Little by little...

Apologizes to everyone for not blogging for two weeks... Two busy weeks which turned into a living nightmare when I got to meet new people. Nightmare wouldn't be the best word to describe it as I was the happiest person on Earth at the time...

Meeting new people could be terrifying, awfully terrifying.

Not too long ago, I had to meet new people, talk to them, drink and eat with them... Not in a million years, I would have imagined myself getting interested in knowing more about a family, and yet, I got interested.
Not in a million years, I would have thought about getting involved in such a complex story... And yet, here I am getting myself attached! 

Complexity should be my middle name, each time, I try to put myself out there, be there for certain people, something stupidly emerge from the shadows to destroy what I try my hardest to do or not do.

I strongly believe it's part of that curse, the one I talked about a few articles ago.

Meeting these new people made me realize how much I was homesick. Homesick for Europe, the food, the conversations, the jokes, the drinks, the pubs, the people, everything... Homesick ...

Despite the fact that I've been living in California for over 9 years, I don't feel like home, not fully. I feel out of place half the time, even though I enjoy lots of things around the beautiful city I live in, it's not the same. It's not me. Not my culture, my view on life, my ways of saying or doing things... I even try to stop my accent from ruining my day, afraid to have someone ask me to repeat many many times what I just said.
I don't believe I've been this homesick for a while, nor ever before. I always contained the feelings which would rush in, unexpectedly. But now, more than ever before, I miss everything, the people mostly, but everything in general. And being around Europeans is far from helping. How can I not miss where I'm from? I feel like I'm myself when I'm around Europeans, no more restrictions, no more stupidity... I can say whatever I wish and no one argues or diminishes me. It's fantastic but being homesick is far from being a nice, warm feeling.

When you are living in a country that isn't yours, that doesn't feel like you belong there, the ties you once had with your hometown becomes stronger. You start missing everything, little by little.

I wouldn't write about the subject if I wasn't crying my eyes out. Sounds pathetic when I say it this way, but I can't just lie about what's going on. Since Monday the 27th, everyone I met before Thanksgiving left back to their countries, leaving me to my thoughts. These horrible, one-way thoughts. The ones who try very hard to make you move away from the city you are currently living in. Don't pretend like you've never had a strange feeling of just leaving everything behind to start all over again? Or else I look insane... Cause that is what I want to do right this moment. 

Don't believe I have no friends around, I do, but it's not the same, not the people I feel like I can call "home" in a way. I'm quite lucky to have certain people in my life such as my good friend T... I don't know what I would do without her, we are kind of like an old couple at times, but that makes us be special in certain ways. I love it and I would hate myself for leaving in such a hurry without her. However, I wasn't born and raised in California or the USA. I was raised in Europe, born there, and my mentality is full on European. I have more enemies than friends, I say whatever comes to my head and even though I believe America has many opportunities, I still don't understand half of what Californians do (not even close to understanding).  

Even with many reasons behind me, supporting me on staying in California, a part of me just says, "Leave the place, you are far from being happy. Move away, start again, meet new people and create a new life where you can build something happy for yourself." 
Sounds amazing, leaving behind the past, the pain, the rumors, the hate, people who prefer to hate you instead of understanding you. Sounds fantastic and yet... 

I don't belong in this country, but how am I going to move away? Should I leave without thinking of the future first? Should I just wait and see if I meet the right person where I am at the moment? Should I just forget everything and everyone and do my own thing, wishing it will be the best decision? 

So many questions, and no answer...

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."

~Bella

What to do in this situation...

Alright, don't imagine some crazy post about a story gone wrong... It's about what I do when I get my heart shattered into millions of pieces, broken down, hurt. I came up with the idea as I was scrolling down Instagram... Sounds a little pathetic when I write it down. 

Anyways,

As I was saying I'm an odd person when it comes to my own broken heart. I don't sit down with a jar of ice cream and listen to sad songs all day/night long. At least I'm not doing that anymore. I evaluate to the next level, jumped into something different. I don't watch the same movie as I usually would do even though 50 first dates is an amazing movie and I continue to watch it every four month or so. And I surely don't cry like a baby anymore I cry rivers instead of oceans. But now what I do is quite ... Well, I'll let you judge for yourself! 

~ Let's ignore the fact that I'm currently hurting, emotionally hurting. Why bother with all these unwanted feelings, emotions? Why deal with them when you know that it will only make you hurt? They could potentially destroy you. 

~Instagram fanatic! As many of you I have Instagram, andI post almost everyday, and go on there whenever I've got time to do so! I scroll down and I like photos like everyone else. Now, when I have a broken heart, the photos go more for attractive tattooed guys. I start to fantasize on good looking guys, ones I'll never have, at least I know so it's keeping me sane, kind of sane. It keeps me away from thinking about the boy who broke my heart into million of pieces. 

~Go to coffee shops or bookstore! Safe heaven for me as I'm a bookworm who prefers to be left alone. Great places to ignore everyone around me. Also a great place to get some writing done even though I'm people watching half of the time. Going to grab a coffee, sitting down with a book, a notebook, a pen, and phone on the side just in case, makes me feel better because I'm alone without being alone as there's people around. 

~Read to escape reality. I'm into every type of books, but when I'm heartbroken a good thriller, crime, mystery novel keeps me from thinking about love, so I stay away from romantic, cheesy stories. A hint of mystery is always nice, it keeps your mind occupied on what's coming next!

~Baileys Irish Cream on rocks at my favourite bar. If you have never heard of this alcohol it's technically an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur which only has 17% alcohol so you can have plenty of it without getting drunk. In my case, I never get drunk out of it and I do get teased for drinking it. People either look at me and wonder what my drink is as many are drinking tequila or vodka or my friends are work there are calling it the adult chocolate milk. Just because it doesn't have much alcohol doesn't mean it's bad. It actually taste amazing and you should try it. 

Despite the fun I have ignoring my emotions, lying to myself on how great I'm feeling, focusing my thoughts on either work or writing or on someone else, the broken heart is still there. Appearing on certain occasions. Instead of dealing with the feelings, I bottle all them up and close it tight enough until the day I explode. That day hasn't come yet, but I can feel it coming as my anxiety has been quite tough to deal with. Each couple I see on the street makes me want to vomit or on the contrary makes me wonder if I'll ever have that again. Sadly, I ain't the positive type of person when it comes to myself and negativity takes over my entire self. Destroying each chance of happiness. 

As you can tell, I don't or barely socialize, probably not the best thing you could be doing in this situation but that's what I do and it's working fine for now. I close up entirely which makes me feel lonely after a while, but I prefer to feel this way instead of being around a bunch of people who are fake enough to lie straight to my face saying things such as, " He wasn't cute anyways." or " Girl, you will find a new guy in no time."  We all know these white lies that our friends tell us to make us feel better, but deep down we know it ain't true. So I highly prefer the "unsocial me" over the "social me".

Over the course of a year, my ideas, my views of life, love, and everything else have changed, dramatically changed. I'm not into the same things, I mature up in ways I wouldn't thought I would even though I'm still the same person, I don't do what I would do a couple years back when I had a broken heart, and on the contrary, now, it's difficult to get over someone, to find someone new, to trust again. Not that I trust easily in the first place. I'm more distant than I already was. That's all. 

I'm the type of person who destroys herself without the help of anyone. I'm the type of young woman who's vivid imagination make up scenarios who aren't pleasant which usually lead to a slight depression, a mini depression. I suggest you don't let your brain control too much of your thoughts and let your imagination derive too much either in case you drown into your own despair. 

"Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser." 

~Bella

What are you? A Bookworm..

Welcome back to little me...

Last week was Thanksgiving, hopefully, everyone had a good time with their family.

As I've mentioned a week before, I needed a tiny break from posting, to gather some articles that may be enjoyable to read, and yesterday, out of the blue, before going to work, I had this idea!

If you do not know already I'm quite a bookworm. I love reading, I love escaping the real world to get into a completely imaginary one, not mine yet an amazing one! When I read, I tend to imagine some scenarios, the setting, the characters. Seeing them in my head makes me be a part of the story. 
I bought a few books, read all of their last paragraphs or sentences, and fell in love with the books... You would think nothing is wrong... But... Sadly, there is...

I cannot read any book! 

I've tried to get into books, I've tried, but I always end up putting each book down. This situation has been bugging me, giving me some issues for a couple of months now. My last book was a novel in French called "Le dernier voyage du Valentina" or "The Last Voyage of the Valentina" written by Santa Montefiore.
Amazing plot, wonderful character descriptions, extraordinary writing, and a full mind-blowing story! At least to me...

The setting is based in London, but later on in Italy where the protagonist has to learn about family secrets, mysteries involved in the whole plot. 

I'm not going to go into details, but I absolutely fell in love with the book, with the plots, with the characters! I couldn't get enough, read it in one setting, and when I finished the book, I didn't let go easily! Since then, I haven't read anything, no books, and it's not because of the lack of them, I've got plenty! No lack of books whatsoever, I just cannot get into one, and it's becoming a real issue! My hopeless romantic side always gets me, always make me feel like I've read an amazing unforgettable book, but this time, this novel hit me hard, very hard that it is always on my mind. I don't believe it's the story, it's more the characters that made me realize a lot about life, about human reactions and believes. Since then, I've got the issue of not getting into any books, even the ones I find interesting or the ones that intrigue me. 

Bookworms are people who are fans of reading, getting into someone's imagination, to learn about someone's point of view. They also have some issues, some problems that only book lovers can understand!
Here are some...

* When someone asks us what is our favorite book, we don't know... We've got plenty of them, don't ask, please. It's uncomfortable, I would know, I never really give an answer. 

*When books become movies and the plot changes from the novel. When they get everything wrong, it's just awful! Get it right!

*When you start liking someone and they tell you they don't like to read, don't like books. It makes you think about starting a relationship twice! 

* You forget to eat or drink, go to the bathroom or ignore everything and everyone around. If you are reading a novel in one setting, you forget your real life, you are involved in the book, you live in it, so the rest comes after. 

*That moment when you thought your favorite character will live forever and dies on you all the sudden and you pretend that they are still alive, but obviously it's not the same... Hate that moment, the box of tissue is needed! 

*Reading these bloody awful reviews on the novel you love gets you mad, your happy smile disappears! 

*When you finish the first book of a sequel but you have to wait another year to get it... It's frustrating. But it could be worse, some authors just stop the series and then it's just not frustrating anymore, it's murder! Finish the bloody series, don't let us hang! 

*When someone looks at you and says "You read too much." Well at least I'm getting smarter, I'm making my neurons work not like the others who don't even pick up a book! 

Anyways, hopefully, I will get into a book that I enjoy reading soon because I miss having my alone time with a good novel. 

"Books are a uniquely portable magic." -Stephen King

~Bella

Just a little song...

I've got to enjoy the Cranberries again, the Irish rock band that always got me to shiver...
So here is a song that I really enjoy and the lyrics...

Just My Imagination

There was a game we used to play

We would hit the town on Friday night

And stay in bed until Sunday

We used to be so free

We were living for the love we had and 

Living not for reality

It was just my imagination (x3)

There was a time I used to pray

I have always kept my faith in love 

It's the greatest thing from the man above

The game I used to play

I've always put my cards upon the table

Let it never be said that I'd be unstable

It was just my imagination (x3)

There is a game I like to play

I like to hit the town on Friday night

And stay in bed until Sunday

We'll always be this free

We will be living for the love we have

Living not for reality

It's not my imagination (x3)

Not my (x18)

" It does not matter anyway." -Mesmerize (Promises The Cranberries cover)

~Bella

Ps: You should come by again tomorrow as I'm not posting on Friday... Sorry! But there will be one post tomorrow...