Little by little...

Apologizes to everyone for not blogging for two weeks... Two busy weeks which turned into a living nightmare when I got to meet new people. Nightmare wouldn't be the best word to describe it as I was the happiest person on Earth at the time...

Meeting new people could be terrifying, awfully terrifying.

Not too long ago, I had to meet new people, talk to them, drink and eat with them... Not in a million years, I would have imagined myself getting interested in knowing more about a family, and yet, I got interested.
Not in a million years, I would have thought about getting involved in such a complex story... And yet, here I am getting myself attached! 

Complexity should be my middle name, each time, I try to put myself out there, be there for certain people, something stupidly emerge from the shadows to destroy what I try my hardest to do or not do.

I strongly believe it's part of that curse, the one I talked about a few articles ago.

Meeting these new people made me realize how much I was homesick. Homesick for Europe, the food, the conversations, the jokes, the drinks, the pubs, the people, everything... Homesick ...

Despite the fact that I've been living in California for over 9 years, I don't feel like home, not fully. I feel out of place half the time, even though I enjoy lots of things around the beautiful city I live in, it's not the same. It's not me. Not my culture, my view on life, my ways of saying or doing things... I even try to stop my accent from ruining my day, afraid to have someone ask me to repeat many many times what I just said.
I don't believe I've been this homesick for a while, nor ever before. I always contained the feelings which would rush in, unexpectedly. But now, more than ever before, I miss everything, the people mostly, but everything in general. And being around Europeans is far from helping. How can I not miss where I'm from? I feel like I'm myself when I'm around Europeans, no more restrictions, no more stupidity... I can say whatever I wish and no one argues or diminishes me. It's fantastic but being homesick is far from being a nice, warm feeling.

When you are living in a country that isn't yours, that doesn't feel like you belong there, the ties you once had with your hometown becomes stronger. You start missing everything, little by little.

I wouldn't write about the subject if I wasn't crying my eyes out. Sounds pathetic when I say it this way, but I can't just lie about what's going on. Since Monday the 27th, everyone I met before Thanksgiving left back to their countries, leaving me to my thoughts. These horrible, one-way thoughts. The ones who try very hard to make you move away from the city you are currently living in. Don't pretend like you've never had a strange feeling of just leaving everything behind to start all over again? Or else I look insane... Cause that is what I want to do right this moment. 

Don't believe I have no friends around, I do, but it's not the same, not the people I feel like I can call "home" in a way. I'm quite lucky to have certain people in my life such as my good friend T... I don't know what I would do without her, we are kind of like an old couple at times, but that makes us be special in certain ways. I love it and I would hate myself for leaving in such a hurry without her. However, I wasn't born and raised in California or the USA. I was raised in Europe, born there, and my mentality is full on European. I have more enemies than friends, I say whatever comes to my head and even though I believe America has many opportunities, I still don't understand half of what Californians do (not even close to understanding).  

Even with many reasons behind me, supporting me on staying in California, a part of me just says, "Leave the place, you are far from being happy. Move away, start again, meet new people and create a new life where you can build something happy for yourself." 
Sounds amazing, leaving behind the past, the pain, the rumors, the hate, people who prefer to hate you instead of understanding you. Sounds fantastic and yet... 

I don't belong in this country, but how am I going to move away? Should I leave without thinking of the future first? Should I just wait and see if I meet the right person where I am at the moment? Should I just forget everything and everyone and do my own thing, wishing it will be the best decision? 

So many questions, and no answer...

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."

~Bella

Little once, little forever...

I didn't know how to start this post, it is quite personal but people don't know half of what makes me, me... Not many will know what I had to go through at a young age and what I still have to deal with at my age. Yes, I'll be talking about ten year or more ago. Yes, it's going to be about me, but also how it may affect others as well. I know there's worse people than me who have to go through a lot more at a younger age. Everyone deals with situations differently, and this is how I've dealt with a few things. 

To make you understand a few things, I never really lived with my father as he worked the entire week, and would come back only on weekends. I never had a father at home like most of my peers from school, and I was alright with that. I still had my mother and brother with me! Second, my parents divorced when I was about ten years of age, leaving my brother being six. 
Children don't comprehend why their parents separate until the day one or both parents talk about the subject, calmly with plenty of explanation that the child will understand. It will be a stressful time for everyone, and many children react badly, abandonment, violence will be present, verbally or physically. Other kids will just be shut off, introverted, depressed, will ignore everyone and everything. And some will just live their life, leaving their parents to deal with the problem themselves. 

Now, most parents will talk in front of the children, and this will be the end of the beautiful, innocence that children have as they mature up quicker. It's a fault, but not talking, telling the truth doesn't help either. Kids need some reassurance, confidence, as well as space to process what's going on, and the parents need to be open minded to the possibility of responding to questions, without being evil about the other parent. 

My parents had violent fights as well as dishes being thrown, hits from my father to my mother, bloody hands, and yelling, lots of yelling especially from my father. Treats and revengeful words were thrown as well as death treats from my father to my mother. 
When you hear about guns and killing your mother, trust me, you will start being afraid of the consequence, the future, what your father is capable of doing. 
People don't understand why I don't trust men, why I have such a hard time being able to act "normally" around them and why I'm so distant at times. It's not a hatred against men, it's more a cautious side that shows up more often than what I anticipate. Imagine this...

You are about ten, you had your first kiss, you have a younger brother, you are finishing elementary school (In France, 6th grade is in junior high and not elementary). You play piano and teach your cat an easy song. You are a bookworm with earplugs almost all the time... Have amazing grades in literature and history, bad grades in math. You spend hours trying to fix issues with friends, listening to their problems as well as ignoring your own. Then one day, your mother decides to leave your father. That one doesn't take it slightly, making treats, being even more violent than he usually is, hits more than before, and yells all the time. You see, your mother sleep upstairs in the spare bed while your father is downstairs in the bedroom which happen to be below yours. You wake up suddenly in the middle of the night just to hear him cry or yell or making noises as he search wardrobes for whatever. 
This is just a passage as you leave a few months later to live in another city, another school, and you go see your father one or two weekends each month. You feel a little better, your mother explains why she left, but  you are living in fear that your father comes around to kill you and your mother, brother. Whenever you go back to his place, all he does is complain, breaks photo frame, shows you the blood that runs down his hand, even if he knows you can't see it because you either faint or throw up. He barely makes dinner so you are stuck doing it yourself, makes grocery shopping lists for the next day, you are stuck with telling your brother to go shower before dinner time. Putting your brother to bed and play with him. Stuck with the responsibility of dealing with a father that only cries, complains and pretends to be the good guy when it's the opposite. Stuck with the responsibility of protecting your brother by getting the hits yourself, by telling him to go back upstairs and lock the door in case something goes wrong...

How would you deal with all that? 
How would you feel about all this? 
How would you behave in this situation?
Would you still trust a man? Talk to your father? 

My mother helped me a lot, supported me, but I still felt alone, and I had to mature up quicker than everyone my age. None of my friends would understand and I barely talked because, let's be honest, it's embarrassing. It's like a woman who is dealing with domestic violence, will she speak up? Will she leave? Most the time, they are too scared to do that. So a ten years old girl isn't capable of much. 
I'm turning twenty-one in a couple months from now, and no, I've never really talked about it all to someone except a few things to some people who I thought would understand and listen. Sadly, people still manage to tell me that I have a problem, that I don't trust enough people, that I'm too honest, that I shut down quickly, I judge people too fast. After my teenage years, I had to deal with liars, manipulators, a father that rejected me, and you expect me to be all trusting? I don't think so.  You can't expect me to not trust my gusts when I'm usually right about someone. Over the years, I learned that not every man is the same, that some are actually lovable and sweet, the opposite of my father. But, still, do not expect me to trust you, to not be cold at first, and behave differently than I am. 

Traumas don't go away, they stay, heal over time, but they stay. Just like you forgive, but never forget! In my case, I won't be able to forgive a man that insulting me, hit me, proved that I was nothing to him for years, that doesn't try to explain or apologize for his action! Before you judge the way I am, try and comprehend why I became the way I am today. Instead of putting me down by insulting me, my behavior, or telling me to change, try and listen to my story. 
Everyone doesn't get the chance to have a happy childhood, joyful teenage years, being the little princess or prince. Some have to deal with screams, violence, and others. We may be strong, we may strive and let the past be the past, move on, but the trauma is still here, it may affect us in a way that we cannot always control!

"It's not the future that you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious. "

~Bella

She's always a woman to me...

Not long ago, I discover this kid on YouTube, Britain's Got Talent... He was so talented that it brought me to tears. I knew the song, She's Always A Woman To Me from Billy Joel, but it never affected me as much as this kid did! I'm not personally the only one who thought this kid had talent, everyone did!

She's Always A Woman To Me

She can kill with a smile

She can wound with her eyes

She can ruin your faith with her casual lies

And she only reveals what she wants you to see

She hides like a child

But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love

She can take you or leave you

She can ask for the truth

But she'll never believe

And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free

Yeah, she steals like a thief

But she's always a woman to me

Chorus: 

Oh, she takes care of herself

She can wait if she wants

She's ahead of her time

Oh, and hse never gives out

And she never gives in

She just changes her mind

She will promise you more

Than the Garden of Eden

Then she'll carelessly cut you

And laugh while you're bleedin'

But she'll bring out the best

And the worst you can be

Blame it all on yourself

Cause she's always a woman to me

Chorus

She is frequently kind

And she's suddenly cruel

She can do as she pleases

She's nobody's fool

But she can't be convicted 

She's earned her degree

And the most she will do

Is throw shadows at you

But she's always a woman to me.

"I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music." -Billy Joel

~Bella

Start being happy...

Every morning, the sun rises, or rain crash on your window. We hear kids going to school, laughing one another... 

Waking up happy isn't what we do. 
We are allowing anxiety, fears, regrets and resentments take over our actions. Even though coffee or showers may help, but it doesn't solve everything.

The good news is that there are many things we can do to help us grow stronger, move away from pain and get the negativity and mental habits that clutter our minds leave us. 

How to let go of the past... Not an easy question to answer, but I had the experience to actually use a few ways to let it all go and start being happy. It's difficult, I'm still learning, but I promise if you try to really do it and take it seriously, you will make it out alright! 

Little one:
Your childhood dreams back to childhood! We all dream of becoming a knight, a princess, a cowboy, a teacher... But we most likely won't make these dreams come true, we grow up from these.Until you let go and let them be just a souvenir, they will tug at you! Some dreams are possible, wanting to go watch your favorite sports team play or hike in the mountains. It doesn't cost too much time nor money, so go for it! Take chances, releasing the charge will be a happier experience than the experience itself. Otherwise, write down your childhood dream on paper, let it flow down the stream or burn it, free yourself from your past!

Little two:
Kick perfectionism out the door! Perfect is the enemy of pretty good. And good is what gets up forward. Perfection doesn't exist, you make it happen by accepting flaws. Move forward, don't try to search for perfection! 

Little three:
Stop trying to impress everyone! What's the catch? It's not you, it's a mask that covers your true self. Some people are either going to be too hard to impress, or they will be too easy to do so, but they aren't worth your efforts. So you want to impress someone, impress yourself.

Little four:
Get your buttom working out! Go run, speed walk, jump up and down, go dance, or the gym. Release anger, stress, to increase happy hormones (endorphins). It's legal, free, and healthy! Go ahead!

Little five:
Speak your own truth! You can speak up and speak your mind, indeed, but don't push it! Find a safer way to express what you are feeling, write it down or truth a friend, someone you can really talk to about everything without worrying about judgments. Blow off all that roiling angry energy and clear your mind so you can make positive, helpful choices in your life. You don't need any poison in your life! 

Little six:
Stop putting yourself down! As a wise man said, "Do not complain about the things you cannot change. And the things you can change? Do not complain about them either". To make it clear, if there are aspects of your personality or life you'd like to change, release condemning yourself and simply take steps to start changing it. Action inspires self-love, motivation, and joy.

Little seven:
Put yourself in other's shoes! Your perspective is highly different than others as we commonly think differently. Try to imagine yourself in someone's life! You'll grow wiser as well as more compassionate! You'll feel so much better about yourself, your life, and you will appreciate what is around you.

Little eight:
Get serious, real when it comes to love! It's only an idea that you have one "soul mate". Even if you went through a really tough breakup or lost someone, there's no reason not to believe you are capable of loving another. G.S Saw said about marriage, that it's "based on the exaggeration of one woman's value about all others."

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul." -Brigitte Nicole

~Bella

Let's change everything about you...

"You sure you want to dress like this?" He asked with a fake smile on his face making me want to vomit. 

This situation had sadly happened to me a few times, and even though I'm quite headstrong, when it's your boyfriend asking you this, you change your clothes immediately! It starts like this, little comments, then it becomes like this:

"Oh, your opinion doesn't count, you aren't a professional, you don't know what you're talking about. You should just stay quiet!" 

This happened to me many times... I lost count after 11... To tell the truth, I would have rather have forgotten about how many times these types of comments affected me dearly. 

I don't want to generalize everyone so do NOT take it personally! If you do, though, maybe you should take a good look at yourself... 

To debut, I have to say that it affects women and men! Both gender not just women, but since I'm one, obviously my experience might slightly be different than what a guy might experience! 

I've done this once, only once... 

I have been in a relationship with a sweet guy, who were complimenting me enough and made me smile. At first, everything seems perfect (don't try and deny it, we all know that's true), then slowly, both people open up, are more themselves... In my case, I was always myself, I didn't try to hide or fake something. But after a couple months, little comments like the first phrase began to come up a lot more than usual. It would be casual, but still, it was there. So I did what others in love young woman would do, change the way I was dressed or how I put my hair up or down... Started as little... Then the comments would be more around my personality. " You should be quiet..." or " I didn't like how you smiled at the waiter, it was too flirty..." Like really? 

Comments like these are just annoying, and it shows that the other person wants to change you. It's not right, and no one should try to change another human being! 
I'm not trying to tell you to just be quiet, not tell the other person that something bothers you, but there are ways to say these things! Don't aggress, or make the person feel terrible for what they may have done! 

Tell them calmly, don't try to push anything, you can't change anyone, but if that person wants to ameliorate their ways of doing things, they will under their own time, not yours. Don't push it or else you will ending pushing them away, losing them. We wouldn't want that to happen! Communication is key, yes, but don't try and control the other person, they aren't your property to rule over, there are no laws in love, so don't make any! 
For example: 
If you have trouble with the way the other person is dressed, don't say, "Don't wear that" or " You look like a sl**" Don't insult, just be like, "Honey, I don't think this fits well, do you have anything you can wear. I don't think it's appropriate for the occasion." 
It's that simple, but don't overdo it either, after all, people are free to say and do as they want! 

Now, there are some good changes in life and relationships! 

You can change into someone better, ameliorate your ways of expressing yourself (that's a big issue of mine). When you are changing your way of living, leaving the past behind you and concentrate on your future. Or even when you change the way you view ideas... These are the good changes, and it's wonderful. The more you grow up, mature up, we all evolve in our ways and time. We change perspective, change our views, change our destiny in a way! Just don't try and change your partner because you don't like something! They aren't yours, they aren't your property, you have no rights to try to change or even help someone change without approval. 

Just be yourself and let them be, accept and keep growing as a couple! We all deserve to be happy so don't destroy something beautiful because you have a clear idea of how you want your other half to be like. There is no one like you imagine, take the good instead of trying to find perfection. 

"Don't let anyone change who you are, to become what they need." - Margott

~Bella