Don't be fooled!

If you have been on my blog before, reading for quite some times now, you already know I've got a bad case of anxiety. If you are rather new and didn't read previous posts... Well, I have bad anxiety.

On Saturday afternoon, my mum decided to come in a store with me, curious to see. It was fine with me, I don't complain, but this time, she observed my behavior. Next thing I know I get commented, telling me that I get too excited, that I show too much of excitment and it can be scary to people, to people who don't know me. Did she expecte me to be alright with such a comment, because let's be honest here, she didn't just say that, she went deeper, and I ain't the tough young woman who doesn't care about what people say, especially coming from her mother! I love her, don't get me wrong, I love how she is honest, but sometimes she forgets that behind my tough shell, there's a sensitive, emotional person! I took the comments in such a bad way that I just decided to ignore her and went back to work without saying anything to her.
When I'm angry, and don't want to say something I will regret later on, I just shut it, prefer to keep it all for myself.
That Saturday afternoon went on without me being bubbly and I even dropped something on the floor, out of anxiety ( I blame the customers that had just come in that day, long story short, bad experience with these ones a while back, and the guy recognized me...) I have no idea what happened in order to drop everything. After that, I felt sick in my stomach, I couldn't deal with it all.

I apparently appear all happy, bubbly, then drop back to being me, mature, the childish side goes away quickly.

My anxiety came a few weeks after my parents divorced, not a great time, if it was up to me, I would prefer to forget about that time and the following couple of years, but I can't. I didn't understand everything, didn't see everything clearly. Being ten years of age and trying to figure out adult words, arguements, it can be quite challenging. Every divorces may cause a trauma to the children, some kids grow up faster, others rebel against everyone and everything. I was in the growing up too fast category. I had to take on responsibilities that weren't mine to take, I had to learn how to be a "mother" before I knew what junior high was all about. I've always told myself, there's always worse than yourself on this planet. Some don't get to sleep in a bed, others can't even find food or fresh water. Complaining about it all didn't seem right, but I was still affected by the consequence of the divorce. A couple months after my mother separated my father, things turned into a living nightmare, my father isn't the best on the planet, sometimes I wish he wasn't my father, I actually don't even have contacts with him anymore, not that he tries anything or care about me either. My mother's divorce wasn't the cause, but the consequences following the procedure, my father's behavior made me have anxiety, panic attacks.

The very first panic attack was back at his home, in the kitchen, I was cooking something for my brother's lunch, when I saw my father from the window. I felt my heart race, my breathing got unsteady, almost out of breath, I fell down on the kitchen floor. My head was spinning like I was in a club, drunk. Couldn't get up, crying on my knees, not understanding what was going on with me. Since, then my anxiety has been coming and going as it pleases. I never wanted to take pills (medication), always afraid to get addicted to them.

So when my mum decided to be herself, honest, and slightly mean, teasing me about the way I was hyper a few seconds and the next mature serious one... The only answer I could give her is "Anxiety."
Instead of crying my eyes out, or saying something ridiculous, I start being a little jumpy bug. It sounds extremely ridiculous and I must look like an idiot! Thanks mum for giving me this low self esteem boost!
This is just a piece of the entire story, but having anxiety, dealing with it by yourself is a tough job. Anxiety is serious, it affects people's lives, it surely does to mine. Even my dear mother think it's because I act like a bloody idiot, childish even for one second and the next I'm more mature than a twenty eight years old woman, that I cannot get a man in my life and keep him. Thanks again for such a boost of optimism! Now, it surely does sound like I'll be alone for a long time... JK! Hopefully not, I'm still young, but I kow how anxiety works on me, and it does destroy a lot.

People don't need to always have anxiety either, I don't blame my disorder entirely for the quick bubbly to mature and serious behavior that I show people. It's a mechanism, a way of hiding the truth, hiding the fact that I'm hurting in order to keep people from thinking I'm just a sad person. Don't be fooled by bubbly people, some automatically have that personality to hide a lot more than you may expect. I'm not saying everyone does, there are some people that are just very hyper and talkative.
In my case and a friend's case, I know that our bubbly side, especially my friend's, it's to hide something darker than what he let others known. It seems like I'm doing the same, but adding that anxiety that ruins a part of it.

Next time you see a really happy person, smiley, or bubbly, don't just think it's their personality, it may be more than you may imagine! Keep your ears open in case you may hear a slight change in their voice. I know my voice gets shaky at times, and I lose my words as well...

"She's got the eyes of innocence; the face of an angel. A personality of a dreamer and a smile that hides more pain than you can ever imagine."

~Bella

Is that body art?

When someone refers a tattoo by a body art, I know that they somewhat either have some themselves or love them! When you mention body art to someone they look at you like you are an alien or they just ignore the fact of your mentioning tattoos. These situations are rather common from what I can see. 
Two men were talking behind where I was sitting, taking notes, minding my own business. I happen to have ears that love to be curious so I didn't control what I heard and what I didn't. The conversation was around two adults about one of their teenagers, don't ask me if it was a teenage boy or girl, I have no clue! One the man was very frustrated almost looked worried while the other was confident, seemed more relaxed than the other! The calm guy mentioned "body arts" while the other was staring at him in an odd way. I looked at them both wondering who had tattoos and who didn't... Surprise, surprise, the one that said "body arts" had two sleeves while the other didn't have any visible ones. 

Before I had tattoos myself, I didn't pay attention to people that had them or didn't even bothered listening to how people view them. I always liked tattoos, always thought it was some type of art, but it wasn't such a big deal at the time. Now, I have three, planning more and I cannot stop looking at everyone's tattoos! It's becoming an addiction that grows stronger each time. I've gotten ADDICTED! When people say the pain that tattoos cause is addicting, you better believe them! You will never see a person with just one tattoo, it's either two or more!

My first one is on my wrist, two zodiac signs, love them to bits, have to get them touch up, eventually, but.... Not right now! I was a real disaster when I got it, the pain wasn't as bad as everyone would say, but the noise made me jumpy, almost screamed "bloody murder", poor tattoo artist!
The second one is a bit more special... It's a quote, one I wrote myself, translated by my really amazing Italian friend in Italian (so if there is a mistake it's his fault ha-ha), with a feather pen at the end! I'm a writer, I love Italian, so I just had to, it's me. Want to know the quote on the back of my right shoulder... Ask me.
My third one isn't entirely a mistake, at the time it meant a lot! Still, means a lot , it proved me how much and how far I can go with someone I love. It's a name, and I am indeed thinking of covering it up because it is painful to live with it especially if you want to move on. Lucky me, I love the name, I can deal with the fact that is it on my chest. 

So to get this chest tattoo covered up I was thinking about symbols from where I'm from! Yes, I'm Celtic meaning I've got Irish blood in me for sure! Brittany is a region in France, but it is the little Ireland of France, more Celtic than anything else. I highly prefer saying I'm Bretonne (people from Brittany) than French. A shamrock (the Irish symbol) and have another symbol to represent Brittany a little more to end with an Irish Gaelic word. I'm still looking for the right word to put on my chest as it is indeed a part of my body that gets to be seen more as I do wear tank tops. It's difficult to find the correct tattoo as it is permanent. One mistake is enough! 
I thought about removing it, but it will cost a lot, it will hurt more, and I want that name to be a reminder of certain things like don't make the same "mistake". Once is enough! Next time I put names on my body, it will be my kids' names as a bracelet.

Tattoos are a way to express our feelings, where we are from, what we did. It tells a story, at least my tattoos do. Many of us decide to get them as a reminder of a special event or a family culture... I actually have my friend's roommate who have his country tattooed on his back shoulder, Hawaii. An Island yes, but it is a country and he has it on him. I personally love it! People who have meaningful tattoos have amazing stories behind them as short as the story may be, they are still amazing to me! 

Obviously, they are people that have tattoos just for the fun of it. I was talking to someone over the phone last time and the guy told me he saw two girls have Pokemon on their body. Now, PokemonGo has been the addiction that everyone gets addicted to, but to tattoo your body with that... What are you going to tell your future kids? The funny thing was that apparently, they didn't even know how the Pokemon evolved or anything about it for that matter. You could at least know the name of your Pokemon tattoo. Idiotic, but can't judge, I've got an idiot side as well. I just wouldn't want to have a Charmander on my ankle!
Be careful on what you choose, don't regret anything, if you make a "mistake" just learn from it, tell it to people from experience and be sure you get what you think will last forever or else you are stuck with it, have to cover it up or erase them with the laser. 

For my part, I want that cover up tattoo, then an anchor with the letter "S" and "E" incorporated inside for my mum, Sonia and both of my brothers, Emilian and Enzo! The anchor is from Brittany as it is close to the sea, so it will remind me of how scared I am of water and how much I get seasick in boats. I actually just realize that when I'm typing this post. Smart me... 
Then I'm thinking about getting a simple plane on my left forearm as I do love to travel to places I love, and because planes have been impacting my life in many different ways. I want a souvenir of how much the experiences affected my personality, made me stronger as a person even if it's just a plane to people to me it has meanings. Finally, I would love to get a yin yang on my ankle. I've always been fascinated by it, the good and the evil, the light and the dark, the feminine and the masculine... It's also a reminder of how life and people are. My father isn't a good person whatsoever, but when I look at a yin yang, the dark side also has a bit of light, so if my father is awfully terrible, I know he has some good in him, hiding away, hopefully. Never give up on hope!

If you have ideas on what that Irish word should be, please tell me, I'm interested! I may have really amazing ideas, but we can't have enough of them!

"Tattoos have meanings even the ones you just find pretty! They are on your body for a reason. Art has stories so does tattoos!" 

~Bella

Watch out for the wall...

As you already know if you read my very early on posts, I'm a hopeless romantic...
http://onemorecupidtothelist.blogspot.com/2016/05/do-you-have-twin-because-i-technically.html

Sadly, I've been keeping all my feelings away, locked behind walls to protect myself from outside pain, love. The internal pain has been eating me alive, but I'm dealing with it... Hopefully.

That protection wall you build after many heartaches or just a single one... The one that keeps you from getting attached too quickly, feeling all these emotions too easily, deeply falling in love with someone before knowing them a bit more than after just a few questions. I've learned to keep a lot to myself instead of letting myself go completely!
You would think it's smart, and it is, indeed. Instead of getting attached to someone who is here to play around, you move on quickly! It's just slightly annoying and frustrating, especially when you have an extraordinary person in front of you, proving you every day that he didn't come into your life to hurt you, but to make you happy!

We often mistake the wall around us, thinking it's there to guard us, to keep the pain away, but all it does it keep love away! You don't want to let your true self out, the wall keeps who you are away from others, it has nothing to do with your heart! Sadly, keeping up a wall doesn't do much good, in order to start liking, loving someone, you need to take down some bricks. 

In order to take this wall, brick by brick, you have to know what YOU want! You can be shy, guarded, have low self-esteem, but you have desires. Don't be scared of asking for what you truly want! Take the risk of becoming who you truly want! For instance, to make it more clear, you WANT to be courageous, you like that person, but you keep your distance away, it's understandable, you're shy and you probably already have that rejection scenario in your head, but what you want is to get courageous enough to go out there and tell the girl you like her! Take that risk, if you don't go out there, you will never know if it could work! 
Look at me, I want a relationship, but I don't let go and tell them, I back away, afraid... I don't let my desires come up to the surface, and I'm missing out on the opportunity of something beyond amazing! 

We believe that things will never change and that our past predicts our future. We think we will be rejected because it happened once or twice before. We are wrong! Sorry, but we are, people change, people grow up, each person is different, so don't think that every situation will end the same way! 
I have the same issue! I've been so afraid of guys becoming my father's image, that each time I see something they do or say that my father has said or did in the past, I back away and think they will be just like him. I don't want to compare anyone to him, but I do it unconsciously. Indeed, we have similarities, but each human being is different, act, think, say things differently. One similarity doesn't make everyone the same! I understand how each one of us is unique, but somehow I manage to overlook this important fact and let my past control my present and future at the same time. Don't make the same mistake as I am doing right now. 

In order to let go of that wall, start saying NO! 
In relationships, I used to give details to each of my answers, I would talk in circles, but ended up losing my partner in the middle of the conversation. The NO and YES answers are easier to answer, and it gets your point across a lot quicker! Walls protects us from sharing back stories. You don't want to share just say, "No" or "Yes". You never have to explain something to someone if you don't feel like it! Walls are here to hide who we are away from other people. We are afraid to answer straightforward questions so we push or avoid getting too close to anyone who might ask questions like these...
"Do you like me?"
"Do you want a relationship?"
"Why are you still single?"
Start saying these simple two words instead of sharing things you don't want to share at the moment, it's destroying you slowly, hurting you. Not healthy if you ask me! You may have had a traumatic experience in the past and you don't want to share, it's understandable, so say," No, I don't want to answer at the moment." Less painful, trust me! And if you are the person who asks these questions, don't try and force someone to answer in more details, you will end up making them run away!

Start choosing love over fear! 
Seeing someone as dating can be scary, and love... Terrifying! 
After my breakup, I was shattered, completely numb, empty from feelings. I did put all my walls back up because I gave all of myself to my ex, and he did hurt me. In my head, I was like, "I gave every bit of me to a person who destroyed me in a matter of a second, why should I take the risk of getting hurt again?"
A lot has come my way since then! Now, I have an amazing, wonderful, understanding, patient, loving person in front of me, trying to tell me he wants to take the risk of loving me, and I'm backing away, choosing fear over love! I became creative in order to keep that person away, I was brutally honest, spoke my mind freely instead of watching out for what I

was saying, I even became mean (when I'm the opposite)! He stuck around, though... Surprisingly! I did everything I could think of to get this guy to run away... And he was managing on staying! I don't know how he stayed, honestly, I wouldn't have! Funny thing is... I had two sides in my head, one saying he needs to back off, run away, and the other was saying, please let this guy in, let him love you like you want to love him... I'm difficult! 
In order to feel love, and be in love, you need to stop running away from pain, you need to let people in. Just because someone did hurt you before doesn't mean this one will hurt you the same way or even hurt you at all. Pursue pleasure, pure pleasure and only give yourself completely to the people that you think can give that pleasure to you. And anyone who can give that pleasure should be welcomed! 

To conclude, putting walls is smart, but if you have that one little voice in your head telling you, "Let him [her] in", open up, and let yourself go bit by bit! If you don't, you might regret it later on. Passing by a great love story and have that happy ending is a choice, you have to choose love over fear! 

Don't be like me! I think I don't deserve to be happy, to have a love story because I didn't do anything to get that! So I'm passing by opportunities, one by one, choosing to keep these walls around, not letting all my feelings out... And instead of being happy, I'm destroying myself. I keep telling myself how stupid I am for believing an amazing guy, like the one in front of me, will ever be interested in someone as idiotic, destructive as me. The painful part of it all is the fact that all the feelings that I have for the guy is beyond anything I experienced before. I always thought I did love the other people, but I never truly did, and I feel it now... It's scary, indeed, but I shouldn't let that fear rule me. I should start loving and be completely myself because what I'm feeling is actual love. 

"Sometimes all you need is one person that shows you that it's okay to let your guard down, be yourself, and love with no regrets."

~Bella

Is that wisdom that I'm seeing?

No do not think about the wisdom people get after experiences, but the wisdom teeth...

I'm almost 20 years old, and wisdom teeth started growing. I hate going to the dentist so I avoid it as much as possible, but for a week now, the bottom wisdom tooth is growing and I'm in constant pain. 
I can deal with tattoo pain fine, but this pain is unbearable! 
To be clear, this post won't be long because I hate talking about my physical pain. Wisdom teeth are usually removed and I cannot see myself looking like a grape after they remove them. I can deal with having them in my mouth! After all, dentists can't really force you to remove them so I'm not preoccupied with this little issue. 

Since Monday, I've been dealing with the pain in various ways, first, I was on ice cream (still am, mostly because I love ice cream so much), then I went to whiskey or tequila (I don't do tequila usually but it makes it numb so,) on a cotton ball that I would be stuffed on the wisdom tooth. The perk of enjoying the taste of alcohol helps me a lot in this situation. And finally, today, I decided to warm up some water and throw salt in... A salty mouthwash! It made my pain better, doesn't numb it out like alcohol, but it's something. At least it's helpful... 
Other than that, now I can't laugh too hard or else I'll bite on my cheek, and make the pain even worse. I can't widely open my mouth or else it goes insane, so I'm stuck with mashed potatoes, and hot cocoa to fill my little stomach up. Good thing is I love mashed potatoes and really enjoy a cup of warm cocoa!!!! 
I don't know how you make your mashed potatoes, but mine is the best! I mash potatoes, add some milk, butter, salt and pepper, nutmeg, and parmesan cheese. Sounds odd, but trust me, it's delicious! It's light, cheesy, buttery and there's a little touch of nutmeg that makes the taste even better. My hot cocoa might also be different from what you are used to hearing... I add some "nesquick" to the milk, a hint of vanilla extract, a pinch of salt and warm up the combination. I love the salt and sweet taste together. They both fill me up completely and I'm proud to say that I do it all by myself ! :) And to finalize the hot cocoa, a tablespoon of Nutella... 

How do you make your hot cocoa?

Actually, last time I had a really good hot cocoa, besides mine, was at coffee bean! I'm not a fan of the place, but the cocoa is amazingly good. You should go and try it!

Let's come back to the wisdom tooth issue that has been bugging me for a week. 
I've heard stories about how the procedure goes, and how you wake up looking like you have grapes instead of cheeks and how you look really high on medication. Hearing all about it scares me away from doing anything to my wisdom teeth! I just cannot deal with the pain and cotton balls full of blood in my mouth... The only perk that would come out of that would be me eating mashed potatoes, ice cream and drinking hot cocoa. 
A friend of mine told me his story, and he got me freaked out! 
So he went to the surgery room, they put him to sleep and when he woke up he was bleeding out of his mouth. A little note about me: I faint or throw up when I see blood, I control it, but in this case I wouldn't survive. Good thing my friend isn't afraid of a little blood. He went back home, high, and looking like a champion. My friend can be quite stubborn and he loves meat. So you can guess that just eating mashed food isn't his cup of tea! He decided to go against the dentist advice and tried to chew up the meat. Horrible idea because he tasted blood while eating. This time, it wasn't good at all for him. Apparently, it ended in throwing up on the table from the taste of his own blood that was getting too intense, so he had to put more cotton balls in his mouth and drink smoothies for an entire week. 
He wasn't as lucky as my dear mother who had her wisdom teeth taken out, all four of them, and she could chew and nothing happened. She can be an alien at times, honestly, sometimes it looks like she is from another planet. 

What's your story? Or a story you've heard?

"Oh, you got your wisdom teeth removed? Must have been because you're such a smart mouth." 

~Bella