Don't be fooled!

If you have been on my blog before, reading for quite some times now, you already know I've got a bad case of anxiety. If you are rather new and didn't read previous posts... Well, I have bad anxiety.

On Saturday afternoon, my mum decided to come in a store with me, curious to see. It was fine with me, I don't complain, but this time, she observed my behavior. Next thing I know I get commented, telling me that I get too excited, that I show too much of excitment and it can be scary to people, to people who don't know me. Did she expecte me to be alright with such a comment, because let's be honest here, she didn't just say that, she went deeper, and I ain't the tough young woman who doesn't care about what people say, especially coming from her mother! I love her, don't get me wrong, I love how she is honest, but sometimes she forgets that behind my tough shell, there's a sensitive, emotional person! I took the comments in such a bad way that I just decided to ignore her and went back to work without saying anything to her.
When I'm angry, and don't want to say something I will regret later on, I just shut it, prefer to keep it all for myself.
That Saturday afternoon went on without me being bubbly and I even dropped something on the floor, out of anxiety ( I blame the customers that had just come in that day, long story short, bad experience with these ones a while back, and the guy recognized me...) I have no idea what happened in order to drop everything. After that, I felt sick in my stomach, I couldn't deal with it all.

I apparently appear all happy, bubbly, then drop back to being me, mature, the childish side goes away quickly.

My anxiety came a few weeks after my parents divorced, not a great time, if it was up to me, I would prefer to forget about that time and the following couple of years, but I can't. I didn't understand everything, didn't see everything clearly. Being ten years of age and trying to figure out adult words, arguements, it can be quite challenging. Every divorces may cause a trauma to the children, some kids grow up faster, others rebel against everyone and everything. I was in the growing up too fast category. I had to take on responsibilities that weren't mine to take, I had to learn how to be a "mother" before I knew what junior high was all about. I've always told myself, there's always worse than yourself on this planet. Some don't get to sleep in a bed, others can't even find food or fresh water. Complaining about it all didn't seem right, but I was still affected by the consequence of the divorce. A couple months after my mother separated my father, things turned into a living nightmare, my father isn't the best on the planet, sometimes I wish he wasn't my father, I actually don't even have contacts with him anymore, not that he tries anything or care about me either. My mother's divorce wasn't the cause, but the consequences following the procedure, my father's behavior made me have anxiety, panic attacks.

The very first panic attack was back at his home, in the kitchen, I was cooking something for my brother's lunch, when I saw my father from the window. I felt my heart race, my breathing got unsteady, almost out of breath, I fell down on the kitchen floor. My head was spinning like I was in a club, drunk. Couldn't get up, crying on my knees, not understanding what was going on with me. Since, then my anxiety has been coming and going as it pleases. I never wanted to take pills (medication), always afraid to get addicted to them.

So when my mum decided to be herself, honest, and slightly mean, teasing me about the way I was hyper a few seconds and the next mature serious one... The only answer I could give her is "Anxiety."
Instead of crying my eyes out, or saying something ridiculous, I start being a little jumpy bug. It sounds extremely ridiculous and I must look like an idiot! Thanks mum for giving me this low self esteem boost!
This is just a piece of the entire story, but having anxiety, dealing with it by yourself is a tough job. Anxiety is serious, it affects people's lives, it surely does to mine. Even my dear mother think it's because I act like a bloody idiot, childish even for one second and the next I'm more mature than a twenty eight years old woman, that I cannot get a man in my life and keep him. Thanks again for such a boost of optimism! Now, it surely does sound like I'll be alone for a long time... JK! Hopefully not, I'm still young, but I kow how anxiety works on me, and it does destroy a lot.

People don't need to always have anxiety either, I don't blame my disorder entirely for the quick bubbly to mature and serious behavior that I show people. It's a mechanism, a way of hiding the truth, hiding the fact that I'm hurting in order to keep people from thinking I'm just a sad person. Don't be fooled by bubbly people, some automatically have that personality to hide a lot more than you may expect. I'm not saying everyone does, there are some people that are just very hyper and talkative.
In my case and a friend's case, I know that our bubbly side, especially my friend's, it's to hide something darker than what he let others known. It seems like I'm doing the same, but adding that anxiety that ruins a part of it.

Next time you see a really happy person, smiley, or bubbly, don't just think it's their personality, it may be more than you may imagine! Keep your ears open in case you may hear a slight change in their voice. I know my voice gets shaky at times, and I lose my words as well...

"She's got the eyes of innocence; the face of an angel. A personality of a dreamer and a smile that hides more pain than you can ever imagine."

~Bella