Now she's gone... So is he...

A few weeks later, the post is back... Sorry for not posting for a while, busy life has being in the way making it difficult to write, especially when the inspiration isn't around. Can't force it... So welcome back! 


Have you ever dreamed of becoming famous? Be a wealthy lawyer? Have a pool in your home? Own a Ferrari? Dreamed of becoming the next best world dancer? Have a family with a dog? Own your own company? 

A dream? A simple dream?
I sure had lots of them as a kid, and despite obstacles that life threw at me, I still have them to this day. My mother always told me to believe in them, to do whatever it takes to make them a reality, to believe in myself, but sadly, I never truly thought I was capable of much. Even my teachers, on my school year report card, "B... needs to believe in herself a bit more. She is capable of a lot, but lack of self-confidence is making her be in the back more often than the front..." And I will pass on the details of what they all thought of me. Apparently, I was doing acceptable work, but since I was lacking such self-esteem, my teachers always had something to say on the subject. It never helped me, I always took it as a bad comment for myself. The more they said it, the more they had to comment on the view I had on myself, the more they made it seem like something was wrong with me, the less I was going to think good things about myself... I never grew out of this insane loop, the twist is the more they would talk about my low-self-esteem, the more I was going to have it. It never helped.
Not only I had to read comments from teachers, but my father never truly supported my decisions, supported my dreams... Supported me in general. One could say "He did, what are you talking about? When you were playing piano, he was forcing you, putting you down as soon as you made a slight mistake, he was pushing you to do better." Not sure if that would be supporting me. To me, it felt more like a "need to be better" than " if you want to be better". 

I can't argue with this, but you have to be in my shoes for just a second, and for that to happen, let me tell you a short story.
Once upon a time... 
Just kidding, I won't start with the most common beginning.
"I can hear the mistake you just made, start from the beginning!" My father would tell me when my finger slipped on the wrong note. Yes, it would happen, a slight slide towards another note would be fatal, but I was careful, and still learning so I had excuses. For my father, it was a whole different story! I started piano when I was young, feeling the keys under my fingertips, being in control of what I was playing was quite a nice feeling altogether. I was a fast learning, and my piano teacher saw the opportunity to write new piano sheets for me, between the pop rock and the unbearable indie, alternative songs that I would love to listen to, he had work to do. My piano teacher was an amazing pianist, and he always managed to write music sheets according to my level. I think he was one of those people who sent me higher, telling me I was talented and if I continued I would do much more. But life got in the way, and once again a dream was cut short. Today, I don't own a piano, but still play around on hard surfaces, having melodies playing in my head, melodies which I haven't played in years, but only with my fingers playing around. The ones I would enjoy singing along to as they were famous pop-rock songs from an old French band. Yes, even at a young age, I was fascinated with oldies. I was never one for lessons, but if I had the chance to play something I loved, I would go right ahead. Going to school for piano wasn't a desire, but I could have got the chance to go if I desired, but that again, is one more lost cause. The day I change my mind on something set, it will be snowing in Santa Barbara, and let's be honest, I don't see that coming soon.

To get back to the short story, my father made my life a living nightmare when it came to practising. He would force me, put me down whenever he had the chance to, and even if I was performing well, no applause,  no reactions just, "Continue" or "Start again". Talk about dictatorship... Playing piano was never a dream but it slowly became one. I dreamed of playing and owning my own grand piano, the long black ones. To play for hours even if I was awful at it, I would keep going. I lost a lot of my capacity over the years of non-playing. Each time I touch a piano, my mind goes directly to the bad comments that my father would say on each occasion.
Owning my own black long piano is a dream, and it could potentially happen, I'm not on my deathbed yet, I've got time, I hope I do, so I can make this dream come true..."

Dreams may sound like the wishes that are nearly impossible to do, to have, that's why they are called dreams. The things you wish you had, the things you could do, could say. The things that are in the back of your head, waiting for you to fall asleep to surface and send you to dreamland, the land of every possibility.

Tonight, my mother decided to message me, to tell me how she wants to see me happy even if that means not seeing me as much. As for the past few months now, I want to go to back to Europe, live there and not come back to the States. To finalise my stay back in Ireland where I belong. It's difficult when you don't belong in a country you don't understand others' life views. A country where half of the population is ignorant enough to make you think twice about why you started talking to them in the first place. Tough times, tough life, tough situations, it's only getting worse... The more I see and talk to people in Santa Barbara, the more I miss home, I miss Europe in general. 
Even though I live in California, my mind is elsewhere, somewhere where I feel like home, feel like I belong there without asking myself questions. And with this, I started developing a dream, a goal of a sort. Own my little pub where there'll be books to read in the back of the little pub, sort of like a tea shop/ library. Combining three of my favourites, tea, pub, and books. 

What my mother hasn't realised is my mind has set, and I won't change it, I will leave this country, this state and even if it doesn't make her happy, I know deep down, she'll understand. Not sure how I'll break the news to her, but I will... Somehow...

To conclude this post, if you have a dream, don't let anyone make you think twice about it. Just go for it, fight for it, believe in it and never give up because everything is possible if you set your mind to it. 
Dreams are here for reasons, to give you hope, faith in yourself. Just don't let yourself down, don't cut yourself short because an obstacle is in the way. You never know what may come around, because if you haven't succeeded it just means it's still on its way to you. A little more time is required, that's all. 

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt

~Bella

February's list...

February started last week and believe it or not, I bought multiple books since 2018 has started... I have started a few and just bought the others just because I wanted! Not sure how I am going to make it to Ireland with the cases of books, between the weight and the amount I currently have and the ones I'm planning on getting... Anyways, it's not, for now, I have time to figure it out!

February, the shortest month of the year, also means my brother's birthday which is coming tomorrow! Come back the 8th for a special quick post on him!

The list isn't going to be long, only five good books, I had to buy just because I didn't feel like I could walk away from them!

Little one... At Swim-Two-Birds from Flann O'Brien (Brian O'Nolan)
"A wildly comic send-up of Irish literature and culture, At Swim-Two-Birds, is the story of a young, lazy, and frequently drunk Irish college student who lives with his curmudgeonly uncle in Dublin. When not in bed (where he seems to spend most of his time) or reading, he is composing a mischief-filled novel about Dermot Trellis, a second-rate author whose characters ultimately rebel against him and seek vengeance. From drugging him as he sleeps to dropping the ceiling on his head, these figures of Irish myth makes Trellis pay dearly for his bad writing."

Everyone has either read or heard about the story, the novel, and the author... If you haven't, I would tell you to go check it out because this is a great book no matter how famous or unfamous it may be!

The next three novels were written by Anne Enright, I got into her writing, giving me the urge to read more from her.

Little two... The Gathering
"A dazzling writer of international stature, Anne Enright is one of Ireland's most singular voices. Now she delivers The Gathering, a moving, evocative portrait of a large Irish family haunted by the past.
The nine surviving children of the Hegarty clan are gathering in Dublin for the wake of their wayward brother, Liam, drowned in the sea. His sister, Veronica, collects the body and keeps the dead man company, guarding the secret she shares with him- something that happened in their grandmother's house in the winter of 1968. As Enright traces the line of betrayal and redemption through three generations, she shows how memories warp and secrets fester. As in all Enright's work, her distinctive intelligence twists the world a fraction, and gives it back to us in a new and unforgettable light."

I read the first page and it captured me fast... Quickly fell in love with the way she writes!

Little three... Yesterday's Weather
"Enright's characters are haunted by the ghosts of the lives they might have led- lit by new flames, old flames, and flames that are guttering out. A woman's one-night stand is illuminated by dreams of a young boy on a cliff road, another's is thwarted by a swarm of somnolent bees. A pregnant woman is stuck in a slow lift with a tactile American stranger, a naked mother changes a nappy in a hotel bedroom, and waits for her husband to come back from the bar. This collection includes some of Enright's best love stories as well as her latest works."

It's something different, something dark and yet brilliant. It's something you rather not get into, but still, do cause you are drawn to every story.

Little four... The Green Road
"The children of Rosaleen Madigan leave the west of Ireland for lives they ever could have imagined, in Dublin. New York and various third-world towns. In her early old age their difficult, wonderful mother announces that she's decided to sell the house and divide the proceeds. Her adult children come back for a last Christmas, with the feeling that their childhoods are being erased, their personal history bought and sold."

It says that Anne Enright is addicted to the truth and it shows in every sentence. And that makes every detail more important than anything!

Little five... Ghosting from Jennie Erdal
"Ghosting moves from startlingly vivid evocations of an austere Scottish upbringing in Fife to superbly rendered portraits of the people- the young and beautiful, the titled, and the eccentric- with whom Erdal worked at a London- based publishing house. None is more affectionately or intriguingly drawn than that of Tiger himself. In temperament, Tiger and Erdal couldn't have been more different. Yet their relationship weathered storms of all kinds, from temper tantrums to serious financial reversals, with a tenacious bond that is both a wonder and an enigma."

Despite the fact that I love reading, and despite the fact that I don't set myself a specific schedule when it comes to reading, I read whenever I can, which is not too much lately... But hopefully, 2018 will be your year. The year where you will be escaping real life...

"Fairy Tales are more than true not because they tell us that dragons exist but because they tell us that dragon can be beaten." - Neil Gaiman

~Bella

Top Summer Favourites...

Summer, summer, summer...

Best time to get a tan on, relax, and obviously read (if you are like me, you won't tan but read, yes you will)... 
I don't tan, but I read, a whole lot, and buying books, well that's my thing! So I've gathered a list of books that I enjoyed reading or I'm in the process of reading or buying depending on the novel. Note that all the writers I will be mentioning are writers I either appreciate or adore. 

I. Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella. 
British writer whose writing is easy to read and get into. This novel is about a young teenager who suffers from a certain type of anxiety which keeps her from doing what other kids her age do. 
If you have anxiety and want to read something easy and different, go for it! I encourage you to read it. Now, this writer would be more for teenagers, but I believe that books, stories, any of them are meant for everyone including adults. Somehow this book changed my view on social anxiety, made me understand how people suffer around you can suffer from your disorder. It's quite frankly an inspiring book. 

II. The Bookshop On The Corner by Jenny Colgan. 
Scottish writer who's passion shine through each book, story. It's about a young woman who loses her job and travels to Scotland expecting something and instead a whole new life awaits her. 
One novel I'll read again as it is quite inspiring for young writers as well as readers. Her style of reading is very British, very pleasant to read, and easy enough to jump into the story, become the character itself. 

III. Meet Me At The Cupcake Cafe by Jenny Colgan. 
Yes, another novel from her... This story is about a young woman who's talent are put to the test... 
I think what captivated me is how Jenny shows that life isn't always what we expect even if we are "good" at what we do. But there is a bright side to every downfall. Now, I'm still in the process of reading it and it seems like I cannot put the book down, not one bit. 

The last one is actually three books as it is a trilogy. I will put the British edition as well as the US edition. I always get the British one but oh well... The author being Santa Montefiore and one of my favourite author! She always managed to capture the right feeling, the right word to make you feel all types of emotions.   

IV. Song Of Love And War (UK edition) The Irish Girl (US edition) if you cannot find this one another title came for the US edition, The Girl In The Castle.  BOOK I
Daughters Of The Castle Deverill  ( UK edition) The Daughters Of Ireland (US edition which is coming out in mid-August in the US). BOOK II 
The Last Secret Of The Deverill (UK edition) The US edition hasn't come out yet but I'm sure you can find the novel anyways. BOOK III
I won't be explaining much about these books as I'm still in the process of buying them. I want the original version so it's taking a bit more time than expected. Each one of her books has been taking a part of me into another world, leaving the reality behind. 

It is quite the original list of books but these ones are the ones I've been into this summer. They are worth the time and money, haven't been disappointed in any of choice yet, and hopefully, you will found my list as captivating as I was. 

"I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book." - J.K. Rowling 

~Bella

UPDATES: On These Two Adorable Little Ones

Sasha and Malia are finally getting used to the family and the place which is all new for them, still...

Yes, I know the names are like Obama's daughters, we didn't choose these names so no judgments. They are just names! It's actually cute, at least I find it adorable!

I thought I would share a little more photos than usual and less writing. There isn't much to explain except the fact that Sasha, the little gray one, happens to be the most annoying, scratchy little one, everyone in the family calls me the little Bella. We kind of are alike in similar ways, except that she is a kitten while I'm a human being. Strange enough, I don't find it insulting, after all, Sasha is my favorite! Malia on the other side is quieter, less active, more into hiding space like under beds or even couch. Smart and not as social as Sasha which is alright, I mean different personalities. Tougher to hold, and a little more bashful in a way. Amazingly pretty, even a friend of mine has been asking to give up her to him. Right, like it will happen.... Hahaha

So here are some photos of the little ones, trying to get Malia on pictures, but it's quite a task that I haven't perfected yet. It will happen, not now, though. Sorry...

"Behind every great person, there is a great cat."

~Bella