Watch out for the wall...

As you already know if you read my very early on posts, I'm a hopeless romantic...
http://onemorecupidtothelist.blogspot.com/2016/05/do-you-have-twin-because-i-technically.html

Sadly, I've been keeping all my feelings away, locked behind walls to protect myself from outside pain, love. The internal pain has been eating me alive, but I'm dealing with it... Hopefully.

That protection wall you build after many heartaches or just a single one... The one that keeps you from getting attached too quickly, feeling all these emotions too easily, deeply falling in love with someone before knowing them a bit more than after just a few questions. I've learned to keep a lot to myself instead of letting myself go completely!
You would think it's smart, and it is, indeed. Instead of getting attached to someone who is here to play around, you move on quickly! It's just slightly annoying and frustrating, especially when you have an extraordinary person in front of you, proving you every day that he didn't come into your life to hurt you, but to make you happy!

We often mistake the wall around us, thinking it's there to guard us, to keep the pain away, but all it does it keep love away! You don't want to let your true self out, the wall keeps who you are away from others, it has nothing to do with your heart! Sadly, keeping up a wall doesn't do much good, in order to start liking, loving someone, you need to take down some bricks. 

In order to take this wall, brick by brick, you have to know what YOU want! You can be shy, guarded, have low self-esteem, but you have desires. Don't be scared of asking for what you truly want! Take the risk of becoming who you truly want! For instance, to make it more clear, you WANT to be courageous, you like that person, but you keep your distance away, it's understandable, you're shy and you probably already have that rejection scenario in your head, but what you want is to get courageous enough to go out there and tell the girl you like her! Take that risk, if you don't go out there, you will never know if it could work! 
Look at me, I want a relationship, but I don't let go and tell them, I back away, afraid... I don't let my desires come up to the surface, and I'm missing out on the opportunity of something beyond amazing! 

We believe that things will never change and that our past predicts our future. We think we will be rejected because it happened once or twice before. We are wrong! Sorry, but we are, people change, people grow up, each person is different, so don't think that every situation will end the same way! 
I have the same issue! I've been so afraid of guys becoming my father's image, that each time I see something they do or say that my father has said or did in the past, I back away and think they will be just like him. I don't want to compare anyone to him, but I do it unconsciously. Indeed, we have similarities, but each human being is different, act, think, say things differently. One similarity doesn't make everyone the same! I understand how each one of us is unique, but somehow I manage to overlook this important fact and let my past control my present and future at the same time. Don't make the same mistake as I am doing right now. 

In order to let go of that wall, start saying NO! 
In relationships, I used to give details to each of my answers, I would talk in circles, but ended up losing my partner in the middle of the conversation. The NO and YES answers are easier to answer, and it gets your point across a lot quicker! Walls protects us from sharing back stories. You don't want to share just say, "No" or "Yes". You never have to explain something to someone if you don't feel like it! Walls are here to hide who we are away from other people. We are afraid to answer straightforward questions so we push or avoid getting too close to anyone who might ask questions like these...
"Do you like me?"
"Do you want a relationship?"
"Why are you still single?"
Start saying these simple two words instead of sharing things you don't want to share at the moment, it's destroying you slowly, hurting you. Not healthy if you ask me! You may have had a traumatic experience in the past and you don't want to share, it's understandable, so say," No, I don't want to answer at the moment." Less painful, trust me! And if you are the person who asks these questions, don't try and force someone to answer in more details, you will end up making them run away!

Start choosing love over fear! 
Seeing someone as dating can be scary, and love... Terrifying! 
After my breakup, I was shattered, completely numb, empty from feelings. I did put all my walls back up because I gave all of myself to my ex, and he did hurt me. In my head, I was like, "I gave every bit of me to a person who destroyed me in a matter of a second, why should I take the risk of getting hurt again?"
A lot has come my way since then! Now, I have an amazing, wonderful, understanding, patient, loving person in front of me, trying to tell me he wants to take the risk of loving me, and I'm backing away, choosing fear over love! I became creative in order to keep that person away, I was brutally honest, spoke my mind freely instead of watching out for what I

was saying, I even became mean (when I'm the opposite)! He stuck around, though... Surprisingly! I did everything I could think of to get this guy to run away... And he was managing on staying! I don't know how he stayed, honestly, I wouldn't have! Funny thing is... I had two sides in my head, one saying he needs to back off, run away, and the other was saying, please let this guy in, let him love you like you want to love him... I'm difficult! 
In order to feel love, and be in love, you need to stop running away from pain, you need to let people in. Just because someone did hurt you before doesn't mean this one will hurt you the same way or even hurt you at all. Pursue pleasure, pure pleasure and only give yourself completely to the people that you think can give that pleasure to you. And anyone who can give that pleasure should be welcomed! 

To conclude, putting walls is smart, but if you have that one little voice in your head telling you, "Let him [her] in", open up, and let yourself go bit by bit! If you don't, you might regret it later on. Passing by a great love story and have that happy ending is a choice, you have to choose love over fear! 

Don't be like me! I think I don't deserve to be happy, to have a love story because I didn't do anything to get that! So I'm passing by opportunities, one by one, choosing to keep these walls around, not letting all my feelings out... And instead of being happy, I'm destroying myself. I keep telling myself how stupid I am for believing an amazing guy, like the one in front of me, will ever be interested in someone as idiotic, destructive as me. The painful part of it all is the fact that all the feelings that I have for the guy is beyond anything I experienced before. I always thought I did love the other people, but I never truly did, and I feel it now... It's scary, indeed, but I shouldn't let that fear rule me. I should start loving and be completely myself because what I'm feeling is actual love. 

"Sometimes all you need is one person that shows you that it's okay to let your guard down, be yourself, and love with no regrets."

~Bella

Even from far there's always an European by my side...

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a friend/twin back in Italy who is like two years older than me, but that doesn't stop us from being amazing... I know it is far, an entire ocean separating us, and yet we find a way to stay close to each other, kind of, in our own ways. Thank you mostly for Whatsapp and Skype!

Being two hopeless romantics, who happens to help one another, smile even when mad at each other is what one may call a strong bond.
Let me tell you all about our friendship because how far as being funny, it's also sweet!

We've known each other for quite some time now, more than a year for sure, and still laugh at our stupidity. We both love soccer and yet we managed to hate each other on the fact that we love two different teams, I'm a Juventus fan and he's more a Torino fan... We ALL know that Juventus is way better than Torino, I mean they are both from Torino (Turin), but my team is better! And I don't miss an opportunity to tease him about it, deep down he loves it ;). I must say I really enjoy showing him my Juventus scarf, it's amazing and warm... And hurtful to his eyes. Ha-ha
Our bond is usually really strong when it comes to EVERYTHING! The sweet messages, and the truth being said, I don't think you can ask anything else. I mean, who wouldn't want to receive a message saying "Sei la cosa più dolce che mi sia mai capitata." Which roughly means, " You are the sweetest thing that ever happened to me." How can you stop talking to someone who is sweet and there for you? It's impossible! 

A few weeks ago, I managed to get worried about him, to the point where I got really angry, and still to this day want to slap him for making me worried sick! When two people are far from each other, it's easy to get worried, so if you are reading this, don't be mad... I just care! We even disappointed each other... Hey, we all make mistakes, I'm still an angel with a little devil inside, it won't be coming out soon, no worries.

What's funny about our friendship is that even from a long distance we know exactly how the other person is feeling. I know it's sounds odd, but let me tell you, he knows when something is wrong with me, but he won't push me to tell him what's up. Which somehow makes me smile quite big, I don't need to tell him much, he knows...
Yesterday, Sunday 22nd of May, we skyped for about an hour, laughing and talking about pretty much everything. It was passed two in the morning for him, oh but let me share how energetic he was! After telling me how many coffees he had during the day, I understood why he couldn't stay put.  Behind the Italian accent and the way he talks with his hands... I couldn't stop laughing! I'm used to hearing his very cute accent, but I love how he makes tiny mistakes when he speaks English. No matter how hard I try not to laugh, sometimes I can't hold it in, he will look for certain words forever, and if I don't figure it out, he will just drop the subject or just say it in Italian. Lucky him, I'm not too horrible when it comes to understanding it, reading is easier, though!
So, usually I eat something during our video chats, I'm not sure why, but I always have something in my mouth, either candy or just cookies, but yesterday beside my very tired face and my messy hair, nothing much happened. I was not such a great mood, mostly depressed, and didn't really feel like talking about myself, so he ended up making me laugh without doing anything. By the way, have you ever had trouble zipping a jacket? Because he did! Me, being sarcastic, offered a hand, I couldn't stop laughing, he couldn't zip his jacket, and even took two minutes to finally zip it up. What a great look, though! I really liked that jacket!
Friendships are easy, and you know you can count on certain ones to make you smile. Fights end quickly, and you may end up laughing at nothing. Even yesterday, I'm not sure if I was making a face or not, as he often says that I have millions of facial expressions, he was laughing and trying to imitate me. Apparently he has a new favorite face, the one I look mad, but not like crazy mad, just slightly frowning and looking at him like "What is wrong with you"... Santa Cleopatra, it's hard to imitate my facial expressions and I end up laughing at him if he does try. The best part is that no matter how bad you may look, he always says "You're beautiful". Honestly, it's a boost of confidence that rush in, and I cannot complain! 

To end this post, I want to thank him for everything that he has been doing for me, from being serious to stupid. Yes, he is blond, dirty blond, but he is far from stupid. I just love to tease him... Just like I love to be myself in front of him. I love how I pick up on his accent and end up saying his sayings like " Don't say baloney". It's part of my daily speech. I have come up with the weirdest expressions ever and if I say it in front of an American, they look at me like I'm an alien. Like the one he said yesterday, it's not the first time I heard it because I know I've used it before but " I have a fresh brain." I'm sure Americans have a similar expression, but this one, come on, it must be Italian expressions. It's funny, but I have to thank him for that! If you are still reading this post, you have all the credits!

Little side note... There's so much to talk about, that I highly think I'm going to have to post quite a lot about our strong bonds, and there'll be other post about my friend and myself. So don't think it's the end because it's not :). 

" ... Strong bonds are forged in high emotional temperatures. " -Dervla Murphy
~Bella

Do you have a twin because I technically don't have one...

Twins are either of two people closely related to or closely resembling each other...

I do have siblings, but I'm the oldest and sadly, I ain't a twin. I wish, though!

A couple weeks ago, I realized that I do have a twin, well technically nota twin but a friend that is kind of just like me, when it comes to love!
Despite the fact that I'm very angry at him, and even though, he is all the way in Italy, I cannot stop thinking how similar we are when it comes to love. 
He once told me "Chi si definisce ultimo romantico, crede nel''amore vero, quello che dura per sempre. Crede che quando ci si innamore si hanno occhi solamente per quella persona... Un amore passionale, sfrenato, portato al limite ma con una base di rispetto reciproco." 
Which pretty much roughly translate as, " Who defines the ultimate romantic, believes in true love, the one that lasts forever. He believes that when you fall in love you only have eyes for that person... A passionate love, unbridled, brought to the limit, but with a base of mutual respect." 
Now I skipped a few passage of the message because it didn't seem that important. 

He calls it the ultimate romantic while we call it the hopeless romantic. Either way, it means the same thing. I've always defined myself as a hopeless romantic, and it won't change anytime soon as I love, love itself. What it means, is it's a person who is in love with love, who believes in fairy tales and happy endings. They are defined as sentimental dreamers that spend their time thinking about spending the rest of their lives with a person. To them, it's not just about one person being loved, it's about giving and receiving love. Hopeless romantics give 100% of their time. 

They are to the person they love, and they hope for the same in return. 

My friend, who is Italian, happen to be the exact same way! Let's start by saying that we love to give and receive flowers, a box of chocolates, it may seem old style, but we love it! 
We give everything we have to the person we care and love, then we are the one to get brutally hurt. Being a hopeless romantic isn't easy at all, it usually ends in heartbreaks and disappointments. I've seen heartbreaks many times before, but the ones that are the hardest to overcome are the ones who are deeply, romantically involved! They hold on to the hope that things will get better, that love will conquer all, and overlook the truth, believe that their partner is better than they really are. Sadly, it's just a fantasy of them. 

I've been dealing with my friend and his broken heart for over a month now and trust me it's the most difficult thing to do. You can't just tell a hopeless romantic "It's over, move on, she wasn't good enough for you, you're better off without her around..." It will make it worse for them as they still hold on to that hope of something working out! Being careful around them and giving your time to try and make them happy is all you can do. They will realize what you are saying, but it does take time. I see myself in him, a lot, and it opens my eyes to the fact that hopeless romantic are meant to be with other hopeless romantics. I'm glad to have him as a friend because we can understand each other and help one another through difficult times. We know we can count on each other for little sweet messages... It's not every day that your Italian friend says, "Ricevere il tuo messaggio questa mattina è stata una delle cose più belle che mi siano capitate negli ultimi tempi..." " Receving your message this morning was one of the best things that happened in recent times."
Heartbreaks and being a hopeless romantic is one of the most difficult obstacles of life.
After being heartbroken so many times before, I bottle every bit of my feelings inside, nothing gets let out. Holding on to a hope that disappear each minute that passes by. I'm sure all my feelings are going to explode, one day, and it will be a huge disaster that I won't be able to control of. Romance... Such a beautiful and terrifying thing. 

Quick note, don't think we don't have any issues, here's some that only hopeless romantics have to deal with once in their lives. 
1. Santa, Cleopatra, we give ourselves completely to the other person and give 100% of what we have to the relationship! 
2. We wear our heart on our sleeves, we give it too easily and so openly that it gets broken in an instant! 
3. If someone says something cute, romantic or cheesy, it stays with us for the rest of our lives. We don't forget what you have said, it's still in our mind! Watch out we might bring it up to you. 
4. We already know what our wedding will be like! Yes, we have been thinking about it, and us, girls already looked for a wedding dress... 

See we've got issues :P 

Don't try to change or destroy a hopeless romantic. Let them be who they are, but don't try and change yourself either, if you aren't a romantic, just don't it push! 

"I will always be the hopeless romantic, more often pathetic than heroic."- Chris Lowell

~Bella