Welcome 2019

Happy New Year!

A week already in the new year and I'm sick. Nothing too exciting, it happens every year. Normally, it's an entire week of suffering, but this time, I really don't want to go to the doctors so I'm ignoring it by drinking lots of tea and soup. I would have gone for a pint of Guinness, but France does not have good ones, so no drinking for a  while. Dry January of a sort... We'll see if it works... 


As many of you may already know, some of us are into making goals, plans for the coming year. And the rest of us, we already know that the goals we want to achieve just won't work so we just don't have resolutions... I'm in the category where we know, we just don't do it. 
Oh, don't get it wrong, I have plans, but it will take a while to do what I want to achieve. I'm not fully ready... 

For now, I'm going to get medication in my system, try to survive another few days of this sickness and I'll be back and running on the blog. 
Sorry, I caught a bad cold especially at the start of 2019.  

Hope you all had a wonderful celebration and good luck for the coming year! 

~Bella

Christmas Little Joys

Christmas is approaching faster than expected and I'm beyond EXCITED! 
As you may already know, Christmas is my favourite holiday (it hasn't come close to my favourite time of the year though, the first day of Autumn), and feeling jolly is quite a perk during December! 

Between the movies and the songs that have been playing on my laptop, phone or even outside in the streets, I've been even more homesick than usual. You cannot imagine how much I want to be in Ireland at this moment, being able to breathe fresh air (somehow the air isn't the same in France), drink my tea with a full creamy, perfect milk and being able to order a pint of Guinness knowing it's going to be amazingly delicious... Sounds horrid, pathetic, nonetheless all that, I managed to get a few things to cheer me up, it is Christmas time after all. Everyone should be happy! 

First off... A friend of mine got a tiny Christmas Tree, called him Norbert (don't ask why that name, I don't know myself... He just decided Norbert was a good idea which is entirely debatable). We couldn't get a tree at my place, my friend isn't into Christmas and we live with a cat that would have destroyed the tree no matter what. So I got a tree at my friend's place, good thing I go there enough to see it!

Then... We've got the homesick feeling that is back. I want to be back in Ireland, badly, and I can't. A friend back home was asking when I was coming back, not knowing what to tell him made me feel awful. Also a big part of why I'm so homesick these past few days. I paused the Christmas films and decided to get back on Irish TV... Laugh at me all you want but you've got to understand that Irish TV for me is pretty much, friends hanging around on the couch, drinking tea, eating cookies or crips, and watching programmes such as Gogglebox or the Naked Attraction which are both British programmes. I mean it's funny and I missed watching it in the evening when we had a long day of work. For a few days now, all I've been watching is Gogglebox and there are about twelve seasons so I'm caught up for a while which makes me happy. 

Next stop...I've been cooking again, and this time without red wine to distract me. I usually drink while cooking, either a beer or red wine just to keep me going. A way to enjoy cooking to the fullest. Made this simple spinach, artichoke and chicken recipe, it was delicious, didn't last two days like I anticipated, let's blame my dear friend who I live with... 

Christmas has been good, too much shopping for others but I don't regret one bit! Cool presents are going to be given and I'm proud of it. 
This time... I'm mostly looking forward to the new year which will be coming after Christmas Day. Getting a fresh new start sounds wonderful especially after this year. Not sure why 2017 and 2018 were terrible years between fires, mudslides, deaths, my health going bad, a dream coming to an end, and so on. I just want the year to be over so I can look forward to the next Christmas and this time... I'll be preparing my list of presents a bit earlier! No offence to the late buyers who loves the rush but I hate to not have my gifts on time! 

Enjoy your Christmas and family if you are with them. I know I'll be spending it with my friend, drinking... 

~Bella  

Let's sit and chat for a bit...

I don't know about you, but I've been questioned more often about the situation of France than my own situation, and if you don't know what's going on, well let me tell you a bit... 

Gilet Jaunes, Yellow vests... 
I'll make it short! It's pretty much...
A large group of protesters who are protesting against the government, against the rise of taxes and how unfair everything seems... The protest became violent as the president wasn't moving much and to be honest still doesn't move. 
Obviously, it's a bit more complex but if you are intrigued, here are some websites you can read a lot more about it all...

https://www.npr.org/2018/12/03/672862353/who-are-frances-yellow-vest-protesters-and-what-do-they-want?t=1544559157733

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-

46513189https://www.rte.ie/news/europe/2018/1208/1015963-france-yellow-vests-protests/

You will see photos and some good material! 

To make it clear I am NOT in Paris at the moment and I ain't planning on going there either. So stop asking if I'm okay because I am... This riot is far from simple to explain, I don't fully understand the taxes back in France (they are high), and I certainly don't pay attention to the political side of the country which may be a stupid bloody idea but I ain't interested at all. 
This riot shows how uneducated people can be! How bloody idiotic some people when they are under stress. The violence between civilians, students, the police and military is beyond me. I do not understand how they decided to be okay with this type of behaviour! 
I'm all up for a good revolution but this riot is far from what I can imagine! One would say I'm the peaceful type of person, but on the contrary, don't get me too mad or else little me becomes big me. It's not easy to be heard, especially when it concerns a government, but what they are doing is terrorizing people on the street, getting hurt, pushing too far and expecting nothing in return. 

How many protestors have gotten hurt? Too many to count, too many have been seen on videos. What I don't understand is how can someone expect to be treated as a good person when they are the ones pushing the buttons, pushing others to hurt them! 

I just see this whole blow up in their faces because ignorance is all over. It makes me feel sad, but then again... France is kind of like the USA, there's always something this stupid happening. There's always going to be something happening because being on the front page of social media, the news, the papers is better than being a boring safe country...

I don't expect anyone to understand my point of view, to agree with me, I don't personally care. What I care about is the fact that people are making bigger mistakes, talking about politics in front of kids, and not educate themselves before making more mistakes... 

In other words, if you want more about the Yellow vest, look it up online or talk to someone in Paris, I'm sure you'll hear stories!

~Bella 

Christmas month... Couldn't be happier!

December has arrived and I couldn't be happier. 

It's the perfect time to be jolly, to grab hot wine, hot chocolate with Baileys, Christmas songs and movies, the Christmas shopping and the obvious Christmas market...

Edinburgh Christmas Market 2018

Since it's December and we all have to wait for Christmas Day to arrive, I went through the list of my favourite Christmas films. One for each day... I started with my all times favourite which I'm sure is a classic....

Day 1- Love Actually! 
A classic that will always take everyone into a loving, joyful mood, and how can we forget the famous dance of Hugh Grant. 

Day 2- The Nightmare Before Christmas!
Famous Tim Burton's got it right with this film. Perfect for a family film... After Halloween... It's just perfect!

Day 3- Elf!
This one is most likely to be a favourite with the humour and Will Ferrell's acting is brilliant, everyone falls for the cuteness.

Day 4- How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
If you want to fall in love with a cute movie with an adorable child who saves Christmas then this movie is for you!

Day 5- The Santa Claus!
Growing up with this film made me fall in love with Christmas and the hot chocolate! 

Day 6- The Santa Claus 2!
If you watch the first might as well continue!

Day 7- The Santa Claus 3!
After two movies, let's finish the trilogy!

Day 8- Home Alone!
Full of laughs and cute moments, it's one of the classics...

Day 9- Miracle on 34th Street!
One more classic, many versions, and all of them are just amazingly cute! A family film for sure!

Day 10- Scrooged!
The story is beautiful, the lessons are powerful!

Day 11- Angela's Christmas!
A 2018 Irish Christmas film which is beyond adorable! How can I not put an Irish film on the list? It's adorable and everyone is falling hard for it. How can you not?

Day 12- The Polar Express!
I remember watching it with my brothers when I was younger and each year we had to watch the film and read the book!

Day 13- A Charlie Brown Christmas!
An American classic, one I will surely watch for the first time... I needed to add it to the list because I found it pointless not to put it. 

Day 14- White Christmas!
Classics are always best especially during this season! 

Day 15- Home Alone 2!
Another great movie, one you cannot skip!

Day 16- The Grinch!
A 2018 movie, Dr.Seuss always had wonderful books, and the film will be just as delightful to watch. 

Day 17- A Christmas Carol!
Same as Scrooged, but more a family style film. 

Day 18- Bad Santa!
If you are looking for more adult fun, go for it!

Day 19- It's a Wonderful Life!
One classic at a time, this one deserves more credit!

Day 20- Frozen!
I mean it's not specifically Christmas but it has snow and long lasting songs. We all know how 'Let It Go' get stuck in your head for days.

Day 21- Rudolph, the Red-Nose Reindeer!
Used to watch it when I was a kid, cute cartoon that made me think about my red nose when I was sick. 

Day 22- One Magic Christmas!
It's been a while since this movie, but a Disney film nonetheless!

Day 23- Gremlins!
If you want a spooky Christmas film, this one will be perfect! 

Day 24- 
Anything you want... I know I'll probably end up watching 'Love Actually', 'Angela's Christmas', ' Angela's Ashes' or 'The Snapper', an Irish classic which if it comes on the tele, you will end up watching it again no matter.

This year, Netflix is taking down Love Actually so if you are a fan, watch it sooner than later!  But it does reserve us amazing new films, and I cannot wait to get through the list of films and songs myself... After all, even if you are an adult, you will watch cartoons and family films because Christmas has the power to let everyone become a child all over again!

~Bella

"Aithníonn ciaróg ciaróg eile"

"A beetle recognises another beetle" or simply... "It takes ones to know one"... 

A friend of mine once told me that quote and since that day, it hasn't left me. Irish... Oh, don't I miss hearing it on the train or seeing it written on almost everything. 

I would have never thought I would be in another country when my mother was in Ireland. I would have never thought that I wouldn't be there when she was. And yet... There it was, the "never would happen", happened! 

I'm in France and she is in Ireland since November 27th when she arrived in Dublin. 

Despite my love for my dear mother, a part of me envy her. Jealous to see how she is home while I ain't, while she made a choice with my friend to make me leave the country. 

Hard to explain how something so tiny can affect you. Hard to recognise that it was for the best... 

I wouldn't change what happened, but accepting it has become harder each day.

Ireland, a country takes a whole lot of my love (don't worry, it seems like I have a big enough heart to hold a lot more), and I cannot deny it. It's only a feeling of belonging to a place where I can breathe fresh air, hold myself warm in a blanket while watching the rain outside the living room window, the smell of Guinness spilled on the pub's floor... Missing the long train rides, and the walks along the waterfront. I miss it all, but what can it do to dwell on it all? 

Keeping a good memory of it, trying to get the same tea brand back in France, the same scents which I do find when I walk by a bakery (surprisingly) and let's be honest, I do miss my fish and chips... I miss calling fries "chips" and miss speaking English or hearing it all the bloody time between the accents and the expressions... 

Funny thing is I could go on and on about everything I miss about Ireland and not get tired of it. I wouldn't mind stating every good thing and bad ones as well just to get it out of my chest... But what a boring post would that be... 

So to get back to the point of this post if does have one... I need to make a choice. To decide what's next for me, for my health, my relationships, my future. Sounds completely idiotic considering I'm still in my early twenties but trust me, if I could have been thirthy like my friend, I would! 

Choices... Hilarious... My last choice, wasn't mine, all I did was follow it through without crying my eyes out. Where should I go? Should I stay in France for a while and see where it leads me? Or should I save up every penny to move back to Ireland...? 

I can't even write a proper post. How regretable! All I can think of is how pathetic I may sound when I tell myself that everything is fine, but my facial expressions tell a different story. Because deep down, I'm completely lost. Lost between what is needed for me at the moment and what I truly desire which is a blur, a fogged out little thought that won't come through to let me make a decision. 

Why? Why is so complex to make a decision? 

Sometimes, I wish I was back in in a different time period kind of like how the TV show "Outlander" made it... Falling in love with a brave Scottish soldier, seeing something else, be someone else, start fresh and be lost ... 

What can I say, one can only dream! 

~Bella

Coming back to Europe

What a few months I had... But I'm back in Europe, tired but I'm "home" after over nine years. 

I could start with the good that is happening but that may lead to a novel just like stating all the negatives and I don't feel like writing too much about it. So I thought it would be an eye-opening for some people if I talked about how it is to be in my early twenties, living in France and how financially, relationship wise, and how my view of certain things have changed over the course of a few months. I'm positive that many young people have either experienced or are experiencing my current situation. And to be fairly honest, it's always needed to hear that we aren't alone in a current matter. We never are! 

I'm in France, living with my friend and her housemate with a cat, needy, cuddly cat. Close enough to about everything, and despite my "I don't want to get out", I still go out on occasions (mostly grocery shopping or the rare drinking at the pub nights). Great location, enough space, and I'm free to do as I wish which is always a little plus! 
France wasn't my first choice, my choice at all, but a needed one. I don't regret it but the homesick feeling, the simpler life back in Ireland is missed, greatly missed. Between the people, the drinks, and the little towns where everything is easy to get to is missed. I'm not saying France doesn't have little towns, but I just miss the feeling of home. But right now, I'm in France and I have my own choices to make! 

First, my living situation! Either I stay in France, look for a cheap apartment close to downtown, to everything, or I try to move back to Ireland. Sounds simple, I mean obviously I would pick Ireland, but is it in my best interest at this current moment or should I wait until I have a lot more money?  This leads to number two...

Second, financially... I'm in my early 20's, meaning saving up money is nearly impossible especially in my case. Coming from California, you have to realize that you cannot save up any money because rent is above expensive and the living accommodations aren't always cheap either (groceries, bills...)
I already got it bad by living in California and spending money on rent, but when you start living around, try to please yourself with little things, or buy people things, it could end up being a nightmare. A real nightmare. Money goes away faster than it comes in... So right now, living at my friends, helping out with rent could be the best solution, for the time being. It's not like I don't have a job, I do have one and I'm sure I'll get a better pay soon enough. But by living in France, I kind of want my own little studio or one bedroom apartment. A way to have people over without worrying if it's going bother anyone not that it will... This lead to number three...

Third, relationships... I mean friendship as well... Any relationship is very complex at the moment and I believe it's my fault. Care too much, make mistakes, say whatever I think maybe at the wrong time, and instead of explaining things I just ignore and leave. Somehow I managed to have low energy in this category. Don't feel like meeting new people, don't feel like rebuilding. It's hard to trust again, and when I think I did with someone, I had to mess things up. Doesn't seem like it matters much if it was a friend or more than a friend. I will mess everything up. Talk about having a power, I believe I just discovered mine, the destructor. Coming back to France made me think a lot about friends, how I'm supposed to speak to EVERYONE in French even though it is a pain at times, I'm more comfortable in English. It feels more like I'm closing myself, completely, shutting myself off, slowly but surely. 

They say, "You are young, you've got your whole life ahead of you..." but expect you to have it figured out. Make important decisions and expect you to follow through without issues. I'm young, yes, I ain't denying it, but I never truly felt that young, preferring to make my own decisions, making tons of mistakes. But this time, I'm tired, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to be an adult without assistance, without a support, an aid. And shutting yourself isn't a solution, I know it's not and yet it's exactly what I'm doing. Funny thing is I'm the one who should listen to my own advice, look myself in the mirror and tell myself how everything will be okay.  
Do we ever take our own advice? 
For people who have been asking me when I'm coming back to California, I'm not going back. Stop asking, there's no reason for me to go back. 
For the people who keep asking me what's my plan... I don't know, I still haven't figured it out yet, and I don't believe I will anytime soon. Give me a good reason to stay in France? Give me some reason to go back home to Ireland? Give me some advice maybe you'll be helping me see things through instead of trying to force something that isn't coming. 

If you are in a similar situation, don't take any advice from people who only want to be selfish. Listen to yourself as well, make mistakes, learn from them, and be smile because it's not the end just yet... It's only the beginning!

~Bella

Break is over and reality hits you!

Hello back...

As you can tell, I'm back and running again! 
Lots have happened since my last post back in June... From quitting both my jobs, getting an online job and moving back to Europe! I spent a little over a month in Ireland, mostly in Waterford and I'm currently in France living at my friend's place until things calm down... 

What I mean by calm down... I started my new job not too long ago, so financially I'm unstable as I had to pay my friend back for my flight to France and other things... Europe is cheaper than America but when things don't turn out for the best, money runs away from you! It hides into the shadows and disappears fast! 
A dream came to an end for multiple personal reasons, if you want to read more about it, here is a blog post which I wrote not too long ago https://wander.media/what-i-want-and-what-happened
Not too long but it does talk about how my dream came to an end and what's going on at the moment. Nothing too excited but a small depression is sneaking around the corner, waiting for me to crack into millions of pieces... Not looking forward to it at all. 
Not the best came out of my situation but I truly wanted to make that dream of mine work, maybe one day. For now, I'm in France, I'm enjoying some time with my friend and her friends. Much older, mature and responsible despite the partying and the alcohol, but we always make it home... I never thought I would come back to France and here I am!

I have my whole life in two suitcases, books for days and notebooks... I ain't sure where everything is leading me, every day is a new day... But not knowing what's the next step or where to go isn't easy. I'm still waiting for me to cry my eyes out on the whole situation, still haven't. Still, haven't gone through much to say the list. 

So I'm back, not sure if I'm going to post every week, but I will try to share some of my time in Ireland with you as well as France... Share the last bits of me next time...

~Bella