Break is over and reality hits you!

Hello back...

As you can tell, I'm back and running again! 
Lots have happened since my last post back in June... From quitting both my jobs, getting an online job and moving back to Europe! I spent a little over a month in Ireland, mostly in Waterford and I'm currently in France living at my friend's place until things calm down... 

What I mean by calm down... I started my new job not too long ago, so financially I'm unstable as I had to pay my friend back for my flight to France and other things... Europe is cheaper than America but when things don't turn out for the best, money runs away from you! It hides into the shadows and disappears fast! 
A dream came to an end for multiple personal reasons, if you want to read more about it, here is a blog post which I wrote not too long ago https://wander.media/what-i-want-and-what-happened
Not too long but it does talk about how my dream came to an end and what's going on at the moment. Nothing too excited but a small depression is sneaking around the corner, waiting for me to crack into millions of pieces... Not looking forward to it at all. 
Not the best came out of my situation but I truly wanted to make that dream of mine work, maybe one day. For now, I'm in France, I'm enjoying some time with my friend and her friends. Much older, mature and responsible despite the partying and the alcohol, but we always make it home... I never thought I would come back to France and here I am!

I have my whole life in two suitcases, books for days and notebooks... I ain't sure where everything is leading me, every day is a new day... But not knowing what's the next step or where to go isn't easy. I'm still waiting for me to cry my eyes out on the whole situation, still haven't. Still, haven't gone through much to say the list. 

So I'm back, not sure if I'm going to post every week, but I will try to share some of my time in Ireland with you as well as France... Share the last bits of me next time...

~Bella

More questions that got asked...

I thought it was time to respond to a few other questions that people have asked me before.
Never believed people would actually ask many questions, where do you get the answers, though?
I mean, I understand how you can ask questions, got plenty of them myself, but when it comes to answers, it becomes the tricky part... Very tough part!

Here are the questions and the answers...

What is the oddest thing you do or did?

Long answer! I hate odd numbers except 5, that one is fine, but somehow, I take number 3 in consideration. For example, if I really enjoy a novel from a writer, I have to buy at least three novels from the person. I need at least three cups of coffee a day, or more, but three is the least I'll go! Don't know exactly when I realized how odd and absurd it sounded, but I started looking at patterns. It became common to my knowledge that I was indeed getting along with the number three. Then I went back to my past, childhood, I was always with my mother and brother, so three of us. I had three best friends, not just one, and at night before bedtime, I would have to listen to the same song three times before closing my eyes. Three different bedsheets, three type of tea that I absolutely love, and other little things like that. I don't know if you have to have a certain number of certain things, but it seems like I do. Funny thing is that it doesn't happen with everything, good news for me or else I'll have three pairs of the same jacket but in three different colors. Lunatic much considering I don't have a preference with any number.  I have to say it's odd enough for me so it can be odd enough for everyone.


How come you help everyone but don't let anyone help you?

Umm, I think I've answered this question before... It's easier to help others, it makes me happy to see that I was able to help, give advice and succeeded in making someone smile. It proves I can do something nice for others instead of being brutally honest. Giving my compassion, leave in the middle of a movie to cheer a friend up, or just send a little short text message is all that may take for someone to feel better, happier. I, personally, don't like to have people feel alone in a time of crisis, it's quite horrible! 

Why do you cry so much in movies?

How many of you cry in movies? Come on... Many of us cry, I ain't the only one. It proves I care about people's emotions! It shows that I do get compassionate. Crying is part of life when something sad comes on, feelings rush in, you can't control it all the time. Like in Harry Potter, I mean it's not that sad and it's action like than a drama, it's fiction, yet I managed to cry in multiple scenes. Do I regret it, no, will I cry again, yes. I'm a human being, I let it run down my face sometimes, it's not a crime.    

Where would you love to live in the future? 

I've always loved Italy, it's in my blood, but when you talk about Italy it feels like "home" more than my birth country ever felt. Italy would be my first choice, but then again I still have Ireland in my heart as well. My Celtic blood comes around once a while and reminds me that Ireland would be the best place ever for a writer, for a lover of rain and cliffs. On one side, you've got the Italian food, the wine, the hand gestures, the history, the art, the movies, the romance... On the other side, the cliffs, the sea, the green grass, the beer, another history, the unexpected traditions, the rain and wind, the laughter, the little houses... If I could, I would live half of the time in both countries. Can't always decide these such amazing decisions. Ireland, Italy... Love and mysteries! I just love both countries mostly because I've got that home feeling attached to them both, and to add up to the fairytale, I can see myself in a little house, looking out the window, watching, and writing novels. 

Have you always wanted to be a writer?

Funny thing is I never thought I would be writing a novel in a million years. Back in second grade, the teacher asked us to draw a picture of our future job. As you may imagine, each child had firemen or police officers draw on their pieces of papers, while others had teachers, doctors... Except me. I drew a tall chair for the judge and a lawyer at the bottom, looking up. I wanted to be a judge, one to specialize in children issues. Sounds insane, completely nuts, but that's what I wanted, justice. I was obsessed with laws, but also history which also made me look deeper into other subjects. Yet, I was still hooked on the law, convinced I would be able to change someone's life. When I look back, the teacher must have thought I was crazy. That dream of mine was crushed violently when I had to deal with real lawyers, and when I arrived in California. Thank you to insane money maker school, you have to spend millions to get some type of good education to become a great lawyer, or drown yourself in debt for the good major part of your life. Law in America is different from the European one, and when you think of going back to your origins, international is the only option, yet, expensive, and forget about the years you have to spend in a school. Not for me. 

What's your point on the government at the moment?

I don't think you are ready to actually hear my opinion as it may be highly different from many of you! Like to me immigrants, refugees are human beings just like you and me but with a different lifestyle. You don't have bombs destroying your house, or getting killed because you are having a religion. They are usually running away from destroyed lives to better countries who will accept them because they are nice people. But no... Now it's only money, power, being "WHITE" and rich that counts. Let's go back to late 1930's, let's go back to WWII, let's go back to fascism, racism, and sexism. It seems like history is repeating itself, the only good thing that we didn't have back then was all the new technologies that we have now. And yes, technology is nice, but let's be honest, when were political people nice? It will be used for all the wrong reasons! The world is been destroying by our doing when we will stop?

Final question,  kisses or cuddles? 

What a silly question, I'm affectionate so kisses and cuddles. What type of person did you think I was, how can I choose? It's nearly impossible! Kisses are just as enjoyable as cuddles... It's physical touch! Come on! 


I don't think you'll learn much from these little questions, and I didn't want to write novels about them, tried to keep it simple. It makes me realize that I can write about love with more ease than my own self. 

It's Friday, I didn't want another love article to end the week, but something a little more personal. 

~Bella

That crossing line...

When people come in the store, I say "Hello" out of courtesy. Expecting a "hello" back, but most of the time I have to wait until the father, husband or another male person to come in and say "Hello" back. For some odd reason, women got a hard time being polite.
On a Saturday morning, early, a father and little girl came in the shop. Discussing the raspberry macaron, but no "Hello" back, no observation, no nothing.  What a great way to come in a shop! The mother came in five minutes after with a large smile on her face and a very sweet "Hello". I responded and followed her to what macaron she wanted. Getting 8 macarons, I was almost sure they would leave without any tip, seeing how the father was reacting.  When they left I look down at the receipt, by a miracle, a tip was on. The mother had given me her credit card and paid herself. No surprise there, but something was definitely wrong in their relationship.
It's my first time a mother actually give me a tip and says "Hello" instead of the husband. It's either both, who are very polite or just the male model.
Made me happy to see that the mother was in a happy mood and generous to top it all off. I don't know how it is for you if you work around people, do they say "Hello" out of courtesy or not?
I don't understand why so many people aren't polite, it doesn't kill anyone to say "Hello", "Please", or "Thank you". It makes our day so much better, us as employees behind the counter. Everyone has bad days, where we don't want to talk to anyone, but it's still pleasant to hear a little "Hello".
I don't always say it, but I try my best to almost always stay polite by smiling.

The funniest part of all the customers I met are the kids with their parents. Some will look over to the chocolates, ask me if they are eatable, and I'll look at them with a weird look. It happened to me, last time, a young around 15 years of age girl, came in with her father and older sister. She asked about the chocolates, and I couldn't help keep the sarcasm away.
"It's just for decoration," I replied with a stupid smile.
Her father stared her down, laughing, telling her, "Did you hear what you just asked? You couldn't ask a stupider question than this."
He looked back at me and apologized for his daughter's idiotic question that made all of us laugh.
I managed to get a tip, but bloody hell, these stupid questions will get very exhausting to hear.

The next family that came later in the week, was both parents and a daughter, around 17 years of age. I could tell she was getting everything she desired. Her mother politely asked for a box of 6, which I made after waiting 10 minutes or a bit more with the daughter's choice of macarons. Indeed, there are quite a lot of choices, but when you see that behind you there are more customers, you try to go a little faster! No smile, nothing came out of that girl's facial expressions. The plain expression she gave me like it was normal that her parents were spending money on her. I felt horrible serving the young lady that it was written all over my face. Her father felt horrible as were behavior. I thanked him, but I told myself that they would have to pay for their daughter's things until they cannot anymore. I didn't even hear any "Thank you" when I gave them the box, only from the parents who looked quite embarrassed.
I can't to this day believe parents have no respect from their children. I would understand not thanking me, but her parents paid a box of macarons to please her. The "Thank you" should be automatic, but no! So the parents apologize but don't do anything with their children. They will have it worse later on, and we can't say anything to them, just watch the situation play its course. When I have these people come in with ungrateful children, I just feel terrible for the parents.
Luckily, they are exceptions... Some kids are so polite and determined to stick with one or two macarons that I get these samples out for them to try. It's quite adorable to see a little kid come in the store, walk up to you and ask you, "Can I, please get a green cookie?" How can you not melt away?
I'm actually surprised to see and hear a little kid being polite instead of their parents. Yes, this situation, this amazing case does happen. Sometimes, the kids are more polite than the parents, sad, but true!
Then, you've got the very sweet guy that come in, alone, each time, to get one macaron,  smile big, pays and leaves, but to always come back to get another one. Honestly, that guy must be in love with macarons. Sadly, he is around just to visit his parents...Won't see this one very often.

It's just hilarious to see so many different faces come and go. You've got all types of people... The elderly who happen to always have a hard time hearing. Sorry, my voice isn't as loud as others, it's more quiet, softer to be fairly honest.
Then, I've got the impossible teenagers who think they are better than everyone else. These ones are just painful to work with! Can't get enough of their unpleasant behaviors. They come in, keep talking about their exes or gossip around. What a perk!

Now, we have amazing customers, who are always in a positive mood, great vibes, always smiling, polite and always for the most time give tips! It's pleasant to be able to communicate and rely on these valuable customers! 
I remember when a woman, one morning, came in with a little shy smile. She had lost her voice maybe after been sick, she asked in a very low voice if she could get a box of 6. A couple and their daughter came in seconds after. They heard how difficult it was for the woman to talk, so respectfully talked quietly enough so I could hear what the woman was saying. It was pleasant to see how respectful they were to the poor woman who made me sad. I ended up giving her an advice on trying to get her voice back. Usually, hot milk with honey helps! 
Not being the best social person out there, I can tell you that being communicative isn't always easy! The struggle of listening to people who come in, reply when needed, it takes a lot! But this job is helping me realize that they are amazing people out there, and sadly, some people who are less amazing! 

"Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing." - Rollo May.

~Bella

Places I go...

I guess it is time for me to reveal where I started working a few weeks ago, not that it does matter, but I rather quite enjoy working there! It's not as stressful as it may seem...

Le Macaron, French pastries. Sweet place, amazing bosses, and to be fairly honest, the customers aren't half way bad! It's common to have the annoying ones, but not as many as you may think! 

I'm sure I'll have plenty stories to write about when I get more into the work, for now, it's being rather easy, already learned pretty much everything that I needed to know, obviously, there are still a few things that I need to check up and learn.
It's been nice to have some type of employment, somewhere I can also write whenever I'm alone and not busy!
Get a few conversations on with people that approach me for various reasons. The last one was a woman who was sitting down on little sofas, where I sit by in front of the GameStop. We were both on the phone, so instead of joining the little spot, I waited on both of our calls to end before I asked if I could sit down next to her. Nicely enough, she joked about the sofas being all of hers. Made me laugh quite a bit, and we started conversing. Got her card with her information, now I've got to text! She was really enjoyable to talk to, funny and intelligent! It changes from people I see around and talk to.

With this new little job, I need to become social, almost the opposite of what I usually do. Being talkative can be hard enough that I sometimes wish I didn't have to talk to customers. It makes me have a filter on what I should say and not say. Giving me the opportunity to grow up on the talkative side of me, letting me become a woman who knows when to not be honest in certain cases, just in case I don't hurt others in the process. Quite hard when you are used to be sarcastic enough to come out brutally honest. This little job as little as it may be helps me a lot more than anything before. I get to write whenever I have free time, I get to make customers smile at times, and the best part is that it actually helps me realize that I can get tips from not been too honest and smiling. It's the first time I'm actually going to work happy. There is even a British man who I see each time I work, sitting down with his book. Last time at work, I went to him with samples, offered him some macaron, and went on my way. He now looks at me through the door of the shop and says hello with= a wave of his hat. Making friends is always fun!

When people say, "Find a job that makes you smile by just waking up in the morning. A job that you enjoy doing every time you go." I think I discovered the pleasure of going to work, getting paid, making people smile, and waking up in the morning telling myself "It's going to be a good day!"
If you don't know me, you have to know I hate mornings, it's a nightmare to wake me up and emerge from my sleeping state. It's one of the rare times where I catch myself telling myself such a thing. I'm quite a negative person in general, and this time, I'm catching myself feel different about the situation!


Little plus of working is I get to wake up early so my mum drops me off at the same time as my brothers. I walk to a coffee shop and get that writing on! Getting that breakfast on as well, making myself eat a little before I have a long day at work. 

Going to work may be an enjoyable thing for me, but it's mostly for my mum that I do it all. She needs support, help, whatever she can get and honestly, it is hard to deal with but it's family... Can't just run away from duties!

"Working hard is important. But there is something that matters even more: Believing in yourself." - Harry Potter.

~Bella 

What just happened...

Do you know what it feels to have anxiety? Well, I do, and trust me it's not pleasant! Anxiety is considered a mental health disorder when I say it like this, it feels like I should be under some medication or in a mental hospital... Not going to be happening anytime soon as I'm actually afraid of hospitals. If you look up anxiety you will get multiple definitions, but the one that stands out the most, in my opinion, is this one : Anxiety is a general term for several disorders that cause nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worrying. These disorders affect how we feel and behave, and they can manifest real physical symptoms. Mild anxiety is vague and unsettling while severe anxiety can be extremely debilitating, having a serious impact on daily life.
With my experience of anxiety, I can say for a fact that it can destroy a part of you.

Today, I had a job interview, I went there confident with a big smile on my face. Sadly, I 'm not one to express everything all the sudden. I came up as shy... Or more anxious than anything else but obviously I hid it. I could feel my heart beating at the speed of light (alright it's not really that fast, but it clearly made me feel like it was), and I was a little off, in my little corner... At the end, I know I did well, I will get more information next Monday, but I'm sure getting the job. Exciting right? Well for me it is.

For someone who has anxiety like me, we experience panic attacks. It's when your heart pounds and you can't breathe normally, some people would say, "It feels like you are dying." Panic attacks are common for people who have anxiety. I just had one this morning, before leaving for the interview. Short breath, dizzy, not wanting to drink a glass of water, the panic attack that I couldn't control well. What I did was put music on, brushed my teeth, got my shoes on and a little sweater, and took a couple deep breaths. I'm saying it like it was easy as eating a bowl of cereal, but I can assure you, it wasn't! It's far from being easy. Being in control of yourself under panic attacks are the worse. Last time, I had a really bad one, I was crying on the floor, unable to breathe normally. No one will understand what you are going through unless they have experienced it themselves. If you know me, you know how stressed I am, or how worried I get. So no wonder I had a panic attack this morning.

There are multiple types of anxiety, and I'm still unsure of what mine is, as I tend to fall into every single category. Good thing, I love a couple of things, they help me get through life and anxiety... Since I was young sweets have gotten me far, and still to this day, help me overcome some fears of mine, phobias (except some phobias that I need to work on like driving and taking tests).

If you meet someone who has anxiety, don't treat them differently, just know that it's not their fault, they don't always control it.

" Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear." 

~Bella

A Little note: I might start writing on Saturdays or Sundays if I'm getting the job... But that I will learn more next week...