Ghostly Feelings

What do I mean by Ghostly Feelings?

I mean the little flashbacks, the memories, the odd feeling that brings you back to a certain moment of your life. I mean seeing someone next to you when you know they aren't really there! I mean seeing something which isn't right in front of you... That one feeling you cannot fully describe but know is around, still cannot explain it to anyone who wants to understand what you are going through.

I personally couldn't get away from the feeling when my friends from Europe came to Santa Barbara back in November 2017. That year wasn't easy for me, between searching a new place to stay, starting two jobs, juggling bars, and work, personal time as well as friend time. Editing a novel and trying to keep track of my blog. The list could go on but I believe you know where I'm going with it.
So when I see friends, meet people from Europe in California, I feel like "home" again, I feel like I'm with real people, real friends. I can't think of anything bad to say about them except my friends... They didn't stay as long I would have hoped so, as they do have their lives back in either London or Edinburgh. Yes, Britain and Scotland, far away land... Still "home" to me because as a European, I know that no matter where I go in Europe, I will feel like "home". Our views on life and what is respectable as a society is the same, we all can relate, our education, our role in society. In the States, everyone has a different perspective on life, different laws from state to state, so when someone from Europe come, they don't relate to anyone.

Point made, my ghostly feeling, at the moment is concerning my friends, the ones who left back home. Sounds pathetic and yet, I cannot help myself have this feeling. I cannot help myself think about every piece of memory I have with them. It's like a missing feeling.

Here are some thoughts about the feeling...

Material things become important!
I ain't-a material person, I wouldn't mind not having a bed (I've done it before, I have indeed slept on a mattress and nothing more, it works well enough), but when it comes to memories... There's a whole new story to write. I have a bench, a simple, bus bench along side of the main street of Santa Barbara. A simple bench that holds long nights talks, long conversations about everything and anything. Sounds like nothing to many of you, but when these conversations went deeper than just small talks, you become aware of everything, little as it may sound or look. Each time I pass by that bench, everything comes to mind, little or not.
A pack of cigarettes in my bag just to remind me of a certain thing...

Every sad song or movie coming up will be a reminder...
When we are sad, we tend to push ourselves closer to sad songs, dramatic movies, things that will make us cry. It's human of us, instead of watching a comedy or listening to happy songs, we just pull ourselves to everything sad, similar to what we are feeling at that moment.

You go to places and all the sudden you think of them...
I have two bars where I still see them around playing pool, drinking old fashions, or smoking cigarettes outside on the patio. I still see my friend getting along with my bartender, the one who hates everyone. Go figure, my bartender finally approved of one guy, and that same guy had to leave. Deep down I know he wasn't fully accepting him, the day he will accept a guy it will be snowy in downtown Santa Barbara.

Think about other people? Forget about it...
Not as easy to do when all you can think of is their voices in the background. Yes, when I'm around in my bar, I still look for a sign that they are around, still looking for another Guinness next to mine (despite the fact that some of my friends do drink the same thing I do). 

Not sure how to describe such a feeling without explaining my own experiences, my own thoughts on the subject. Not entirely sure how to express myself without pouring my feelings down, without crying on my keyboard, on the book which currently sits on my laps. You have to feel it yourself before understanding where I'm coming, but if you have indeed come across such a feeling, just know you are far from alone in this situation. Tricky situation. I know the pain of not putting words into my feelings, so if you are having issues with it, talk to someone! 


"Ghost
It happens. they forget the sound of your voice, the shape of
your eyes, and the curve of your smile. When you left, you
tried to leave traces of yourself behind. But your smell on their
sweater eventually fades, and your things in their drawers get
pushed to the back, and suddenly you aren't real anymore.
So you are replaced with someone who is. You are a ghost, a
shadow, only a memory. So much that you wonder if you even
existed to them at all." - Courtney Peppernell

~Bella

Does your family should matter? (9)

Are you in a serious relationship and your parents don't agree with the person you are dating?
Are your parents disagreeing on your love choices?

These situations do happen a lot more than what you can imagine. Parents know best, but do they try to control your love life, not letting you go live your life?
Parents do know what you may deserve but I believe we are entitled to choose our destiny, make our mistakes, learn from poor experiences.

Now, I understand you don't want to disappoint your parents, but I don't think you should just end your relationship because of their opinions on your partner.
Here are a few things that helped me get through a few awkward situations...

I. 
If you are in a serious relationship and you want your parents to meet the person, you are going to have to talk about them. Showing up to your parents with a new partner without talking about them may not be such a good idea and I suggest you stay on your guards. Do NOT complain to your parents about your partner, it will give them one more reason to dislike them. So positive details! 

II.
It's time to introduce your loved one to your dear parents. You may not feel comfortable doing so because you know exactly how your parents are, so why not staying away from certain conversations, and play board games to keep everyone occupied. 

III.
Let your parents see who your loved one is like, then listen to what they thought. Don't take anything too personal because parents always believe you will deserve much better. Listen to their advice, listen to what they have to say. Next thing you could do is agree with them as well as telling them your opinion. 

IV.
Understand your parents' role! They are here to protect you, and if they don't like your partner there must be a good reason why. Look at their point of view! 

V. 
Make sure you make compromises. If they have issues with the way they dress or speak, do a little effort making them more proper in order to make your parents appreciate the effort! 

Lastly, if your parents disagree on your relationship, your choice of partner, the only way you could change their beliefs is to talk. Communication fixes quite plenty, but you have to understand that if you wish to talk to one another, one must be ready to listen and try to comprehend what the other person says! It's not easy and arguments may end up coming your way... Remember though... You are the one in a relationship, if you make a mistake it's in your hands, not your parents, if you wishes to not listen to them, it's your responsibility!

"I want a relationship where they know of us, but nothing about us."

~Bella

Does your feelings should matter? (8)

"Feelings? "You ask?

Feelings are these emotional states which make you react a certain way. We all experience feelings at some point, every day we feel emotions, so why should feelings matter? Well here is my opinion on the subject! 

To me, when you are in a serious relationship, showing feelings, talking about them is as important as sex can be. Yes, many of you think that sex is the most important thing about relationships, as far as I see it, sex is just another reason to make a relationship grow. To my own belief, talking about what's going on with you is another important part which somehow falls off the grid half of the time.
When was the last time you talked to your partner about your feelings?
When was the last time you had a decent conversation about the feelings you are experiencing?

It is quite difficult to be open minded, to be comfortable enough with the other person, talk about sensitive subjects...

Talking about feelings is not a sign of weakness and it surely shouldn't give you a reason to be afraid of rejection! You are terrified of rejection, living alone, swallowing all these feelings because of phobias. Come on now, feelings aren't going to kill you, open up to the person you love and don't be afraid of talking. If they judge you, don't try to understand your feelings, they are most likely not the right person for you! Remember feelings do matter, anything could happen, but don't be fooled by your fears. 

While all relationships must be built around positivity, love, respect, and kindness, these emotions can go sideways quickly enough if both person doesn't let the other talk, listen, help. Anger, sadness, frustration and other emotions may give the chance for your partner to talk about the feelings, approach them, try to understand your concerns. It's intimacy and it's important in every relationship. If you let your fears, phobias take over, intimacy is nearly impossible and the chance of you opening up, letting your love go wild is thrown out the door. 

Holding up some feelings such as anger may result in a vicious cycle which could potentially lead to a possible breakup. 

As far as I'm concerned, you should be talking to your partner, talk about your feelings!

"I'm a simple person who hides a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile." 

~Bella

Insanity over love...

Have you ever felt like you were doing something insane because of someone? Or did something completely ridiculous to impress them?

Sometimes, it happens, you end up doing something completely crazy, odd. They are signs that mean you may have fallen in love! We all feel it, understand whenever we have fallen in love, but somehow at times, we are afraid of what the reality might be.

Being in love with someone means you have to take full on responsibility on the terrifying situations that may come along with it like jealousy. There are many things people may be afraid of, commitment, falling in love with the wrong person, not sure if you know if the other person likes you back...

So many questions may pop up, get you stressed... Even if you don't say "I love you" or tell them how you feel, there are pretty good chances that you fell in love unconsciously which sometimes isn't such a bad thing!

After seeing my friends, people back when I was still at school, or even my experiences, I picked up on little actions that we end up doing when we like someone.

- You have to check your phone every couple of minutes or even seconds in some cases. Not like you are whenever you are playing a game, it's more like a check up on knowing if you still have service, or if you haven't missed a call or text from the other person... Don't lie to yourself, you've done it!

- You can't stop thinking about them, everything reminds you of them! You went to see a movie at a certain place so now you've been seeing memories of it! Can't stop wishing they were there with you, sharing a moment!

- Can't seem to talk about anything else. Everything has to have their names in each phrase you say!

- Take everything wrong if your best friend says something negative about your crush! You will become upset!

- You have definitely turned the page on your ex-boyfriend.

- Boring stuff may not seem so boring anymore! You may be at CVS picking some medication and somehow it's nice!

- ADD becomes real! You can't seem to concentrate at work, school, interview!


All you have to know is that no matter what you may say, do or think. The biggest issue about not seeing that you may be in love is DENIAL! Not seeing the truth isn't what will get you somewhere!

"Denial is the beginning of the end."

~Bella

Love, the story, so much more...

How much can we do for love?
How far can we go for love?
What will we do for love?

When we talk about love, we automatically think about the rushing feeling, the butterflies in our stomachs, the idea of the perfect match, the perfect pair. We all know that love can make us blind, can make us believe in something unreal, half the time impossible. Love is a strong feeling, powerful enough to control our feelings, emotions, behaviors, actions!

I look back at my past relationships, the ones I hear about from friends or relatives and see that they always have one thing in common! We are controlled by the powerful sense of love. The idea that we can't be fulfilled without our other half. The idea that we are nothing without it. We even create a fake romance, a fake interest so we can please our desires.
Ask a friend who is in a serious relationship where that one may be talking about their partner every time, how far will they go for them? What would they do for them?
You will be surprised about the answers!
What I hear most the time, or what I said multiple times before is " I would do everything for them, take a bullet to save their lives. Hide a body to protect them, or even kill to revenge them if it came to this." These words are overly used. How many of us will be capable of such a thing? How many of us say it to prove a point? To make them realize that we do love them without any boundaries?
Are we serious?

Love is a controlling factor of plenty of our actions! 

Should we keep our love, what we feel inside so we don't have to go through this tough moment? Sadly, we don't keep it all inside, there is always a sweet word or a slight sweet action! 

A couple of days ago, I was talking to an old teacher of mine at my work. After telling him a little story about me leaving a note and my number to someone... Feel embarrassed about it! 
He told me I was a hopeless romantic. Is that a quality or annoying effort on my part? Bad new if you ask me!

A hopeless romantic, I can tell you that no matter how hard we try to hide our feelings, our deepest desires, there will always be something slipping through our hands! It's like when you are interested in someone, your feelings go overboard! You always try to see that person, always try to catch him! It's becoming a slight addiction. Rather annoying if you ask me! You get caught in feelings, into thoughts... Into a "dream", a vivid awake dream. You are dreaming with your eyes wide open. 

A hopeless romantic isn't addicted to one person but to the feeling, love itself. Each time a hopeless romantic go out in public, a part of us react, think that today is the day they will meet the person they will end up marrying. Sounds hopeless, but they aren't in control, I would know!
Somehow deep down a hopeless romantic know, it's not the day, but the hope is there!
Kissing is the 1st thing on the list, followed by cuddles and sex. When they are single, the first two are the ones that they miss the most. I personally miss the cuddles most of them all...

Hopeless romantics never stop loving the exes. No, don't think it's because they want to be back with them or because they have forgotten why the relationship didn't work out. It's simply because they don't want to let go of the feeling, the warmth, the sweet words or phrases, the little surprises, the love that the person gave the hopeless romantic! They miss these moments but don't worry, we don't hold on to these feelings forever if you are able to love us without boundaries, we will let go of these feelings, we will move on!


The hard part, sadly, the one I struggle with the most, deal with it almost every day is that my brain thinks a certain way while my heart another. Many of us struggle with this issue, most of us don't know what to do to stop it, so we listen to one instead of the other. A hopeless romantic like me will always listen to their heart. Somehow our heart doesn't care about what our brain might be thinking! Never does! 


So when we realize that we are controlled by "love" itself, our heart, and our brain aren't much in control anymore, we also realize how far we will go for the person we love! 

Love what a story, there will always be something to talk about! 

"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance." - Oscar Wilde

~Bella

Sorry, not a happy one...

I apologize but I don't know if I'm going to be writing much this week, I'll try to keep on posting things that I wrote in advance, though. 

You know when you think everything goes well, but then somehow everything crashes down, everything gets thrown out like nothing happened... It is a horrible feeling. It's an empty feeling which consumes you entirely without explanation. It kills you slowly, makes you cry like never before, and it makes you realize how stupid you are for believing something could be good, ever good enough. That throwing up feeling you get from anxiety and crying too much that keeps coming back without warning... 
I don't know how people go through so much heartbreak and still stand up, I can't move, frozen, numb and destroyed. Barely breathing under these giant tears that are running down my face. I don't even know how to explain myself, I'm so ... I don't know. 
It's like that song "Give Me Love" from Ed Sheeran, I just want to hold on, but just like the song, I can't have love, it's not possible! That song is just going to repeat itself for a while, a long time cause honestly I can't do anything right now. Cupid can give love to others, but can't receive it. Cupid can make others be happy, make them feel loved, but he can't get it for himself. 

Why are we ready to go through hell and back for someone who doesn't want that to happen and prefers to leave? Why do we keep suffering? What's the catch? Are we suppose to feel this pain forever? 
Funny thing is I'm actually realizing that I'm a complete mess, worse than ever before, I don't even know who I am anymore. I gave myself away and now it's over in an instant. Now I'm supposed to trust people? How can someone go through this? I applause them, if you can stand tall in this situation, you are brave and strong! All I'll be doing is drink up, cry, fall back into depression, watch 50 First Dates, and listen to the same sad song... No more sleep, no more eating.... 

If you are one of these people that manage to get through a painful situation without falling into a deep depression, I admire you! You are beyond courageous! You have a strong personality, the level of emotion is under your control, that's amazing! Mine are all over the place, completely out the door, 

Anyways, sorry about this short post, and a sad one! It wasn't expected at all. This week might be boring :/ I apologize. I don't know when I'll be posting happy ones as I am entirely off track. If you are in the same situation right now, please keep in mind that it won't happen all the time (hopefully), that next time keep these walls up, don't give in, sex can wait, and don't develop feelings at all. Or just don't fall in love at all! The pain is beyond unbearable. I can't tolerate at all, being dumped isn't fun. 

~ Bella