Little by little...

Apologizes to everyone for not blogging for two weeks... Two busy weeks which turned into a living nightmare when I got to meet new people. Nightmare wouldn't be the best word to describe it as I was the happiest person on Earth at the time...

Meeting new people could be terrifying, awfully terrifying.

Not too long ago, I had to meet new people, talk to them, drink and eat with them... Not in a million years, I would have imagined myself getting interested in knowing more about a family, and yet, I got interested.
Not in a million years, I would have thought about getting involved in such a complex story... And yet, here I am getting myself attached! 

Complexity should be my middle name, each time, I try to put myself out there, be there for certain people, something stupidly emerge from the shadows to destroy what I try my hardest to do or not do.

I strongly believe it's part of that curse, the one I talked about a few articles ago.

Meeting these new people made me realize how much I was homesick. Homesick for Europe, the food, the conversations, the jokes, the drinks, the pubs, the people, everything... Homesick ...

Despite the fact that I've been living in California for over 9 years, I don't feel like home, not fully. I feel out of place half the time, even though I enjoy lots of things around the beautiful city I live in, it's not the same. It's not me. Not my culture, my view on life, my ways of saying or doing things... I even try to stop my accent from ruining my day, afraid to have someone ask me to repeat many many times what I just said.
I don't believe I've been this homesick for a while, nor ever before. I always contained the feelings which would rush in, unexpectedly. But now, more than ever before, I miss everything, the people mostly, but everything in general. And being around Europeans is far from helping. How can I not miss where I'm from? I feel like I'm myself when I'm around Europeans, no more restrictions, no more stupidity... I can say whatever I wish and no one argues or diminishes me. It's fantastic but being homesick is far from being a nice, warm feeling.

When you are living in a country that isn't yours, that doesn't feel like you belong there, the ties you once had with your hometown becomes stronger. You start missing everything, little by little.

I wouldn't write about the subject if I wasn't crying my eyes out. Sounds pathetic when I say it this way, but I can't just lie about what's going on. Since Monday the 27th, everyone I met before Thanksgiving left back to their countries, leaving me to my thoughts. These horrible, one-way thoughts. The ones who try very hard to make you move away from the city you are currently living in. Don't pretend like you've never had a strange feeling of just leaving everything behind to start all over again? Or else I look insane... Cause that is what I want to do right this moment. 

Don't believe I have no friends around, I do, but it's not the same, not the people I feel like I can call "home" in a way. I'm quite lucky to have certain people in my life such as my good friend T... I don't know what I would do without her, we are kind of like an old couple at times, but that makes us be special in certain ways. I love it and I would hate myself for leaving in such a hurry without her. However, I wasn't born and raised in California or the USA. I was raised in Europe, born there, and my mentality is full on European. I have more enemies than friends, I say whatever comes to my head and even though I believe America has many opportunities, I still don't understand half of what Californians do (not even close to understanding).  

Even with many reasons behind me, supporting me on staying in California, a part of me just says, "Leave the place, you are far from being happy. Move away, start again, meet new people and create a new life where you can build something happy for yourself." 
Sounds amazing, leaving behind the past, the pain, the rumors, the hate, people who prefer to hate you instead of understanding you. Sounds fantastic and yet... 

I don't belong in this country, but how am I going to move away? Should I leave without thinking of the future first? Should I just wait and see if I meet the right person where I am at the moment? Should I just forget everything and everyone and do my own thing, wishing it will be the best decision? 

So many questions, and no answer...

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."

~Bella

One last Autumn...

Autumn Journal

September has come and I wake

And I think with joy how whatever, now or in the future, 

the system

Nothing whatever can take

The people away, there will always be people

For friends or for lovers though perhaps

The conditions of love will be changed and its vices

diminished

And affection not lapse

To narrow possessiveness, jealousy founded on vanity. 

September has come, it is hers

Whose vitality leaps in the autumn, 

Whose nature prefers

Trees without leaves and a fire in the fireplace;

So I give her this month and the next

Though the whole of my years should be hers who has

rendered already

So many of its days intolerable or perplexed

But so many more so happy;

Who has left a scent on my life and left my walls

Dancing hair is twined in all my waterfalls

And all of London littered with remembered kisses. 

So I am glad

That life contains her with her moods and moments

More shifting and more transient than I had 

Yet thought of as being integral to beauty;

Whose mind is like the wind on a sea of wheat, 

Whose eyes are candour, 

And assurance in her feet

Like a homing pigeon never by doubt diverted. 

To whom I send my thanks

That the air has become shot silk, the streets are music, 

And that the ranks

Of men are ranks of men, no more of cyphers.

So that if now alone

I must pursue this life, it will not be only 

A drag from numbered stone to numbered stone

But a ladder of angels, river turning tidal. 

Off-hand, at times hysterical, abrupt, 

You are one I shall always remember, 

Whom cant can never corrupt

Not argument disinherit. 

Frivolous, always in a hurry, forgetting the address, 

Frowning too often, taking enormous notice

Of hats and backchat- how could I assess

The thing that makes you different?

You whom I remember glad or tired, 

Smiling in drink or scintillating anger, 

Inopportunely desired

On boats, on trains, on roads when walking. 

Sometimes untidy, often elegant, 

So easily hurt, so readily responsive, 

To whom a trifle could be an irritant 

Or could be balm and manna.

Whose words would tumble over each other and pelt

From pure excitement,

Whose fingers curl and melt

When you were friendly.

I shall remember you in bed with bright

Eyes or in a cafe stirring coffee

Abstractedly and on your plate the white

Smoking stub your lips had touched with crimson. 

And I shall remember how your words could hurt

Because they were so honest

And even your lies were able to assert

Integrity of purpose. 

And it is on the strength of knowing you

I reckon generous feeling more important 

Than the mere deliberating what to do 

When neither the pros nor cons affect the pulses. 

And though I have suffered from your special responses, 

I should be proud if I could evolve at length

An equal thrust and pattern. 

- Louis MacNeice

Oh, genius...

I turned 21 years of age in July of 2017, this year, not long ago and yet, it feels like it was an eternity ago. Since July, either I've been going to both my favourite bars or recently one more, the one I disliked on my birthday. It ain't that bad when you know people who work there. 

Each bar I go to is quite unique, different from one another which makes it difficult to only choose one. Everyone knows each other, and you become familiar to people who work at each place. Even become friend with a few. Get phone numbers and an amazing time cause despite what people say, some people are actually quite interesting.  
What I do best is people watch, analyze whoever I fancy, who attracts my eyes. 
As a writer, I take my ideas from daily life, from people I watch at bars, from work ( thank you to a number of stupid customers I have to deal with). And most of the time, I get disappointed by how idiotic people can act.  It's just painful to see how people react and when they open their mouths, what comes out is the trash... 

What I found amusing is the fact that people don't know how to drink and be themselves. It's one of the differences I have with many of them. I'm not going to pretend anything, say what the other person wants to hear, and usually, I make more enemies than friends. It doesn't stop me from being myself though... And it seems like I'm appreciated for it. 
For example, I was sitting at the bar eating some fries and talking to my friend who was working in front of me.  A young woman in her late twenties was standing beside me with a tall guy in his mid-thirties on the other side. They were conversing quite loud so I couldn't help but hear the conversation even though it was rather boring in my opinion. I kept wondering what these two had in common... So I kept listening, wondering, analyzing the best I could. He was barely paying attention to her as his eyes wandered around the room a little too much, staring at women across the room. She kept continuing with her speech which wasn't interesting at all. 
When someone doesn't seem interested you either stop talking or change the subject. It wasn't the case in this situation. 

Then I looked again at both of them, he was tall, fit, well dressed while she looked basic, a lot of makeup, mini dress where we could have seen everything if she bent down. Either she is the easy girl who wants to marry a rich husband, or she is the opposite, a little too serious and thought she would have an enjoyable time by dressing so poorly. Either way, it was funny to watch. 
Another example which I see quite often between one person to the next is the " same thing" type of person. This time, a guy was sitting behind me with a young woman, both drinking vodka mules, probably on a date, and both seem like they were enjoying themselves. Throughout the hour they were sitting at the table, their conversation was more than ordinary, nothing alarming except one slight detail... Everything they had to say to each other was " same with me" or " I can't believe you listen to them as well". 

Don't get me wrong, many of us have similarities but to have everything in common is quite rare. Don't you want to be unique? Be liked for who you are and not because you have common grounds with the other person? Neither of them showed their real personalities which made me wonder if a relationship which starts like this one ever go far. 
I might not show much enthusiasm when sitting at the bar, drinking, but I'm far from being fake. I don't hide who I am, why would I? Where will it lead me? So at the end, not many will talk to me, not many will show their interest in me, but I will have shown what a genuine person looks like.

"It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone." -Hans F Hansen

~Bella