Now she's gone... So is he...

A few weeks later, the post is back... Sorry for not posting for a while, busy life has being in the way making it difficult to write, especially when the inspiration isn't around. Can't force it... So welcome back! 


Have you ever dreamed of becoming famous? Be a wealthy lawyer? Have a pool in your home? Own a Ferrari? Dreamed of becoming the next best world dancer? Have a family with a dog? Own your own company? 

A dream? A simple dream?
I sure had lots of them as a kid, and despite obstacles that life threw at me, I still have them to this day. My mother always told me to believe in them, to do whatever it takes to make them a reality, to believe in myself, but sadly, I never truly thought I was capable of much. Even my teachers, on my school year report card, "B... needs to believe in herself a bit more. She is capable of a lot, but lack of self-confidence is making her be in the back more often than the front..." And I will pass on the details of what they all thought of me. Apparently, I was doing acceptable work, but since I was lacking such self-esteem, my teachers always had something to say on the subject. It never helped me, I always took it as a bad comment for myself. The more they said it, the more they had to comment on the view I had on myself, the more they made it seem like something was wrong with me, the less I was going to think good things about myself... I never grew out of this insane loop, the twist is the more they would talk about my low-self-esteem, the more I was going to have it. It never helped.
Not only I had to read comments from teachers, but my father never truly supported my decisions, supported my dreams... Supported me in general. One could say "He did, what are you talking about? When you were playing piano, he was forcing you, putting you down as soon as you made a slight mistake, he was pushing you to do better." Not sure if that would be supporting me. To me, it felt more like a "need to be better" than " if you want to be better". 

I can't argue with this, but you have to be in my shoes for just a second, and for that to happen, let me tell you a short story.
Once upon a time... 
Just kidding, I won't start with the most common beginning.
"I can hear the mistake you just made, start from the beginning!" My father would tell me when my finger slipped on the wrong note. Yes, it would happen, a slight slide towards another note would be fatal, but I was careful, and still learning so I had excuses. For my father, it was a whole different story! I started piano when I was young, feeling the keys under my fingertips, being in control of what I was playing was quite a nice feeling altogether. I was a fast learning, and my piano teacher saw the opportunity to write new piano sheets for me, between the pop rock and the unbearable indie, alternative songs that I would love to listen to, he had work to do. My piano teacher was an amazing pianist, and he always managed to write music sheets according to my level. I think he was one of those people who sent me higher, telling me I was talented and if I continued I would do much more. But life got in the way, and once again a dream was cut short. Today, I don't own a piano, but still play around on hard surfaces, having melodies playing in my head, melodies which I haven't played in years, but only with my fingers playing around. The ones I would enjoy singing along to as they were famous pop-rock songs from an old French band. Yes, even at a young age, I was fascinated with oldies. I was never one for lessons, but if I had the chance to play something I loved, I would go right ahead. Going to school for piano wasn't a desire, but I could have got the chance to go if I desired, but that again, is one more lost cause. The day I change my mind on something set, it will be snowing in Santa Barbara, and let's be honest, I don't see that coming soon.

To get back to the short story, my father made my life a living nightmare when it came to practising. He would force me, put me down whenever he had the chance to, and even if I was performing well, no applause,  no reactions just, "Continue" or "Start again". Talk about dictatorship... Playing piano was never a dream but it slowly became one. I dreamed of playing and owning my own grand piano, the long black ones. To play for hours even if I was awful at it, I would keep going. I lost a lot of my capacity over the years of non-playing. Each time I touch a piano, my mind goes directly to the bad comments that my father would say on each occasion.
Owning my own black long piano is a dream, and it could potentially happen, I'm not on my deathbed yet, I've got time, I hope I do, so I can make this dream come true..."

Dreams may sound like the wishes that are nearly impossible to do, to have, that's why they are called dreams. The things you wish you had, the things you could do, could say. The things that are in the back of your head, waiting for you to fall asleep to surface and send you to dreamland, the land of every possibility.

Tonight, my mother decided to message me, to tell me how she wants to see me happy even if that means not seeing me as much. As for the past few months now, I want to go to back to Europe, live there and not come back to the States. To finalise my stay back in Ireland where I belong. It's difficult when you don't belong in a country you don't understand others' life views. A country where half of the population is ignorant enough to make you think twice about why you started talking to them in the first place. Tough times, tough life, tough situations, it's only getting worse... The more I see and talk to people in Santa Barbara, the more I miss home, I miss Europe in general. 
Even though I live in California, my mind is elsewhere, somewhere where I feel like home, feel like I belong there without asking myself questions. And with this, I started developing a dream, a goal of a sort. Own my little pub where there'll be books to read in the back of the little pub, sort of like a tea shop/ library. Combining three of my favourites, tea, pub, and books. 

What my mother hasn't realised is my mind has set, and I won't change it, I will leave this country, this state and even if it doesn't make her happy, I know deep down, she'll understand. Not sure how I'll break the news to her, but I will... Somehow...

To conclude this post, if you have a dream, don't let anyone make you think twice about it. Just go for it, fight for it, believe in it and never give up because everything is possible if you set your mind to it. 
Dreams are here for reasons, to give you hope, faith in yourself. Just don't let yourself down, don't cut yourself short because an obstacle is in the way. You never know what may come around, because if you haven't succeeded it just means it's still on its way to you. A little more time is required, that's all. 

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt

~Bella

Start being happy...

Every morning, the sun rises, or rain crash on your window. We hear kids going to school, laughing one another... 

Waking up happy isn't what we do. 
We are allowing anxiety, fears, regrets and resentments take over our actions. Even though coffee or showers may help, but it doesn't solve everything.

The good news is that there are many things we can do to help us grow stronger, move away from pain and get the negativity and mental habits that clutter our minds leave us. 

How to let go of the past... Not an easy question to answer, but I had the experience to actually use a few ways to let it all go and start being happy. It's difficult, I'm still learning, but I promise if you try to really do it and take it seriously, you will make it out alright! 

Little one:
Your childhood dreams back to childhood! We all dream of becoming a knight, a princess, a cowboy, a teacher... But we most likely won't make these dreams come true, we grow up from these.Until you let go and let them be just a souvenir, they will tug at you! Some dreams are possible, wanting to go watch your favorite sports team play or hike in the mountains. It doesn't cost too much time nor money, so go for it! Take chances, releasing the charge will be a happier experience than the experience itself. Otherwise, write down your childhood dream on paper, let it flow down the stream or burn it, free yourself from your past!

Little two:
Kick perfectionism out the door! Perfect is the enemy of pretty good. And good is what gets up forward. Perfection doesn't exist, you make it happen by accepting flaws. Move forward, don't try to search for perfection! 

Little three:
Stop trying to impress everyone! What's the catch? It's not you, it's a mask that covers your true self. Some people are either going to be too hard to impress, or they will be too easy to do so, but they aren't worth your efforts. So you want to impress someone, impress yourself.

Little four:
Get your buttom working out! Go run, speed walk, jump up and down, go dance, or the gym. Release anger, stress, to increase happy hormones (endorphins). It's legal, free, and healthy! Go ahead!

Little five:
Speak your own truth! You can speak up and speak your mind, indeed, but don't push it! Find a safer way to express what you are feeling, write it down or truth a friend, someone you can really talk to about everything without worrying about judgments. Blow off all that roiling angry energy and clear your mind so you can make positive, helpful choices in your life. You don't need any poison in your life! 

Little six:
Stop putting yourself down! As a wise man said, "Do not complain about the things you cannot change. And the things you can change? Do not complain about them either". To make it clear, if there are aspects of your personality or life you'd like to change, release condemning yourself and simply take steps to start changing it. Action inspires self-love, motivation, and joy.

Little seven:
Put yourself in other's shoes! Your perspective is highly different than others as we commonly think differently. Try to imagine yourself in someone's life! You'll grow wiser as well as more compassionate! You'll feel so much better about yourself, your life, and you will appreciate what is around you.

Little eight:
Get serious, real when it comes to love! It's only an idea that you have one "soul mate". Even if you went through a really tough breakup or lost someone, there's no reason not to believe you are capable of loving another. G.S Saw said about marriage, that it's "based on the exaggeration of one woman's value about all others."

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul." -Brigitte Nicole

~Bella

What a dream!

I'm not entirely sure how to even begin this post! It's rather difficult to explain what this is going to be about. But let's start off by saying...

Dreams are a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep. They mainly occur in the rapid-eye movement (REM) stage of sleep.


This all begins back when I was 6 years old. That was the year, I almost drowned at a swimming lesson and this odd dream or nightmare started a couple weeks after this accident.
Little me would sleep in the middle of the king size bed (yes, I always loved huge beds, even though I might get lost in it), with two stuffed animals by my side, and I wouldn't dare to move a foot out of the sheets, laying still on my back not wanting to fall off the bed. That lasted 2 years... Then I grew out of it, kind of had to!

The dream or whatever you may call it didn't just happen for two years, it continues, every year, every once in a while, it comes back to the surface, and I always manage to have the exact same reaction.

Let me introduce you to my subconscious that isn't at all fun!

I fall asleep and I see this:

Little me is standing in front of the movie theater where my class would go to watch movies (elementary school) in Plestin-les-Grèves, Brittany, France. I'm standing in front looking at it like I'm just zoned out... Then I feel water on my feet, rising up quickly, I'm unable to move around, the fear consuming me, the thought of dying, drowning is too powerful for me to cry for help. A young, blond, tall, blue eyed man is standing in front of the cinema, staring at me. Then the water rises up to my chest, and finally, all I can see is a hand reaching out for me... I don't take the chance to get me out of the situation and I fall down a black hole. Water is gone, and I'm on top of a cliff... (Brittany looks a lot like Ireland with all the cliffs). I'm on top, watching the horizon, wondering what's going on! The wind is blowing hard on my back, making me move out of my place. I'm a foot away from falling off the cliff, the fear is present. The young blond man from the theater is behind me, observing my every move, looking helpless. Then, as the wind blow me off the cliff, I fall and I WAKE UP!

Each time, I see the blond young man, and I always wake up at the same time. Somehow I never take the chance to survive, never take the chance of trusting the young handsome man. I prefer fall to my death than to trust him.
I'm not an expert on dreams, I don't interpret them, and I surely don't always understand them. This one on the other side... It's been coming back so many times and always goes the same way that I manage to figure a piece out or at least I think I finally understand it. I'm afraid of deep waters, I'm afraid of heights, and I don't trust people...

To summarize a little, I've been realizing that I get the dream when I'm close to trusting someone, whenever I hear about something that I'm afraid of. It happens whenever there's something really wrong in my life, it acts like a sign, telling me to watch out. It's been more than 10 years with the dream, it's not a good feeling whenever I have it. The next day, I'm a ghost, unable to talk normally, act normally, tired and in my little world. Trying to figure out what's going on with me.

Dreams are powerful, they may be very odd at times, but there's always a part of truth in, a part of your fears, your desires... You should record your dreams and look for patterns, look for meanings. You could learn something about you that you have no idea existed.

Here is a little video from youtube talking about some strange facts concerning dreams.

"Believe in your dreams. They were given to you for a reason." -Katrina Mayer.

~Bella