Christmas is approaching faster than expected and I'm beyond EXCITED!
As you may already know, Christmas is my favourite holiday (it hasn't come close to my favourite time of the year though, the first day of Autumn), and feeling jolly is quite a perk during December!
Between the movies and the songs that have been playing on my laptop, phone or even outside in the streets, I've been even more homesick than usual. You cannot imagine how much I want to be in Ireland at this moment, being able to breathe fresh air (somehow the air isn't the same in France), drink my tea with a full creamy, perfect milk and being able to order a pint of Guinness knowing it's going to be amazingly delicious... Sounds horrid, pathetic, nonetheless all that, I managed to get a few things to cheer me up, it is Christmas time after all. Everyone should be happy!
First off... A friend of mine got a tiny Christmas Tree, called him Norbert (don't ask why that name, I don't know myself... He just decided Norbert was a good idea which is entirely debatable). We couldn't get a tree at my place, my friend isn't into Christmas and we live with a cat that would have destroyed the tree no matter what. So I got a tree at my friend's place, good thing I go there enough to see it!
Then... We've got the homesick feeling that is back. I want to be back in Ireland, badly, and I can't. A friend back home was asking when I was coming back, not knowing what to tell him made me feel awful. Also a big part of why I'm so homesick these past few days. I paused the Christmas films and decided to get back on Irish TV... Laugh at me all you want but you've got to understand that Irish TV for me is pretty much, friends hanging around on the couch, drinking tea, eating cookies or crips, and watching programmes such as Gogglebox or the Naked Attraction which are both British programmes. I mean it's funny and I missed watching it in the evening when we had a long day of work. For a few days now, all I've been watching is Gogglebox and there are about twelve seasons so I'm caught up for a while which makes me happy.
Next stop...I've been cooking again, and this time without red wine to distract me. I usually drink while cooking, either a beer or red wine just to keep me going. A way to enjoy cooking to the fullest. Made this simple spinach, artichoke and chicken recipe, it was delicious, didn't last two days like I anticipated, let's blame my dear friend who I live with...
Christmas has been good, too much shopping for others but I don't regret one bit! Cool presents are going to be given and I'm proud of it.
This time... I'm mostly looking forward to the new year which will be coming after Christmas Day. Getting a fresh new start sounds wonderful especially after this year. Not sure why 2017 and 2018 were terrible years between fires, mudslides, deaths, my health going bad, a dream coming to an end, and so on. I just want the year to be over so I can look forward to the next Christmas and this time... I'll be preparing my list of presents a bit earlier! No offence to the late buyers who loves the rush but I hate to not have my gifts on time!
Enjoy your Christmas and family if you are with them. I know I'll be spending it with my friend, drinking...
~Bella
Showing posts with label homesick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homesick. Show all posts
Monday, 17 December 2018
Sunday, 25 November 2018
Coming back to Europe
What a few months I had... But I'm back in Europe, tired but I'm "home" after over nine years.
I could start with the good that is happening but that may lead to a novel just like stating all the negatives and I don't feel like writing too much about it. So I thought it would be an eye-opening for some people if I talked about how it is to be in my early twenties, living in France and how financially, relationship wise, and how my view of certain things have changed over the course of a few months. I'm positive that many young people have either experienced or are experiencing my current situation. And to be fairly honest, it's always needed to hear that we aren't alone in a current matter. We never are!
I'm in France, living with my friend and her housemate with a cat, needy, cuddly cat. Close enough to about everything, and despite my "I don't want to get out", I still go out on occasions (mostly grocery shopping or the rare drinking at the pub nights). Great location, enough space, and I'm free to do as I wish which is always a little plus!
France wasn't my first choice, my choice at all, but a needed one. I don't regret it but the homesick feeling, the simpler life back in Ireland is missed, greatly missed. Between the people, the drinks, and the little towns where everything is easy to get to is missed. I'm not saying France doesn't have little towns, but I just miss the feeling of home. But right now, I'm in France and I have my own choices to make!
First, my living situation! Either I stay in France, look for a cheap apartment close to downtown, to everything, or I try to move back to Ireland. Sounds simple, I mean obviously I would pick Ireland, but is it in my best interest at this current moment or should I wait until I have a lot more money? This leads to number two...
Second, financially... I'm in my early 20's, meaning saving up money is nearly impossible especially in my case. Coming from California, you have to realize that you cannot save up any money because rent is above expensive and the living accommodations aren't always cheap either (groceries, bills...)
I already got it bad by living in California and spending money on rent, but when you start living around, try to please yourself with little things, or buy people things, it could end up being a nightmare. A real nightmare. Money goes away faster than it comes in... So right now, living at my friends, helping out with rent could be the best solution, for the time being. It's not like I don't have a job, I do have one and I'm sure I'll get a better pay soon enough. But by living in France, I kind of want my own little studio or one bedroom apartment. A way to have people over without worrying if it's going bother anyone not that it will... This lead to number three...
Third, relationships... I mean friendship as well... Any relationship is very complex at the moment and I believe it's my fault. Care too much, make mistakes, say whatever I think maybe at the wrong time, and instead of explaining things I just ignore and leave. Somehow I managed to have low energy in this category. Don't feel like meeting new people, don't feel like rebuilding. It's hard to trust again, and when I think I did with someone, I had to mess things up. Doesn't seem like it matters much if it was a friend or more than a friend. I will mess everything up. Talk about having a power, I believe I just discovered mine, the destructor. Coming back to France made me think a lot about friends, how I'm supposed to speak to EVERYONE in French even though it is a pain at times, I'm more comfortable in English. It feels more like I'm closing myself, completely, shutting myself off, slowly but surely.
They say, "You are young, you've got your whole life ahead of you..." but expect you to have it figured out. Make important decisions and expect you to follow through without issues. I'm young, yes, I ain't denying it, but I never truly felt that young, preferring to make my own decisions, making tons of mistakes. But this time, I'm tired, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to be an adult without assistance, without a support, an aid. And shutting yourself isn't a solution, I know it's not and yet it's exactly what I'm doing. Funny thing is I'm the one who should listen to my own advice, look myself in the mirror and tell myself how everything will be okay.
Do we ever take our own advice?
For people who have been asking me when I'm coming back to California, I'm not going back. Stop asking, there's no reason for me to go back.
For the people who keep asking me what's my plan... I don't know, I still haven't figured it out yet, and I don't believe I will anytime soon. Give me a good reason to stay in France? Give me some reason to go back home to Ireland? Give me some advice maybe you'll be helping me see things through instead of trying to force something that isn't coming.
If you are in a similar situation, don't take any advice from people who only want to be selfish. Listen to yourself as well, make mistakes, learn from them, and be smile because it's not the end just yet... It's only the beginning!
~Bella
I could start with the good that is happening but that may lead to a novel just like stating all the negatives and I don't feel like writing too much about it. So I thought it would be an eye-opening for some people if I talked about how it is to be in my early twenties, living in France and how financially, relationship wise, and how my view of certain things have changed over the course of a few months. I'm positive that many young people have either experienced or are experiencing my current situation. And to be fairly honest, it's always needed to hear that we aren't alone in a current matter. We never are!
I'm in France, living with my friend and her housemate with a cat, needy, cuddly cat. Close enough to about everything, and despite my "I don't want to get out", I still go out on occasions (mostly grocery shopping or the rare drinking at the pub nights). Great location, enough space, and I'm free to do as I wish which is always a little plus!
France wasn't my first choice, my choice at all, but a needed one. I don't regret it but the homesick feeling, the simpler life back in Ireland is missed, greatly missed. Between the people, the drinks, and the little towns where everything is easy to get to is missed. I'm not saying France doesn't have little towns, but I just miss the feeling of home. But right now, I'm in France and I have my own choices to make!
First, my living situation! Either I stay in France, look for a cheap apartment close to downtown, to everything, or I try to move back to Ireland. Sounds simple, I mean obviously I would pick Ireland, but is it in my best interest at this current moment or should I wait until I have a lot more money? This leads to number two...
Second, financially... I'm in my early 20's, meaning saving up money is nearly impossible especially in my case. Coming from California, you have to realize that you cannot save up any money because rent is above expensive and the living accommodations aren't always cheap either (groceries, bills...)
I already got it bad by living in California and spending money on rent, but when you start living around, try to please yourself with little things, or buy people things, it could end up being a nightmare. A real nightmare. Money goes away faster than it comes in... So right now, living at my friends, helping out with rent could be the best solution, for the time being. It's not like I don't have a job, I do have one and I'm sure I'll get a better pay soon enough. But by living in France, I kind of want my own little studio or one bedroom apartment. A way to have people over without worrying if it's going bother anyone not that it will... This lead to number three...
Third, relationships... I mean friendship as well... Any relationship is very complex at the moment and I believe it's my fault. Care too much, make mistakes, say whatever I think maybe at the wrong time, and instead of explaining things I just ignore and leave. Somehow I managed to have low energy in this category. Don't feel like meeting new people, don't feel like rebuilding. It's hard to trust again, and when I think I did with someone, I had to mess things up. Doesn't seem like it matters much if it was a friend or more than a friend. I will mess everything up. Talk about having a power, I believe I just discovered mine, the destructor. Coming back to France made me think a lot about friends, how I'm supposed to speak to EVERYONE in French even though it is a pain at times, I'm more comfortable in English. It feels more like I'm closing myself, completely, shutting myself off, slowly but surely.
They say, "You are young, you've got your whole life ahead of you..." but expect you to have it figured out. Make important decisions and expect you to follow through without issues. I'm young, yes, I ain't denying it, but I never truly felt that young, preferring to make my own decisions, making tons of mistakes. But this time, I'm tired, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to be an adult without assistance, without a support, an aid. And shutting yourself isn't a solution, I know it's not and yet it's exactly what I'm doing. Funny thing is I'm the one who should listen to my own advice, look myself in the mirror and tell myself how everything will be okay.
Do we ever take our own advice?
For people who have been asking me when I'm coming back to California, I'm not going back. Stop asking, there's no reason for me to go back.
For the people who keep asking me what's my plan... I don't know, I still haven't figured it out yet, and I don't believe I will anytime soon. Give me a good reason to stay in France? Give me some reason to go back home to Ireland? Give me some advice maybe you'll be helping me see things through instead of trying to force something that isn't coming.
If you are in a similar situation, don't take any advice from people who only want to be selfish. Listen to yourself as well, make mistakes, learn from them, and be smile because it's not the end just yet... It's only the beginning!
~Bella
Wednesday, 29 November 2017
Little by little...
Apologizes to everyone for not blogging for two weeks... Two busy weeks which turned into a living nightmare when I got to meet new people. Nightmare wouldn't be the best word to describe it as I was the happiest person on Earth at the time...
Meeting new people could be terrifying, awfully terrifying.
Not too long ago, I had to meet new people, talk to them, drink and eat with them... Not in a million years, I would have imagined myself getting interested in knowing more about a family, and yet, I got interested.
Not in a million years, I would have thought about getting involved in such a complex story... And yet, here I am getting myself attached!
Complexity should be my middle name, each time, I try to put myself out there, be there for certain people, something stupidly emerge from the shadows to destroy what I try my hardest to do or not do.
I strongly believe it's part of that curse, the one I talked about a few articles ago.
Meeting these new people made me realize how much I was homesick. Homesick for Europe, the food, the conversations, the jokes, the drinks, the pubs, the people, everything... Homesick ...
Despite the fact that I've been living in California for over 9 years, I don't feel like home, not fully. I feel out of place half the time, even though I enjoy lots of things around the beautiful city I live in, it's not the same. It's not me. Not my culture, my view on life, my ways of saying or doing things... I even try to stop my accent from ruining my day, afraid to have someone ask me to repeat many many times what I just said.
I don't believe I've been this homesick for a while, nor ever before. I always contained the feelings which would rush in, unexpectedly. But now, more than ever before, I miss everything, the people mostly, but everything in general. And being around Europeans is far from helping. How can I not miss where I'm from? I feel like I'm myself when I'm around Europeans, no more restrictions, no more stupidity... I can say whatever I wish and no one argues or diminishes me. It's fantastic but being homesick is far from being a nice, warm feeling.
When you are living in a country that isn't yours, that doesn't feel like you belong there, the ties you once had with your hometown becomes stronger. You start missing everything, little by little.
I wouldn't write about the subject if I wasn't crying my eyes out. Sounds pathetic when I say it this way, but I can't just lie about what's going on. Since Monday the 27th, everyone I met before Thanksgiving left back to their countries, leaving me to my thoughts. These horrible, one-way thoughts. The ones who try very hard to make you move away from the city you are currently living in. Don't pretend like you've never had a strange feeling of just leaving everything behind to start all over again? Or else I look insane... Cause that is what I want to do right this moment.
Don't believe I have no friends around, I do, but it's not the same, not the people I feel like I can call "home" in a way. I'm quite lucky to have certain people in my life such as my good friend T... I don't know what I would do without her, we are kind of like an old couple at times, but that makes us be special in certain ways. I love it and I would hate myself for leaving in such a hurry without her. However, I wasn't born and raised in California or the USA. I was raised in Europe, born there, and my mentality is full on European. I have more enemies than friends, I say whatever comes to my head and even though I believe America has many opportunities, I still don't understand half of what Californians do (not even close to understanding).
Even with many reasons behind me, supporting me on staying in California, a part of me just says, "Leave the place, you are far from being happy. Move away, start again, meet new people and create a new life where you can build something happy for yourself."
Sounds amazing, leaving behind the past, the pain, the rumors, the hate, people who prefer to hate you instead of understanding you. Sounds fantastic and yet...
I don't belong in this country, but how am I going to move away? Should I leave without thinking of the future first? Should I just wait and see if I meet the right person where I am at the moment? Should I just forget everything and everyone and do my own thing, wishing it will be the best decision?
So many questions, and no answer...
"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."
~Bella
Meeting new people could be terrifying, awfully terrifying.
Not too long ago, I had to meet new people, talk to them, drink and eat with them... Not in a million years, I would have imagined myself getting interested in knowing more about a family, and yet, I got interested.
Not in a million years, I would have thought about getting involved in such a complex story... And yet, here I am getting myself attached!
Complexity should be my middle name, each time, I try to put myself out there, be there for certain people, something stupidly emerge from the shadows to destroy what I try my hardest to do or not do.
I strongly believe it's part of that curse, the one I talked about a few articles ago.
Meeting these new people made me realize how much I was homesick. Homesick for Europe, the food, the conversations, the jokes, the drinks, the pubs, the people, everything... Homesick ...
Despite the fact that I've been living in California for over 9 years, I don't feel like home, not fully. I feel out of place half the time, even though I enjoy lots of things around the beautiful city I live in, it's not the same. It's not me. Not my culture, my view on life, my ways of saying or doing things... I even try to stop my accent from ruining my day, afraid to have someone ask me to repeat many many times what I just said.
I don't believe I've been this homesick for a while, nor ever before. I always contained the feelings which would rush in, unexpectedly. But now, more than ever before, I miss everything, the people mostly, but everything in general. And being around Europeans is far from helping. How can I not miss where I'm from? I feel like I'm myself when I'm around Europeans, no more restrictions, no more stupidity... I can say whatever I wish and no one argues or diminishes me. It's fantastic but being homesick is far from being a nice, warm feeling.
When you are living in a country that isn't yours, that doesn't feel like you belong there, the ties you once had with your hometown becomes stronger. You start missing everything, little by little.
I wouldn't write about the subject if I wasn't crying my eyes out. Sounds pathetic when I say it this way, but I can't just lie about what's going on. Since Monday the 27th, everyone I met before Thanksgiving left back to their countries, leaving me to my thoughts. These horrible, one-way thoughts. The ones who try very hard to make you move away from the city you are currently living in. Don't pretend like you've never had a strange feeling of just leaving everything behind to start all over again? Or else I look insane... Cause that is what I want to do right this moment.
Don't believe I have no friends around, I do, but it's not the same, not the people I feel like I can call "home" in a way. I'm quite lucky to have certain people in my life such as my good friend T... I don't know what I would do without her, we are kind of like an old couple at times, but that makes us be special in certain ways. I love it and I would hate myself for leaving in such a hurry without her. However, I wasn't born and raised in California or the USA. I was raised in Europe, born there, and my mentality is full on European. I have more enemies than friends, I say whatever comes to my head and even though I believe America has many opportunities, I still don't understand half of what Californians do (not even close to understanding).
Even with many reasons behind me, supporting me on staying in California, a part of me just says, "Leave the place, you are far from being happy. Move away, start again, meet new people and create a new life where you can build something happy for yourself."
Sounds amazing, leaving behind the past, the pain, the rumors, the hate, people who prefer to hate you instead of understanding you. Sounds fantastic and yet...
I don't belong in this country, but how am I going to move away? Should I leave without thinking of the future first? Should I just wait and see if I meet the right person where I am at the moment? Should I just forget everything and everyone and do my own thing, wishing it will be the best decision?
So many questions, and no answer...
"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."
~Bella
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