Does this change?

A couple of nights ago, I was unable to sleep due to stomach pain. No, this isn't going to be about being sick or feeling drained... Don't get me wrong, I wish I could complain to you, but it won't be this time!

While I was in bed, watching YouTube, listening to music, I went on Facebook. My news feed was filled with posts about Trump, Hillary, shootings from Americans, and arguments about football (soccer) from Europeans. If you didn't know, the Euros ended on Sunday with Portugal winning against France. My brother and I were supporting Portugal. No, we don't have Portuguese blood in us, but we prefer them over the French team. I was happy, but when I was reading these insulting posts about Portugal cheating, not deserving anything, being treated like complete garbage, I felt even sicker.
I posted something about football and being happy for Portugal as it was a miracle for them to win, one of my cousins from France commented asking if I had forgotten where I came from. It made me pissed off. I don't need to be for my birth country for a sport. It doesn't make you less of a patriotic person. I ain't going to cheer up for arrogant players that don't even play for the game itself but just for the money.
Then, later on, I read a post from another French person, a young girl, a year older than me, insulting Portugal, making a scene, having other French people comment, telling her to pretty much shut it up. To her, if you were French you were supposed to be for France and if you weren't you technically were a loser. It's a sport, indeed it's in our culture, blood, but just because you don't want to side with your country's team doesn't mean you are a loser who doesn't deserve to be that nationality. Just because I live in California doesn't make me an American, I'm still French. It's the same for football or any sports. It doesn't mean I won't fight for my country if a war broke out.
People disgusted me, I was in shock. I can't believe my own family would be as ignorant and so close minded than this. Asking me if I had forgotten where I came from? What does that make me? A traitor to my country? Just because I won't side for France in football? It's shocking!
I spent two hours battling the idea that this young woman would be closed minded to the idea of other people teaming up for other countries...
Facebook is a place where you can write anything you want, but expect others to comment and be against you. Not everyone will comprehend and side for your opinion. I stand tall against people that can't see beyond their nose. I can't stand people accusing others of not being patriotic enough... What makes you think you are patriotic? Because you go for your country at a sport? But will you go and fight for your country if it's needed? I don't think so!

I had my mother on the phone that night as well, and I couldn't keep it all to myself, I had to tell her what I saw, what I read. She was in shock herself, not understanding why people can be so mean to each other, why they have to be so closed minded. I asked her how was France, if it changed much since I last went, and she couldn't deny the fact that France itself as a country had in fact changed. Everything I hear is true, what I saw four years ago was true.
When you travel and live in another country, your view about life becomes bigger than most people. You tend to look at things differently than people from your own country.
Last time I came back to France, I didn't feel at home at all, not that I feel entirely at home in California either. It's an odd feeling to look lost in your country, around people who can't be open minded about a sport, about people in general.
My conversation with my mother helped me understand how and why this young woman insulted Portugal and other countries before. She helped me realize how French people are... And it made me feel better about myself... If you know me, you'll know that I do love to complain, but imagine it twice as much. My mum actually laughed when she told me that she heard them complain about the economy, the way of living... In France, it's free to give birth, you have help from the government after you have more than 2 kids living under your roof, you have everything handed to you. It's insane how much they have while we are in America where everything is costly. In California, to have surgery, you pay more than $1,000, in France, it's barely anything. And they still complain! Like come on now, wake up, get out of France, go look around, live in another country, you'll see how lucky you are!

To come back to the point of the Facebook post, I have to admit, most people should just keep things to themselves instead of posting it on social media! People should be like this kid in the video...

I'm still very sad to have read all these insults, comments, and beliefs. I mean it's a sport, you got for the players you like not for the country. If that was the case, players like Eder (Italian ) but born in Brazil wouldn't be playing in Italy at all, and we would lose a great forward player... That doesn't make him a traitor at all! He wanted to play for Italy, he got his citizenship and got to play. No one is insulting him for choosing Italy over Brazil! It should be the same for people. I wanted to side with Ireland, Britain, and Italy because I love the players... I won't side with a whole country when that one is just a disappointment! 

Yes, I'm disappointed in my country, what it has become, and what the people have been doing! It's a shame! I'm just disappointed to hear my own family telling me I ain't French anymore because I live in a different country and because I side with different countries for football... People have to stop being so cruel to one another. 

"Patriotism demands the ability to feel shame as much as to feel pride."- Anne-Marie Slaughter

~Bella

Ice cream or movie?

We are all different, so we deal with issues differently. 

Breakups are one these issues. 

I've currently had to deal with a breakup myself, and sadly, I'm still ignoring every feeling. When you happen to be with a person for a while and things go wrong... You become lost. It happened to me. I could see it coming for a month, so I had begun to put up walls around me to make me stop feeling any type of emotions. I was numbing everything with alcohol and a lot of pastries. I couldn't stop eating or drinking, too anxious of feelings all these emotions. I couldn't deal with the fact that it was over. I deleted every photo of us both on my Facebook, deleted my Instagram and made a new one. Put away everything that belongs to me in my closet. I couldn't bare the thought of us over, so seeing pictures would be a constant reminder, I blocked everyone on everything so I could ignore what happened and move on. I prefer to ignore when I know I wouldn't be able to survive the issues. That's what happened, even to this day I try to avoid songs, movies, games or even places we went because deep down it's still painful. 

When I deal with breakups, it simple, and I'm usually doing the same thing each time, but this one was an uncommon breakup and it's more painful. 
First I go through ice cream or gelato (what's in the freezing...)
Second I lock myself in my room for a couple days, crying, sleeping, crying...
Third I drink and pretend nothing happened.
Fourth I try to get out and see people.
Fifth I hide everything that belongs to that person, pictures and everything that reminds me of them. 
Sixth I make a list of everything I hate about that person. It's a great way to stop thinking they are angels. 

I can't believe I don't just deal with breakups like normal people, have a talk, reasons, and explanations. No, not in my case, I break down, get lost, completely lose it, become unsocial and the best one, I ignore... It's like turning off every feeling and emotion. 

The best thing that happens whenever I have to deal with something painful, I write. I escape reality with my characters, the ones I created throughout the stories. I don't get writer's block when breakups happen so maybe I should get hurt all the time in order to write more and probably better. Because when I write, I feel full, I feel like I'm complete. The more I look at it the more I see that no matter what I do, breakups are part of life, we can't avoid them. Even if we try hard enough. I mean there are plenty movies, TV shows, music about breakups to get you through it all. Even though you shouldn't watch or hear anything about it, it's natural, we all go through it and watch it all. 

Things you should never do after a breakup from my experiences...
Pretend you are fine that everything is alright. Don't do as I do. Pretending isn't good, you should accept the fact that it is over. 
Don't point fingers! I have personally never done that but on multiple occasions, they would blame me for everything. In a relationship, there are two people, meaning there will be errors on both sides. Don't point fingers, there's no point! 
Stop the drama! If I talk about the breakup to everyone and get into details, you look like a lunatic, just stop! It's annoying for yourself, but for everyone else around you, trying to keep up with your idiotic conversations that no one really cares about. It's good to talk, but don't exaggerate! 
Don't write about it on Facebook or any social media! I've seen it plenty times with others, it never goes well! 

So when it happens, try your best to accept and move, I'm harsh, I don't do it well myself, but it's the only way to actually find happiness. 

"No girl should ever forget that she doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her." -Marilyn Monroe

~Bella

One more year...

If you don't know me, you won't know about my birthday... Well, I'm posting this on a Thursday as Friday is my birthday! Yes, I'm turning 20, sounds exciting, indeed, but somehow it isn't! At least not for me!

When you are young, birthdays are fun, you grow up, you have a little party with other kids your age, and you just don't care about anything, to be honest. It's perfect, probably your favorite holiday, you get gifts, a birthday cake... So yes you are extremely happy!

On my birthdays, around the age of 5 to 8 maybe, I would invite friends, the close ones, mum would bake a cake, and we would have fun play outside, dance around with loud music... It would be a nice time for everyone including myself. You all expect to have fun, you know, but I'm the girl that is stubborn enough to make someone cry or be honest make it worse, so each time, after everyone leaves, I would get screamed at. I'm not blaming my father for it or my mother for that matter. It was me, someone would cross me and I would react, not the best thing to do at that age. Kids don't really get the message behind phrases and they would end up crying. After a while, you tend to just dislike birthdays in general, it reminded me that each birthday, I would either say something I regret or something would turn terribly wrong. I was right about that one!
Now each year, there's something going the wrong way! My 13th or 14th birthday, it wasn't mine at all, it was my stepmother's back in France even though she is the 9th of July and not the 8th like me. I had to just move on from my birthday. My 15th birthday, surprise party, I realized that I didn't love my boyfriend at all... My 18th in Mexico, I ended up having a "talk" which was more an argument. Last year, I almost told my mother to just ignore it because I didn't even receive a birthday wish from my grandparents nor my aunt. I'm used to not hear my father say it, but them... I got hurt!  I mean I could tell you all the things that went wrong each single year. And this year, my mother isn't here. I made it a little 'tradition' that she would always be here on it. But I'm growing old and she is leaving slowly. Not the worst thing, but it's painful to not have her around, and have a huge hug. I'm too sentimental...

Birthdays come once a year for everyone! Some ignore it, move on, while others have to have a party and enjoy it.
For me, I'm not sure about it. I have little gatherings and seeing people that I care about, but I don't like them anymore. It's not as fun as it used to. I'm growing up, I'm not a child, and I have responsibilities now. It's scary! A part of me just wants to go back and redo things I didn't get a chance to do...


But I have to admit that my dear mother has been around on each of my birthdays, except this year. She is gone, so I hate 20th birthday. She did invite people over last Friday and I enjoyed it a lot... Got to see people I care about, my little monsters that I love, and enjoy every minute of my early birthday! I've got a few gifts and I love them all as well as the time they spent with me last week. 

After reading quotes and wondering why so many people dislike it, I actually learn it's just a day to celebrate yourself. You can be 50 years old and still think like a 30 years old person. It's your decision to grow up, not the year, the age, the birthday! All birthday does it reminds you of how many years you spent on this planet, and remind you that you are as special as anyone else. Make the best out of it!

"Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional." - Walt Disney
~Bella

Just a little song...

I've got to enjoy the Cranberries again, the Irish rock band that always got me to shiver...
So here is a song that I really enjoy and the lyrics...

Just My Imagination

There was a game we used to play

We would hit the town on Friday night

And stay in bed until Sunday

We used to be so free

We were living for the love we had and 

Living not for reality

It was just my imagination (x3)

There was a time I used to pray

I have always kept my faith in love 

It's the greatest thing from the man above

The game I used to play

I've always put my cards upon the table

Let it never be said that I'd be unstable

It was just my imagination (x3)

There is a game I like to play

I like to hit the town on Friday night

And stay in bed until Sunday

We'll always be this free

We will be living for the love we have

Living not for reality

It's not my imagination (x3)

Not my (x18)

" It does not matter anyway." -Mesmerize (Promises The Cranberries cover)

~Bella

Ps: You should come by again tomorrow as I'm not posting on Friday... Sorry! But there will be one post tomorrow...

Happy 4th of July!

I don't personally celebrate it since it's not like my holiday, we don't celebrate it in Europe... Plus I ain't a fan of fireworks on this day because it reminds me too much of all these veterans trying to fight triggers from the war, fireworks sounds like gunshots, bombs, it's not cool for them! I don't see the point but it's how it is. 

All I have to say is have fun, and don't drink too much! 

Here are some videos for the 4th of July... Enjoy it! 

~Bella

That one question that pops up every time...

So far everyone asked me if I miss my home country, Europe... All I could respond was " Sure, sometimes I do miss it."
Despite family issues, terrorist attacks, and maybe the weather that may be terrible at times, I miss a lot of things. 

Being away from what you are used to can be challenging. The funny thing is that whenever I used to go back, I didn't feel home, just like I don't feel at home in California. Almost everything is different, and it took a while to get used to everything. I don't think I'm entirely acclimated to every single difference. 
Back home, kids are allowed in bars, can't drink until the appropriate age, but they are allowed in the bar. Orange juice or hot cocoa doesn't break any rules. While here you have to wait until you are 21 years of age to enter a bar, I understand that it's the drinking age but it's exaggerating! Since I have to wait another year to go drink in a bar, I can only drink at home or with people that don't care about me drinking. That my friend is very irritating! 
The portions, food wise and the large cups? In America, the large cups are large, while back in Europe the large cup would be called a small or medium for Americans... And food portions, back home, we have smaller portions, here, the plate could be for two or three people. I'm still aren't used to it yet, maybe one day...
The humor, Santa Cleopatra, this one gets on my nerves! See I can understand and laugh at the British humor all right, but the American one, still don't quite get it. For example, I went to the movies with a friend to watch Spy with Melissa McCarthy. It was funny, no doubt about that, but while the parts that everyone laughed at, I didn't, and I laughed when no one was laughing. Pretty embarrassing if I say the least. If I drink there'll be no problem laughing at your jokes, but other than that, I either don't get them or don't find them funny. Then people think I'm weird and have no sense of humor, b****, please. 
I like eating burgers, good ones, I don't mind them at all, but I can't eat multiple ones in a month. I'm more the European type of food, you know the ones that don't really get you fat much. I prefer cooking at home anyways, but the food is rather different. Like here, I can't eat red meat, or too much of it or else I have lower back pain. The first time that happened, I didn't think of the meat, and then I saw a pattern later on, plus my dear mother has the same issue so, not fun. 
Sports as you can already tell with my past posts, FOOTBALL is soccer, but we don't call it soccer, that's weird for us! Plus we have rugby to replace American football... Which in my opinion is probably worse cause there is no helmets or real protection so you see more blood, broken nose and pass on the rest. On the positive side, while Americans love your football, we love ours. I still need a partner that knows about football or at least played or something related because, to be honest, I can't stand watching baseball, American football or even basketball. I do ice hockey pretty well, but then again the best teams are Canadian teams hahaha. 
You know the sweet that you chew on for hours, the one you call "GUM", well Europeans even BRITISH people call it "chewing gum". No, you guys had to cut the word in half to be different! I was born in a country where chewing gum would be used, so I have a hard time just not say chewing gum. 
My point of view when it comes to love and life can be quite different, and misunderstood by many people. If I want to be friends or being in a relationship with someone, I need to either find someone open minded who traveled around, or a European so I can talk about everything without fighting or being judged. This one has some exceptions! I've got out with Americans before and it usually goes fine, but it's true, I have a harder time with them. Don't ask why, it's just a different culture, values, and point of views. 
Since I was on the topic of friends, let's talk about that for a little... I can count the real ones on my hand. Very few will be Americans... :( When you first come into a foreign country, you tend to shy away from everyone since you don't know how to act around them. That's what happened to me the first two years, first the language barrier, then I was "different". I would hang out with guys without any problems, then would come back to the girls, but it wasn't liked. They disagree on the fact that I could be friend with everyone and made me choose... That is not cool! Then you meet new people, nice and warm is the first impression you get. Most the time! Americans are quite warm people at the beginning, it's rather welcoming, I love it, it was the opposite back in my home country. In Europe, some countries, people are more on their guard, less warm or welcoming, they don't trust easily. Could be seen rude, I think French people hold that title... Anyways, Europeans tend to take their time in making friends because they want real friendships, the one that you can count on in any situation, while here, from what I've seen... They want friends, tons of them, they want to be acknowledged, will say 'Let's go out again soon' but then nothing, they disappear on you. That's just very odd for me, and that I ain't used to. Don't think I'm against Americans, far from it! My best friend is an American and I have an amazing friend who is also American!

The others are either European or have some European origins. 
The last point I want to make is me being brutally honest. I keep a lot to myself nowadays, though, it is sometimes hard to keep it in! I've always been honest, it started back when I was 3 or so years old. I had a grand-grandfather who smoked a lot and had tubes in his throat, he couldn't talk much, and for me, it was just disturbing. Whenever I would see someone with a cigarette in their hand or be smoking it, I would come up to them, stand tall (ok laugh, I wasn't tall, but I felt tall), and would finally tell them, "You are going to have a hole in your throat like my grand-grandfather." Imagine a little 3 years old going up to you, telling you that you will end up with a hole in your throat? Sounds funny, but people would look at me like  "What the ..." Pretty embarrassing time for my mother. I'm sorry she had to deal with me and still dealing with me. I feel bad for them, but hey, I was young and told the truth! When I came here, I realized that people would prefer to keep their mouth shut instead of saying what they have in their mind, they prefer to be hypocrites. They don't like to hear the truth! For some odd reason, I find it easier, to be honest in front of someone European. I ain't complaining and I comprehend why Americans are like that, but I wasn't raised around that. I'm getting used to it, though, keep things to myself, but if I don't like, you will either see it on my face or I'll just tell you directly... And I still don't care if you like it or not! Seems easier to make enemies here. It's like when we talk about politics, they want to hear my point of view, but they won't like it and tell me I'm wrong and that I shouldn't answer. First of all, I hate politics, the government sucks almost everywhere, it's corrupted. A bunch of lies is made up to make the citizens go vote for you, and I prefer to not even talk or mention it. Sometimes, people are curious, so I tag along, but I fail each time, being honest isn't appreciated, especially in politics. Well, at least I know I'll never make it as a president or senator hahaha... 

To conclude this answer, I do miss Europe in certain cases, but sometimes I don't. It's a love/hate relationship. In the future, if Europe is still standing, I'm planning on going back, but for now, I'm good where I am, unless something like Trump comes along and destroy my "ok second home", then I'm screwed! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask, I'll be happy to answer, but don't expect my answers to be exactly what you are hoping for. 
On the bright side, America has lots to give, it's a pretty generous country that is open minded and "new" compare to Europe. Now I won't talk about that yet since it wasn't the question of the day, but I wanted to clear things up before I pack this post! America is great, no doubts, it's welcoming and amazingly nice. There will always be some pros and cons in each country so ... 

"Being a foreigner is not a disease." -Alden Nowlan
~Bella

What a squad!

As the Euro Cup game, Italy vs. Germany is playing tomorrow, Saturday 2nd of June. 

I'm obviously for my team, Italy, but I also know there will be a risk of them losing to Germany. 

So here is the Italian squad:

The coach: Antonio Conte... I've never seen such a screamer and a monkey in my life. He will scream from the beginning till the last second of the game. Last time, the Spanish coach wasn't moving at all, not saying anything with the same facial expression on, the opposite of Conte. At the end of the game, Italy won and Conte decided to jump on the "protection thing for players", a real monkey! 

Goalkeepers (3 of them):
Gianluigi Buffon (1) also plays in Juventus... Considered one of the best keepers out there! I actually admire how he isn't afraid of going for the ball even if attackers from the other team are coming towards him. 
Frederico Marchetti (13) also plays in Lazio... I'm not sure what to say about him, I've barely seen him in a game. 
Salvatore Sirigu (12) also plays in Paris... Alright, this one plays in a French club and since I don't watch Paris at all so I can't say much. 

Defenders (6 of them):
Andrea Barzagli (15) also plays in Juventus...  A good center back, who knows how to defend the goal. 
Leonardo Bunucci (19) also plays in Juventus... Great passer, a tall and strong defender that is able to make long passes. Categorized himself as one of the best defenders, since he got better through the year 2014-2015. 
Giorgio Chiellini (3) also plays in Juventus... A force of nature that many coaches would love to have. One great leader behind Buffon, but personally I don't really know how to think about this player. 
Matteo Darmian (4) also plays in Manchester United... I love Manchester United and love the cute defender. Used to be in Torino, but got transferred to Man. United in July 2015. He was originally a center back but changed into the fullback position as he has the ability to play with both feet which to me is amazing! A legend! 
Mattia De Sciglio (2) also plays in Milan... A right-sided fullback who is quick on his feet. A real cute mature player who is going to go far. Don't know much about him, though. 
Angelo Ogbonna (5) also plays in Wes Ham United... A strong and powerful center back. I've watched him play a few times when he was in Juventus, but since then, I completely forgot he existed as I don't watch Wes Ham United. All I know is that he can pull off a great tactical play with his left.

Midfielders (8 of them):
Federico Bernardeschi (21) also plays in Fiorentina... A young midfielder or forward in his club, all I know from his play is that he is quick and has a strong left foot. Plays better in a 4-3-3 formation, he is one of Italy's most talented and exciting player. 
Antonio Candreva (6) also plays in Lazio... I don't know much either about this player as I dislike Lazio. I tend to not pay much attention when they play against Juventus or another team. I have seen the way he manages to be on the left side as well as the right. Great penalty kicker! 
Daniele De Rossi (16) also plays in Roma... I'm far from being a fan of him! He was given the title of "complete midfielder" because of his awareness during games, the pace, and his goal-scoring abilities. 
Alessandro Florenzi (8) also plays in Roma... For some odd reasons, I do find this player quite cute. I've seen how he plays mostly in his club, and so far in the Euro Cup I've seen a great style of play. He is tactically intelligent, quick, energetic, and a hard working player. 
Emanuele Giaccherini (23) also plays in Bologna... The only time I got to see him play was back in 2011 when he was in Juventus. Quick and hard working, he was developed as a winger due to his ability to dribble, agility, and balance. He can play anywhere he wants in midfield. 
Thiago Motta (10) also plays in Paris... Once again, I don't watch them so I don't know where he stands much. From what I've seen he is quite mature and well developed. He excels a lot more in the air. 
Marco Parolo (18) also plays in Lazio... Tall for a player! He is accurate when shooting, and he is quite powerful! 
Stefano Sturaro (14) also plays in Juventus... One of the most promising young footballers in the world due to his work-rate, composure, tenancy, and ability to read the game. He makes me think of my brother. They know where to play, it comes naturally. 

Forwards (6 of them):
Éder (17) also plays in Internazionale... A Brazilian-born footballer who got to play for the for Italy through more than 5-year of residency. He has both nationalities which are amazing! He is great at finishing the games which make the team in the EuroCup do better. 
Stephan El Shaarawy (22) also plays in Roma... I personally don't like him much, but I can tell you that he is one of the most promising and talented young Italian players. He has shown his shooting power with strikes from outside the box, which makes him an above-average passer. He is also known "Il Faraone" (The Pharaoh) since his father is Egyptian.
Ciro Immobile (11) also plays in Torino... A quick forward, but known for his offensive movement and ability to make attacking in order to exploit spaces. He can finish the game with both feet. He won't back down from chasing after the ball and press opponents when not in possession. 
Lorenzo Insigne (20) also plays in Napoli... One of the shortest player I know, but his nickname is Il Magnigico. An amazing, creative, agile, a balanced player who has a great vision, ball control, and dribbling ability. He is capable of scoring goals himself and is an accurate set-piece taker. One of his former Napoli teammates referred him as "Italian Messi". 
Graziano Pellè (9) also plays in Southampton... One of the most annoying footballers I know! He pisses me off, I mean he is a strong, large and hard-working striker who does great in the air due to his height and physical attributes, but he won't calm down on the "I'm the center of attention". 
Simone Zaza (7) also plays in Juventus... A strong, quick, and well-rounded left-footed forward. His powerful and offensive playing style makes him a great footballer. 


Now, after knowing all that, I still have faith that they might win. But like I've mentioned before Germany has an amazingly strong team that isn't afraid of getting up and chase the ball after falling down. They are vicious on the field and won't let anyone down! I still despise the team, can't stand the players, but I can't deny how good they are at football. Even my "twin" said it over Skype last time. I had a talk with him, and he is for Italy as he's Italian, but he also knows that it's going to be a tough game! Every Italian I know is on the edge because our players won't probably make it past the Germans. Now I can't just back down and think negatively... I'm for Italy, always have, always will, and if the lineup collides well I'm sure we have a chance. If they put certain players with the ones they know how to play with, we will do well enough! 

The only sad part about this EuroCup is that my player, Claudio Marchisio, couldn't make it as he was injured, so they have a missing midfield that knows his way around. He can switch to defense to offense really quickly, his athleticism, tackling, vision, a range of passing, and good reading of the game enables him to break down the opposition's play. He is gifted with flair and excellent technical skills. His ability to pass and shoot with both feet, despite being naturally right-footed, make him a threat in the opponent's half, especially in or outside the penalty area. A Juventus legend that is missing in the EuroCup. I miss seeing him play! But then again other players that have not made the team like Pirlo or Balotelli. So we can't just blame the coach for not putting them, but it would have been nice to have them around! Especially against Germany! 

"Forza Azzurri" 

~Bella