Open or close...

I'm going to start by saying it never happened to me and may not happen anytime soon. This is what I had to hear from a friend, which I consider a close friend! Not my story but his, in a sort of way.

"Bella, you are not supposed to be in this generation. You are too much of an old soul, a beautiful simple pure love type of woman. Too much of a hopeless romantic." Confessed my best friend in Italy a few months ago.

Can't deny my hopeless romantic side, guess that means I'll stay single for a while!

So as I was saying this is a short fact about a friend of mine who I would have never believed it happened to him. Especially him. Not my best friend from Italy, he is like my clone when it comes to love. But another friend, one I care deeply about.

As we were conversing, he had to mention that his best relationship was an opened one. (I don't know how would you react, but I kind of had a shock attack, not believing what I was reading.) Quite the big news when he has said he's the hopeless romantic type of guy. I felt like he had been lying to me all this time and trust me I got broken into millions of pieces, shattered because I just couldn't have imagined this of him.
Don't think I started judging him, I didn't, it may have come out that way, but I can't judge something or someone when I have no experience when it comes to this particular type of relationship. Cause let's be honest it's a tricky relationship. Not something I'm into, or interested in experience it. Not my thing! After all, he is a friend, and I cannot judge his beliefs, I don't have to agree with him which I didn't and try to understand which I tried my hardest to. Probably failing at it on the way.

I couldn't talk to him naturally, couldn't stop having the same thought ' my friend saying he is loyal yet sleeping around.' Even if it was agreed with his girlfriend at the time, it isn't something I expected from him.
I can't lie and say I moved on, forgetting about this shocking news, I couldn't. My curiosity got the best of me. I asked about it. He simply answered without trying to detail anything to me, staying positive, fearless of my opinion, which I believe changed as soon as he saw I wasn't alright with it.

We discussed the situation in a simple way, I tried to keep an open mind, trying to stay away from argumentative talks.
He simply explained how being in an open relationship made him feel like he was free to do as he wished. Being in bars and not worrying about flirting or talking to girls around. He felt like it was easier to talk to the girlfriend, no secrets, honesty, and trust. Plus the bonus, the cherry on top, threesomes or Ménage à Trois if you know what I mean.

Simple answer right? A very quick answer to why he thought it was his best. Barely any drama, trust, honesty and mutual respect. They would come back to one another for love and companionship, and the others were just sexual pleasures, one night stands, fun nights.
Reading this answer made me feel sick in my stomach " a hopeless romantic"... Please give me something to make me believe that. Trying to understand where he was coming from was much more difficult than I anticipated. Sharing your partner with others, free to flirt with whoever, sleep around even if it's meaningless sex. It is quite different from what I could imagine coming from a hopeless romantic but then again... I can't judge!
But then he did say the downside of things. It is hard when a few things come into play.

Being in an open relationship is far from being easy as some would think. When two people agree to stay as a couple but still have the freedom to sleep with others, they both have to know how to trust and stay away from jealousy. When jealousy comes to play, "Oh, but you have more partners than me" or " I can't have you sleep around, I can't share", the relationship becomes harder! Then you have the lack of trust, faith in your partner, the fear of losing them completely, fear they will start loving others. So when you are in an open relationship, it could come up as harder than a "closed relationship."
That said, let me repeat myself, I'm not trying to judge anyone who agrees to have open relationships. My friend had reasons on why he went into one. 

If you want to have an open relationship with someone, please do yourself a favour and check, talk to your partner a lot, get everything straight. 

This little fact might have come to a surprise, but at the end of the day, I can't just ignore my friend, judge him! It doesn't define him, it shaped him as a human being, but it's not the entire him. Yes, he had an open relationship before, but he is still the same old person I've got to know over time and I'm proud to be a part of his life. 
When you think of the whole story, he might have not detailed anything or explained much at first, took his time to tell me the background, but at the end, the full story showed up, explaining everything. I may not be the best person like the one he once loved, but...  I'm lucky in many ways... 

"Never judge a book by its cover just like don't judge a person by its appearance."

~Bella

21st birthday, done!

You've guessed it, I'm finally 21! 

Not a huge deal on my part as in Europe the drinking age is younger, but since I'm currently in California, I went to a few bars. 

Being 21 years of age hasn't changed much for the few days I've been 21, but I can say that I did have a pleasant time, enjoying the night with one of my roommates. Drinks and fries, a few exchange with some people, and the night came to an end. 



Someone who is 21 years of age is excited about finally drinking in bars, clubbing but half of these people didn't have any advice from their close friends or family members. I was part of the lucky ones, my dear friends as my close family has been telling me a few bits of advice over the years making it easier for me when I finally entered adulthood (in America). 

I thought I would share a few of them with you especially if you are going to be 21 years old soon. 

I. "Don't waste your precious time trying to get someone to like you! You can't be liked by everyone." 



II. "Do yourself a favour and be yourself- forget about other's opinion."



III. "Have a passion, go find something free to do, especially if you live in a big city like Los Angeles or New York."



IV. "Take your time on your education, why rushing into the adult world."



V. "Go find yourself a real, nice man instead of chasing immature, bad boys."



VI. " Don't worry too much about money just yet, you have some time to get your saving up and running."



VII. "No future plans? Please. Live a little." 

VIII. "Stop judging your life, compare it to other's and make yourself feel horrible for not having the same progress. It's your own journey!"



IX. "You are still young, stop pretending like you've got it all under control." 



X." Bars are nice but don't think you have to go spend money every night. You have your entire life to do so." 



Being 21 years of age didn't make much change on my part, but it does to a lot of people. For many it means you are entering adulthood, you finally able to run around town at whatever hour of the night, you are allowed in clubs, bars, get drinks without worrying about being caught.  Sure, it does has its perks, but don't over exaggerate; you have your entire life ahead of you to get crazy being an adult! Enjoy the last couple of years you have to be a grown person with tons of responsibilities. 

Here comes the next chapter of my life... The one I will write about... Stay alert, more to come next week... 





"When you turn 21. You legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 15." 



~Bella

Does your clothing style should matter? (14)

I think it's safe to say that no matter what our point of view on clothes is, we have a sense of style, particular one, sure, but one indeed. 

This sense of style may change over time as you mature up, or have a serious relationship. Getting involved with someone means you have to say goodbye to a few piece of clothing. 

For about two weeks now, I've been into this TV show, How I Met Your Mother.

Quite the show if I may say! During a couple of episodes, we can tell that no matter how much you love someone, one piece of clothing may seem to annoy you. In the show, Lily and Marshall, a loving married couple, have gone through a similar path where Lily didn't like the overall that Marshall loved. Now, when you grow up when you enter an important job like Marshall did, you have to suit up. 

The show is quite right on a lot, and it does remind me of FRIENDS a little. Both shows make us realize what life is all about, give life tips, love lessons, friendship perspective. You name it, both shows make us see the reality of this world. And... Sadly, the style of clothing we choose to wear at some point may not be the same in a year. 

When it comes to relationships, we have this happy stage, many of us go through.... Look at the same carefully next time... 

When that happy stage hits us, we are most likely to wear our favourite dress or favourite shirt. Depending on who we are, what we like. 

Next step is how confident we are about the relationship! Feeling confident about the relationship may be shown by how we want to impress the other person. It helps you sail across tougher times by being optimistic and somehow your choice of clothing comes along as well. 

Not always sunny in the relationship world, depression may come along in every way, your style of clothing will scream "DEPRESSION". 

Darker colours will show up more often than expected, and no, you will continue wearing darker colours until your mood switch back into the happy place. 

Now, when you are in a relationship, a real commitment, you will most likely deal with the obvious change in your closet. Either you will look more adult like, or professional, laid back (not a care in the world about your other half's opinion), more colour, less colours. Don't get me wrong, when you enter a committed relationship, you aren't looking at his sense of style (slightly will), you will not base your judgments on his clothes, but in the long run, some clothes will have to say goodbye to the dear closet. These red cowboy boots, the too-short of a dress, the kid tee-shirt that you wear on your lazy day, your wedges... When in a relationship, you have to sacrifice a bit of you, and clothing items are a part of it. 

So to conclude this little post, your fashion style shouldn't matter when you start loving someone, but it will be later on in life. Be careful how you choose your clothes, every situation is different. I'm not saying you should change your style because of someone else, do it for yourself first. Dress however you like, but still be careful! 

" Fashion is about suspense and surprise and fantasy. It's not about rules." - Wolfgang Joop

~Bella

It's never too late to realize...

A couple of years ago, my whole perspective of life was different from now. You may think to yourself, "Well people mature up, develop, think differently over the years."
Not everyone will agree with this, but I do because my views on life have changed. I grew up in a couple of years...
Experiences, life events, issues that I had to cope with... They may change your mind on a few things, I know they did for me. 

Here's a little story, without too many details! 

Since I could remember, my relationship with my father hasn't been the best. He was always away at work and would come home during the weekend just to work in the garden or on the house. To be fairly honest, he wouldn't spend much time with me, a little more with my brother, though! Not something I minded since I had my mother, brother, and friends around. But then things started to become horrific, out of control after my mother talked about divorce. I don't think anyone will jump up and down, joyful nor excited about such a news. Yet, 'some respect is supposed to be socially acceptable. It didn't happen though. My father took it awfully badly which led to many terrible events and non-acceptable comments. To this day, my father hates my mother, despise to the point of making her sick, emotionally sick. Hating her with a passion even after rebuilding a new life with a new woman and a new child. 
I haven't talked or seen him for over 4 years now, quite a while to be fairly honest. Didn't occur to me to forgive him for what he had done, until just a couple of weeks ago. No, I'm still not ready to forgive him, I'm just ready to move on from him, from my own father. 
I'm finally accepting the fact that my dear father doesn't want anything to do with me. Accepting the fact that my father will never want to apologize for his past and recent actions, or will let see my half sister. Hopefully not never...
This said, even if I'm ready to move on, I'm far from believing I will ever be able to forgive my father's actions, sayings, behaviors. 
How can you forgive someone when that same person doesn't give you any explanations, no reasons behind their actions? 
I don't think anyone would be able to forgive my father, even if he was apologizing because saying, "sorry" hurts him too much. 
My father has a big mouth,  but when it comes to saying the right thing, he shut his mouth. No actions, nothing. It's sad but true! 

Moving forward means saying goodbye to the past and saying hello to the now. It's a new adventure that awaits you! Indeed it is scary as we do not know what the future holds, but remember that without today and a tomorrow, you get stuck in the past, the already written past, the one who is supposed to teach you a valuable lesson. 
My childhood isn't the greatest one, and I had to mature up faster than most kids, but at the end of the day, I'm still here, growing up every day. So you may feel like you are alone, but you aren't, many of us are just like you with difficult childhoods. My story may not have had such a happy beginning, but I will make sure to have a happy ending! Just like in Disney movies... 

"Confine yourself to the present." - Marcus Aurelius

~Bella

Helping Others Help Themselves... Psych 101...

Carl  Rogers was born on January 8th, 1902, in Oak Park, Illinois, to a strict Protestant family. As a teenager, he and his family moved to Glen Ellen, Illinois, where Rogers took an interest in agriculture. In 1919, Rogers started attending the University of Wisconsin, where he decided to major in agriculture. He would later change his major to history, and then once again to religion. 
During his junior year at the University of Wisconsin, Rogers and ten others were chosen to participate in an international Christian youth conference in China for six months. From this trip, Rogers began to question his choice of career. Following graduation in 1924, he attended the Union Theological Seminary, but transferred 1924, he attended the Union Theological Seminary but transferred to Teachers College, Columbia University, 1926. It was while at Teachers College, Columbia University, that Rogers took his first psychology courses. 

After earning his Ph.D. in psychology, Rogers worked at Ohio State University, the University of Chicago, and the University of Wisconsin. While working at the University of Wisconsin, Rogers developed one of his most significant contributions to the world of psychology: client-centered therapy. Believing that a client or patient was ultimately in charge of their happiness, Rogers changed the role of the therapist from a mere technician into someone that would be able to guide a client towards happiness. The therapist was to embody empathy, congruence, and positive regard. In addition to this, Rogers created his "self-theory," which provided a description of how a client viewed him or herself, and how therapy would be able to change this view. 
Today, the work of Carl Rogers would be considered "humanistic psychology." His ideas of how psychology should work focused less on diagnosing and more on how a person could help him or herself, with the ultimate goal to become what Rogers referred to as a "fully-functioning person." Carl Rogers died on February 4th, 1987. 

SELF- ACTUALIZATION

Clar Rogers rejected the claims of both behaviorism (which claimed behavior was the result of conditioning) and psychoanalysis (which focused on the unconscious and biological factors), instead theorizing that a person behaves in certain ways because of how he or she perceives a situation and that only people themselves can know how they perceive things. Rogers believed that people have one basic motive, the propensity to self-actualize. 

In its most basic form, self-actualization can be understood by using the metaphor of a flower. A flower is constrained to its environment, and only under the right conditions will it be able to grow to its full potential. 

Of course, humans are much more complex than flowers. We develop according to our personalities. Carl Rogers posited that people were inherently good and creative, and only became destructive when external constraints or a poor self-concept superseded the valuing process. Rogers claimed that a person with high self-worth, who has come close to attaining their ideal self, would be able to face the challenges they encountered in life, accept unhappiness and failure, feel confident and positive about his or herself, and be open with others. In order to achieve high self-worth and a degree of self-actualization, Rogers felt one must be in a state of congruence. 

CONGRUENCE

If someone's ideal self is similar to or consistent with their actual experience, then they are experiencing a state of congruence. When there is a difference between someone's ideal and their actual experience, this is known as incongruence. 

It is very rare for a person to experience a complete state of congruence; but, Rogers states, a person has a higher sense of worth and is more congruent when the self-image (how one sees oneself) approaches the ideal self that a person is striving for. Because people want to view themselves in ways that are compatible with their self-image, they may begin to use defense mechanisms like repression or denial to feel less threatened by feelings that might be considered undesirable.

Rogers also emphasized the importance of other people in our lives, believing that people need to feel that they are regarded positively by others because everyone possesses an inherent wish to be respected, valued, loved, and treated with affection. Rogers broke his idea of positive regard into two types: 

1. Unconditional positive regard: When people are loved and respected for who they are, especially by their parents, significant others, and therapists. This leaves a person unafraid to try new things and to make mistakes, even if the consequences of these mistakes are not good. When a person can self-actualize, he or she usually receives unconditional positive regard.

2. Conditional positive regard: When people receive positive regard not because they are loved and respected for who they are, but because they behave in ways others think are correct. For example, when children get approval from their parents because they behave the way their parents want them to act. Someone who always seeks approval from others most likely experienced conditional positive regard when he or she was growing up. 

~Bella

Does your astrological sign should matter? (13)

Astrology is quite an interesting topic by itself, but it will be a much more interesting subject when you read about two different sign. 
We all have two signs though... The sun and the moon sign. Your sun sign dictates your zodiac personality while your moon sign will represent your emotions, your inner mood. Even if we focus on the sun sign, the moon sign is the second most important influence in your horoscope chart after the sun. As for me, both of my signs are cancer, and trust me, I feel how both signs are around. 

Each zodiac sign have certain weaknesses and strengths, qualities and flaws. 

Now, should zodiac signs matter when in love with someone? I don't believe so as each individual is unique, and the sign will only give you an idea of what to expect in a person. IT won't be all accurate and tacking what they say about signs won't get you far. 
The fun fact about lots of people, including myself is how we look up if our signs and the sign of the person we like will be compatible. Obviously, it should affect your view on the person, but you may end up learning a few important traits about the person. 
In fact, we aren't, cannot be compatible with everyone just like we cannot force love onto someone. Yet, many of us look up if both signs are still compatible or not, sometimes just to have a support, something to make us go forward with our feelings. 

I've had relationships with different signs and manage to notice that charts aren't always wrong but they can also be very on point. You just have to trust your heart once in a while as well as your brain! For instance, I was dating a libra for a bit, and usually both of our signs aren't much compatible. We were doing aright, but then life got in the way of things, and we had to part. Another example of a couple who are making an amazing example of how two really different signs can work it all out is Tom and Giovanna Fletcher. You may know Tom as a part of a band, McFly, and his kids books. Giovanna is a wonderful writer, wrote one of my favourite book which is Billy and Me. She happens to be an Aries while Tom is a Cancer like me. Two signs who, according to various articles and charts, are far from working. Yet, they have known each other for a long time, married, and have two beautiful boys. I actually look up at them, great relationship example. 

Before you can determine either your relationship will work based on the signs, you have to understand there are four types of signs, water, air, fire, and earth. 

Water signs which are Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. They are very emotional signs who are very compassionate, understanding.  I'm a little Cancer and when they say we are emotional train wrack, we are. 
Earth signs are Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. If you want something real, go to them. Loyal, stable, slow and steady. My younger brother is a Taurus and let me tell you, I think I found my competition for the stubborn side of our personality. 
Air signs are all about actions, ideas and motions. Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. My mum is a Gemini and my other younger brother is an Aquarius. Both are very creative, intelligent people who will not stay around, always adventuring. Hard to stay in a relationship!
Fire signs, Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. They tend to be passionate, temperamental, and slightly cocky to say the least. Love the intention. My best friend is a Sagittarius and she loves to have all eyes on her. She is kind and smart though, quite the happy person. 

So that said, you are in a relationship with the person for who they are and not their signs. They may play a role, but do you need to listen to each word someone out there said about the sign? 

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us read for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what I hope to give you forever." - The Notebook

~Bella

You don't go? Really?

If you are new on here, you don't know about my situations my school situation. Many of you are probably thinking, " She looks like she's university age."

Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't go to school anymore, at least not since I graduated from high school a few years ago. Yes, I'm still in the university age, and yet, I don't go! Should I be judged for it?
After high school, I planned on taking a year off, a year to give me time to think about my future, think about the subject which would lead to my future career and well... To have a break from school.

Before I start explaining a few things you have to know that school isn't for me. No, I don't mean like I'm smarter than everyone and I do not need school. I mean, I cannot stand being at school.

Back in high school, I couldn't concentrate enough to listen to any teachers except maybe one. I would either listen to music or fall asleep in the back of the classroom. Sounds pathetic now that I'm looking back to my high school years, but I wasn't interested in anything except history. And sadly, I couldn't just take history classes. So after two years in Santa Barbara High School, I decided to go into homeschooling with the Olive Grove program. I do not recommend it if you aren't independent and love to teach yourself, read textbooks. For me it was perfect. I was managing my time quite well, reading nonstop, taking notes and I got to choose multiple classes despite the obvious ones. I got to get psychology, criminology, criminal justice, law, art classes... And the list is long as I took multiple psychology classes as well as criminology ones. Alright, it felt like I was in university but yet it was different cause I was home, I was doing everything on my own terms, no teachers.
You are probably wondering why I didn't continue my education and doing what everyone else was doing. But have you ever asked yourself why people didn't go to college or universities? Because you may end up getting a few surprises.
Alright, some won't go because of reasons, but other cannot go at all because they have specific reasons, or some won't go because they are too lazy and think it's a waste of time.

Don't get me wrong, if I really wanted to go I would go, but again, I dislike being like everyone else. Being the outsider suits me well...
I do have reasons though...

First, I hate going to school, sit in a classroom with over twenty people, being around strangers for over an hour and a half, listening to teachers who don't even like their job anymore. 
Second, financially, you need to be capable of supporting yourself and pay for school. I'm European and back home, school is highly different, it's free education while in America it cost double what you got in your bank account. And please don't state City College, it might be cheaper but it is still costly. 

Third, priorities, yes, I have them and no, they aren't about me. I don't think much about myself, and it is wrong. Some of these priorities are keeping me from going. Can't just ignore the family for my education. I guess I'm more family orientated than anything else. 
The fourth reason is the fact that I'm still unsure what I want to end up doing career-wise as well as where I want to go in a few years. I ain't planning on staying in California anymore. I think I got tired of living here, well, surviving. Santa Barbara is getting too small for me, plus I prefer cloudy sky, gloomy days instead of nonstop sunshine. East coast sounds better... Closer to Europe, and to be honest, I could end up staying in California, who knows, I may end up falling in love with a man who wants to stay in California. 

My reasons may seem idiotic for certain people, but to me, with my anxiety, they are good enough reasons. I do not need you to agree with me. I just need you to try to understand why someone wouldn't want to go to college. 
I'm not saying I would never go. Never say never. For now, I don't believe you need a diploma to do what you love, passionate about. A piece of paper doesn't show how intelligent you are. Some people cannot take tests but it doesn't prove they are less intelligent than the person next to them. Am I that idiotic, unintelligent? Last time I checked I was smart enough to hold a serious conversation with an older person. 

So why judge a person for not going to school, for preferring to take care of more important matters, for taking their time on choosing their future. Saving up money before using it on education. 
Stop making references and conclusions. You never know someone unless you try to comprehend them. 

"By not going to school I learned that the world is a beautiful place and needs to be discovered. " -Rutger Hauer 

~Bella