Stress or worse...

In a previous post, I talked about the fact that I have a bad case of anxiety and I was going to write a post about it... Well, there it is!

I'll try my best to describe it without being too boring as it is a subject that may be pretty depressing, especially if you know what it feels like... 

Anxiety is considered to be a disorder that controls your life in some ways. It's a feeling of constant worrying about everything and being nervous about every outcome.
I call it a living nightmare! After having anxiety for over 10 years, I can tell you a lot about it, about my experiences, the stories I hear around me. To be honest, I don't even know where to even start. It's such a broad subject that picking the first point to this post, seems like it's impossible!

I started having anxiety around the time my parents filed for divorce. One horrible time for everyone and I had to mature up at a young age. Took responsibilities that shouldn't have, and protected people a lot more than I should have. At the time, I wasn't sure what was happening to me, I would get panic attacks and not knowing what to do, so I was ignoring all the problems. Then I came to the U.S, learned a new language, made new friends, changed my routine, and started a new life. The anxiety was still around, less present since I was ignoring all the signs, I would always say, "Oh it's nothing, just stress...". During junior high school, I started learning more about psychology, body language, and communication. I might have known a lot already, but it taught me about anxiety, the how, the why and it helped me realize that I had the disorder myself. I was doing my own psychology, not telling anyone, keeping everything to myself. High School came quicker than expected, leaving me with much more anxiety. I had lost a couple friends, making new enemies, and more family issues. Too much for a troubled girl. I had too much going on, and I couldn't control anything anymore.
Now, after a couple years of psychology and dealing with the issue by myself, I can finally put into words what it feels. The stabbing feeling, the constant idea of worrying about every single thing, making me stop doing things that I want to. Making me have panic attacks where the only thing that calms me down is sitting down on a cold floor (my bathroom floor), and listening to the same song over and over again like it's completely normal. It sounds like I'm mentally incapable of living a normal life, yet I'm, at least trying. Sometimes, I wish it could disappear, so I can finally know what it feels not to care so much about everything. People actually take medication to control the anxiety, but not me, the choice was simple, no way! So while some people may end up controlling it, I can't, and don't feel sorry for me. I actually try to manage it the best I can, but sometimes it's beyond my control. That feeling where nothing is right, that you are holding the entire world on your shoulders, making you want to end your life because you can't take it anymore... It doesn't just affect your daily life, but it may also disturb your sleep. I've been dealing with sleep deprivation. Waking up around the same time, over thinking about everything, making me wonder if I did the right thing during that day or week. Waking up in the middle of the night, not able to breathe, feeling your heartbeat at the speed of light, feeling like you need to go to the hospital because you know you aren't fine and end up staying in bed, under the covers, thinking, and thinking. Trying to calm yourself down and failing at it. That feeling where all you can think the negative outcome of life because you know that you are not capable of living your life by yourself. That feeling of being never alone because you always have that little voice in your head telling you "You aren't fine, everyone is going to hurt you at the end, you can't have a normal life, you are destined to be miserable...", that anxiety that never leaves you and if you try to ignore it, it finds its way back and hurt you more than before. 

So for over 10 years, my list of phobia grew longer, making me look like a wimp. Look like a chicken who is afraid of everything and who has multiple traumas. I don't disagree, I do have a few traumas, but not every phobia came after a traumatic event, mostly came after a bad case of anxiety. The funny thing is I'm not alone in this case and yet it really does feel like I'm the only one. It's complicated to realize that people may end up understand what you are going through. 
At the end of the day, I'm still alive and the next day will be another day to survive. 
After talking to a few people about anxiety itself, a few tips came my way. 
Don't let anxiety rule your world! Sounds impossible, but if you really want it, you can achieve it, it takes a while, but I can tell you one thing doesn't be afraid of it. You can control the anxiety! Be the leader and not the follower. Anxiety is just a disorder, not a person, it's not the entire you, just a fragment of yourself. 
Find your happy place... This one might be in your head or just a place that you really enjoy going to when you are feeling sad or anxious. Mine is the train station, sounds odd, but seeing people and hearing the train come, sitting on a bench, observing the surroundings calms me down. My train station is an outside one, so when it's sunny and warm, it's quite pleasant.

To end this post, if you have anxiety yourself, don't beat yourself up. You aren't alone and if you need someone to talk to, or just a friend whenever you are feeling anxious, I'm here. I'm a great listener and I tend to know what to say in those situations, so don't be afraid. I'll be glad to help. After all, friendship is free, you don't have to pay for it like you would have to pay for a person who has a diplomat but never really felt anxiety themselves. I don't have a medical degree or anything fancy, just my experience and a lot of psychology behind me. It doesn't make me an expert but I know what it feels like. If you do not have anxiety, lucky you, I wish it on no one, but don't start judging anyone who has it, it's no one's fault! It's our fight, and even though it's a battlefield, we are the only one to fight it... I know I'm a bomb who will explode... So...

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -Albert Camus

~Bella