Christmas month... Couldn't be happier!

December has arrived and I couldn't be happier. 

It's the perfect time to be jolly, to grab hot wine, hot chocolate with Baileys, Christmas songs and movies, the Christmas shopping and the obvious Christmas market...

Edinburgh Christmas Market 2018

Since it's December and we all have to wait for Christmas Day to arrive, I went through the list of my favourite Christmas films. One for each day... I started with my all times favourite which I'm sure is a classic....

Day 1- Love Actually! 
A classic that will always take everyone into a loving, joyful mood, and how can we forget the famous dance of Hugh Grant. 

Day 2- The Nightmare Before Christmas!
Famous Tim Burton's got it right with this film. Perfect for a family film... After Halloween... It's just perfect!

Day 3- Elf!
This one is most likely to be a favourite with the humour and Will Ferrell's acting is brilliant, everyone falls for the cuteness.

Day 4- How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
If you want to fall in love with a cute movie with an adorable child who saves Christmas then this movie is for you!

Day 5- The Santa Claus!
Growing up with this film made me fall in love with Christmas and the hot chocolate! 

Day 6- The Santa Claus 2!
If you watch the first might as well continue!

Day 7- The Santa Claus 3!
After two movies, let's finish the trilogy!

Day 8- Home Alone!
Full of laughs and cute moments, it's one of the classics...

Day 9- Miracle on 34th Street!
One more classic, many versions, and all of them are just amazingly cute! A family film for sure!

Day 10- Scrooged!
The story is beautiful, the lessons are powerful!

Day 11- Angela's Christmas!
A 2018 Irish Christmas film which is beyond adorable! How can I not put an Irish film on the list? It's adorable and everyone is falling hard for it. How can you not?

Day 12- The Polar Express!
I remember watching it with my brothers when I was younger and each year we had to watch the film and read the book!

Day 13- A Charlie Brown Christmas!
An American classic, one I will surely watch for the first time... I needed to add it to the list because I found it pointless not to put it. 

Day 14- White Christmas!
Classics are always best especially during this season! 

Day 15- Home Alone 2!
Another great movie, one you cannot skip!

Day 16- The Grinch!
A 2018 movie, Dr.Seuss always had wonderful books, and the film will be just as delightful to watch. 

Day 17- A Christmas Carol!
Same as Scrooged, but more a family style film. 

Day 18- Bad Santa!
If you are looking for more adult fun, go for it!

Day 19- It's a Wonderful Life!
One classic at a time, this one deserves more credit!

Day 20- Frozen!
I mean it's not specifically Christmas but it has snow and long lasting songs. We all know how 'Let It Go' get stuck in your head for days.

Day 21- Rudolph, the Red-Nose Reindeer!
Used to watch it when I was a kid, cute cartoon that made me think about my red nose when I was sick. 

Day 22- One Magic Christmas!
It's been a while since this movie, but a Disney film nonetheless!

Day 23- Gremlins!
If you want a spooky Christmas film, this one will be perfect! 

Day 24- 
Anything you want... I know I'll probably end up watching 'Love Actually', 'Angela's Christmas', ' Angela's Ashes' or 'The Snapper', an Irish classic which if it comes on the tele, you will end up watching it again no matter.

This year, Netflix is taking down Love Actually so if you are a fan, watch it sooner than later!  But it does reserve us amazing new films, and I cannot wait to get through the list of films and songs myself... After all, even if you are an adult, you will watch cartoons and family films because Christmas has the power to let everyone become a child all over again!

~Bella

"Aithníonn ciaróg ciaróg eile"

"A beetle recognises another beetle" or simply... "It takes ones to know one"... 

A friend of mine once told me that quote and since that day, it hasn't left me. Irish... Oh, don't I miss hearing it on the train or seeing it written on almost everything. 

I would have never thought I would be in another country when my mother was in Ireland. I would have never thought that I wouldn't be there when she was. And yet... There it was, the "never would happen", happened! 

I'm in France and she is in Ireland since November 27th when she arrived in Dublin. 

Despite my love for my dear mother, a part of me envy her. Jealous to see how she is home while I ain't, while she made a choice with my friend to make me leave the country. 

Hard to explain how something so tiny can affect you. Hard to recognise that it was for the best... 

I wouldn't change what happened, but accepting it has become harder each day.

Ireland, a country takes a whole lot of my love (don't worry, it seems like I have a big enough heart to hold a lot more), and I cannot deny it. It's only a feeling of belonging to a place where I can breathe fresh air, hold myself warm in a blanket while watching the rain outside the living room window, the smell of Guinness spilled on the pub's floor... Missing the long train rides, and the walks along the waterfront. I miss it all, but what can it do to dwell on it all? 

Keeping a good memory of it, trying to get the same tea brand back in France, the same scents which I do find when I walk by a bakery (surprisingly) and let's be honest, I do miss my fish and chips... I miss calling fries "chips" and miss speaking English or hearing it all the bloody time between the accents and the expressions... 

Funny thing is I could go on and on about everything I miss about Ireland and not get tired of it. I wouldn't mind stating every good thing and bad ones as well just to get it out of my chest... But what a boring post would that be... 

So to get back to the point of this post if does have one... I need to make a choice. To decide what's next for me, for my health, my relationships, my future. Sounds completely idiotic considering I'm still in my early twenties but trust me, if I could have been thirthy like my friend, I would! 

Choices... Hilarious... My last choice, wasn't mine, all I did was follow it through without crying my eyes out. Where should I go? Should I stay in France for a while and see where it leads me? Or should I save up every penny to move back to Ireland...? 

I can't even write a proper post. How regretable! All I can think of is how pathetic I may sound when I tell myself that everything is fine, but my facial expressions tell a different story. Because deep down, I'm completely lost. Lost between what is needed for me at the moment and what I truly desire which is a blur, a fogged out little thought that won't come through to let me make a decision. 

Why? Why is so complex to make a decision? 

Sometimes, I wish I was back in in a different time period kind of like how the TV show "Outlander" made it... Falling in love with a brave Scottish soldier, seeing something else, be someone else, start fresh and be lost ... 

What can I say, one can only dream! 

~Bella

Coming back to Europe

What a few months I had... But I'm back in Europe, tired but I'm "home" after over nine years. 

I could start with the good that is happening but that may lead to a novel just like stating all the negatives and I don't feel like writing too much about it. So I thought it would be an eye-opening for some people if I talked about how it is to be in my early twenties, living in France and how financially, relationship wise, and how my view of certain things have changed over the course of a few months. I'm positive that many young people have either experienced or are experiencing my current situation. And to be fairly honest, it's always needed to hear that we aren't alone in a current matter. We never are! 

I'm in France, living with my friend and her housemate with a cat, needy, cuddly cat. Close enough to about everything, and despite my "I don't want to get out", I still go out on occasions (mostly grocery shopping or the rare drinking at the pub nights). Great location, enough space, and I'm free to do as I wish which is always a little plus! 
France wasn't my first choice, my choice at all, but a needed one. I don't regret it but the homesick feeling, the simpler life back in Ireland is missed, greatly missed. Between the people, the drinks, and the little towns where everything is easy to get to is missed. I'm not saying France doesn't have little towns, but I just miss the feeling of home. But right now, I'm in France and I have my own choices to make! 

First, my living situation! Either I stay in France, look for a cheap apartment close to downtown, to everything, or I try to move back to Ireland. Sounds simple, I mean obviously I would pick Ireland, but is it in my best interest at this current moment or should I wait until I have a lot more money?  This leads to number two...

Second, financially... I'm in my early 20's, meaning saving up money is nearly impossible especially in my case. Coming from California, you have to realize that you cannot save up any money because rent is above expensive and the living accommodations aren't always cheap either (groceries, bills...)
I already got it bad by living in California and spending money on rent, but when you start living around, try to please yourself with little things, or buy people things, it could end up being a nightmare. A real nightmare. Money goes away faster than it comes in... So right now, living at my friends, helping out with rent could be the best solution, for the time being. It's not like I don't have a job, I do have one and I'm sure I'll get a better pay soon enough. But by living in France, I kind of want my own little studio or one bedroom apartment. A way to have people over without worrying if it's going bother anyone not that it will... This lead to number three...

Third, relationships... I mean friendship as well... Any relationship is very complex at the moment and I believe it's my fault. Care too much, make mistakes, say whatever I think maybe at the wrong time, and instead of explaining things I just ignore and leave. Somehow I managed to have low energy in this category. Don't feel like meeting new people, don't feel like rebuilding. It's hard to trust again, and when I think I did with someone, I had to mess things up. Doesn't seem like it matters much if it was a friend or more than a friend. I will mess everything up. Talk about having a power, I believe I just discovered mine, the destructor. Coming back to France made me think a lot about friends, how I'm supposed to speak to EVERYONE in French even though it is a pain at times, I'm more comfortable in English. It feels more like I'm closing myself, completely, shutting myself off, slowly but surely. 

They say, "You are young, you've got your whole life ahead of you..." but expect you to have it figured out. Make important decisions and expect you to follow through without issues. I'm young, yes, I ain't denying it, but I never truly felt that young, preferring to make my own decisions, making tons of mistakes. But this time, I'm tired, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to be an adult without assistance, without a support, an aid. And shutting yourself isn't a solution, I know it's not and yet it's exactly what I'm doing. Funny thing is I'm the one who should listen to my own advice, look myself in the mirror and tell myself how everything will be okay.  
Do we ever take our own advice? 
For people who have been asking me when I'm coming back to California, I'm not going back. Stop asking, there's no reason for me to go back. 
For the people who keep asking me what's my plan... I don't know, I still haven't figured it out yet, and I don't believe I will anytime soon. Give me a good reason to stay in France? Give me some reason to go back home to Ireland? Give me some advice maybe you'll be helping me see things through instead of trying to force something that isn't coming. 

If you are in a similar situation, don't take any advice from people who only want to be selfish. Listen to yourself as well, make mistakes, learn from them, and be smile because it's not the end just yet... It's only the beginning!

~Bella

Break is over and reality hits you!

Hello back...

As you can tell, I'm back and running again! 
Lots have happened since my last post back in June... From quitting both my jobs, getting an online job and moving back to Europe! I spent a little over a month in Ireland, mostly in Waterford and I'm currently in France living at my friend's place until things calm down... 

What I mean by calm down... I started my new job not too long ago, so financially I'm unstable as I had to pay my friend back for my flight to France and other things... Europe is cheaper than America but when things don't turn out for the best, money runs away from you! It hides into the shadows and disappears fast! 
A dream came to an end for multiple personal reasons, if you want to read more about it, here is a blog post which I wrote not too long ago https://wander.media/what-i-want-and-what-happened
Not too long but it does talk about how my dream came to an end and what's going on at the moment. Nothing too excited but a small depression is sneaking around the corner, waiting for me to crack into millions of pieces... Not looking forward to it at all. 
Not the best came out of my situation but I truly wanted to make that dream of mine work, maybe one day. For now, I'm in France, I'm enjoying some time with my friend and her friends. Much older, mature and responsible despite the partying and the alcohol, but we always make it home... I never thought I would come back to France and here I am!

I have my whole life in two suitcases, books for days and notebooks... I ain't sure where everything is leading me, every day is a new day... But not knowing what's the next step or where to go isn't easy. I'm still waiting for me to cry my eyes out on the whole situation, still haven't. Still, haven't gone through much to say the list. 

So I'm back, not sure if I'm going to post every week, but I will try to share some of my time in Ireland with you as well as France... Share the last bits of me next time...

~Bella

Taking a break!

Sorry for not writing as much as I used to, but summer has arrived, birthdays have indeed come around, and personal dramas have entered my life faster than anything else... 

Living in California is making me want to jump off a bridge... No, do not worry it's only a metaphor, overly dramatising the situation! I won't be jumping but I'm trying to get paid for writing articles... And on a lucky day, I discovered a website... 
https://vocal.media/

Check it out as much as possible! Amazing articles are on there and I'm trying to publish mine... So hopefully this will bring some money to the table and it will make me known a bit more! 

I'll get back hopefully soon enough if you want to be noticed on when I post I suggest you subscribe to me on the side column. You won't regret it and it won't annoy you with email, just one when I post an article! 

Hope you enjoy your summer!

~Bella

"What should I do?"

Take it slow, or just go for it...

I recently crossed a small issue... A small unexpected heartache, nothing special, but special for me to make it a big deal out of it. When am I not making a big deal out of a love story or love issue?  It might actually be my hopeless romantic side of me kicking in each time something is happening, each time I get attention from a guy, a sweet guy.

To get back on track of the post, it's about this person who doesn't have the best reputation around town, not the best past when it comes to relationships, nor have the best current health. Sadly, when you hear things from friends, you tend to back off a little which doesn't give a good impression to the other person. Listening to everyone doesn't give you everything on the person you are interested in, and even if you know it yourself, your friends' judgments are important as well as your own because you want to trust them.
In my case, I'm still trying to make my own judgment, my own thoughts, and even if I see good in him, I have my friends around with their own sayings. Despite the fact that I adore learning more about someone by myself, I like to have some background on the person, knowing some dirt, and this time the dirt isn't that bad. And yet...

Should I listen to everyone? Should I listen to every bad comment? Every little thing everyone has to say about the person when I know my own reputation isn't the best either?
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Everyone is entitled to share them with you, but the good news is that it is up to you if you want to take everything or not. Opinions are based on interpretations, people's interpretations. So why do we listen to them, why do we take them into consideration? Why do we care this much? Because humans care, humans need other's approbation and even if you try to ignore it, deep down you know you want to please others as well.
I personally try not to please everyone as I know I won't be able to do so, can't be liked by every single person on the planet, but what my friends say have to affect me in some ways. I get affected because I put some kind of trust in them, trust that wasn't easy to gain in the first place as I don't trust anyone. If you are one who takes it personally, please don't, it's unnecessary as I don't even trust my own mother, well, not entirely. 

Hard to make your own opinion when you hear, listen to people, when you are living in a small town where everyone, almost everyone knows each other. When half of the population love to gossip around. My little issue is knowing that the guy who I appreciate and trust enough, isn't liked by my friends, isn't understood and somehow, despite the fact that everything is against him, my mother nor one of my bartender don't seem to have something against him at all. Well, to be fairly honest, it's my bartender who introduced me to him. Yes, my bartender, the one who doesn't want to see me leave the country, doesn't want me to go back home. The same bartender who is looking for my future husband, the same one who is always asking "When are you getting married?"
It is his fault if this guy and myself are always trying to see each other when we are at certain bars. It's the same bartender who has to tease me and the guy when we are sitting next to each other, telling us how a perfect couple we are in front of other customers. Talk about intimacy and friendship... That's nearly impossible when your bartender has to come in the way, teasing us nonstop about our relationship, the one which isn't there yet!

Indeed, my mother met the guy, (let's call him Connor even though it's completely different). My mother never saw anything bad about Connor, thought a good shave and a good haircut would make him look more handsome, his posture needs some improvement, but other than that, she saw something else... Something much deeper than appearance. My mother always needs to see what's behind the appearance. See what's makes the person themselves. The sweetness, the gentle way he had to look at me and her, the charming little smile he gave her as he shook her hand, shy and a bit sad. All she saw was the pain he had to endure. Not sure how she got that from seeing him for thirty minutes. I guess body language is more powerful than words. The entire time, my mother was sitting across from me, next to my friend, observing Connor, observing his every move, seeing how he was, how he observed back at us at certain moments. My mother doesn't come off as easy, just nice, too nice and trustworthy. She trusts too easily as well that's why I tend to not show her anyone, never make her meet that many people especially around my group of friends. But this time, she took all her energy not to trust Connor, to have a harder opinion of him, harder first impression.

Now, my opinion, my thoughts are in between two chairs. On one side, my friends who are harder to impress, harder on Connor, and then, the others who try to see the 'why' behind his actions, the more understandable ones. I'm between two different opinions, different views, and mine just happen to be blurry. Completely blurry. Making it difficult to see the right and the wrong. 

Then again, you can't rely on anyone's judgements except yours as you will have to live with your own choice, not anyone else. 

"A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follow the public opinion." 

~Bella

Now she's gone... So is he...

A few weeks later, the post is back... Sorry for not posting for a while, busy life has being in the way making it difficult to write, especially when the inspiration isn't around. Can't force it... So welcome back! 


Have you ever dreamed of becoming famous? Be a wealthy lawyer? Have a pool in your home? Own a Ferrari? Dreamed of becoming the next best world dancer? Have a family with a dog? Own your own company? 

A dream? A simple dream?
I sure had lots of them as a kid, and despite obstacles that life threw at me, I still have them to this day. My mother always told me to believe in them, to do whatever it takes to make them a reality, to believe in myself, but sadly, I never truly thought I was capable of much. Even my teachers, on my school year report card, "B... needs to believe in herself a bit more. She is capable of a lot, but lack of self-confidence is making her be in the back more often than the front..." And I will pass on the details of what they all thought of me. Apparently, I was doing acceptable work, but since I was lacking such self-esteem, my teachers always had something to say on the subject. It never helped me, I always took it as a bad comment for myself. The more they said it, the more they had to comment on the view I had on myself, the more they made it seem like something was wrong with me, the less I was going to think good things about myself... I never grew out of this insane loop, the twist is the more they would talk about my low-self-esteem, the more I was going to have it. It never helped.
Not only I had to read comments from teachers, but my father never truly supported my decisions, supported my dreams... Supported me in general. One could say "He did, what are you talking about? When you were playing piano, he was forcing you, putting you down as soon as you made a slight mistake, he was pushing you to do better." Not sure if that would be supporting me. To me, it felt more like a "need to be better" than " if you want to be better". 

I can't argue with this, but you have to be in my shoes for just a second, and for that to happen, let me tell you a short story.
Once upon a time... 
Just kidding, I won't start with the most common beginning.
"I can hear the mistake you just made, start from the beginning!" My father would tell me when my finger slipped on the wrong note. Yes, it would happen, a slight slide towards another note would be fatal, but I was careful, and still learning so I had excuses. For my father, it was a whole different story! I started piano when I was young, feeling the keys under my fingertips, being in control of what I was playing was quite a nice feeling altogether. I was a fast learning, and my piano teacher saw the opportunity to write new piano sheets for me, between the pop rock and the unbearable indie, alternative songs that I would love to listen to, he had work to do. My piano teacher was an amazing pianist, and he always managed to write music sheets according to my level. I think he was one of those people who sent me higher, telling me I was talented and if I continued I would do much more. But life got in the way, and once again a dream was cut short. Today, I don't own a piano, but still play around on hard surfaces, having melodies playing in my head, melodies which I haven't played in years, but only with my fingers playing around. The ones I would enjoy singing along to as they were famous pop-rock songs from an old French band. Yes, even at a young age, I was fascinated with oldies. I was never one for lessons, but if I had the chance to play something I loved, I would go right ahead. Going to school for piano wasn't a desire, but I could have got the chance to go if I desired, but that again, is one more lost cause. The day I change my mind on something set, it will be snowing in Santa Barbara, and let's be honest, I don't see that coming soon.

To get back to the short story, my father made my life a living nightmare when it came to practising. He would force me, put me down whenever he had the chance to, and even if I was performing well, no applause,  no reactions just, "Continue" or "Start again". Talk about dictatorship... Playing piano was never a dream but it slowly became one. I dreamed of playing and owning my own grand piano, the long black ones. To play for hours even if I was awful at it, I would keep going. I lost a lot of my capacity over the years of non-playing. Each time I touch a piano, my mind goes directly to the bad comments that my father would say on each occasion.
Owning my own black long piano is a dream, and it could potentially happen, I'm not on my deathbed yet, I've got time, I hope I do, so I can make this dream come true..."

Dreams may sound like the wishes that are nearly impossible to do, to have, that's why they are called dreams. The things you wish you had, the things you could do, could say. The things that are in the back of your head, waiting for you to fall asleep to surface and send you to dreamland, the land of every possibility.

Tonight, my mother decided to message me, to tell me how she wants to see me happy even if that means not seeing me as much. As for the past few months now, I want to go to back to Europe, live there and not come back to the States. To finalise my stay back in Ireland where I belong. It's difficult when you don't belong in a country you don't understand others' life views. A country where half of the population is ignorant enough to make you think twice about why you started talking to them in the first place. Tough times, tough life, tough situations, it's only getting worse... The more I see and talk to people in Santa Barbara, the more I miss home, I miss Europe in general. 
Even though I live in California, my mind is elsewhere, somewhere where I feel like home, feel like I belong there without asking myself questions. And with this, I started developing a dream, a goal of a sort. Own my little pub where there'll be books to read in the back of the little pub, sort of like a tea shop/ library. Combining three of my favourites, tea, pub, and books. 

What my mother hasn't realised is my mind has set, and I won't change it, I will leave this country, this state and even if it doesn't make her happy, I know deep down, she'll understand. Not sure how I'll break the news to her, but I will... Somehow...

To conclude this post, if you have a dream, don't let anyone make you think twice about it. Just go for it, fight for it, believe in it and never give up because everything is possible if you set your mind to it. 
Dreams are here for reasons, to give you hope, faith in yourself. Just don't let yourself down, don't cut yourself short because an obstacle is in the way. You never know what may come around, because if you haven't succeeded it just means it's still on its way to you. A little more time is required, that's all. 

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt

~Bella