"A beetle recognises another beetle" or simply... "It takes ones to know one"...
A friend of mine once told me that quote and since that day, it hasn't left me. Irish... Oh, don't I miss hearing it on the train or seeing it written on almost everything.
I would have never thought I would be in another country when my mother was in Ireland. I would have never thought that I wouldn't be there when she was. And yet... There it was, the "never would happen", happened!
I'm in France and she is in Ireland since November 27th when she arrived in Dublin.
Despite my love for my dear mother, a part of me envy her. Jealous to see how she is home while I ain't, while she made a choice with my friend to make me leave the country.
Hard to explain how something so tiny can affect you. Hard to recognise that it was for the best...
I wouldn't change what happened, but accepting it has become harder each day.
Ireland, a country takes a whole lot of my love (don't worry, it seems like I have a big enough heart to hold a lot more), and I cannot deny it. It's only a feeling of belonging to a place where I can breathe fresh air, hold myself warm in a blanket while watching the rain outside the living room window, the smell of Guinness spilled on the pub's floor... Missing the long train rides, and the walks along the waterfront. I miss it all, but what can it do to dwell on it all?
Keeping a good memory of it, trying to get the same tea brand back in France, the same scents which I do find when I walk by a bakery (surprisingly) and let's be honest, I do miss my fish and chips... I miss calling fries "chips" and miss speaking English or hearing it all the bloody time between the accents and the expressions...
Funny thing is I could go on and on about everything I miss about Ireland and not get tired of it. I wouldn't mind stating every good thing and bad ones as well just to get it out of my chest... But what a boring post would that be...
So to get back to the point of this post if does have one... I need to make a choice. To decide what's next for me, for my health, my relationships, my future. Sounds completely idiotic considering I'm still in my early twenties but trust me, if I could have been thirthy like my friend, I would!
Choices... Hilarious... My last choice, wasn't mine, all I did was follow it through without crying my eyes out. Where should I go? Should I stay in France for a while and see where it leads me? Or should I save up every penny to move back to Ireland...?
I can't even write a proper post. How regretable! All I can think of is how pathetic I may sound when I tell myself that everything is fine, but my facial expressions tell a different story. Because deep down, I'm completely lost. Lost between what is needed for me at the moment and what I truly desire which is a blur, a fogged out little thought that won't come through to let me make a decision.
Why? Why is so complex to make a decision?
Sometimes, I wish I was back in in a different time period kind of like how the TV show "Outlander" made it... Falling in love with a brave Scottish soldier, seeing something else, be someone else, start fresh and be lost ...
What can I say, one can only dream!
~Bella
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