The new goal...

New goal...

In my last post, I mentioned a GoFundMe which is for my future goal.

I've recently been sending my manuscript to publishing houses, but without much help, I cannot get much started. I'm new in the industry and taking a new writer can become a challenge. This is why my boyfriend talked about publishing myself. In order to publish, I'll need to get financially settle to pay editors and others. It may take a while, but thinking about it now maybe helpful. 

My novel is finished, yes, but it's only a first draft. Something that needs to be edited in order to be read by others, by clients. 

Obviously, a novel isn't easy to write or to edit, so in my head, I want to get a good editor and get my publication by myself if no publishing houses are into the story. Which means money... I ain't financially stable for the time being and getting help to make a publication work, it would mean the world. 

So here is the link if you are interested in knowing more about the novel and see if you want to support. https://www.gofundme.com/f/dreams-of-publishing-my-first-book&rcid=r01-1564755780,14-00a777e1068d4aaf&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

A new post is coming soon... 

~Bella

Ghostly Feelings

What do I mean by Ghostly Feelings?

I mean the little flashbacks, the memories, the odd feeling that brings you back to a certain moment of your life. I mean seeing someone next to you when you know they aren't really there! I mean seeing something which isn't right in front of you... That one feeling you cannot fully describe but know is around, still cannot explain it to anyone who wants to understand what you are going through.

I personally couldn't get away from the feeling when my friends from Europe came to Santa Barbara back in November 2017. That year wasn't easy for me, between searching a new place to stay, starting two jobs, juggling bars, and work, personal time as well as friend time. Editing a novel and trying to keep track of my blog. The list could go on but I believe you know where I'm going with it.
So when I see friends, meet people from Europe in California, I feel like "home" again, I feel like I'm with real people, real friends. I can't think of anything bad to say about them except my friends... They didn't stay as long I would have hoped so, as they do have their lives back in either London or Edinburgh. Yes, Britain and Scotland, far away land... Still "home" to me because as a European, I know that no matter where I go in Europe, I will feel like "home". Our views on life and what is respectable as a society is the same, we all can relate, our education, our role in society. In the States, everyone has a different perspective on life, different laws from state to state, so when someone from Europe come, they don't relate to anyone.

Point made, my ghostly feeling, at the moment is concerning my friends, the ones who left back home. Sounds pathetic and yet, I cannot help myself have this feeling. I cannot help myself think about every piece of memory I have with them. It's like a missing feeling.

Here are some thoughts about the feeling...

Material things become important!
I ain't-a material person, I wouldn't mind not having a bed (I've done it before, I have indeed slept on a mattress and nothing more, it works well enough), but when it comes to memories... There's a whole new story to write. I have a bench, a simple, bus bench along side of the main street of Santa Barbara. A simple bench that holds long nights talks, long conversations about everything and anything. Sounds like nothing to many of you, but when these conversations went deeper than just small talks, you become aware of everything, little as it may sound or look. Each time I pass by that bench, everything comes to mind, little or not.
A pack of cigarettes in my bag just to remind me of a certain thing...

Every sad song or movie coming up will be a reminder...
When we are sad, we tend to push ourselves closer to sad songs, dramatic movies, things that will make us cry. It's human of us, instead of watching a comedy or listening to happy songs, we just pull ourselves to everything sad, similar to what we are feeling at that moment.

You go to places and all the sudden you think of them...
I have two bars where I still see them around playing pool, drinking old fashions, or smoking cigarettes outside on the patio. I still see my friend getting along with my bartender, the one who hates everyone. Go figure, my bartender finally approved of one guy, and that same guy had to leave. Deep down I know he wasn't fully accepting him, the day he will accept a guy it will be snowy in downtown Santa Barbara.

Think about other people? Forget about it...
Not as easy to do when all you can think of is their voices in the background. Yes, when I'm around in my bar, I still look for a sign that they are around, still looking for another Guinness next to mine (despite the fact that some of my friends do drink the same thing I do). 

Not sure how to describe such a feeling without explaining my own experiences, my own thoughts on the subject. Not entirely sure how to express myself without pouring my feelings down, without crying on my keyboard, on the book which currently sits on my laps. You have to feel it yourself before understanding where I'm coming, but if you have indeed come across such a feeling, just know you are far from alone in this situation. Tricky situation. I know the pain of not putting words into my feelings, so if you are having issues with it, talk to someone! 


"Ghost
It happens. they forget the sound of your voice, the shape of
your eyes, and the curve of your smile. When you left, you
tried to leave traces of yourself behind. But your smell on their
sweater eventually fades, and your things in their drawers get
pushed to the back, and suddenly you aren't real anymore.
So you are replaced with someone who is. You are a ghost, a
shadow, only a memory. So much that you wonder if you even
existed to them at all." - Courtney Peppernell

~Bella

Top News! Big News!

Big news!

Let's start with the fact that I've got another job which adds to me having two separate jobs.  No, I don't count my writing as a job as I do not receive any financial advance on this, but it is a job as I do spend time on every article and my novel.
As normal as it sounds, I'm not used to having two separate jobs and I'm surely not used to the fact that I have to work long, long hours, non-stop.  Many of us have to get two jobs to survive in this city, and I needed to bow down to the expectation. One step at a time...

As it does take a lot more of my time, I don't have the same amount of time to write unless I write at night time, taking away my TV show or reading time. I can't just give up on these little "me" moments even though I write constantly, multitasking half the time.
I've decided to change my schedule around, post only twice a week starting in August. It will throw off my schedule around for sure, but I will make each post better, improve the contains.

This idea has been hanging on me for quite sometimes now but I wanted to begin next year, 2018. Sadly, I can't keep up with every post, and being overwhelmed by this new change had made me want to have some time off for my novel as well.

Big news on my part as I'm finally getting my life slightly together. Slightly! Not fully, but partially.
Don't think I've got everything figured out because I'm far from it. I have a roof over my head, food in order to survive, clothes for every day, my little evenings at the bar, and some "me" moments, but I still don't have a love life, financially...Let's not even begin, I'll have to stop spending money on books so much. And as my friends at the bar, I'm a 40 years of age woman in a body of 21 years old young lass. Seems like I don't have anything figured out except for my drinking... I'm laughing as I'm writing this because I'm supposed to be pouring down drinks and instead I'm drinking responsibly. I shouldn't be complaining as it is something I'm secretly proud of. 

Anyways, twice a week will be the limit, every Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Hopefully, each of my posts will keep you interested. 

"Bad news travels fast. Good news takes the scenic route." - Doug Larson

~Bella

Should we still do it?

As you already know, I've written a novel for the past two years and a half. One year of research and a few chapters; the second year was managing life and finding time to write the rest of the story.

I've been waiting for the day I would finish the first draft, and this day has come on May 19th, 2017.
On a Friday, before I started my shift, I ended up finishing writing my novel. An odd feeling came rush in as soon as I hit the last word, the sense of loss rushed in and I started feeling different emotions. I had finished a novel which I had come to get attached to the characters who felt more real than people around me. Then suddenly everything came to an end. In a split second, I felt my little imaginary world fall apart.

DO NOT get me wrong, I'm beyond excited about the fact that I finished writing over three hundred pages, but at the same time, I feel like my little world is over, poof into the wind. The world I would escape to has come to an end. Obviously, it's only my imagination, and maybe I shouldn't have let the novel be my escape world, but it's too late for that now! 

Two years and a half for a novel...
A long time to write a story, yes, but it's my very first time finishing something this big and time-consuming. I had written before but never took the courage to finish anything. So when I saw my novel finishing, I saw a part of my life ending. I had the sense of non-existence all the sudden. Melodramatic to say the least...

Two years and a half for a novel...
It may take a while to write especially when life gets in the way. When obstacles come along and keep you from thinking about the novel, the characters, you can't find time, and you are not inspired to even begin writing anything. I may have had two years and a half to complete a novel, but let's be honest, I didn't write every single day on the book. I had other writing, other things to do.

Two years and a half for a novel...
I did spend hours staring at a blank page, waiting for an idea to pop up. Spent hours looking at people passing by the coffee shop's window thinking about my characters. Spent a lot of time mumbling to myself, searching for the right word, phrase, thought. Spent a lot of moments looking up my ceiling for some inspiration, I eventually knew dust spot was on it.

Two years and a half for a novel...
Imaginary friends do exist! I can vouch for it, I can finally say that I had an "imaginary friend". I'm sure you've heard of writer's block before, right? Well, I can say that for a fact when you come across writer's block, it does feel like your imaginary friend is gone for good.

Today, I'm in the process of editing the story, the characters, the plot, the setting... I'm in the process of making my very first draft better, less repetitive, more interesting to the reader which to this day is me and my high school sophomore year history, teacher. 
I proved myself I could do anything I wanted if I took the patience and kept the determination going. For the first time in a long time, I believe I'm a good enough writer because, for the little editing I recently did, my writing has progressed a lot. My writing is slightly more mature than my first chapters, you can tell I was afraid of letting my imagination run wild. 
Despite my first draft finished, I know I have a long way to go before I see it in bookstores if in fact, makes it to the publication stage. 

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin 

~Bella

Welcoming the new year with such a big smile...

Happy Early New Year... 

Saturday is our last day of 2016... Such a terrible nightmare of a year it was for about almost everyone. We are all happy to know it's over soon! Hopefully, 2017 will be a better year, cause somehow without any doubt it was a quite inventful year!

The New Year, what a time to get all your projects on, start getting those specific goals set for the upcoming year! I know I've got my list already, in my head, but there are a few things that really needs to be done... Somehow these few things make a single goal...
Finish this novel of mine to end these ten years of constant pain, heal from these scars, make my mum proud. 

As many of you know already, I have been writing a novel, a fictional novel which consists of a family secret, mafia, and a young determined, stubborn young lady who is in search of the truth behind her mother's past. That past that no one ever mentioned! 

I've started this project about two years ago. The first year was mostly research, a lot of character development, and a lot of notes taken down as I was concentrating on read about Sicilian mafia or watching movies, documentaries. You may find it boring, I always thought it was entertaining and full of interest! The second year was an on and off writing course. Juggling family issues and trying to develop my novel; I'm talking as if this famous year is over... My novel isn't finished, I'm still writing chapters while writing articles for this blog. Talk to me about boring, I sound like a morbid already old person who doesn't live her life to the fullest. When I'm talking about all this, I sound insane about an unfinished story. No wonders why I'm single... 

A few people, who got interested in my novel, have asked me a ton of questions, where was the inspiration came from, why start writing about the Sicilian Mafia, what made you write in the first place... And the list goes on! 
I'm a writer just like my mother, it's in my genes, can't do anything about it. I've always kept a journal /diary since I can write, and today, I keep a blog, journal, and writing a book with another one on my mind. These questions make me think quite a lot, I never thought about them before being asked to answer. I usually respond briefly, not thinking much about it, but then, later on, they stab me in the back, hard. Why did I write, why did choose such an ending... 

Well, here's more details! 
Writing, for me, has always been a way to escape the real world just like reading, also a good reason why I'm such a bookworm! Writing has always helped me keep up with my thoughts, desires, wishes, my pain, breakups, and a lot more. So when I decided to write a novel, it was mostly to escape the reality that at the time was unbearable. I was going through a lot more than I could deal with and seized the opportunity to write a novel, which now sounds cool to some people. But, let's be honest, deep down, I started a novel, a fictional story based on real characters was to end my own story. To end what is now ten years of my life that I have to heal from, let go and move on. I took the chance of writing a fictional story based on me to help me realize how in pain I was. Don't judge that too quickly, I'm alright, honest, and I'm quite happy with life, but there's a part of me that has been hurt for a very long time, and I've always pushed the memories deep down inside instead of letting them go so I could move on. My back tattoo which is my quote in Italian, give me another reason why I needed to write a novel in the first place. "Writing is giving someone else an opportunity." It pretty much means that when someone writes a character based on a real person, the writer is giving an opportunity for that person to be a better one or just a monster, to give that real person the chance to become someone else, to re-live. 

Every writer has some issues, either it's family problems, breakups, anxiety, or even because they lost someone close, they write for a reason. And when people say writers are sad people who drink, it's not half way false, there's a part of truth behind it!
Writers are people who can sit in front of a blank page for hours, staring at it and think about the next adventure they will write. Writers will talk to their characters like they are real people. No matter who the writer is, whatever they write will have some part of the truth, part of experience behind the story, the plot, behind the characters. No matter what, writers always find a way to express themselves through stories just like a painter who take their anger out on canvas to express how they feel. 
So this new year, 2017, hopefully, will bring me to terms with some people, start new adventures with new exciting friends or even more... 

"Writers aren't people exactly. Or, if they're any good, they're a whole lot of people trying so hard to be one person." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

~Bella

Hit 100 posts:

Today marks a hundred post and I’m excited! I didn’t think I would keep writing every week on a schedule. I’m not going to say it was easy, it took a lot to keep track of every post, making sure I was doing good. A hundred… Not that much, when you think about it, but to me, it’s a little accomplishment.  For the very first time, I can say, “I’m proud of myself for not giving up on not so popular blog.”

Takes a lot to be able to continue writing even if you know that you aren’t making many audiences, but it’s what I love… Writing is what I love doing  so why to give up completely and not fight for my passion?! 

Hitting 100 posts is exciting! Can’t deny how happy I am to be able to say I actually keep a blog. 

Daily schedule? No, I keep a fixed schedule, indeed, but it’s not daily. I try my best to post every Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and sometimes once or twice during the weekend.

Where do you get your inspiration? I don’t really have a specific place, but I do love to go to a certain spot. My inspiration usually comes along when I’m busy doing something when I can’t write my thoughts down. Quite annoying if you ask me. Not my cup of tea!

Do you care if you aren’t getting anything out of it?  When I first thoughts weren’t, “It will be my source of income” or “ I will end up inspiring others.” It was about having a way to express myself through writing for others to read. I don’t care much about getting income out of it! It would be like a YouTuber, they get paid for posting videos, but initially it wasn’t about the money! 

How long do you plan on writing this blog? To be completely honest here… I haven’t thought about it. For now, the only preoccupation is to keep writing each week, keep that schedule going, maybe change the days if I have to, but for now the present first, the future later. Are you going to write another blog? I wanted to write another blog, but it’s already hard to keep track of one blog and doing so much at the same time so starting another blog sounds like too much at the moment. I do want to write more, get my ideas or just what I read on a separate blog though just not at the moment. It will take a bit, let’s get this blog going first, then we’ll talk about a next one! 

Are you currently writing other things? I am in fact writing more, finishing up a novel and started to jot some notes down for the next novel. 

Have you always knew you were into writing? I did not know I was into writing at all! I learned to read and write around five years of age, went back at school and got bored in class because I knew everything already so I was already loving writing and reading. I just never imagine about a blog or a novel. I don’t think you will hear many kids say “ I want to write books.”

Are you proud of what you are doing? I wouldn’t say “proud” but I’m impressed by the ability to keep writing every week! I’m slightly proud if you really want to use this word! 

Hopefully, I will keep writing more and hit another hundred, or three and that you are enjoying your reading time here. 

“Making others happy, interested and at the same time helping out in my own ways is all I ask for. If I can do that, I succeeded on at least one thing.”

~Bella