Time Apart...

Little side note to my dear mother who's birthday was yesterday, Happy Birthday!

Can spending time away from your partner help your relationship, save it from destroying itself?

A question which doesn't have a concrete answer, nothing to prove it will fix a relationship, everyone deals with important situations differently. 
Throughout the little experience I had and seeing lots of relationships fail, I can consider myself lucky enough to have seen how taking time for ourselves may help fix a few issues that you may have in your relationship. 

Taking a break doesn't mean go back on a hunting ground, sleep with others. If you want to look for someone else, it will be a breakup and not a break. Wanting to sleep somewhere else, not wanting to take some time off to gather around your mind just means you want to break away from the relationship, so now it's up to you either you want to end the relationship or take some time off. 

I would personally take some time off the relationship when the apologies, sweet words, compliments don't work anymore. We all make mistakes and apologizing is a big deal, not many of us can take responsibility for their actions. If my partner wouldn't take it in consideration then, it's time for a break. 
Next, the "miss" emotion that you once had is gone. The things you used to do, cute messages before bedtime, the few moments spent together before going back home to deal with other things. When you live with your partner, the "miss" feeling fades away, and sometimes we need to miss the other person to understand how much they mean to you!
Obviously, there is that moment when arguments are louder than your apologies. Fights take over your life, and you two no longer hear each other talk. Arguments happen, we can't always be on the same page, but when the only thing you do is fight, constantly point the finger on the other, making them feel horrible, take a break. No need for a breakup, but let some time to pass by, get your calm back, focus on what really matters may help. Not hearing your partner is a sign of a bigger issue. 

Taking some time off is helpful! Having some alone time is appreciated, but we forget how much we need this special time because we have been with our partner for so long. In order to gather around our train of thoughts, our feelings back together can only be done when you are far from your relationship. Being away from your partner could end up being beneficial. I ain't telling you to move on and sleep around, party all night long! I'm telling you to go out, take some time off, be with yourself, ask yourself questions such as "Do I miss him/her?", see your flaws, your wrongs, and what you can do to make the relationship better. 
It sounds simple when I put it down on a blank page, but on the contrary. 
Taking time off from a relationship, from your loved one is harder than it seems. It takes courage to tell them that you need to gather yourself for a bit, away from the relationship. 

Have you ever looked at your partner and felt tired, bored? It does happen after a long time, especially if you let the routine run your life. It will most likely ruin the fun you once had. Boredom is a sign of getting tired of either your partner's behaviors or the situation which keeps happening. So when I think about a break, I think about the set of new fresh eyes, the new perspective to give to the relationship. 

Now, the issue about taking breaks is being on the same page, being understandable, and making sure that a break doesn't mean a breakup. Establishing some ground rules, making sure that's what you really want and not just a way to escape the reality. And you have to accept the fact that taking a break may take you a step closer to an actual breakup. It may seem like it could help bring a couple closer, but in fact, it can do the opposite especially now with our society and the temptations which keep coming at us. 
Make sure you communicate the boundaries, what the next step will be, and be determined to stay together. 

If you are both on the same page, communication happen, there is a pretty good chance that the break will do a lot more good than bad. 

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." - Khalil Gibran

~Bella

The bloody question that never get answered!

WARNING: I won't say real names because I don't think it's necessary... I don't want you to continue reading if you don't want to know about narcissism! It's only my experience, what I saw and had to endure. I don't need you to lecture me about not having a psychology degree, I don't think I need one to know exactly what I saw. I did on the other side took classes, and read many textbooks, learned from experiences as well as others. Please, don't think you are living under the same roof as a person who may seem like a narcissist, just because you act a bit like one doesn't make you one! It's like you can be distracted, compulsive and not have a disorder.

Narcissism is a personality disorder which may impact those surrounding the affected person as much as themselves just like anxiety may does. Quite difficult to notice at first, but as the disorder progresses, the symptoms and associates traits/ behaviors become more pronounced. A personality disorder is simply a pattern of thoughts or behaviors that are significantly different from those expected in a specific culture or society. Just because you may have a set of pattern doesn't mean you have a disorder!

I have lived under the same roof of a narcissistic person, and to be honest, it wasn't a piece of pie, a joyful moment. Narcissists do not do well under overwhelming emotions, or feelings, when someone tells them their issues, the words come through, but the lack of concern about their emotion isn't present. Out of these emotions, anger and fear come along, fright the narcissistic person, who will find a way to transfer or assign blame to someone or something if these emotions rush in. Somehow, if the person breaks something, they will try and blame the person who gave them the object, not taking responsibility for their action. 
There are times when we have an angry reaction, throw plates onto the wall, or punching a chair, after all, if there is some type of stress in your life, it is understandable to be angry. Now, if it becomes a normal behavior, then you may consider it a sign of "something is wrong". 
I personally had to deal with grandiosity! This is overlooked by many of us; it could seem like it's bragging, but it's more than this! 
Grandiosity is being unrealistic! It's when an individual has a very inflated view of him or herself that they then portray to the outside world. They become louder than everyone else around only to show they are, the bigger person in the room. Tendencies of dressing well, showing off to the world in case someone important comes along... Feeling superior to others, even his wife or her husband becomes real. No matter what, they will say or do, nothing is good enough for the person who suffers from narcissism. The person uses his contacts for his own deal, nothing more, nothing less. 
Humans take advantage of people in general, but somehow we also manage to give something back, in return, but narcissistic people won't do anything for anyone, yet, they will continue to take advantage, use everyone, freely. The word, "sorry" doesn't go through, it never comes up, the responsibility of their actions are denied, and apologies are forgotten! Never will they apologize.

When you live under the same roof as a person who shows a narcissist side, you begin to see everything wrong with the person, nothing goes right. It's almost as you feel insecure around them, unaware of what the person may do next. Since, most of them are unpredictable when it comes to their emotions, and how manipulative they can be if something doesn't go their way, this may result in you being afraid, frightened. Again, seeing and accepting the traits that they are showing can be complex, not always easy to recognize the behaviors. After all, narcissists are generous with their advice, time, and often even their money. If they do give you their time, advice, it's not for you, it's for themselves! It's to show how intelligent they are to you, show how good they can manage situations, time, money. They know you are going to listen to them, confident enough in their own skin to think they are unpredictable. 
Don't think they can't love or form a bond, they can indeed do, just differently from us, they form bonds based on utility. They won't call you, check up on how you are doing, they only need to converse with you to get something... Narcissism isn't an easy disorder, it may be hard to recognize mostly because each trait that make up a narcissistic person could be given to everyone else. We all feel anger, fear, use people for our own good, like to be right, feel confident enough that we feel superior to others... But if this type of behavior is becoming "normal", you may consider it narcissism. 

Living with a person who only think about themselves, only listen what they want, understand what they want, and making everyone feel horrible for mistake they did. Some questions may help you recognize if you are one or they are...

1. Do you consider yourself smarter than most, if not, all of the people around you? If so, do you also tend to change the path of conversations to the things you know, think and have?

2. DO you consider yourself above reproach? Many times, a narcissist will think - the rules don't apply to me. They are in place to keep other people in line, but I can break a rule here and there, because I understand how rules work and should be applied. 

3. Do you get angry when someone offers your constructive criticism, or do you sometimes mistake other people's words as direct criticism of your personally? 

4. Do you apologize? Many narcissists refuse to ever apologize, even when they are entirely at fault. For example, if you unknowingly hurt someone's feelings, do you offer words of apology?

5. Do you blame your emotions on others? A narcissist is often unable to cope with or accept his or her own emotions. Do you attribute your anger to the actions of others? Do you rely on others to supply your happiness, leaving them open to blame should something go wrong?

6. Do you feel that your life and well being is more important than anyone else's? A narcissist will have very little genuine interest in other people. 

Now, if you are concerned about narcissism after considering your answers to these questions, then there is probably only a 50% chance that you, personally, are a narcissist. Don't get overwhelmed by it all though... If you are concerned that you are offending others with the behaviors mentioned above, you are taking the time to consider the impact of your actions and reactions to others. 

"When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will instead try to control how others see you."

~Bella

Having a difficult time resolve a conflict?

Last time we talked about flexibility for children and I thought it was a good reminder for adults... Today, we are talking about...

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Teaching kids to solve their problems. 

WHAT IS IT?

" Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it." - Dorothy Thomas

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?

Conflict is part of life. No matter what line of work your child eventually chooses, he will need to be able to wirk with others and deal with the inevitable conflicts that go along with that. Conflict is also a natural part of friendships. Your child will need the skills to deal with conflict in a safe and reasonable way. 

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

* Uses techniques to "cool off" before speaking

* Listens when others are speaking

* Is able to express themselves clearly and calmly

* Gives reasonable solutions to the problem

How you can help your child

1. Coach them through it

Each conflict your child encounters with another child can be a learning experience. Each of these experiences, if handled well, will add up to a child who is able to resolve their own conflicts peacefully. Instead of "rescuing" or solving your child's problems, coach them through it. Support them when needed, but ultimately leave it up to them to find a reasonable solution to their problem.

2. Teach I message

When frustrated, it's easy to place blame on others. Teach your child how to give an "I" message. The format looks like this: "I feel_____, when you _____" For example, your child could say, "I feel upset when you call me by my nickname, please stop." This format places emphasis on how the child is feeling, and not on who is to blame. "I" messages may feel unnatural to your child at first, but eventually they will become second nature.

3. Show them how to apologize

There will be many times when your child will be on the offending side of a conflict. It's important that your child knows how to give a meaningful apology. Hero's a helpful format: "You felt ____, when I _____, next time I will ____" For example, your child could say, "You felt angry when I took your toy, next time I will ask before I borrow it."

4. Practice, practice, practice

Use any opportunity to discuss conflict resolution with your child. TV shows, movies, and books all open up the opportunity to talk about what each character could do to resolve their conflicts. If your child is struggling with conflict resolution, it may be helpful to "role play" how they could appropriately react to situations that they may face at school. 

Conflicts are one issue that everyone have to handle, daily. Some of us will get our anger out by shouting, others will ignore the problem and move on. We act differently when overcoming our fears, regrets and conflicts. Children are taught how to deal with them a certain way, instead of pushing or pulling another's hair, they have to communicate. Adults are the same! In my opinion, adults are pretty much like children. We never fully "grow up", there are always little things that makes us kids, inside. Look how we handle economic crisis, or disagreement on religion or oil land, we go to war, we use violence to deal with conflicts instead of talking to one another. I'm talking about big crisis, but let's see how we deal with small ones. For instance, imagine you are a calm driver, stuck in traffic to go to the LAX airport. You are peacefully listening to your music when the car behind you bump into your car. What will you do? Some will get out and start shouting, "Where is your insurance, it's your fault..." Does this sound very sweet and peaceful? No! Others will pull over on the side of the road, ask if everyone is alright, ask about what happened, the insurance, make sure that everyone is doing alright, and calmly take each other's information. Does this sound more nice? I believe so. Sadly, our society isn't all this peaceful. Some people never learned how to manage conflicts, and as adults, they still don't know.

Why wait to teach your children how to 

manager their anger, to manage situation, resolve conflicts? Why? It's never too early! Children are like sponges, they will absorb informations without difficulties, it may take practice, but at the end, you'll be proud of the work you put into teaching them such an amazing life lesson! Instead of killing someone over a slight arguement, they will be communicating and fixing the problem without shouting and making no sense of what they are saying! 

"We must teach our children to resolve their conflict with words, not weapons." - William J. Clinton

~Bella