystery and a bit of a fan of secrets, please read her books, even if I only read one, I know deep down, she has an amazing potential and not enough credit! 

"We don't often notice the people who look after us, do we? Though we'd miss them if they weren't there." -Ann Cleeves, Harbour Street

~Bella

A new move, a new chance...

It's a new move that I will be making soon enough, and I cannot wait for it to happen!

My experience of having more than six people in the house hasn't been all exciting and stress-free as one could have thought.
Living with multiple people in the same house and having different views isn't fun. I cannot deal with strangers coming in the house at all times of the say, expecting everyone to be alright with it. I had enough!
Enough of the non-stop fighting on whose dishes are in the sink, or who didn't pay rent on time. Please, give me a break! I cannot deal with the non-stop loud music, loud stamping, or slammed doors.

I have so many questions...

How long does it take to clean your plate and fork? Will it kill you to stand up in front of the sink with your hands under the warm water?
Why slam the door at all hours of the day? Did the door hurt you in any way?
Where goes the food from the fridge?  Who's the magician?
How much time do you need in that bathroom? Isn't your room enough space to get dressed and undressed?

Living with housemates is tough, tougher than it may seem, and despite the fun that it can bring, if one of your housemates isn't friendly or even respectful towards you, there's no point in staying in a house like that!

I'm not one to use the bathroom for hours at a time, I may put the bathroom in a fog, but that's it. Max thirty minutes because I have to blow-dry my hair but again... Not even thirty minutes! But then again, I understand girls who wear makeup, constantly changing outfits, and curl their hair can take a while, and the long thirty-minute shower. I can understand, I can try to comprehend it, try to find other alternatives on my routine, but when it turns into a disaster, turns into a living nightmare where you arrive to work late because you couldn't brush your teeth on time, it's enough.
Not sure how many times I took my toothbrush and toothpaste with me to work cause I knew I couldn't pass into that famous bathroom.
I'll stop there with the bathroom story, it could lead to another two more paragraph altogether!

Next point that people who live with housemate have to understand is the "friends" you bring home, like more than three people, more like party size group of people. Let's be honest, in that group of people, how many do you truly know, even know their names or where they are from. Please answer truthfully... We know college is all about "parties" and such but when you live with multiple housemates who work long hours the next day, be respectful enough. The loud music, screams at three or four in the morning? Is it really necessary to have all these dumb people over just to have you complain the next day about food that disappears? Is it necessary? Will you die if you do not have a house party? Last time I checked, you couldn't die of that specific situation. There's always a way for you to join a college party at a college little building or friends house or whoever is throwing it!
Again, I would have been alright with the parties, but when it lasts till four in the morning and then wake up four hours later to go to work but see that one of the housemates who threw the party is complaining about food being missing. I mean... I can't! I won't bother on trying to see the positive out of this type of situation.

In the end, living with people is nice, and the fact that you are never truly alone has some perks, but you have to realize that it won't be easy. Not simple at all!

So this new place that I'm moving into is going to be more a friend's house. Technically, one of my friends asked if I wanted to move in with him as I was looking for a place. I found it extremely nice of him to ask, but I wanted to move out with a friend who is currently living with me, already. S and I had an idea with her boyfriend and her friend. We would pay less rent and be with people we all like was going to be easier. Less drama, fewer parties. You catch my drift! To end the story short, I'll be moving with my friend, S and her boyfriend and her friend, M. I can't wait to have the living room to read and write whenever I want. Less time at the bar, that's for sure. Cause let's be honest if I go to the bar that often it's because I want to get as far as possible to my current house. Sorry if I'm disappointing a few people.  I cope the best way I possibly can.

Now, as this change will be new, I want to start fresh... What I mean by that is the fact that I want to write another blog, more for advice, and giving out my opinion, support. I know I'm from being a professional, but sometimes blowing out steam to a stranger or even asking questions and receive someone's own experience may help.
I'm also planning on selling clothes on depop. It's an app on your phone, I found it a month ago, purchases a few items and  I haven't got disappointed! People are amazing, and the clothes that I bought was wonderful, fits well. So, despite the obvious fact that young adults need extra money, and that large amount of clothes that I own as well as my mum's (she has too much, so she wanted to help), selling them in good condition would benefit lots of people.
Another thing I want to start doing more is giving my opinion more on books. No, I won't write a blog just for it, that would be too annoying but every month or two, I would like to write a post about a recent book I read, liked and comment, give my opinion, criticise it if needed. People need to get back on reading, we all have lost the touch, and it's very depressing to so many good books being unnoticed. I wouldn't want my novel to be on the table, untouched. It would be a disappointment.

A change that isn't all that stress-free, moving into a new place when you are working non-stop, pulling double shifts, and managing taxes... Yes, cause I have been procrastinating, who wants to do their taxes? Plus I did them by myself, for the first time, and let's be honest knowing you have to pay for the state as well as federal, ugh... Let me kill myself! I ain't American, under 25, and paying a lot more than I'm supposed to... Talk about wanting to procrastinate! Anyway... 

New change, less stress, and the move will go smoothly enough, I hope! 

"Life is about moving on, accepting changes and looking forward to what makes you stronger and more complete." 

~Bella