Enzo's Birthday... Another brother...

Happy Birthday to my younger brother, Enzo, turning 8, today!

My favourite number, and my toughest school year...

I was back in France for 2nd grade or what we call, CE1. The year where I couldn't stand the teacher much, the same year where I started to stop doing my homework, where I knew exactly what I wanted to do when I grow up... The same year where I started to "love" a boy. I wasn't the easiest kid around, even if I kept amazing grades, succeeding each exam, my stubbornness overcame me all the time.
It was the year where the only thing I wanted to do is watch tv shows about crime and lawyers, law and detective work. Being able to defend the victims, bring justice and some peace to people. That's all I wanted, maybe I was relating my private life through what I wanted to do, but all I knew was that I was the only kid who thought about such a complex job. The drawing surprised the teacher... It was the same year, where I would read adult books while kids my age were still trying to figure out how to read correctly.

I was a stubborn little 8 years old girl, hopefully, my brother will be less of a stubborn kid.

"Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer."

~Bella

Watch out for the wall...

As you already know if you read my very early on posts, I'm a hopeless romantic...
http://onemorecupidtothelist.blogspot.com/2016/05/do-you-have-twin-because-i-technically.html

Sadly, I've been keeping all my feelings away, locked behind walls to protect myself from outside pain, love. The internal pain has been eating me alive, but I'm dealing with it... Hopefully.

That protection wall you build after many heartaches or just a single one... The one that keeps you from getting attached too quickly, feeling all these emotions too easily, deeply falling in love with someone before knowing them a bit more than after just a few questions. I've learned to keep a lot to myself instead of letting myself go completely!
You would think it's smart, and it is, indeed. Instead of getting attached to someone who is here to play around, you move on quickly! It's just slightly annoying and frustrating, especially when you have an extraordinary person in front of you, proving you every day that he didn't come into your life to hurt you, but to make you happy!

We often mistake the wall around us, thinking it's there to guard us, to keep the pain away, but all it does it keep love away! You don't want to let your true self out, the wall keeps who you are away from others, it has nothing to do with your heart! Sadly, keeping up a wall doesn't do much good, in order to start liking, loving someone, you need to take down some bricks. 

In order to take this wall, brick by brick, you have to know what YOU want! You can be shy, guarded, have low self-esteem, but you have desires. Don't be scared of asking for what you truly want! Take the risk of becoming who you truly want! For instance, to make it more clear, you WANT to be courageous, you like that person, but you keep your distance away, it's understandable, you're shy and you probably already have that rejection scenario in your head, but what you want is to get courageous enough to go out there and tell the girl you like her! Take that risk, if you don't go out there, you will never know if it could work! 
Look at me, I want a relationship, but I don't let go and tell them, I back away, afraid... I don't let my desires come up to the surface, and I'm missing out on the opportunity of something beyond amazing! 

We believe that things will never change and that our past predicts our future. We think we will be rejected because it happened once or twice before. We are wrong! Sorry, but we are, people change, people grow up, each person is different, so don't think that every situation will end the same way! 
I have the same issue! I've been so afraid of guys becoming my father's image, that each time I see something they do or say that my father has said or did in the past, I back away and think they will be just like him. I don't want to compare anyone to him, but I do it unconsciously. Indeed, we have similarities, but each human being is different, act, think, say things differently. One similarity doesn't make everyone the same! I understand how each one of us is unique, but somehow I manage to overlook this important fact and let my past control my present and future at the same time. Don't make the same mistake as I am doing right now. 

In order to let go of that wall, start saying NO! 
In relationships, I used to give details to each of my answers, I would talk in circles, but ended up losing my partner in the middle of the conversation. The NO and YES answers are easier to answer, and it gets your point across a lot quicker! Walls protects us from sharing back stories. You don't want to share just say, "No" or "Yes". You never have to explain something to someone if you don't feel like it! Walls are here to hide who we are away from other people. We are afraid to answer straightforward questions so we push or avoid getting too close to anyone who might ask questions like these...
"Do you like me?"
"Do you want a relationship?"
"Why are you still single?"
Start saying these simple two words instead of sharing things you don't want to share at the moment, it's destroying you slowly, hurting you. Not healthy if you ask me! You may have had a traumatic experience in the past and you don't want to share, it's understandable, so say," No, I don't want to answer at the moment." Less painful, trust me! And if you are the person who asks these questions, don't try and force someone to answer in more details, you will end up making them run away!

Start choosing love over fear! 
Seeing someone as dating can be scary, and love... Terrifying! 
After my breakup, I was shattered, completely numb, empty from feelings. I did put all my walls back up because I gave all of myself to my ex, and he did hurt me. In my head, I was like, "I gave every bit of me to a person who destroyed me in a matter of a second, why should I take the risk of getting hurt again?"
A lot has come my way since then! Now, I have an amazing, wonderful, understanding, patient, loving person in front of me, trying to tell me he wants to take the risk of loving me, and I'm backing away, choosing fear over love! I became creative in order to keep that person away, I was brutally honest, spoke my mind freely instead of watching out for what I

was saying, I even became mean (when I'm the opposite)! He stuck around, though... Surprisingly! I did everything I could think of to get this guy to run away... And he was managing on staying! I don't know how he stayed, honestly, I wouldn't have! Funny thing is... I had two sides in my head, one saying he needs to back off, run away, and the other was saying, please let this guy in, let him love you like you want to love him... I'm difficult! 
In order to feel love, and be in love, you need to stop running away from pain, you need to let people in. Just because someone did hurt you before doesn't mean this one will hurt you the same way or even hurt you at all. Pursue pleasure, pure pleasure and only give yourself completely to the people that you think can give that pleasure to you. And anyone who can give that pleasure should be welcomed! 

To conclude, putting walls is smart, but if you have that one little voice in your head telling you, "Let him [her] in", open up, and let yourself go bit by bit! If you don't, you might regret it later on. Passing by a great love story and have that happy ending is a choice, you have to choose love over fear! 

Don't be like me! I think I don't deserve to be happy, to have a love story because I didn't do anything to get that! So I'm passing by opportunities, one by one, choosing to keep these walls around, not letting all my feelings out... And instead of being happy, I'm destroying myself. I keep telling myself how stupid I am for believing an amazing guy, like the one in front of me, will ever be interested in someone as idiotic, destructive as me. The painful part of it all is the fact that all the feelings that I have for the guy is beyond anything I experienced before. I always thought I did love the other people, but I never truly did, and I feel it now... It's scary, indeed, but I shouldn't let that fear rule me. I should start loving and be completely myself because what I'm feeling is actual love. 

"Sometimes all you need is one person that shows you that it's okay to let your guard down, be yourself, and love with no regrets."

~Bella

Want to go at the party?

If you don't know me or want to learn a little about me this might just do the trick!

You know what an introvert is? Right? Well if you aren't sure here is the definition (in my own words and what I think it is, based on myself)...
A shy person who prefers to spend time alone away from the crowd doing their own thing.

The online definition, in my opinion, wasn't right! My only concern isn't my own thoughts or feelings, it's actually the opposite! I don't care much about myself, I'm more the over caring about others type of person! So the definition is wrong for my part! It will teach me to always look up definitions online...


I'm an introvert! Alright, to be more precise I'm in between the introvert and extrovert... I'm mostly made up of introvert "genes".

Let's say that instead of going to parties or go drink at a local bar (I ain't 21 yet so I can't do that in the US), I will just stay cozy at home or with a person or two having fun outside or something. The idea of being around more than five people is considered a crowd to me and anxiety builds up quickly, I feel uncomfortable... But then again, I can totally make it work. I went to Las Vegas last summer for a convention with my "big sister" and I was alone with a bunch of strangers for the most part of the day and I felt completely fine! So I guess it depends on my mood as well... If I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, don't blame me just blame the bed...

Being an introvert has its perks, though, we will make fewer insults, make less social gaffes... Obviously, if you are with someone that doesn't know you, you will be judged and they won't try to understand you. That's far from being a perk, but they can't read your mind so just tell them that you don't feel comfortable around too many people. 

The first time I realized that I was more the introvert type of girl is when back in high school I decided to leave and do homeschooling. I would do better by myself than listening to people teach me and work with others. It was an eye-opening, and then I saw that there was plenty more situation that could have led me to realize it sooner. I would always or most the time, decline a party invite when I knew there was going to be lots of people. Or when I would lock myself in my room without the outside world, I was more on my computer (I still kind of do that at times, I miss being by myself and prefer to lock myself in). My experience of growing up wasn't at all like most kids, I had to grow up faster, mature quicker than most people my age. I didn't do crazy things, rebel on my parents, or anything a young teenager would do. In my opinion, I became introvert when I came in California, not speaking the language, feeling alone not understood by anyone. It made my teenage years quite different... I had family issues to deal with and I couldn't concentrate on friends. It's not like I was a loner, far from it, but I wasn't spending as much time as I should have. Now I regret it a little. Sometimes,  I want to do it all over again and mature up just like the others... But time traveling hasn't been a success to anyone yet, so I'm quite glad I mature up it makes me talk to older people more. That's pretty nice :)
The funny thing is I still have my extrovert side that shows up once in a while. I talk to people more, and I can meet new acquaintance easily. That side isn't really put in front, though, you may get lucky if I choose to talk to you. I tend to be careful on who I talk to in general.

Just because I can be unsocial doesn't mean I can't party and talk to people normally. It doesn't mean I never go outside, I actually try my best to get out (even though right now it's more the hiding from the sun part that keeps me inside, ha-ha), and it certainly not mean I can't live a normal life. It's not a disease or disorder! So stop judging! There's plenty of us on this planet, and even though not everyone understands us, we make the best out of it.

"Solitude matters, and for some people, it's the air they breathe." -Susan Cain

~Bella

The disappointment is real...

As you may know, relationships to me are quite important, to be honest, I prefer to be in a relationship than being alone. Don't get me wrong, I love being single, but if I could choose, being with someone else and giving all my love to that one person is amazing! 

But then you also know that somehow I get disappointed, played around with, and let's just stop there. All you have to know is that no matter how much I try my best, I get f***** over fast! Thank you, they are great life lessons... Sadly, I ain't a fan of them, next time just don't play around, I ain't the type! 
After thinking about it all for a bit, I remembered that eleven or twelves years ago, I had made a list of what I was looking for in a guy. 


The list was quite long, but here's pretty much what I wrote back when I was younger. 
- Blue or green eyes (that's kind of still the case, I prefer those colored eyes)
- Taller than me (that won't be an issue)
- Have some acknowledgement of football (soccer) or at played before
- Can't fear blood because I do
- European or have some European in the guy, an Italian is preferrable (ha-ha)
- He can't like country
- Love animals
- A hopeless romantic 
- Honest and loyal
- Overly affectionate, but not the suffocating type either 
- Funny but at the same time intelligent enough to hold a conversation
- Must love kids or planning on having some in the future
- Family type of guy 
- Movie addict
- Sweet and charming
- Have the cutest smile
- A guy that can give me butterflies each time he calls my name

You can figure out the rest, but honestly, I don't think it has changed much... Just kidding! I don't have anymore list, and don't look at your eye color or if you don't fear blood. I don't care much anymore. I ain't as demanding as I may have been in the past. Santa Cleopatra, what was I thinking?
Having a type of person we are interested in is normal, like some would prefer muscular while others thin guys... Nerdy vs. Goofy... Or even blond or black hair... We get attracted to the similar type of person in general, but making a list and expecting something will only make it worse for you! You won't be happy, you will only destroy yourself, thinking that you will NEVER find the right one! Just because you make a list doens't mean you'll find "the guy of your dreams" or "the girl of your dreams".  Love will finds its way to you just take the time!

The perfect other half doesn't exist, no one is exactly like you imagine! Everyone has flaws and we all have to deal with them, you are the first one to have some. I mean I've done the list younger, it might have saved me some time to do other things than waste on stupid boys, but should I follow it now? 
Sure, I could try and get a few things like the football part (that's a must for me), but the other things like movie addict? No! 
There's pros and cons, it's for you to decide! Just know that no matter what you will find your king and queen at some point. Maybe it will 

"I ever had a speech from my father 'this is what you must do or shouldn't do' but I just learned to be led by example. My father wasn't perfect." -Adam Sandler.

~Bella

Just a song...

I didn't know what to write about, and my mind has been taken over a birthday present for my dear mother that I love! 

This morning, I was in the car listening to this song by Circa Waves, very indie, but intriguing... I'm in love with this song, and I've been addicted to it, it's a nonstop playing song!

Music has saved me from a lot of trouble I would have gotten into. I started playing piano at a young age, stopped after my parents' divorce, and even though I was one of the talented people, I haven't played in years. Music is art, it's a way to escape reality, to keep you from going down the rabbit hole. Everyone has their type of music, and every type contribute to a passage in your life, each song describes a bit of you... 

My love by Circa Waves

I know it's not enough 

To be with you

Clinging to the walls

You can see through

And you need to reel in your tongue

'Cause I know it's not enough

To stay young

And I'm giving up my love

My love to something else

And I'm giving up my love

My love to something else

And you are like the waves

You pull me

Underneath the days

Twisting 

And I need to reel in some air

'Cause I know it's not enough

To get there (to get there)

And I'm giving up my love

My love to something else

And I'm giving up my love

My love to something else

And I can't speak for anyone but myself

And I can't speak for anyone but myself

I know it's not enough

To be with you

Yeah I know it's not enough

To be with you, to be with you

And I'm giving up my love

My love to something else

Oh

My love

My love to something else

Oh, my love

My love to something else

" Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without." -Confucius

~Bella

Knowing a little more about me...

I thought I would write 10 facts about me. Don't worry, I won't be writing about my hopeless romantic side again, I think you've got the point in an earlier post.
Knowing people can be quite complex as some would prefer to keep everything to themselves while some others may be open books, which means you know them without really having a conversation.
Getting to know someone isn't just hearing or seeing what they say or do, it's about knowing how to talk to them, learn how they may react in a situation...

In my case, this post is just ten facts about me that may be interesting to know. No promises, though. I'm very ordinary.

1.  I have been living in the past.

I don't live in the present or the future, I always look back at my past, wondering tons of questions, making me wonder if I had made the right choice. It's rather annoying to be living in the past because you cannot be happy, well at least I can't. People that are living in the past hold on to memories, good and bad ones. In my case, it's not a fear of the present or the future, or having a case of nostalgia! It's only because I'm familiar with my past. Take it, however, you feel like... 

2. One of my biggest phobias is abandonment.


Not the type where my parents leave me on the side of the road, but leaving me as in emotionally. To be less complicated, let me give you an example... In a breakup, I cannot deal with it, I break down, become empty, sad, depressed because it's like a version of abandonment. I'm afraid to be alone, and everyone leaving me. I know where the phobia comes from so at least it's good news, maybe one day it'll be better.

3. Each month I receive a Rolling Stone magazine.

I never subscribed to any girly magazines like whatever girls usually read. I'm into music and stories, not fashion and makeup. This magazine saved me a lot when I was traveling back and forth to Europe! No, I don't subscribe online, I feel like the touch of the paper is a lot more interesting than looking at a screen, I think I have enough of that all day.

4. Despite my love for art in general, reading and writing, I love to play video games.

Actually, last time I was at my friend's house, I finished playing The Walking Dead. This game isn't new, but the ending got me really frustrated! I couldn't deal with the fact that all my choices were bad! Like really bad! Obviously, the ending had to be sad! I think I actually played for four hours straight...

5. I may not eat a lot, and I don't eat every meal, but trust me I love food!

I think everyone loves food in general, but I've been hearing that I don't eat enough. Sadly, my stomach isn't big, I can only hold so much. No worries, I do eat, and can actually eat a lot if I really want to. Especially if it's Italian cuisine, then... You can say goodbye to me sharing my food! I'll be just like Joey Tribbiani from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I don't share my food!




6. I'm neither an introvert nor an extrovert, I'm in between!

I can be really shy, and prefer to stay in my room, alone without no one to bother me. Sometimes I'm the complete opposite! I'm more an outgoing person, who loves to be around people, drink, and party, enjoying myself. I tend to stay in my bubble away from new things because I'm scared. Then sometimes I come out of my comfort zone...
A little note of advice: Don't be afraid to be who you are, be an introvert or extrovert or both... Be sure that everyone is either one of those three!

7. I have a bad case of anxiety!

I might write a whole post about the case... So I won't go into much, details, but I can tell you that it is keeping me from living a perfectly normal life. It keeps me from doing things I should be doing. It's a part of me that controls a part of my life.

8. I tend to take responsibilities for other's mistakes.

I apologize and see when I'm wrong. I have no problems stating I was wrong if I am indeed wrong. It might be hard to get it out of me, but you will get a meaningful apology. If something goes the opposite direction, and something bad happens, I will take the fall and take full on responsibility for everyone. Not a quality! I'm not entirely sure why I always take the blame for people, maybe I'm just too nice... If you have an idea please comment below, I would love some insight! 

9. I pick up on accents rather quickly.

I have to write a post about this as well... It's hilarious to some people like my friend Ryan and well, Tyler as well, think I sound like Hermione Granger from Harry Potter! If you are reading this,Ryan, thank you, now I got it stuck in my head and I try my best to keep the British accent under surveillance.  It's bugging me to not have a French accent anymore.

10. I don't throw anything away and if I do,  I've got reasons to support it. 

I'm the type of person that keeps everything close to me, like a box of souvenirs but a larger one. For example, I still have a friend's shirt. I haven't talked to him in a long time, but I'm keeping his shirt. Or random papers... I've moved houses quite often, and each time I was the one with the big mess. 

There you go, a few little facts about little me. I'm nothing special, just a writer who happens to be herself. No surprises... I wouldn't say I'm an open book, but I'm not going to fake a personality to please anyone. 

" Finding oneself was a misnomer; a self is not found but made." - Jacques Barzun

~Bella

Wait a minute...

Patience... What a word!

Patience is the ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay...
To be less dictionary specific, being patience is a quality that not everyone has! I would know a lot about! 

It never is easy being patient, especially under certain circumstances, but the happy news is that it's a virtue that you can work on! Isn't' it exciting? 

Before I talk about me here's some tips to help you get this virtue on and that helped me a lot become less impatient! 

Little one -  Take a deep breath or two, it will never hurt anyone to take a few seconds to breathe deeply! 
Little two- Write down everything that comes into your head. If you don't like writing, just videotape you or record yourself!  
Little three-  Let go of the problem, if you cannot be patient, just let go, it's that easy! 
Little four- Listen to your surroundings and to yourself. That little voice in your head telling you to take it slow, listen to it! 
Little five- If you are a perfectionist, just stop, it will get you nowhere! Things cannot be perfect, no one can be perfect, just learn to manage your emotions, and everything will be alright at the end. 

To talk about my experience of being an impatient person I'll just share with you the time when I had to learn how to be patient. 
To begin, if you don't know me, I have what you call anxiety, an overload of stress that rushes throughout your body causing, sometimes, panic attacks. Not to make up an excuse for me being impatient, it didn't help at all. I couldn't see the big picture, always looking for the tiniest issue possible, making me impatient. When I started looking after my mother's friend's boys, I had to learn how to be patient, quickly, as you may already know kids themselves are impatient.  So, after learning how to listen to them, closely, and trying to explain a lot more why they would be in trouble, I've learned that it doesn't just happen with kids, you also have to give all your intention to people in general. It takes a lot of time to accomplish the listen skill part, but when you have it, oh, life is more beautiful! You can actually take a deep breath, look at the big picture, listen to your surroundings, and as Californians knows best "Take it easy". 

Being patient is a virtue that not many people can actually get as I've said before it's not easy! For instance, in love, you need a great deal of patience, if you don't have it, you can say goodbye to the relationship. I'm still learning, I haven't fully got the chance to be the most patient person that is passed a certain age. See I can be very patient when it comes kids from the age of birth to 10 years old.  Now, I just have to be patient with some adults in some situations. I still learn every day, and I can tell you one thing is that it is the hardest thing you can accomplish, but when it's done, you'll be proud! 

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."- Aristotle 

~Bella