More... More...

More songs, more artists, more art! 

My music taste varies quite a lot, too much, too often but I have to admit I'm a bit more drawn to British artists, more indie pop, and fun to listen to. Now, I also have my Italian music I will listen to constantly, but for over a month now I've been enjoying listening to these songs, artists. One group, Weathers are actually from Los Angeles, California. Four guys in an alternative indie band which isn't too old... 

And the other band which is five guys formed back in 2013 from Stockport, Greater Manchester, England. Still unknown to the American community, I personally adore them! You can say it's my style, something I'll listen to every minute of every day. 

I'm the indie type of lady who listens to almost everything but prefers to be odd and to listen to people who aren't too famous. Even though I adore my punk rock, pop music, indie has been there for me through tough times. 

"You are what you listen to." 

~Bella 

What to do in this situation...

Alright, don't imagine some crazy post about a story gone wrong... It's about what I do when I get my heart shattered into millions of pieces, broken down, hurt. I came up with the idea as I was scrolling down Instagram... Sounds a little pathetic when I write it down. 

Anyways,

As I was saying I'm an odd person when it comes to my own broken heart. I don't sit down with a jar of ice cream and listen to sad songs all day/night long. At least I'm not doing that anymore. I evaluate to the next level, jumped into something different. I don't watch the same movie as I usually would do even though 50 first dates is an amazing movie and I continue to watch it every four month or so. And I surely don't cry like a baby anymore I cry rivers instead of oceans. But now what I do is quite ... Well, I'll let you judge for yourself! 

~ Let's ignore the fact that I'm currently hurting, emotionally hurting. Why bother with all these unwanted feelings, emotions? Why deal with them when you know that it will only make you hurt? They could potentially destroy you. 

~Instagram fanatic! As many of you I have Instagram, andI post almost everyday, and go on there whenever I've got time to do so! I scroll down and I like photos like everyone else. Now, when I have a broken heart, the photos go more for attractive tattooed guys. I start to fantasize on good looking guys, ones I'll never have, at least I know so it's keeping me sane, kind of sane. It keeps me away from thinking about the boy who broke my heart into million of pieces. 

~Go to coffee shops or bookstore! Safe heaven for me as I'm a bookworm who prefers to be left alone. Great places to ignore everyone around me. Also a great place to get some writing done even though I'm people watching half of the time. Going to grab a coffee, sitting down with a book, a notebook, a pen, and phone on the side just in case, makes me feel better because I'm alone without being alone as there's people around. 

~Read to escape reality. I'm into every type of books, but when I'm heartbroken a good thriller, crime, mystery novel keeps me from thinking about love, so I stay away from romantic, cheesy stories. A hint of mystery is always nice, it keeps your mind occupied on what's coming next!

~Baileys Irish Cream on rocks at my favourite bar. If you have never heard of this alcohol it's technically an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur which only has 17% alcohol so you can have plenty of it without getting drunk. In my case, I never get drunk out of it and I do get teased for drinking it. People either look at me and wonder what my drink is as many are drinking tequila or vodka or my friends are work there are calling it the adult chocolate milk. Just because it doesn't have much alcohol doesn't mean it's bad. It actually taste amazing and you should try it. 

Despite the fun I have ignoring my emotions, lying to myself on how great I'm feeling, focusing my thoughts on either work or writing or on someone else, the broken heart is still there. Appearing on certain occasions. Instead of dealing with the feelings, I bottle all them up and close it tight enough until the day I explode. That day hasn't come yet, but I can feel it coming as my anxiety has been quite tough to deal with. Each couple I see on the street makes me want to vomit or on the contrary makes me wonder if I'll ever have that again. Sadly, I ain't the positive type of person when it comes to myself and negativity takes over my entire self. Destroying each chance of happiness. 

As you can tell, I don't or barely socialize, probably not the best thing you could be doing in this situation but that's what I do and it's working fine for now. I close up entirely which makes me feel lonely after a while, but I prefer to feel this way instead of being around a bunch of people who are fake enough to lie straight to my face saying things such as, " He wasn't cute anyways." or " Girl, you will find a new guy in no time."  We all know these white lies that our friends tell us to make us feel better, but deep down we know it ain't true. So I highly prefer the "unsocial me" over the "social me".

Over the course of a year, my ideas, my views of life, love, and everything else have changed, dramatically changed. I'm not into the same things, I mature up in ways I wouldn't thought I would even though I'm still the same person, I don't do what I would do a couple years back when I had a broken heart, and on the contrary, now, it's difficult to get over someone, to find someone new, to trust again. Not that I trust easily in the first place. I'm more distant than I already was. That's all. 

I'm the type of person who destroys herself without the help of anyone. I'm the type of young woman who's vivid imagination make up scenarios who aren't pleasant which usually lead to a slight depression, a mini depression. I suggest you don't let your brain control too much of your thoughts and let your imagination derive too much either in case you drown into your own despair. 

"Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser." 

~Bella

How can you write for so long?

When someone asks me about my writing, my heart skips a beat, I become vulnerable enough to lose my words. Giving me the opportunity to talk about my passion is a gift, an occasion to develop my love for writing to people, make them understand where I'm coming from.
I can write for a long time and people have been asking for an explanation... So hopefully this will help you understand me a little more, don't get your hopes up, I ain't easy to comprehend, I ain't the easiest person out there.
Let's start with the obvious...

"I don't have time to write."

"My writing is awful so why start?"

"Being a writer means being published."

We always have time to write, there is no such thing as bad writing, and everyone is a writer.
All these phrases people have to express are wrong, myths of a sort and people believe these sayings.
Before being a good writer, we are"bad writers" who jots down ideas to make it a whole new story later on.

So let's back up a little to you imagining a pizza, one you bought on the corner of the street. Too crusty in your opinion, but flavour is still here as well as the little Italian taste. The pizza may have some defaults such as too crusty in your taste, the amount of tomato sauce, cheese makes it delicious enough to make you forget about the crust.

Now think about yourself facing a blank page; you are starting to write ideas, but you think it's bad... Remember the pizza! Defaults, sure, there's always going to be them, but there's always something underneath, looking to come out. Your piece of writing needs work, and you can delete to rewrite it all, all over again. Chasing perfection will get you nowhere, so why chase something nearly impossible, something without depth?
So when someone asks me about my writing, my thoughts go straight to different places! There's so much to talk about.

Like I can write for hours. Yes, everyone is capable of writing, if I can, anyone can! I have two jobs, family issues to attend to, editing a novel, a blog to keep track of, housemates who aren't capable of paying rent on time or doing their dishes. I sound like a whiny child, I apologize for it, sadly, it's all true. Even with a busy life, I manage to get some time to write. After all, I shouldn't complain, people have it worse than me, some go to school even with two jobs, if you are one of these people, you should be proud of yourself.

Having two jobs is tough, and if you are in this situation you will know what I'm talking about, goodbye long nights out, and parties, welcome showers, bedtime, unsocial life. Yet, I manage to write, still. I don't wait around for time to show up at my door, knock, "Hey are you ready to hang out?"

Instead, I steal away some time.

Have you ever heard, " If they are in love with you, they will find time for you. If they don't then their love may not be that existent." Well, surprise, it's the same for writing. If you adore writing as much as you claim, you find time for it just like you find time for someone. You always see me with a pen in my hand, in my hair, a notebook in my purse, at one of my job, receipts with notes on, napkins full of writing on... Because no matter where I am if I've got some idea, I have to write it down. 
I live through my writing, and despite the fact that it is a passion, it's starting to feel more like a way of living. For instance, right now, I'm sitting down at my favourite coffee shop, having a warm cappuccino, a chocolate twist, and a notebook, pen, and a book. 
A man sitting across from me, a couple of tables away, have been writing as well. Looking out the window at times, drinking his coffee at others. Two empty cups next to him already, and a ring around his finger which can only mean, married. He is grabbing my intention not because of how good looking he is but because he is writing down on a notebook with a pen. As far as I see it, it's rare, usually, people are typing away on their laptops not writing with a pen on a notebook, welcome sore wrist. 
He hasn't stopped writing except to look out the window on his right, probably daydreaming like most of us in the coffee shop. Re reading past pages. He does interest me, surprise me. I don't see many men writing away in a notebook, drinking coffee after coffee, at least not in my favourite coffee shop. Or they are around when I'm not around. That's also a possibility. 
I could watch this stranger for hours without getting bored. Between his facial expressions, his hand on his notebook, and his concentration... He's the perfect person to draw some character ideas from. 

See... I'm writing about my private moment with my thoughts, proves that it's not that complex to write. After this, anyone can write if you stop trying to chase perfection. Writing a draft, something "bad", something you came up with is a start, a draft to a better art piece. Anyone can find the time if one give themselves a chance. 
What I find funny in this situation is the fact that I didn't feel like writing today! I forced myself to do so and that's the magic with writers. You give them a notebook or piece of paper, a pen and some tea or coffee next to them... SURPRISE! A couple of minutes later, they are writing away from a piece of art. No need for a certain mood to come and sweep you off the floor to write away what comes to mind. Magic no? 
It's a luxury to want to write, and yet, you don't need to have this specific mood. A simple sentence may throw you right back into something much more deeper, developed than just an idea in the back of your head. In certain cases, it won't work, but the bribe is on. Yes, like you do with children, I do it to myself. " If you write for at least 30 minutes or write a least one article, you will be able to go eat dinner!" 
Sounds stupid right? Guess what though... It works! Cause, believe me, or not when I miss a day of writing my mood switch off to kind of good to run away far from me. I'll be irritable, almost annoying ( I'm already am but double it up). 
Being able to sit down at your favourite spot, enjoying a cup of cappuccino or tea, writing down whatever comes to mind is a satisfying feeling. Like many writers say, you need a room, your space to write. For me, it's my favourite coffee shop or train station despite the fact that I mostly work at one of y job between customers. They are sort of a creative poison, feeding me drama to write about. Mix my own vivid imagination and facts of the day, the idiotic comments of customers. After all, writers need some source of inspiration no matter what or who it is. 

The 'why' I write for so long is only because it keeps me sane, keeps me from doing something wrong. It keeps me on track, daily. Writing gives me a sense of becoming who I truly am. Sounds completely lunatic and yet... 
The more I write, the easier it gets, and I finally know what I'm doing. It's becoming obvious, simple to approach. But 'how' can I write for so long, constantly writing? Let me be straightforward with you... I don't constantly write or else you wouldn't see me doing much. I would constantly have my nose stuck to my laptop, phone or notebook. I write when I can find the time and I force myself to do so. What keeps me going is walking. You might be confused by my answer and I apologize. I walk pretty much EVERYWHERE. From home to work to bars to friends' place to grocery shopping. When I walk, my earphones are in and songs are playing. If I lived in a bigger city, I would continue walking because it makes me think about everything, makes me analyze situations. And by letting me breathe some "fresh" air, it keeps my thoughts, ideas flowing. 
So yes, instead of parties or doing whatever kids my age would be doing, I read, watch football (soccer) games, help my friends in need, and write. Go figure, I'm an odd individual. 

When you don't make writing a big idea, it becomes a way of living and not some task that you are forced to do. It becomes your long lost love, one who will never cheat on you, one you will always count on to make your crappy day a delightful one. 
Thinking of it, my own writing is pretty much my boyfriend. An Italian flirty, lovable one who's also part Irish making him the most loyal and protective one out there. 
That also helps me recognize the fact that writing is just like a relationship! You have to make time, steal away some time to make memories, to make the relationship flourish. You have to work for it, with it. 

"A writer is simply a photographer of thoughts." 
~ Bella

Let me give you some credit...

Most of the time, we don't realize how far we have come, between the experiences and life itself, preferring not to give ourselves the credit we deserve. We are still alive, breathing, so why not see how much we are doing? Cause being realistic about ourselves either make us look like narcissist people or we have judgments about ourselves. 

Before we acknowledge the fact that being real with ourselves can be difficult, there's something else that keeps us from being proud of what we have achieved. Staying humble. 
Why do we have to be humble? Why does society teach us to stay in the shadows, quiet, vulnerable enough to be afraid of others views. To be open to the next adventure but not to talk about any success. It teaches us to be a beginner, an observer. Story short, society wants us to stay strong enough to take on criticism. How are we suppose to be strong and vulnerable at the same time? How are suppose to survive? 

I blame social media for a lot of things, but let's be honest, we are the cause of such disaster. And sadly, we are the only one who can do something about it all. Repairing what's been done to our generation. But how are we suppose to come back to morals, values when all you can see is fake everything? How do we come back to the time when being humble also meant being able to recognize who we are and what we deserve? 
So being humble is to see what we can do without putting someone else down. To show a little too much and make the others feel terrible. Easy to say, hard to do for certain people who would highly prefer to show off a little too much and make some people uncomfortable. 
For instance, many have said that I come off as humble because I don't really talk about any accomplishments, show off what I'm capable of doing. Despite the fact that I did have some accomplishments, that I learned a lot more than others my age, I know deep down that someone else has had a harder life, more accomplishments, bigger things. So why trying to show off my things when they aren't important, big enough. At the end of the day, it's more low self-esteem than being humble. But I'll take the compliment because it's given to me for free. 

Experiences have been shaping us since the start, shaping us into individuals, good or bad, these experiences are parts of us. And you should give yourself some credit for surviving each day cause this world isn't the best place. Every time you enter a situation, remind yourself that no matter what you should value it. Even though I'm a poor example, I apologize in advance. 
But be honest for a second, do you view yourself with accuracy? Do you look in the mirror and see yourself like everyone else sees you? 
We are far more interesting, better than we acknowledge. Valuing our experiences isn't "Tell the whole world about them!" It's about being the best version of yourself, using your experiences to create something beautiful. Valuing each situation in order to make you proud of what you have accomplished. 
Now that I think and write about it all, I've had tiny yet important experiences that helped me grow into he person I am today. I never cared about them until now... It shows that I'm as good as anyone else. 
It also proves me how blind we are to walk pass by experiences, deaf enough to not hear our own voice. That we care a little too much about other's approval when you are supposed to listen to yourself. Because at the end of the day, you are the only one who has to deal with your unpleasant thoughts, cause, after all, people can be jealous and that leads to disrespectful, horrific comments. Humans have the tendency to judge others, I know I do even if I try my best not to do so.
As one writer said, " Lint is picking, is focusing on the small imperfection rather than seeing the greater glory of the whole."  This writer made me think about what people have been saying, what I've been saying to myself and it is far from pretty. We believe, most of us at least, we deserve nothing, that we haven't being doing much to deserve something. On the contrary, we deserve a whole lot more than what we see. I'm not saying everyone does, there are some insane people whose humanity have left them with a cold heart. 
Remember that not everyone can quit smoking or drinking alcohol. Not everyone can public speak in front of millions of people. Not everyone is capable of cooking dinner every night after work. Not everyone is capable of moving to another city because they don't know anyone there. 
As small as it may get, remember that it helped you grow into the person that you are today. Look at me... 

I've moved from one continent to another, moved into a country with a different language. Despite the fact that I did learn it at school for a few years, I couldn't speak it enough or understood enough to make friends. 
I've been supporting my family in tough times, even became sick because of it. 
I've written a novel, finished writing the first draft. 
I've been keeping a blog for over a year now and still going. 
Managed to get two jobs and still find the time to write, hang out with people I appreciate and love. 
 They might seem boring, idiotic, uninteresting experiences to lots of you, but they have made me who I am today. They are still accomplishments to me and I wouldn't be the person that I am without them. 

Do I keep a lot to myself? Yes, it won't change anytime soon! Do I finally value my experiences? Yes, but I still stay quiet about it. 
Now if you don't believe in yourself, I would suggest you write down a list of things you have done, it will help you recognize how much of a person you are. But keep in mind that being able to see what we truly are means keep being yourself, many of us don't like cocky people. 

"When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier. " 
~ Bella 

Cookies and Cream and Little Buggies...

You must be wondering what the title means and to be fairly honest I'm with you on this one. Not sure what I wanted to called today's post so I ended up with my Coffee Bean order and my slight annoying issue that I've been having since I became friends with one of the worker there. What a love story but that's for other day... So it ended up being Cookies and Cream for my order, and little buggies for my own love life... 

So today's post has a personal twist in it, and questions that I've been having for years, unanswered questions, obviously or else it wouldn't be fun. 

Curse- to use a word or expression that is not polite and shows that you are very angry. 

Curse- magic words that are intended to bring bad luck to someone.

Curse- a cause of trouble and unhappiness. 

As you may have guessed it, today's post is about a curse, one specific curse which is getting all the women in my family in trouble especially from my grandmother to my mother to me. Three generations of unpleasant love stories, and I'm only starting my life... So start imagining the worse for me.  ( I'm currently laughing as I'm writing this, but trust me, deep down, I'm crying an ocean). 
Don't get me wrong, I have a hard time believing in curses especially love curses. When I hear the word curse, I automatically go for witches and magic spells, the stuff that are in fairytales. Laugh all you want cause I'm laughing at this idiotic thing myself. But when I look at the love experience between my grandmother, my mother and a few other women in my family and how embarrassing their love lives are... You can only believe a curse is upon the women of the family. There is obviously some couples who are doing great, but most are beyond sad and the women fall for the wrong guys. Talk about bad luck! 

It started with my grandmother who passed away a few years back. After that, my mother talked to me a bit more about the woman who I had never seen in my life and won't ever be able to. My grandmother had no luck when it came to love, to find the right man and to be a strong independent woman. Love makes you blind and she was the best example for it! 

Little side note: French guys, especially back in the 1970's until 2000, were known to be a little too "superior" compare to woman who were to believed to be in the kitchen taking care of the household and the kids. Somehow, even after the woman got more power, the men are still known to act like jerks to their women. Old fashion style to make it simpler. That is also the reason why I try my hardest to stay away from French guys, plus after seeing the world and living in a different country makes me realize that no matter what, I will never really get along with a French guy.

So to go back to my grandmother, she had no luck, and her choice was poor concerning her life style as well as her love life. From walking away type of guys to physically/emotionally violent guys. Well, I'm sure you can imagine these types of guys. 

Choosing or falling in love with the right person seems to be nearly impossible for us, and even if I only started, I'm afraid to fall into the same cycle as my grandmother as well as my own mother. They both endure sad moments, no luck with guys, and both never gave me a good example, so being scared of falling for the wrong guys in obviously there!

Despite the fact that we have no luck in love, I don't want to get through the same bullocks of my grandmother nor my mother's. It would be too hurtful, and last time I check I was far from being my mother, not that strong. 

Now, the only thing I want to understand is why we have no luck, why do we attract the same type of guys, and why don't we go for the people who are suppose to make us happy? 
Is it because we have no positive male figure around us? Is it because we trust too much (can't be right for me since I don't trust people)? Are we too nice (maybe yes for my mother)? 
Too many thoughts, too many ideas to keep up with. Is the curse even real? Because all I  know is that it's just some bad luck that is running through family members. 

"It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply."

~Bella

The joys are real!

Living situation: 

I have a roommate and a few housemates who shares the house with me. 

Mental situation: 

I'm alright with the living situation, but being around younger girls even if it's only a year or three years younger, the maturity isn't always on point. Tough when you are the only one buying alcohol. 

As far as I know, I'm the type of person that needs to live around people or at least one other person. Living by myself will give me the creeps and yet... I'm thinking about it nonstop! 

I can't stop thinking about all the joys I would have living by myself if the rent wasn't so expensive. Welcome to California, almost everything cost you an entire arm. 

Little one, welcome silence, peaceful alone time. 

Little two, more time to day dream without interruptions. 

Little three, do whatever comes to mind at any time. 

Little four, drinking tea/coffee/hot chocolate as you watch the rain pour down, or simply gaze at the night sky full of stars. 

Little five, being lazy all day long without being judged! Welcome back undies and shirts! 

Little six, dancing around, singing as loud as you want like no one is watching cause no one is anyways. 

Little seven, have anyone over and share the same bed with them without being afraid for the next morning. 

Little eight, cook whenever you want, however you want even if that means in undies at times. 

Little nine, having little trips to the fridge whenever even in the middle of the night. 

Little ten, melting away your troubles with an amazing bath/candles and some red wine. 

Little eleven, taking your time in the morning, a peaceful morning without rushing to get to the shower. 

Little twelve, play music as loud as you wish and listen to whatever you feel like. 

Little thirteen, being able to go to bed at a reasonable time and not worry about lights or people being loud. 

Despite the fact that I already do whatever I feel like it even with roommates or housemates around, I know I would have much more freedom by myself or with just one other person. Living with people means being respectful to everyone in the house. Different time schedule, different personalities, different living style... Having housemates isn't always fun! 

Summer is coming to an end, new roommates, new lifestyle, new memories, new adventures... Even though living with younger people can be tough at times, at least I can feel like I can be myself and it seems like I'm more respected which feels nice. Don't blame me for liking the respect that my housemates give me even though the immaturity isn't always around. And I still have the "Mum" reputation, can't argue and disagree with them. 

"Everyone has this universal understanding of roommate drama." -Leighton Meester

~Bella 

Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup Bread Bowl...

Comfort food...

I came across one recipe which would make sense if it was comfort food. Remember that this recipe is only for one bread bowl!

The ingredients:

~Bread bowl
~Cheese, as needed
~Butter
~Tomato soup

Preparation:

1. Remove the top of the roll. Using a small knife cut around the inside of the bread (being careful not to cut through the sides) and scoop out the center of the roll- save this for later.

2. Butter the inside of the roll and place 3-4 cheese slices around the inner edge of the bread bowl. Bake in a preheated over at 375 F (190C) until the cheese has melted.

3. Cut the saved center of the roll in half. Butter both sides and create a cheese sandwich.

4. Melt butter in a small skillet over medium heat and fry the sandwich until both sides are browned and the inner cheese has melted. 

5. Remove the bread bowl from the oven. Fill with tomato soup and serve with the grilled cheese. 

6. Enjoy!

An under 30-minute preparation and it's a delicious little comfort food... 

"Eating is a necessity but cooking is an art."

~Bella