Ghostly Feelings

What do I mean by Ghostly Feelings?

I mean the little flashbacks, the memories, the odd feeling that brings you back to a certain moment of your life. I mean seeing someone next to you when you know they aren't really there! I mean seeing something which isn't right in front of you... That one feeling you cannot fully describe but know is around, still cannot explain it to anyone who wants to understand what you are going through.

I personally couldn't get away from the feeling when my friends from Europe came to Santa Barbara back in November 2017. That year wasn't easy for me, between searching a new place to stay, starting two jobs, juggling bars, and work, personal time as well as friend time. Editing a novel and trying to keep track of my blog. The list could go on but I believe you know where I'm going with it.
So when I see friends, meet people from Europe in California, I feel like "home" again, I feel like I'm with real people, real friends. I can't think of anything bad to say about them except my friends... They didn't stay as long I would have hoped so, as they do have their lives back in either London or Edinburgh. Yes, Britain and Scotland, far away land... Still "home" to me because as a European, I know that no matter where I go in Europe, I will feel like "home". Our views on life and what is respectable as a society is the same, we all can relate, our education, our role in society. In the States, everyone has a different perspective on life, different laws from state to state, so when someone from Europe come, they don't relate to anyone.

Point made, my ghostly feeling, at the moment is concerning my friends, the ones who left back home. Sounds pathetic and yet, I cannot help myself have this feeling. I cannot help myself think about every piece of memory I have with them. It's like a missing feeling.

Here are some thoughts about the feeling...

Material things become important!
I ain't-a material person, I wouldn't mind not having a bed (I've done it before, I have indeed slept on a mattress and nothing more, it works well enough), but when it comes to memories... There's a whole new story to write. I have a bench, a simple, bus bench along side of the main street of Santa Barbara. A simple bench that holds long nights talks, long conversations about everything and anything. Sounds like nothing to many of you, but when these conversations went deeper than just small talks, you become aware of everything, little as it may sound or look. Each time I pass by that bench, everything comes to mind, little or not.
A pack of cigarettes in my bag just to remind me of a certain thing...

Every sad song or movie coming up will be a reminder...
When we are sad, we tend to push ourselves closer to sad songs, dramatic movies, things that will make us cry. It's human of us, instead of watching a comedy or listening to happy songs, we just pull ourselves to everything sad, similar to what we are feeling at that moment.

You go to places and all the sudden you think of them...
I have two bars where I still see them around playing pool, drinking old fashions, or smoking cigarettes outside on the patio. I still see my friend getting along with my bartender, the one who hates everyone. Go figure, my bartender finally approved of one guy, and that same guy had to leave. Deep down I know he wasn't fully accepting him, the day he will accept a guy it will be snowy in downtown Santa Barbara.

Think about other people? Forget about it...
Not as easy to do when all you can think of is their voices in the background. Yes, when I'm around in my bar, I still look for a sign that they are around, still looking for another Guinness next to mine (despite the fact that some of my friends do drink the same thing I do). 

Not sure how to describe such a feeling without explaining my own experiences, my own thoughts on the subject. Not entirely sure how to express myself without pouring my feelings down, without crying on my keyboard, on the book which currently sits on my laps. You have to feel it yourself before understanding where I'm coming, but if you have indeed come across such a feeling, just know you are far from alone in this situation. Tricky situation. I know the pain of not putting words into my feelings, so if you are having issues with it, talk to someone! 


"Ghost
It happens. they forget the sound of your voice, the shape of
your eyes, and the curve of your smile. When you left, you
tried to leave traces of yourself behind. But your smell on their
sweater eventually fades, and your things in their drawers get
pushed to the back, and suddenly you aren't real anymore.
So you are replaced with someone who is. You are a ghost, a
shadow, only a memory. So much that you wonder if you even
existed to them at all." - Courtney Peppernell

~Bella