Breakups are difficult, but so is trusting again...

How many heartbreaks have you had? Or were you the one that broke hearts?

Breakups are painful, depressing, and yet, we still have to go through it cause that's life. Can't do much about it. The worse part is the trust that we lose during a breakup, it doesn't necessarily come back this easily, it's almost impossible (it feels like it is at least).

My last breakup did a lot more damage than I would have thought, even though I didn't cry over it; preferring to hide my feelings and emotions, ignored instead of dealing with the pain...Somehow, after a breakup, some people are emotionally traumatized by the behavior of their ex-lover. I somehow managed to move on, and even if I tried to connect with others, the same issue happened each time, lack of trust.
Trust can be reestablished over time, it may take some time to some and less for others, in my case, it took much more time than expected. Once you lose the trust you put into someone, it will be complex to be in a healthy relationship again. 

Fear of trusting someone again is commonly known as pistanthrophobia. It does in fact exist and many of us suffer from it. I personally don't trust anyone in general, but when I get into a relationship, a serious one, I tend to give a little of my trust, and as the relationship grows, I grow along, giving more and more of the trust. Sadly, this does affect my relationship with others especially boyfriends. Not everyone has the capacity to understand such an issue, not that it is an easy one either. 

People who are going through the phobia or went through it before will agree on how time-consuming it is to trust again. When trust is lost, it takes quite plenty to overcome it.
But don't worry, you have the capacity to get over it, move along, and trust again! 

Do you trust yourself? Because if you don't, it will be difficult to trust someone else. It's like the saying "You have to love yourself before you can try loving someone else." 
If you can't trust your gut instincts when it was trying to tell you that the person wasn't who they claimed they are or promised you the world, start trusting yourself. You never know what you may be feeling, and if you feel something wrong, trust your instinct. It is rarely wrong! 

Stop being negative, not every man or woman is the same. It is a natural response to a hurtful breakup, but saying all these tiny things such as " All men can't be trusted." or " Women are born manipulative." 
The Law of Attraction assumes what you're saying is the truth, so if you keep saying these things, the universe is most likely going to bring you the bad people into your life until you start saying positive things.  Acknowledging one person did your wrong is one thing but holding a grudge against the same gender isn't right. Not every man or woman is responsible for this particular person's behavior. 

Get some time for yourself, treat yourself right, treat yourself like you deserve it! Get that extra sleep you've been wanting to get for so long. Little things can make a difference! Listening to sad songs, watch sad movies or look at photos, it will make it all worse.

Forgive the ex-partner! Why not? Could be hard to do if you don't forgive anyone, I know I have this issue as I prefer to hold grudges, but I forgave my ex-boyfriend, it took a lot, yes, but it set me free. You aren't a victim but a survivor so show it to the world and yourself!

And the last piece of advice I can give you is to accept the brutal truth that not every relationship is meant to last. Think about the opportunity, the lessons you have learned through each relationship! Recognize that some people are only meant to be in your life for a limit amount of time, and when that unique person comes into your life, you will know exactly what to do. When that one person comes in your life, you'll be ready!

 Trust, trust again! 

"Once you have really hurt someone, it will always be in the back of their mind even if they still have a smile on their face." 

~Bella

Open or close...

I'm going to start by saying it never happened to me and may not happen anytime soon. This is what I had to hear from a friend, which I consider a close friend! Not my story but his, in a sort of way.

"Bella, you are not supposed to be in this generation. You are too much of an old soul, a beautiful simple pure love type of woman. Too much of a hopeless romantic." Confessed my best friend in Italy a few months ago.

Can't deny my hopeless romantic side, guess that means I'll stay single for a while!

So as I was saying this is a short fact about a friend of mine who I would have never believed it happened to him. Especially him. Not my best friend from Italy, he is like my clone when it comes to love. But another friend, one I care deeply about.

As we were conversing, he had to mention that his best relationship was an opened one. (I don't know how would you react, but I kind of had a shock attack, not believing what I was reading.) Quite the big news when he has said he's the hopeless romantic type of guy. I felt like he had been lying to me all this time and trust me I got broken into millions of pieces, shattered because I just couldn't have imagined this of him.
Don't think I started judging him, I didn't, it may have come out that way, but I can't judge something or someone when I have no experience when it comes to this particular type of relationship. Cause let's be honest it's a tricky relationship. Not something I'm into, or interested in experience it. Not my thing! After all, he is a friend, and I cannot judge his beliefs, I don't have to agree with him which I didn't and try to understand which I tried my hardest to. Probably failing at it on the way.

I couldn't talk to him naturally, couldn't stop having the same thought ' my friend saying he is loyal yet sleeping around.' Even if it was agreed with his girlfriend at the time, it isn't something I expected from him.
I can't lie and say I moved on, forgetting about this shocking news, I couldn't. My curiosity got the best of me. I asked about it. He simply answered without trying to detail anything to me, staying positive, fearless of my opinion, which I believe changed as soon as he saw I wasn't alright with it.

We discussed the situation in a simple way, I tried to keep an open mind, trying to stay away from argumentative talks.
He simply explained how being in an open relationship made him feel like he was free to do as he wished. Being in bars and not worrying about flirting or talking to girls around. He felt like it was easier to talk to the girlfriend, no secrets, honesty, and trust. Plus the bonus, the cherry on top, threesomes or Ménage à Trois if you know what I mean.

Simple answer right? A very quick answer to why he thought it was his best. Barely any drama, trust, honesty and mutual respect. They would come back to one another for love and companionship, and the others were just sexual pleasures, one night stands, fun nights.
Reading this answer made me feel sick in my stomach " a hopeless romantic"... Please give me something to make me believe that. Trying to understand where he was coming from was much more difficult than I anticipated. Sharing your partner with others, free to flirt with whoever, sleep around even if it's meaningless sex. It is quite different from what I could imagine coming from a hopeless romantic but then again... I can't judge!
But then he did say the downside of things. It is hard when a few things come into play.

Being in an open relationship is far from being easy as some would think. When two people agree to stay as a couple but still have the freedom to sleep with others, they both have to know how to trust and stay away from jealousy. When jealousy comes to play, "Oh, but you have more partners than me" or " I can't have you sleep around, I can't share", the relationship becomes harder! Then you have the lack of trust, faith in your partner, the fear of losing them completely, fear they will start loving others. So when you are in an open relationship, it could come up as harder than a "closed relationship."
That said, let me repeat myself, I'm not trying to judge anyone who agrees to have open relationships. My friend had reasons on why he went into one. 

If you want to have an open relationship with someone, please do yourself a favour and check, talk to your partner a lot, get everything straight. 

This little fact might have come to a surprise, but at the end of the day, I can't just ignore my friend, judge him! It doesn't define him, it shaped him as a human being, but it's not the entire him. Yes, he had an open relationship before, but he is still the same old person I've got to know over time and I'm proud to be a part of his life. 
When you think of the whole story, he might have not detailed anything or explained much at first, took his time to tell me the background, but at the end, the full story showed up, explaining everything. I may not be the best person like the one he once loved, but...  I'm lucky in many ways... 

"Never judge a book by its cover just like don't judge a person by its appearance."

~Bella

Does your astrological sign should matter? (13)

Astrology is quite an interesting topic by itself, but it will be a much more interesting subject when you read about two different sign. 
We all have two signs though... The sun and the moon sign. Your sun sign dictates your zodiac personality while your moon sign will represent your emotions, your inner mood. Even if we focus on the sun sign, the moon sign is the second most important influence in your horoscope chart after the sun. As for me, both of my signs are cancer, and trust me, I feel how both signs are around. 

Each zodiac sign have certain weaknesses and strengths, qualities and flaws. 

Now, should zodiac signs matter when in love with someone? I don't believe so as each individual is unique, and the sign will only give you an idea of what to expect in a person. IT won't be all accurate and tacking what they say about signs won't get you far. 
The fun fact about lots of people, including myself is how we look up if our signs and the sign of the person we like will be compatible. Obviously, it should affect your view on the person, but you may end up learning a few important traits about the person. 
In fact, we aren't, cannot be compatible with everyone just like we cannot force love onto someone. Yet, many of us look up if both signs are still compatible or not, sometimes just to have a support, something to make us go forward with our feelings. 

I've had relationships with different signs and manage to notice that charts aren't always wrong but they can also be very on point. You just have to trust your heart once in a while as well as your brain! For instance, I was dating a libra for a bit, and usually both of our signs aren't much compatible. We were doing aright, but then life got in the way of things, and we had to part. Another example of a couple who are making an amazing example of how two really different signs can work it all out is Tom and Giovanna Fletcher. You may know Tom as a part of a band, McFly, and his kids books. Giovanna is a wonderful writer, wrote one of my favourite book which is Billy and Me. She happens to be an Aries while Tom is a Cancer like me. Two signs who, according to various articles and charts, are far from working. Yet, they have known each other for a long time, married, and have two beautiful boys. I actually look up at them, great relationship example. 

Before you can determine either your relationship will work based on the signs, you have to understand there are four types of signs, water, air, fire, and earth. 

Water signs which are Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. They are very emotional signs who are very compassionate, understanding.  I'm a little Cancer and when they say we are emotional train wrack, we are. 
Earth signs are Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. If you want something real, go to them. Loyal, stable, slow and steady. My younger brother is a Taurus and let me tell you, I think I found my competition for the stubborn side of our personality. 
Air signs are all about actions, ideas and motions. Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. My mum is a Gemini and my other younger brother is an Aquarius. Both are very creative, intelligent people who will not stay around, always adventuring. Hard to stay in a relationship!
Fire signs, Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. They tend to be passionate, temperamental, and slightly cocky to say the least. Love the intention. My best friend is a Sagittarius and she loves to have all eyes on her. She is kind and smart though, quite the happy person. 

So that said, you are in a relationship with the person for who they are and not their signs. They may play a role, but do you need to listen to each word someone out there said about the sign? 

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us read for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what I hope to give you forever." - The Notebook

~Bella

Little once, little forever...

I didn't know how to start this post, it is quite personal but people don't know half of what makes me, me... Not many will know what I had to go through at a young age and what I still have to deal with at my age. Yes, I'll be talking about ten year or more ago. Yes, it's going to be about me, but also how it may affect others as well. I know there's worse people than me who have to go through a lot more at a younger age. Everyone deals with situations differently, and this is how I've dealt with a few things. 

To make you understand a few things, I never really lived with my father as he worked the entire week, and would come back only on weekends. I never had a father at home like most of my peers from school, and I was alright with that. I still had my mother and brother with me! Second, my parents divorced when I was about ten years of age, leaving my brother being six. 
Children don't comprehend why their parents separate until the day one or both parents talk about the subject, calmly with plenty of explanation that the child will understand. It will be a stressful time for everyone, and many children react badly, abandonment, violence will be present, verbally or physically. Other kids will just be shut off, introverted, depressed, will ignore everyone and everything. And some will just live their life, leaving their parents to deal with the problem themselves. 

Now, most parents will talk in front of the children, and this will be the end of the beautiful, innocence that children have as they mature up quicker. It's a fault, but not talking, telling the truth doesn't help either. Kids need some reassurance, confidence, as well as space to process what's going on, and the parents need to be open minded to the possibility of responding to questions, without being evil about the other parent. 

My parents had violent fights as well as dishes being thrown, hits from my father to my mother, bloody hands, and yelling, lots of yelling especially from my father. Treats and revengeful words were thrown as well as death treats from my father to my mother. 
When you hear about guns and killing your mother, trust me, you will start being afraid of the consequence, the future, what your father is capable of doing. 
People don't understand why I don't trust men, why I have such a hard time being able to act "normally" around them and why I'm so distant at times. It's not a hatred against men, it's more a cautious side that shows up more often than what I anticipate. Imagine this...

You are about ten, you had your first kiss, you have a younger brother, you are finishing elementary school (In France, 6th grade is in junior high and not elementary). You play piano and teach your cat an easy song. You are a bookworm with earplugs almost all the time... Have amazing grades in literature and history, bad grades in math. You spend hours trying to fix issues with friends, listening to their problems as well as ignoring your own. Then one day, your mother decides to leave your father. That one doesn't take it slightly, making treats, being even more violent than he usually is, hits more than before, and yells all the time. You see, your mother sleep upstairs in the spare bed while your father is downstairs in the bedroom which happen to be below yours. You wake up suddenly in the middle of the night just to hear him cry or yell or making noises as he search wardrobes for whatever. 
This is just a passage as you leave a few months later to live in another city, another school, and you go see your father one or two weekends each month. You feel a little better, your mother explains why she left, but  you are living in fear that your father comes around to kill you and your mother, brother. Whenever you go back to his place, all he does is complain, breaks photo frame, shows you the blood that runs down his hand, even if he knows you can't see it because you either faint or throw up. He barely makes dinner so you are stuck doing it yourself, makes grocery shopping lists for the next day, you are stuck with telling your brother to go shower before dinner time. Putting your brother to bed and play with him. Stuck with the responsibility of dealing with a father that only cries, complains and pretends to be the good guy when it's the opposite. Stuck with the responsibility of protecting your brother by getting the hits yourself, by telling him to go back upstairs and lock the door in case something goes wrong...

How would you deal with all that? 
How would you feel about all this? 
How would you behave in this situation?
Would you still trust a man? Talk to your father? 

My mother helped me a lot, supported me, but I still felt alone, and I had to mature up quicker than everyone my age. None of my friends would understand and I barely talked because, let's be honest, it's embarrassing. It's like a woman who is dealing with domestic violence, will she speak up? Will she leave? Most the time, they are too scared to do that. So a ten years old girl isn't capable of much. 
I'm turning twenty-one in a couple months from now, and no, I've never really talked about it all to someone except a few things to some people who I thought would understand and listen. Sadly, people still manage to tell me that I have a problem, that I don't trust enough people, that I'm too honest, that I shut down quickly, I judge people too fast. After my teenage years, I had to deal with liars, manipulators, a father that rejected me, and you expect me to be all trusting? I don't think so.  You can't expect me to not trust my gusts when I'm usually right about someone. Over the years, I learned that not every man is the same, that some are actually lovable and sweet, the opposite of my father. But, still, do not expect me to trust you, to not be cold at first, and behave differently than I am. 

Traumas don't go away, they stay, heal over time, but they stay. Just like you forgive, but never forget! In my case, I won't be able to forgive a man that insulting me, hit me, proved that I was nothing to him for years, that doesn't try to explain or apologize for his action! Before you judge the way I am, try and comprehend why I became the way I am today. Instead of putting me down by insulting me, my behavior, or telling me to change, try and listen to my story. 
Everyone doesn't get the chance to have a happy childhood, joyful teenage years, being the little princess or prince. Some have to deal with screams, violence, and others. We may be strong, we may strive and let the past be the past, move on, but the trauma is still here, it may affect us in a way that we cannot always control!

"It's not the future that you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious. "

~Bella

Phobias To Say The Least...

Phobias... 

The meaning of phobias, according to the dictionary is a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it.

After studying psychology, reading the books that talked about the subject, I realized that I developed a lot more phobias than I thought I had. Most phobias originate from extreme past traumatic experiences. Highly sensitive people are more prone to get phobias...

Here are the ones I have and maybe that you have as well.

*Agliophobia*

Fear of pain, Unwarranted, persistent irrational fear of pain.  

*Thantophobia*

Fear of death or dying. In my case, it's more losing someone because of death. 

*Kainotophobia*

The morbid fear of anything new and changes. Not knowing how to deal with anything uncommon. 

*Eremophobia*

Fear of being alone or of loneliness. 

*Altophobia*

Fear of heights.

*Pistanthrophobia* 

The fear of trusting people due to bad experiences with prior lovers. 

*Bathophobia* 

Fear of depths, associated with the sea or water bodies of various type. Bathophobics are also known to fear mountain valleys, cave or even tunnels. My phobia mostly consists of bodies of water like the sea and caves. 

*Atychiphobia*

The abnormal, unwarranted, and persistent fear of failure.

*Atelophobia* 

Fear of not being good enough. An anxiety disorder where the afflicted person feels like all they do is wrong. 

*Hemophobia*

Irrational fear of blood. Which may cause physical reactions that are uncommon in other fears, fainting.

*Autophobia*

Fear of abandonment and issues related to it. It may be extreme in some cases. Some will live in constant fear that their 'world will collapse' if their protectors or loved ones abandon them. In my case, it isn't extreme, but it is a phobia that I developed at a young age. 

The last one isn't considered a phobia, but more a fear...

*FOMO*

Fear of missing out. 

A phobia is a type of anxiety disorder, that build up quickly caused mostly by traumatic experiences, panic attacks may be frequent. Children who have a close relative that developed anxiety will most likely develop some type of phobia. A traumatic event like drowning experience may cause the person to fear water, deep water. 

There are many phobias, over 100, and every single one of them may impact your life. The common ones are:
Social Phobias which is also referred to as "social anxiety disorder." This is extreme worry about social situations that can lead to self-isolation. ( I went through it and to get out of it, it's impossible by yourself, you need others to be better).
Specific Phobias which mean that people dislike certain situations or objects, but to be a true phobia, the fear must interfere with your daily life. 
Agoraphobia which is a fear of places or situations that you can't escape from. Some fear of being in large crowds or trapped outside the home.
Substance abuse and depression may also be the cause of many phobias. I had a close friend who became an addict of a certain drug, and he developed a few phobias because he was using. He would always look behind him in fear someone would come up from behind to kill him. He has help now, but at the time, it was impossible to talk to him without him freaking out about the government listening to our conversations. Imagine how difficult it must be to live with these phobias, to be fair he didn't have much of a life, he was always afraid, always on his guard, always seeing the worse in people. 


If you have a phobia that keeps you from living, from going outside, I suggest you talk to someone close to you or get help with a stranger. I don't recommend you stay in these fears. 

"Having a phobia has changed me." - Willard Scott

~Bella

Sorry, not a happy one...

I apologize but I don't know if I'm going to be writing much this week, I'll try to keep on posting things that I wrote in advance, though. 

You know when you think everything goes well, but then somehow everything crashes down, everything gets thrown out like nothing happened... It is a horrible feeling. It's an empty feeling which consumes you entirely without explanation. It kills you slowly, makes you cry like never before, and it makes you realize how stupid you are for believing something could be good, ever good enough. That throwing up feeling you get from anxiety and crying too much that keeps coming back without warning... 
I don't know how people go through so much heartbreak and still stand up, I can't move, frozen, numb and destroyed. Barely breathing under these giant tears that are running down my face. I don't even know how to explain myself, I'm so ... I don't know. 
It's like that song "Give Me Love" from Ed Sheeran, I just want to hold on, but just like the song, I can't have love, it's not possible! That song is just going to repeat itself for a while, a long time cause honestly I can't do anything right now. Cupid can give love to others, but can't receive it. Cupid can make others be happy, make them feel loved, but he can't get it for himself. 

Why are we ready to go through hell and back for someone who doesn't want that to happen and prefers to leave? Why do we keep suffering? What's the catch? Are we suppose to feel this pain forever? 
Funny thing is I'm actually realizing that I'm a complete mess, worse than ever before, I don't even know who I am anymore. I gave myself away and now it's over in an instant. Now I'm supposed to trust people? How can someone go through this? I applause them, if you can stand tall in this situation, you are brave and strong! All I'll be doing is drink up, cry, fall back into depression, watch 50 First Dates, and listen to the same sad song... No more sleep, no more eating.... 

If you are one of these people that manage to get through a painful situation without falling into a deep depression, I admire you! You are beyond courageous! You have a strong personality, the level of emotion is under your control, that's amazing! Mine are all over the place, completely out the door, 

Anyways, sorry about this short post, and a sad one! It wasn't expected at all. This week might be boring :/ I apologize. I don't know when I'll be posting happy ones as I am entirely off track. If you are in the same situation right now, please keep in mind that it won't happen all the time (hopefully), that next time keep these walls up, don't give in, sex can wait, and don't develop feelings at all. Or just don't fall in love at all! The pain is beyond unbearable. I can't tolerate at all, being dumped isn't fun. 

~ Bella

Writing or talking...

Talking... A form of communication that I do not like to practice much, especially in certain cases!

This is a topic that I dislike to discuss in general as it can be tough at times.
I'm not even sure how to begin this post, I just thought that writing about communication would make me want to talk to my dear friend a lot more... As he is trying his hardest to make me talk!


Everyone is different, meaning some prefer to talk while others prefer to write.

Throughout my life, I thought that talking was just annoying; highly preferred to write everything down with a pen. On the plus side, when you write everything down, you can come back at it later on, and read it all over again like it was the first time.


In psychology you learn that talking makes everyone feel better, it's also why there are therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists... They are here to listen to you and help you out. Everyone needs someone to talk to, even if that means a relative or just a close friend or even a complete stranger. 
Have you ever felt better after a moment of talking to someone else? I know I have. I can't deny the fact that I do, indeed, feel a lot better, but somehow, it feels wrong. I feel like if I talk to someone, they might just not listen and pretend to make me smile afterwards, or I'll just feel like I'm annoying them! I know it's not good to feel this way, but that's how I feel most the time. I don't want to bug people with my life, I know everyone has issues to deal with... People come to me for help, so I got used to helping others, and I love it! But I come after everyone else, so if I can help someone before myself, I will... It's just me though! You may feel entirely different about the subject! 

Talking to someone may help you figure a lot out, but it can also make you feel uncomfortable. There are some pros and cons. You just have to know your limits when it comes to certain people. 
In my experience, I learned one thing, you cannot trust anyone, you have to be really careful on who you talk to, especially if you want to share some issues with that person. Just make sure she is the right one to talk about the subject before you make a fool of yourself. 

Back in junior high, I had a close friend, kind of a like a little sister who was very similar to me. We both shared our life stories, our problems, everything. I would go to her place almost every week, and we were always or almost always together at school... She was like the best friend I could have gotten. Sadly, things happened, high school happened, and we went our separate ways. Not that I don't look back at a few things and wish I had done thing differently, but without this experience I wouldn't have learned anything. She became bitter when it came to me, wasn't looking at me, talking to me and even started rumors, the worse possible ones, it was part of why I went in homeschooling as well. A year after I left the high school, I started receiving messages, long ones, mean and insulting ones. The ones where she would say that no one likes me, that my father disliked me for good reasons, and if she was him, she would have done the same, that my mother only loved me because I was a translator and that was all, that I should just jump off a bridge, die alone because that's what I deserved. 

I cried in front of everyone in the class, and started to breath badly, not understanding what could have happened because I hadn't talked to her in two years. I didn't even tried to stay in touch, blocked on every social media, blocked her number, her friends, and just cried. She was a friend at some point of my life, I was there when she needed it, and just like that gone.... It was like that never happened! She used my family issues against me, to make me feel bad, to make me jump and die, that's probably what she wanted at some point. I just don't understand why some people are cruel to others who don't even talk to them. All I know is that she had family issues of her own, and she might have wanted to have



someone to be mean to, to take all that anger out, and it had to be me. I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer what I had to, so somehow I'm glad this little episode happened. It taught me to be careful on what I say to people. 

Talking is a great help, it liberates you from inner demons, and it makes you see clearer. I know that I can talk to my friend, not about everything but a lot of it... Just be careful on who you talk to, how much you talk and if that person isn't going to back stab you later on in life. If I were you, I would stay on my guards! You never know what's coming... And don't forget that talking doesn't just mean talking about problems but also your joys! 

"People are going to talk about you. Just smile and make them miserable."

~Bella