Little info!

Sorry about this post, but I won't be able to write any post today nor next week. Things came up which won't make it easy for me to write a thing. 

I apologize in advance if you were looking forward to the next article. I promise I'll be back in October. 

~Bella

One Mystery at the Time...

Since I've been living out of my mum's, I've been walking pretty much everywhere which helped me keep fit, and since then, I've seen the same old people from town.

I do live in a small town and since I've been living on my own (with housemates),  the city has become smaller, making it difficult to not see the same people, and working two jobs, downtown isn't helping either. Sounds like a village than a town or city. It is far from bothering me when it comes to one specific person, someone who is a complete stranger.

I don't pay much attention to many people especially after knowing that half the people are either tourists, college kids who've got no brain, customers, and people I prefer to ignore. So having someone catch my eyes... Well, it's quite unexpected!

He was walking up the street while I was walking down, unaware of anyone around me. Thin silhouette with dark messy hair, backpack on and a bike next to him. Nothing different if you compare him to other people, and yet, I saw him. I saw him around others and somehow that's making him different. Why? Why him and not someone else? And yet, I'm here, still talking about him, wondering so many questions.

That was about four months ago.

Four months later, I'm still seeing him almost everywhere, thinking of who he is, and finally dreaming of what his name is. I'm dreaming of the perfect stranger whose name is unknown. Is it just my hormones working out, playing tricks or just something pulling me, telling me to go forth and ask for a name?

Why think of him? Why dream of him? 

When I think of it, I'm throwing myself into a dangerous story, putting myself out in a strange world, the world that ain't mine but this stranger's one.

So a few weeks ago, I end up coming home a little late, walking towards my street when I saw him on a skateboard which is already odd enough, but what makes it weirder is I called him out, waving at him so he could come to me. Funny thing, he did come towards me, wondering what I wanted. We ended up talking for about two to three hours. Learned quite a lot, and despite the fact that he doesn't hang around the people who will support him, pull him out of the wrong path, he hangs out with people who are bringing him down.

Now, I understand how frustrating is it to not know how to to get away from people who've been around for you when you have been in a tough position, but at some point, you'll have to know there's more to it than just them than just what you know.

What I've learned from trying to help someone who's got his life quite disastrous is that no matter what happens, it's never too late for a second chance.
That's right, a second chance...
Believe me when I say that I do not give second chances and somehow this guy came into my life and showed me wrong. I personally didn't give him a second chance as it was his first chance with me.
He might not be the guy you would expect to have a brain much larger than the others, and yet he surprised me. Smarter than half the people I know or talked to, quite refreshing to say the least. Much more interest to listen to, talk to, no boring moment. Despite the fact that I wanted to help out, not everyone can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and he believes I came a little too late.

I laugh at it when I'm writing this post, but trust me I wasn't at the time. I've always believed it's never too late to do things, to believe in some happy ending, and he crushed it in a matter of seconds.
When I thought I was going to help out, someone who deserves it, someone who I believed in because I saw beyond the appearances, saw what he was truly capable of doing, he rejects it. Refusing to take the help even though I did hit a nerve to show him the positive is quite painful to accept! 

At least, now, whenever I see him and he sees me, I know I can count on a smile which means a lot already! He also knows he can count on me if he wants to talk, freely talk. 

"Listening is often the only thing needed to help someone."

~Bella

Taking a few steps back.

A week or so ago, I wrote about my own ways of dealing with a broken heart and how I'm very unsocial. Now, these things may help me at the moment, but I know that everything I do doesn't work for everybody, and it won't help me forever. It won't work eternally, sadly. I know I will explode, one day, destroy my own self and people who I love at the same time. 

So after talking to friends I came up with a few things that work best for people, and no, I'm just talking to girls but guys as well. I don't believe heartaches only affect women. 

Big one~ Be social! No matter what you may feel, or look like, go out and enjoy the world. When you have a broken heart, being social will keep you from drowning yourself in sad movies, music. Dress up a little even if it's to get groceries, you never know if someone may catch your eyes... Be pretty or handsome for yourself! Even if it sounds stupid, you will feel better. Small gestures count. 

Big two~ Take the time to review yourself! What I mean by that is simply, take some time for yourself, treat yourself right! I do NOT mean shopping! I'm talking to most girls out there or guys who love to go shopping, getting that wallet empty. I don't mean go shopping and spend every penny on stuff you won't even use, wear or even need. Treating yourself with a massage, a road trip somewhere nice with a friend or two, going to concerts may help you a lot more than spending money in shops. 

Big three~  Don't be afraid of others approaching you. Sounds odd when you read it like this, but usually, after a breakup or a simple heartache, you tend to avoid any contact with people, and you don't believe any compliments as you are still hurting from a previous person. Letting others compliment you, approach you, talk to you and flirt with you gives you a boost of self-esteem that you need, especially during that time. After a breakup, the best you could possibly do is let people treat you well. 

Big four~ Cry away every bad feeling because it's healthy! Do not believe it's a sign of weakness, on the contrary, be proud it makes you human! Crying will help you take away the negativity that has been storing in you. 

Big five~ Catch up on things you have been postponing. You remember the projects, the passions you couldn't do during your time with your ex... Well, I've got great news for you, you can finally do them! Not the things you have been procrastinating, but the ones you couldn't do because your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend wasn't into it. The good thing about doing these things is that it keeps your mind busy, busy from thinking about what had happened. 

Big six~ Drink! Alright, do not drink like a maniac, but responsibly! What will a glass of red wine do to you? Maybe get you tipsy for a bit but that will be it. Drinking responsibly will make you tipsy enough to be in a happy mood. I'm just pointing out how I am on this one... Don't go out, get wasted, jump on whoever is moving. That walk of shame will give you a headache the next morning. I wouldn't know much about that but from what I've heard, it's not pretty. 

Big seven~ Give love to people who deserve it. Despite the fact that you are hurt and don't want to give anything to anyone, giving out some of your love is something that will make you think twice about being sad! Instead of desperately searching for someone else, give some love. Instead of spreading some hate, spread some love.

Big eight~ Live in the present and future instead of the past. Being nostalgic is a thing that everyone has to live through at least once either via listening to a song or eating something your deceased grandmother used to cook, but do you have to live every day in the past? It's already written and cannot be re-written. The best you can do in this situation is to think about the present and the future as it is happening and you have the power to change the future as it hasn't happened yet. Why bother going back to the past, knowing it was awful? 

Being heartbroken isn't something fun to deal with, easy to manage and despite how much stuff you will do to keep that mind of yours busy, only time can repair a broken heart. There are ways to help such as the ones I listed above but it won't cure a broken heart. The only thing that has worked is when I fell in love with someone else. I had completely forgotten my ex but this time... I'm still in the process of repairing my broken heart! 

Having your heart broken isn't something meant to be pleasant, and it hurts. Now, the way you deal with it is up to you! Either stay in bed, depressed, listening to sad music, watching romantic movies, and crying an ocean or you pick yourself up. Get that ass out of bed, drag yourself outside if necessary but do not sob yourself away because you are better than the person who hurt you! 

Hopefully, you have better luck than me!

"If it's real, it'll hurt like hell."

~Bella

More... More...

More songs, more artists, more art! 

My music taste varies quite a lot, too much, too often but I have to admit I'm a bit more drawn to British artists, more indie pop, and fun to listen to. Now, I also have my Italian music I will listen to constantly, but for over a month now I've been enjoying listening to these songs, artists. One group, Weathers are actually from Los Angeles, California. Four guys in an alternative indie band which isn't too old... 

And the other band which is five guys formed back in 2013 from Stockport, Greater Manchester, England. Still unknown to the American community, I personally adore them! You can say it's my style, something I'll listen to every minute of every day. 

I'm the indie type of lady who listens to almost everything but prefers to be odd and to listen to people who aren't too famous. Even though I adore my punk rock, pop music, indie has been there for me through tough times. 

"You are what you listen to." 

~Bella 

What to do in this situation...

Alright, don't imagine some crazy post about a story gone wrong... It's about what I do when I get my heart shattered into millions of pieces, broken down, hurt. I came up with the idea as I was scrolling down Instagram... Sounds a little pathetic when I write it down. 

Anyways,

As I was saying I'm an odd person when it comes to my own broken heart. I don't sit down with a jar of ice cream and listen to sad songs all day/night long. At least I'm not doing that anymore. I evaluate to the next level, jumped into something different. I don't watch the same movie as I usually would do even though 50 first dates is an amazing movie and I continue to watch it every four month or so. And I surely don't cry like a baby anymore I cry rivers instead of oceans. But now what I do is quite ... Well, I'll let you judge for yourself! 

~ Let's ignore the fact that I'm currently hurting, emotionally hurting. Why bother with all these unwanted feelings, emotions? Why deal with them when you know that it will only make you hurt? They could potentially destroy you. 

~Instagram fanatic! As many of you I have Instagram, andI post almost everyday, and go on there whenever I've got time to do so! I scroll down and I like photos like everyone else. Now, when I have a broken heart, the photos go more for attractive tattooed guys. I start to fantasize on good looking guys, ones I'll never have, at least I know so it's keeping me sane, kind of sane. It keeps me away from thinking about the boy who broke my heart into million of pieces. 

~Go to coffee shops or bookstore! Safe heaven for me as I'm a bookworm who prefers to be left alone. Great places to ignore everyone around me. Also a great place to get some writing done even though I'm people watching half of the time. Going to grab a coffee, sitting down with a book, a notebook, a pen, and phone on the side just in case, makes me feel better because I'm alone without being alone as there's people around. 

~Read to escape reality. I'm into every type of books, but when I'm heartbroken a good thriller, crime, mystery novel keeps me from thinking about love, so I stay away from romantic, cheesy stories. A hint of mystery is always nice, it keeps your mind occupied on what's coming next!

~Baileys Irish Cream on rocks at my favourite bar. If you have never heard of this alcohol it's technically an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur which only has 17% alcohol so you can have plenty of it without getting drunk. In my case, I never get drunk out of it and I do get teased for drinking it. People either look at me and wonder what my drink is as many are drinking tequila or vodka or my friends are work there are calling it the adult chocolate milk. Just because it doesn't have much alcohol doesn't mean it's bad. It actually taste amazing and you should try it. 

Despite the fun I have ignoring my emotions, lying to myself on how great I'm feeling, focusing my thoughts on either work or writing or on someone else, the broken heart is still there. Appearing on certain occasions. Instead of dealing with the feelings, I bottle all them up and close it tight enough until the day I explode. That day hasn't come yet, but I can feel it coming as my anxiety has been quite tough to deal with. Each couple I see on the street makes me want to vomit or on the contrary makes me wonder if I'll ever have that again. Sadly, I ain't the positive type of person when it comes to myself and negativity takes over my entire self. Destroying each chance of happiness. 

As you can tell, I don't or barely socialize, probably not the best thing you could be doing in this situation but that's what I do and it's working fine for now. I close up entirely which makes me feel lonely after a while, but I prefer to feel this way instead of being around a bunch of people who are fake enough to lie straight to my face saying things such as, " He wasn't cute anyways." or " Girl, you will find a new guy in no time."  We all know these white lies that our friends tell us to make us feel better, but deep down we know it ain't true. So I highly prefer the "unsocial me" over the "social me".

Over the course of a year, my ideas, my views of life, love, and everything else have changed, dramatically changed. I'm not into the same things, I mature up in ways I wouldn't thought I would even though I'm still the same person, I don't do what I would do a couple years back when I had a broken heart, and on the contrary, now, it's difficult to get over someone, to find someone new, to trust again. Not that I trust easily in the first place. I'm more distant than I already was. That's all. 

I'm the type of person who destroys herself without the help of anyone. I'm the type of young woman who's vivid imagination make up scenarios who aren't pleasant which usually lead to a slight depression, a mini depression. I suggest you don't let your brain control too much of your thoughts and let your imagination derive too much either in case you drown into your own despair. 

"Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser." 

~Bella

How can you write for so long?

When someone asks me about my writing, my heart skips a beat, I become vulnerable enough to lose my words. Giving me the opportunity to talk about my passion is a gift, an occasion to develop my love for writing to people, make them understand where I'm coming from.
I can write for a long time and people have been asking for an explanation... So hopefully this will help you understand me a little more, don't get your hopes up, I ain't easy to comprehend, I ain't the easiest person out there.
Let's start with the obvious...

"I don't have time to write."

"My writing is awful so why start?"

"Being a writer means being published."

We always have time to write, there is no such thing as bad writing, and everyone is a writer.
All these phrases people have to express are wrong, myths of a sort and people believe these sayings.
Before being a good writer, we are"bad writers" who jots down ideas to make it a whole new story later on.

So let's back up a little to you imagining a pizza, one you bought on the corner of the street. Too crusty in your opinion, but flavour is still here as well as the little Italian taste. The pizza may have some defaults such as too crusty in your taste, the amount of tomato sauce, cheese makes it delicious enough to make you forget about the crust.

Now think about yourself facing a blank page; you are starting to write ideas, but you think it's bad... Remember the pizza! Defaults, sure, there's always going to be them, but there's always something underneath, looking to come out. Your piece of writing needs work, and you can delete to rewrite it all, all over again. Chasing perfection will get you nowhere, so why chase something nearly impossible, something without depth?
So when someone asks me about my writing, my thoughts go straight to different places! There's so much to talk about.

Like I can write for hours. Yes, everyone is capable of writing, if I can, anyone can! I have two jobs, family issues to attend to, editing a novel, a blog to keep track of, housemates who aren't capable of paying rent on time or doing their dishes. I sound like a whiny child, I apologize for it, sadly, it's all true. Even with a busy life, I manage to get some time to write. After all, I shouldn't complain, people have it worse than me, some go to school even with two jobs, if you are one of these people, you should be proud of yourself.

Having two jobs is tough, and if you are in this situation you will know what I'm talking about, goodbye long nights out, and parties, welcome showers, bedtime, unsocial life. Yet, I manage to write, still. I don't wait around for time to show up at my door, knock, "Hey are you ready to hang out?"

Instead, I steal away some time.

Have you ever heard, " If they are in love with you, they will find time for you. If they don't then their love may not be that existent." Well, surprise, it's the same for writing. If you adore writing as much as you claim, you find time for it just like you find time for someone. You always see me with a pen in my hand, in my hair, a notebook in my purse, at one of my job, receipts with notes on, napkins full of writing on... Because no matter where I am if I've got some idea, I have to write it down. 
I live through my writing, and despite the fact that it is a passion, it's starting to feel more like a way of living. For instance, right now, I'm sitting down at my favourite coffee shop, having a warm cappuccino, a chocolate twist, and a notebook, pen, and a book. 
A man sitting across from me, a couple of tables away, have been writing as well. Looking out the window at times, drinking his coffee at others. Two empty cups next to him already, and a ring around his finger which can only mean, married. He is grabbing my intention not because of how good looking he is but because he is writing down on a notebook with a pen. As far as I see it, it's rare, usually, people are typing away on their laptops not writing with a pen on a notebook, welcome sore wrist. 
He hasn't stopped writing except to look out the window on his right, probably daydreaming like most of us in the coffee shop. Re reading past pages. He does interest me, surprise me. I don't see many men writing away in a notebook, drinking coffee after coffee, at least not in my favourite coffee shop. Or they are around when I'm not around. That's also a possibility. 
I could watch this stranger for hours without getting bored. Between his facial expressions, his hand on his notebook, and his concentration... He's the perfect person to draw some character ideas from. 

See... I'm writing about my private moment with my thoughts, proves that it's not that complex to write. After this, anyone can write if you stop trying to chase perfection. Writing a draft, something "bad", something you came up with is a start, a draft to a better art piece. Anyone can find the time if one give themselves a chance. 
What I find funny in this situation is the fact that I didn't feel like writing today! I forced myself to do so and that's the magic with writers. You give them a notebook or piece of paper, a pen and some tea or coffee next to them... SURPRISE! A couple of minutes later, they are writing away from a piece of art. No need for a certain mood to come and sweep you off the floor to write away what comes to mind. Magic no? 
It's a luxury to want to write, and yet, you don't need to have this specific mood. A simple sentence may throw you right back into something much more deeper, developed than just an idea in the back of your head. In certain cases, it won't work, but the bribe is on. Yes, like you do with children, I do it to myself. " If you write for at least 30 minutes or write a least one article, you will be able to go eat dinner!" 
Sounds stupid right? Guess what though... It works! Cause, believe me, or not when I miss a day of writing my mood switch off to kind of good to run away far from me. I'll be irritable, almost annoying ( I'm already am but double it up). 
Being able to sit down at your favourite spot, enjoying a cup of cappuccino or tea, writing down whatever comes to mind is a satisfying feeling. Like many writers say, you need a room, your space to write. For me, it's my favourite coffee shop or train station despite the fact that I mostly work at one of y job between customers. They are sort of a creative poison, feeding me drama to write about. Mix my own vivid imagination and facts of the day, the idiotic comments of customers. After all, writers need some source of inspiration no matter what or who it is. 

The 'why' I write for so long is only because it keeps me sane, keeps me from doing something wrong. It keeps me on track, daily. Writing gives me a sense of becoming who I truly am. Sounds completely lunatic and yet... 
The more I write, the easier it gets, and I finally know what I'm doing. It's becoming obvious, simple to approach. But 'how' can I write for so long, constantly writing? Let me be straightforward with you... I don't constantly write or else you wouldn't see me doing much. I would constantly have my nose stuck to my laptop, phone or notebook. I write when I can find the time and I force myself to do so. What keeps me going is walking. You might be confused by my answer and I apologize. I walk pretty much EVERYWHERE. From home to work to bars to friends' place to grocery shopping. When I walk, my earphones are in and songs are playing. If I lived in a bigger city, I would continue walking because it makes me think about everything, makes me analyze situations. And by letting me breathe some "fresh" air, it keeps my thoughts, ideas flowing. 
So yes, instead of parties or doing whatever kids my age would be doing, I read, watch football (soccer) games, help my friends in need, and write. Go figure, I'm an odd individual. 

When you don't make writing a big idea, it becomes a way of living and not some task that you are forced to do. It becomes your long lost love, one who will never cheat on you, one you will always count on to make your crappy day a delightful one. 
Thinking of it, my own writing is pretty much my boyfriend. An Italian flirty, lovable one who's also part Irish making him the most loyal and protective one out there. 
That also helps me recognize the fact that writing is just like a relationship! You have to make time, steal away some time to make memories, to make the relationship flourish. You have to work for it, with it. 

"A writer is simply a photographer of thoughts." 
~ Bella