Psych 101... Love, Listening to your heart, continue...

JOHN LEE'S SIX STYLES OF LOVE

John Lee believed the different styles of love were similar to the rules of a color wheel. Much like the way a color wheel features three primary colors, Lee believed that love could be broken down into three basic primary styles. These are:

• Eros: Loving the ideal of a person both physically and emotionally.
• Ludos: A type of love that is played like a game or conquest (and might result in many partners at one time). 
• Storge: Love that stems from a friendship over time.

Just like the primary colors of a color wheel can be combined and create complimentary colors, so too can the primary love styles. The result is three secondary styles of love:

• Mania: A combination of Eros and Ludos, Mania is a style of love that is obsessive. This includes emotional highs and lows, jealousy, and very possessive feelings. 
• Pragma: A combination of Ludos and Storge, Pragma is a love that is practical. Lovers go into the situation with the hopes of reaching their final goal. Expectations of the relationship are thought about practically and realistically. 
• Agape: A combination of Eros and Storge, Agape is a love that is all-encompassing and selfless 

ROBERT STERNBERG'S TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE

In this 2004 theory, Robert Sternberg proposed that love could be broken down into three parts: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

• Intimacy: Closeness, supporting one another, sharing with one another, and feeling loved.
• Passion: Feelings of sexual arousal and attraction, and euphoria. This is what drives two individuals together.
• Commitment: The desire to remain loyal to another person and stay in a long-term relationship.

From these three components, seven different combinations can be created. The easiest way to understand this is by looking at it as a triangle. In the triangle, intimacy, passion, and commitment are the vertices, and the seven combinations are the connections between these vertices. 

Alternatively, here is another way to look at it: 

• Liking or Friendship: This represents a friendship where there are closeness and a strong bond, but there is not any passion or commitment present. 
• Infatuation or Limerance: This is what a person feels when he or she experiences "love at first sight." Because there is no commitment or intimacy, infatuation can be fleeting. 
• Empty Love: This is when a love has lost intimacy and passion, but there is still a strong commitment between the two people. 
• Romantic Love: Romantic love features intimacy and passion, meaning there are sexual arousal and an emotional bond, but there is a lack of commitment.
• Companionate Love: This is a type of love where passion does not exist or no longer exists, but there is still a great commitment and deep affection for one another. This type of love is found among family members, close friends, and can even be found in marriages.
• Fatuous Love: This is a type of love that only features passion and commitment, but lacks intimacy. An example of fatuous love is a brief or impulsive marriage. 
• Consummate Love: This is the ideal form of love, and it features intimacy, passion, and commitment. Sternberg claimed that once consummate love was achieved, it would be even harder to maintain and that it may not be permanent. If for example, passion becomes lost with the passage of time, then the consummate love would turn into companionate love. 

During the lifespan of a relationship, Sternberg believed that the balance between intimacy, passion, and commitment would shift. Understanding the three components of love and the seven types can help couples recognize what they need to improve upon, what they should avoid, and even when it might be time to end the relationship. 

" The purpose of psychology is to give us a completely different idea of the things we know best." - Paul Valery

~Bella

Another place...

Short Sunday Post:

Moving out, what a process...

I've been watching the "SACCONEJOLY's" vlogs, the old ones, and I came across them moving houses and country. From Ireland to England. It is a big change, something new, exciting but also scary. I learned so much about myself throughout their vlogs and experiences. They show us what they are going through every day, making me realize a lot... It's special!

The SacconeJoly family made me think about all the times I moved houses, city, country. The feelings that come along each time I made boxes, gave up on a lot of my stuff, papers, the happy and sad feelings...

The vlogs really moved me to the point of asking myself how I felt each time I moved places. Most the time I was afraid of the changes. I think I spent a lot more time moving, changing school after my mother's first divorce. That time was a moving experience that wasn't the best... Now after divorcing my stepfather, we have to move again, second time already. Next week will be another experience.
I don't want to lie, but I'm actually tired of moving so much, afraid of the change, terrified even.

The end of September is time for new experiences, autumn came around, and I got a job training tomorrow... The perk of the job is that I'll get enough time to write as well which makes me extremely happy. The job part makes me a little nervous, it's always a change. I'm just afraid my anxiety gets the best out of me.
This coming week is busy between the boxes, the paperwork, the job training, all of my thoughts... Not that exciting!

I don't think I'll be able to post tomorrow morning, but around late afternoon as I'll be either at work or filling out paperwork.

I'll try to talk about the move throughout the week, and if you like to comment your moving story below or by private message, I'll be happy to read and write a post about other people experiences.

"You're going to get surprised as a new river. You're going to have heart-stopping experiences." - Steve Meyers

~Bella

The leaves are falling...

As you already know, autumn started yesterday, September 22nd!



You have no idea how happy I am to be able to wear my sweaters again, and little boots, my scarf...
Autumn has to be my favorite season, doesn't matter if my birthday is in the summer, I love autumn! The orange/red leaves, the little breeze coming back, the cold nights (sometimes)... I just love this season and no, not for the holidays! I don't do thanksgiving, it's not European, and Halloween, well I've recently started to like it a bit, but not entirely yet!


To me, autumn is the best season and there are reasons for it, don't try to change my mind, I won't!

Little One... Look at the trees, for once and enjoy the colors that this amazing season gave you! The pretty orange, red, yellow, green colors and tell me what you truly think of it! Isn't it beautiful? And that morning light, it's golden, such a gift! 

Little Two... The leaves fall down, you kick them, you jump in these piles of red leaves, what a childhood memory!



Little Three... Sweater Weather is coming around each year, starting in autumn! Being able to come to work without sweating is a real pleasure. Welcome back big sweaters!


Little Four... Cuddle dates never go wrong! In my opinion, autumn is the season of love. It's chilly outside, you are walking around and all you can do is hold on to the one you love!


Autumn makes me think of hot beverages in the corner of a coffee shop with a good book. It makes me think of the sound the steamer makes after a coffee, the rain (maybe not in California, *sad face*) tapping against the windows. It seems like everyone is happy, people smile it's a new beginning, a start of something great! Anything can happen in the fall, especially love! Autumn is, in fact, a romantic season... Us women look a bit more shy with our light sweaters, little boots, our scarf... It makes us look more mysterious, more untouchable. 

Little Five... The TV shows that you missed all summer are back and running, but so does NFL, sports are on! I get to watch Serie A again! That's my little delight! 

Little Six... No more bathing suits, no more shaving all the time, and there is No Shave November! Less time consumed with taking care of the shaving part.


Little Seven... Pumpkin Spice Latte is back, but so are pumpkin pies! Even being European, I got used to drinking and eating these! I miss it during spring and summer! 

Little Eight... Christmas is on its way, there I said it! Winter is next and the beautiful holiday as well! Can't deny how wonderful Christmas is... 

Despite having Christmas soon, Thanksgiving and Halloween are coming sooner! Indeed, thanksgiving is very American, but we can enjoy the good food in autumn, it's cooler so the hot food has returned to us! You may be saying goodbye to the summer tan and welcoming more clothes on your body, but you can't deny how amazing autumn is! I won't let you believe autumn is boring...



"Autumn is the hardest season. The leaves are all falling, and they're falling like they're falling in love with the ground." - Andrea Gibson.

~Bella

The Book of Symbols 5...

Kiss

Over the doorjamb of the womb-chamber of the Konārak temple in Southern India, and among the images in niches on its facade, are small, erotic sculptures of ardent couples, or mithuni. Their flowing bodies melt together in a passionate embrace, evoking the sexual play of both gods and mortals, and, paradoxically, the release from it in the union of the self and Supreme Self within a single being. Rapturously, the figures kiss. And here, under the arched brows and interlocked noses of two who are one, the lips merge in a state of bliss that knows nothing of a within or without, and in which there is no longer separation, desire or grief (Brhadaranyaka Upanishad IV:3:21; ARAS, 7Ao.044). 

A kiss of passionate longing may be shunned on the 

chaste movie screens of contemporary India, but it is

openly depicted in the sacred temple sculpture of the 

13th century. Sandstone, Surya Temple, Konārak, 

Orissa, India. 

Behind sealed lips, we protect one of the most personal spaces of the body; we part our lips to draw in the breath of inspiration or to speak intimate feelings into the beloved's ear, finally surrendering the private self in the loving convergence of one's own lips with the lips of the other. Even when not romantic, the kiss implies affection, blessing, recognition and reconciliation. Thus the psalmist intones, "Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other" (Psalm 85:10). The comparable climax of the Muslim hajj to the Grand Mosque in Mecca is the pilgrim's kiss upon the Black Stone of the Kaaba, an act of reverence first performed by Muhammad. In these religious traditions, kissing is a ceremonial act, a sign of the bond between kin, or respect to holy relics, prayer shawls or altars or homage to one's ruler (kissing his feet) or to one's conqueror (licking the dust beneath his feet). With the bridal kiss, Western culture bridged the sacred and the romantic, although such European fairy tales as "Sleeping Beauty" or "Snow White" mark the approach of true love by a kiss that awakens the soul, rather than kindles sexual libido. 

Through the identity and meaning of many of the 

characters in Bronzino's mannerist allegory are still

debated, this detail is unequivocally of Venus and her 

adolescent son Cupid engaged in an amorous, 

incestuous kiss. Venus, Cupid, Folly, and Time, detail, 

oil on panel, 1544-5, Italy.

However, the sensuous, unseemly kiss between Bronzino's Cupid and Venus, his mother-  slipping the tip of the tongue into her son's lips- portrays a sly, incestuous carnality. To some cultures, the public display of kissing is considered scandalous, for its signals the opening act of coitus, and casual, devouring tongue-kissing has even suggested cannibalism. Jung, in fact, disagreeing with Freud that all libido was sexual, noted the pleasure infants take in sucking and observed that "kissing derives much more from nutrition than from sexuality" (CW 5:652). The empty "air-kisses" of celebrities or the shallow "spit-swapping" of teenagers can seem to cancel out any encounter between two halves of a single soul that we can still feel in the secular sculpture of Rodin's The Kiss. The songbirds whose crossed wings surrounded Aengus, the Celtic god of love, deteriorated into the banal "x's" that close sentimental love letters. Modern Valentines- whose puckering smooches even use kisses to veil hostility- anticipate the chilling intentions of such phrases as "kiss off" (to dismiss a stale lover), "kiss up" (to display shameless obsequiousness) and "kiss and tell" (to betray matters shared in confidence). More stunning is the submissive "kiss of shame" upon the devil's anus (or that of his masked proxy). Here, the disciple kisses the "nether-lips" at the opposite end of the body than the mouth, a practice of medieval Satanists at their black Sabbaths, which often inverted conventional ritual. Similarly, the "kiss of death," such as Judas kissing Jesus, reverses, in the perfidious intimacy of betrayal, all that is signified by the kiss of love. The kiss can also convey a different kind of reversal. Francis of Assisi placed squarely on the lips of a fearsome leper the "kiss of peace," communicating a spiritual love that drew the most reviled being of the age into the saint's most personal interior. 

~Bella

Don't be afraid of asking...

How many of you just ignore your own problems?

I'm not going to lie, I ignore them like nothing ever happened, preferring to deal with other people's issues. Managing people's life is simple and doable...

When I have an issue, I turn my back on it, focus on someone else, and try to forget or leave it in a tiny place away from my thoughts! I don't recall a time when I actually dealt with something really painful, always trying to avoid the pain as much as possible. Doesn't sound healthy if you ask me, but what can I do?

Ask someone for help or just to listen to me talk about what's troubling me?
Try a make a list of what bothers me?
Listen to someone's advice?
I don't ask for anything except football jerseys or Nutella, I've made lists but I left them in the back of a lost notebook, and listening to someone's advice isn't my thing, I do listen but I don't really try to do as I am told because I'm too afraid of doing it alone. So I lock myself away from issues, from people's advice, from my own feelings and emotions. Again not healthy! I shouldn't bottle everything, I should ask for help, advice, support from someone I trust entirely, and give myself completely to the person I love instead of putting walls around me.
I look like someone who isn't brave enough, courageous enough to look at my problems, deal with them, and look at the possibilities that may end miserable situations! The stubbornness is beyond explanation, I went through really hard times before and it seems like I don't want to end up in the same dilemma, depression, sadness, crying, no sleep, no food in my stomach... You get the point!

To make sure people don't get tired of hearing about me, I knew someone who was in the same dilemma! He was so busy trying to keep his pride up, never asking for support, never wanted anyone to be around that he never really dealt with anything. He ignores and moved on, pretending everything was alright! Fake it until you make it? I suppose! This person preferred to give up on amazing moments just so it wouldn't hurt the other person. Caring? Yes, but unfair! If someone wants to help, begging you to stay, don't ignore them and accept with a smile, it's not every day you get that!

Support is here to help you get through rough times, to prove you that you aren't alone in your own mess. You might be the reason why you are in that mess in the first place, but you have to realize that you can't go through it all by yourself. You'll end up losing your mind, you'll lose yourself and others on the way. Stop thinking that accepting help or support from someone is a sign of weakness. Stop thinking that people will judge you based on what you say. I've learned that you can't please everyone, no matter how much you try, there will always be someone to think you are a bloody imbecile! In this case, they will judge your problem, but you can't do much about it, try to move on, everyone isn't the same, some will listen and help while others will not care one bit.
Asking for help is a sign of courage, character, and strength, not many have it now a day! By asking help, you are accepting the fact that you are vulnerable, and don't think you will get rejected, 99% of the time people are glad that you ask for their help. Moving out of your comfort zone can be an incredible thing.
It helps us shape who we are as human being, we stand tall and grow each day because of one simple thing, help. Look at babies, for instance, they are constantly in need of something and they aren't afraid to show they need help and support. What do we do in return? We give them love, help them every step of the way, they aren't afraid to give us the real them , vulnerability is part of us all, so even if we grow up, we should be able to show the good, the bad, the strong part as well as the weak part. Sadly, society is horrible, now people take advantage, judge more gives us reasons to hide a part of us. We can't show our vulnerability. But I believe that we all can with the people we truly love and admire.

This is just my opinion, and you don't have to agree at all. I'm open minded, I won't mind judgments... We rise together, we work best together, the pyramids weren't built by one man but many. We ask for help, we ask others to give us support and we arrive at a stronger, more powerful bond. This is why I love watching football (soccer), they actually give us the meaning of a team, the family, and they win for their family. They are better together as a team than alone. Love gives us the opportunity to be better with someone else by our side. It shouldn't be denied, shouldn't be rejected, but embraced! 

"We are one of a kind, irreplaceable..." - Avicii (Waiting For Love)

~Bella

She's always a woman to me...

Not long ago, I discover this kid on YouTube, Britain's Got Talent... He was so talented that it brought me to tears. I knew the song, She's Always A Woman To Me from Billy Joel, but it never affected me as much as this kid did! I'm not personally the only one who thought this kid had talent, everyone did!

She's Always A Woman To Me

She can kill with a smile

She can wound with her eyes

She can ruin your faith with her casual lies

And she only reveals what she wants you to see

She hides like a child

But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love

She can take you or leave you

She can ask for the truth

But she'll never believe

And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free

Yeah, she steals like a thief

But she's always a woman to me

Chorus: 

Oh, she takes care of herself

She can wait if she wants

She's ahead of her time

Oh, and hse never gives out

And she never gives in

She just changes her mind

She will promise you more

Than the Garden of Eden

Then she'll carelessly cut you

And laugh while you're bleedin'

But she'll bring out the best

And the worst you can be

Blame it all on yourself

Cause she's always a woman to me

Chorus

She is frequently kind

And she's suddenly cruel

She can do as she pleases

She's nobody's fool

But she can't be convicted 

She's earned her degree

And the most she will do

Is throw shadows at you

But she's always a woman to me.

"I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music." -Billy Joel

~Bella

Start being happy...

Every morning, the sun rises, or rain crash on your window. We hear kids going to school, laughing one another... 

Waking up happy isn't what we do. 
We are allowing anxiety, fears, regrets and resentments take over our actions. Even though coffee or showers may help, but it doesn't solve everything.

The good news is that there are many things we can do to help us grow stronger, move away from pain and get the negativity and mental habits that clutter our minds leave us. 

How to let go of the past... Not an easy question to answer, but I had the experience to actually use a few ways to let it all go and start being happy. It's difficult, I'm still learning, but I promise if you try to really do it and take it seriously, you will make it out alright! 

Little one:
Your childhood dreams back to childhood! We all dream of becoming a knight, a princess, a cowboy, a teacher... But we most likely won't make these dreams come true, we grow up from these.Until you let go and let them be just a souvenir, they will tug at you! Some dreams are possible, wanting to go watch your favorite sports team play or hike in the mountains. It doesn't cost too much time nor money, so go for it! Take chances, releasing the charge will be a happier experience than the experience itself. Otherwise, write down your childhood dream on paper, let it flow down the stream or burn it, free yourself from your past!

Little two:
Kick perfectionism out the door! Perfect is the enemy of pretty good. And good is what gets up forward. Perfection doesn't exist, you make it happen by accepting flaws. Move forward, don't try to search for perfection! 

Little three:
Stop trying to impress everyone! What's the catch? It's not you, it's a mask that covers your true self. Some people are either going to be too hard to impress, or they will be too easy to do so, but they aren't worth your efforts. So you want to impress someone, impress yourself.

Little four:
Get your buttom working out! Go run, speed walk, jump up and down, go dance, or the gym. Release anger, stress, to increase happy hormones (endorphins). It's legal, free, and healthy! Go ahead!

Little five:
Speak your own truth! You can speak up and speak your mind, indeed, but don't push it! Find a safer way to express what you are feeling, write it down or truth a friend, someone you can really talk to about everything without worrying about judgments. Blow off all that roiling angry energy and clear your mind so you can make positive, helpful choices in your life. You don't need any poison in your life! 

Little six:
Stop putting yourself down! As a wise man said, "Do not complain about the things you cannot change. And the things you can change? Do not complain about them either". To make it clear, if there are aspects of your personality or life you'd like to change, release condemning yourself and simply take steps to start changing it. Action inspires self-love, motivation, and joy.

Little seven:
Put yourself in other's shoes! Your perspective is highly different than others as we commonly think differently. Try to imagine yourself in someone's life! You'll grow wiser as well as more compassionate! You'll feel so much better about yourself, your life, and you will appreciate what is around you.

Little eight:
Get serious, real when it comes to love! It's only an idea that you have one "soul mate". Even if you went through a really tough breakup or lost someone, there's no reason not to believe you are capable of loving another. G.S Saw said about marriage, that it's "based on the exaggeration of one woman's value about all others."

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul." -Brigitte Nicole

~Bella