Open or close...

I'm going to start by saying it never happened to me and may not happen anytime soon. This is what I had to hear from a friend, which I consider a close friend! Not my story but his, in a sort of way.

"Bella, you are not supposed to be in this generation. You are too much of an old soul, a beautiful simple pure love type of woman. Too much of a hopeless romantic." Confessed my best friend in Italy a few months ago.

Can't deny my hopeless romantic side, guess that means I'll stay single for a while!

So as I was saying this is a short fact about a friend of mine who I would have never believed it happened to him. Especially him. Not my best friend from Italy, he is like my clone when it comes to love. But another friend, one I care deeply about.

As we were conversing, he had to mention that his best relationship was an opened one. (I don't know how would you react, but I kind of had a shock attack, not believing what I was reading.) Quite the big news when he has said he's the hopeless romantic type of guy. I felt like he had been lying to me all this time and trust me I got broken into millions of pieces, shattered because I just couldn't have imagined this of him.
Don't think I started judging him, I didn't, it may have come out that way, but I can't judge something or someone when I have no experience when it comes to this particular type of relationship. Cause let's be honest it's a tricky relationship. Not something I'm into, or interested in experience it. Not my thing! After all, he is a friend, and I cannot judge his beliefs, I don't have to agree with him which I didn't and try to understand which I tried my hardest to. Probably failing at it on the way.

I couldn't talk to him naturally, couldn't stop having the same thought ' my friend saying he is loyal yet sleeping around.' Even if it was agreed with his girlfriend at the time, it isn't something I expected from him.
I can't lie and say I moved on, forgetting about this shocking news, I couldn't. My curiosity got the best of me. I asked about it. He simply answered without trying to detail anything to me, staying positive, fearless of my opinion, which I believe changed as soon as he saw I wasn't alright with it.

We discussed the situation in a simple way, I tried to keep an open mind, trying to stay away from argumentative talks.
He simply explained how being in an open relationship made him feel like he was free to do as he wished. Being in bars and not worrying about flirting or talking to girls around. He felt like it was easier to talk to the girlfriend, no secrets, honesty, and trust. Plus the bonus, the cherry on top, threesomes or Ménage à Trois if you know what I mean.

Simple answer right? A very quick answer to why he thought it was his best. Barely any drama, trust, honesty and mutual respect. They would come back to one another for love and companionship, and the others were just sexual pleasures, one night stands, fun nights.
Reading this answer made me feel sick in my stomach " a hopeless romantic"... Please give me something to make me believe that. Trying to understand where he was coming from was much more difficult than I anticipated. Sharing your partner with others, free to flirt with whoever, sleep around even if it's meaningless sex. It is quite different from what I could imagine coming from a hopeless romantic but then again... I can't judge!
But then he did say the downside of things. It is hard when a few things come into play.

Being in an open relationship is far from being easy as some would think. When two people agree to stay as a couple but still have the freedom to sleep with others, they both have to know how to trust and stay away from jealousy. When jealousy comes to play, "Oh, but you have more partners than me" or " I can't have you sleep around, I can't share", the relationship becomes harder! Then you have the lack of trust, faith in your partner, the fear of losing them completely, fear they will start loving others. So when you are in an open relationship, it could come up as harder than a "closed relationship."
That said, let me repeat myself, I'm not trying to judge anyone who agrees to have open relationships. My friend had reasons on why he went into one. 

If you want to have an open relationship with someone, please do yourself a favour and check, talk to your partner a lot, get everything straight. 

This little fact might have come to a surprise, but at the end of the day, I can't just ignore my friend, judge him! It doesn't define him, it shaped him as a human being, but it's not the entire him. Yes, he had an open relationship before, but he is still the same old person I've got to know over time and I'm proud to be a part of his life. 
When you think of the whole story, he might have not detailed anything or explained much at first, took his time to tell me the background, but at the end, the full story showed up, explaining everything. I may not be the best person like the one he once loved, but...  I'm lucky in many ways... 

"Never judge a book by its cover just like don't judge a person by its appearance."

~Bella

Psych 101... PERSONALITY... What makes you... You?

When discussing personality, psychologists look at the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that an individual has that make him or her unique- also known as a "mental system." Personality is individualized, and, for the most part, it will remain consistent throughout an individual's life. While there are many interpretations as to what constitutes personality, several key characteristics are

generally accepted in the field of study:

• In general, there is a consistency and noticeable order to behavior. People behave in the same or similar ways in different types of situations.
• Personality influences how a person behaves and responds to their environment, and is also the cause of behaving in particular ways.
• While personality is a psychological concept, biological processes have a large influence and impact on it.
• Behavior is not the only thing that displays personality. Personality can be seen in interactions with other people, relationships thoughts, and emotions.

TRAIT THEORIES

There are several theories and schools of thought that try to understand how personality develops, and many have already been discussed in depth. These include humanist theories (such as Maslow's hierarchy of needs), which emphasize the role of free will and the experience of the individual; psychoanalytic theories (like the work of Sigmund Freud) that emphasize early experiences and the unconscious); behavioral theories (like classical and operant conditioning), which suggest that the individual and his or her interaction with the environment lead to the development of personality; and trait theories, which are particularly noteworthy because of their emphasis on the difference between people. Trait theories, then, focus on finding and measuring the personality traits that comprise each individual. Throughout the history of psychology, there have been several trait theories. Among the most important are:

Allport's Trait Theory

In 1936, Harvard psychologist Gordon Allport, who also taught the very first personality psychology class in the United States, developed his trait theory of personality. Allport went through the dictionary and searched for every term he felt described a personality trait. With a list of over 4,500 words, Allport organized these traits into three categories:

1. Cardinal Traits: Traits that control and define the entire personality of an individual. As a result, these types of traits are often synonymous with the individual and are very rare. These traits include Christ-like, Narcissistic, and Machiavellian. 

2. Central Traits: Traits that are common. These include traits like friendliness, kindness, honesty, etc.

3. Secondary Traits: Traits that appear under particular conditions and circumstances. For example, becoming nervous prior to giving a speech in public. 

Cattell's Sixteen Personality Factors

Working off of Gordon Allport's theory, psychologist Raymond Cattell tookAllport's list of more than 4,200 personality traits and dwindled it down to 171 traits, by combining those that were similar to one another and removing traits that were uncommon. Cattell then created questionnaires that used these traits and tested a large population sample. Once Cattell had the results from the questionnaires, he identified any terms that were closely related and used a statistical process known as factor analysis to decrease the number of main personality traits even further. He concluded that a total of sixteen personality traits were the source of all personalities and that every single person had these traits to some degree. The sixteen personality factors Cattell identified are:

• Abstractedness: Being imaginative and abstract versus being grounded and practical.
• Apprehension: Being worried and insecure versus being confident and secure.
• Dominance: Being forceful and assertive versus being submissive and secure.
• Emotional stability: Being calm versus being emotionally unstable and high-strung.
• Liveliness: Being enthusiastic and spontaneous versus being restrained and serious.
• Openness to change: Being flexible and open versus being traditional and attached to the familiar. 
• Perfectionism: Being self-disciplined and controlling versus being undisciplined and flexible.
• Privateness: Being discreet and shrewd versus being open and unpretentious. 
• Reasoning: Thinking abstractly and being more intelligent versus thinking concretely and being less intelligent.
• Rule consciousness: Being conscientious and conforming versus being nonconforming and disregarding rules.
• Self-reliance: Being self-sufficient and individualistic versus being dependent.
• Sensitivity: Being sentimental and tender-hearted versus being unsentimental and tough-minded.
• Social boldness: Being uninhibited and venturesome versus being shy and timid.
• Vigilance: Being suspicious and skeptical versus being trusting and accepting.
• Warmth: Being outgoing and attentive to people versus being distant and reserved.

"If positive psychology teaches us anything, it is that all of us are a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. No one has it all, and no one lacks it all." - Christopher Peterson

~Bella