Welcoming the new year with such a big smile...

Happy Early New Year... 

Saturday is our last day of 2016... Such a terrible nightmare of a year it was for about almost everyone. We are all happy to know it's over soon! Hopefully, 2017 will be a better year, cause somehow without any doubt it was a quite inventful year!

The New Year, what a time to get all your projects on, start getting those specific goals set for the upcoming year! I know I've got my list already, in my head, but there are a few things that really needs to be done... Somehow these few things make a single goal...
Finish this novel of mine to end these ten years of constant pain, heal from these scars, make my mum proud. 

As many of you know already, I have been writing a novel, a fictional novel which consists of a family secret, mafia, and a young determined, stubborn young lady who is in search of the truth behind her mother's past. That past that no one ever mentioned! 

I've started this project about two years ago. The first year was mostly research, a lot of character development, and a lot of notes taken down as I was concentrating on read about Sicilian mafia or watching movies, documentaries. You may find it boring, I always thought it was entertaining and full of interest! The second year was an on and off writing course. Juggling family issues and trying to develop my novel; I'm talking as if this famous year is over... My novel isn't finished, I'm still writing chapters while writing articles for this blog. Talk to me about boring, I sound like a morbid already old person who doesn't live her life to the fullest. When I'm talking about all this, I sound insane about an unfinished story. No wonders why I'm single... 

A few people, who got interested in my novel, have asked me a ton of questions, where was the inspiration came from, why start writing about the Sicilian Mafia, what made you write in the first place... And the list goes on! 
I'm a writer just like my mother, it's in my genes, can't do anything about it. I've always kept a journal /diary since I can write, and today, I keep a blog, journal, and writing a book with another one on my mind. These questions make me think quite a lot, I never thought about them before being asked to answer. I usually respond briefly, not thinking much about it, but then, later on, they stab me in the back, hard. Why did I write, why did choose such an ending... 

Well, here's more details! 
Writing, for me, has always been a way to escape the real world just like reading, also a good reason why I'm such a bookworm! Writing has always helped me keep up with my thoughts, desires, wishes, my pain, breakups, and a lot more. So when I decided to write a novel, it was mostly to escape the reality that at the time was unbearable. I was going through a lot more than I could deal with and seized the opportunity to write a novel, which now sounds cool to some people. But, let's be honest, deep down, I started a novel, a fictional story based on real characters was to end my own story. To end what is now ten years of my life that I have to heal from, let go and move on. I took the chance of writing a fictional story based on me to help me realize how in pain I was. Don't judge that too quickly, I'm alright, honest, and I'm quite happy with life, but there's a part of me that has been hurt for a very long time, and I've always pushed the memories deep down inside instead of letting them go so I could move on. My back tattoo which is my quote in Italian, give me another reason why I needed to write a novel in the first place. "Writing is giving someone else an opportunity." It pretty much means that when someone writes a character based on a real person, the writer is giving an opportunity for that person to be a better one or just a monster, to give that real person the chance to become someone else, to re-live. 

Every writer has some issues, either it's family problems, breakups, anxiety, or even because they lost someone close, they write for a reason. And when people say writers are sad people who drink, it's not half way false, there's a part of truth behind it!
Writers are people who can sit in front of a blank page for hours, staring at it and think about the next adventure they will write. Writers will talk to their characters like they are real people. No matter who the writer is, whatever they write will have some part of the truth, part of experience behind the story, the plot, behind the characters. No matter what, writers always find a way to express themselves through stories just like a painter who take their anger out on canvas to express how they feel. 
So this new year, 2017, hopefully, will bring me to terms with some people, start new adventures with new exciting friends or even more... 

"Writers aren't people exactly. Or, if they're any good, they're a whole lot of people trying so hard to be one person." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

~Bella

Writing or talking...

Talking... A form of communication that I do not like to practice much, especially in certain cases!

This is a topic that I dislike to discuss in general as it can be tough at times.
I'm not even sure how to begin this post, I just thought that writing about communication would make me want to talk to my dear friend a lot more... As he is trying his hardest to make me talk!


Everyone is different, meaning some prefer to talk while others prefer to write.

Throughout my life, I thought that talking was just annoying; highly preferred to write everything down with a pen. On the plus side, when you write everything down, you can come back at it later on, and read it all over again like it was the first time.


In psychology you learn that talking makes everyone feel better, it's also why there are therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists... They are here to listen to you and help you out. Everyone needs someone to talk to, even if that means a relative or just a close friend or even a complete stranger. 
Have you ever felt better after a moment of talking to someone else? I know I have. I can't deny the fact that I do, indeed, feel a lot better, but somehow, it feels wrong. I feel like if I talk to someone, they might just not listen and pretend to make me smile afterwards, or I'll just feel like I'm annoying them! I know it's not good to feel this way, but that's how I feel most the time. I don't want to bug people with my life, I know everyone has issues to deal with... People come to me for help, so I got used to helping others, and I love it! But I come after everyone else, so if I can help someone before myself, I will... It's just me though! You may feel entirely different about the subject! 

Talking to someone may help you figure a lot out, but it can also make you feel uncomfortable. There are some pros and cons. You just have to know your limits when it comes to certain people. 
In my experience, I learned one thing, you cannot trust anyone, you have to be really careful on who you talk to, especially if you want to share some issues with that person. Just make sure she is the right one to talk about the subject before you make a fool of yourself. 

Back in junior high, I had a close friend, kind of a like a little sister who was very similar to me. We both shared our life stories, our problems, everything. I would go to her place almost every week, and we were always or almost always together at school... She was like the best friend I could have gotten. Sadly, things happened, high school happened, and we went our separate ways. Not that I don't look back at a few things and wish I had done thing differently, but without this experience I wouldn't have learned anything. She became bitter when it came to me, wasn't looking at me, talking to me and even started rumors, the worse possible ones, it was part of why I went in homeschooling as well. A year after I left the high school, I started receiving messages, long ones, mean and insulting ones. The ones where she would say that no one likes me, that my father disliked me for good reasons, and if she was him, she would have done the same, that my mother only loved me because I was a translator and that was all, that I should just jump off a bridge, die alone because that's what I deserved. 

I cried in front of everyone in the class, and started to breath badly, not understanding what could have happened because I hadn't talked to her in two years. I didn't even tried to stay in touch, blocked on every social media, blocked her number, her friends, and just cried. She was a friend at some point of my life, I was there when she needed it, and just like that gone.... It was like that never happened! She used my family issues against me, to make me feel bad, to make me jump and die, that's probably what she wanted at some point. I just don't understand why some people are cruel to others who don't even talk to them. All I know is that she had family issues of her own, and she might have wanted to have



someone to be mean to, to take all that anger out, and it had to be me. I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer what I had to, so somehow I'm glad this little episode happened. It taught me to be careful on what I say to people. 

Talking is a great help, it liberates you from inner demons, and it makes you see clearer. I know that I can talk to my friend, not about everything but a lot of it... Just be careful on who you talk to, how much you talk and if that person isn't going to back stab you later on in life. If I were you, I would stay on my guards! You never know what's coming... And don't forget that talking doesn't just mean talking about problems but also your joys! 

"People are going to talk about you. Just smile and make them miserable."

~Bella