You know that moment when a young man hugs you whenever he sees you and throws some mixed messages, some vibes? You know that moment when you come into someone's life and it just had to be at the wrong time but get attached either way?Funny thing is that these situations had happened to me during the same time, or around the same time. A couple of days difference. When I'm writing about it, all I want to do is throw up and forget about it all, but I can't! Humans can't forget that easily especially when love gets in the way. The more I see it, the more I'm growing up, the more I express myself, the more I get hurt, the more I see that humans aren't at all nice. Either we use people for interest or just because we are in need of just love itself.
We accept the love we think we deserve but do we really end up being in a healthy relationship? Do we end up in love with the person? Are we actually always happy? Sometimes, we deserve a whole lot more than what we may believe. Love blinds us, literally, we can't see the flaws, the horrible facts that the other person is just dragging us down completely. We look for ways to believe in the relationship, we try to make excuses and try and try until we are too tired to even bother anymore. Yet, when will that tired day come? When will we realize that this isn't for us? It may take weeks, months, years. All the time you are spending trying to fix something that isn't capable of changing, you are missing out on the opportunity of real, deep love, the one that is innocent, sweet, caring, and beyond wonderful, all this because you believe you can fix what's unfixable. We look too much when really, it's right behind you, ready to catch you before you fall, but instead, we trust the girl instead of the woman!
There's a quote that I came across earlier this year, "The problem is women think he will change, he won't. And men make the mistake of thinking she will never leave, she will." I'm a young woman, I had been in relationships before, long lasting and not so long ones. The quote is true, as a woman, I've assumed that I could make the guy change his mind on a few things, it failed quickly, and the guy never changed. You can't change anyone even if you try your hardest, I wouldn't change for your pretty eyes (unless it's an amelioration of my personality for ex: less caring or less annoying)... It takes two to tango, in a relationship, there are two people. If one of you sacrifice your love for cats and the other doesn't sacrifice anything at all; if one listens to your issues and the other don't bother helping you out with anything, then why are you still trying to save something? Give me some explanation to this catastrophe! I want to understand why people keep fighting for a lost cause, keep fighting for someone who wants to play around while you want to be stable! Why? Why is this always the case? Why do we go for what we know instead of the unknown which will be better anyways...? We are afraid of repeating the past, it's not the future that is scary, it's the past, it's the mistakes, but you are in control of your own destiny so why not take the chance to have something real instead of fighting, constantly with someone who isn't worth your time, your love?! And for the man believing she won't leave, dude, give up on that! A woman can leave you! We are stronger than you think, there's plenty fish in the water, you aren't the only one, and if you are too arrogant to see it, you may end up losing her. I know I can leave a guy, so can my mother even for love. So watch out instead of being too confident, you may lose something worth your while by wasting your time on someone who doesn't deserve you or because you play around too much that she will get tired and leave you helpless!
My last breakup was painful like most of them. I saw it coming and I kept telling myself 'It's going to be over, start getting rid of these feelings before it's too late before you will get hurt a little too much. Handle it before you lose your entire self.' I prepared myself because I saw it coming, it was too much to bare at first, and I cried a bit. No feelings came rushing in, it felt like I was empty, numb, like I was no one, anyone. Terrible way of dealing with this situation. When you breakup you are supposed to cry to let your frustration out, or drink away, party, but crying is part of the process. Yet, all I had was that emptiness that wouldn't leave. It took a good month to feel again, it's not like I was over the guy, tough when you've got his name on you, tattooed. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't cry much, that I would be empty instead of experiencing every feeling. I'm over him now, I learned a lesson, and I'm better. At the time, I thought he was the one, that my feelings were real, but when I look back when I met this new guy, I realized that I was wrong all this time. I never knew what love felt like until that one person opened my eyes. It only took me one simple phrase for me to get attached. One simple thing. Yet, I'm still here writing about how painful love can be. The breakup did a lot more damage than I could ever think. My self-esteem when down hill quickly, faster than anything else. Today, I'm lucky enough to work in front of amazing guys that boost me up, hug me and let me annoy them. Seems like it's nothing but to me, it means the world. They may all be married or in a relationship, but they are still here trying to make me feel all good about myself, make me believe that I am worth a lot more than what I get. Deserve a lot more than I can think.
"When you love someone more than they deserve, you will always end up with more pain than you deserve."
Imagine you have met a great person with amazing qualities. Knows how to talk, and yet seems innocent as well. That person may or may not be taken, you are unsure of it, so you go along, and see what happens. This person, on the other hand, ends up hurting you anyways... They choose the wrong person to play around with, they choose you instead of someone else.
Don't start blaming anyone in this situation, it's no one's fault. Love happens, feelings come around and don't leave this easily. This position that you put yourself into isn't one to be proud of, to be ashamed of either. It could be simple, yet it's complex! If you are a hopeless romantic like me, there is no way in hell that you will control these feelings that kept rushing in as soon as you heard that one phrase, the one you've been wishing someone has said for a long, long time! Mixed messages happened, affection happened, and you fell for it like always. I don't believe I've learned anything from my past relationship because I still hope, have faith in love when all it has done for me is putting me into this horrible situations. I shouldn't be all lovey anymore, yet here I am believing in love, the real love. Why? Well because this time it actually felt real instead of a crush. Somehow, I messed it all up once again and lost everything because that's me. I'm starting to really believe in this family curse on the women. None of the women in my family deserve any deep love with amazing guys except a few, but if you look at my mother or even my deceased grandmother (she didn't have much luck either). It looks like there is a circle between us three that keeps us from getting the one real love. Sounds nuts when I'm typing this all down, I sound pathetic, to be honest... Sorry!
Love is something that no one will entirely comprehend. It's not something that can be touched, it can only be feel. We believe we know how it feels, but we aren't 100% sure until the day you actually feel it yourself. It's not something I can personally describe, I did feel something different from the others, I'm positive of it, a rush in my stomach, couldn't keep my anxiety in control, it was just perfect yet, here I am typing how destructive a hopeless romantic is. We make up scenarios in our heads, we believe it's the one, then get hurt! We put everything for that person, we could give up literally anything for that person, yet the pain comes around anyways because there are two people in a relationship, not just one! Instead of letting go, we are too busy holding on to the things we aren't supposed to hold on to, so we end up thinking that's what we deserve; when in reality what you deserve is right behind you or just in front of you just hiding behind the one that keeps you from looking straight ahead.
Throughout the relationships I had, there's one thing that keeps popping up to me, almost every day.
You could be with someone, sleep next to someone, but don't talk to each other anymore like the two of you are just strangers now. Sometimes, we are afraid of letting go, make the first move, to give up something familiar to get better, to be happy. You can be determined, stubborn like me. I'm a little too stubborn, determined, and I do not forgive people, yet I learned that without giving up, be flexible or open-minded, and forgive at times, the relationship is lost! Without you being in control of your own emotions or beliefs, the relationship is just a lost cause. Being a couple takes work, from both parties, not just one, and if you see that you've been trying but they don't, give up. You aren't going to be a loser, they aren't going be hurt that much, and you'll be much happier because then you'll be able to experience real love instead of fake love!
There is a song that describes this in the most beautiful way possible, and somehow I always end up crying like a baby on it. I would recommend you watch it, listen to the lyrics and try to understand because you'll see that without communication, trust, or anything, the relationship becomes a living nightmare!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUWrcFpmI5U
If you see that the relationship won't go anywhere, break up, move on to better. What's a couple of days of crying when you can have years of full on happiness with someone else?
"Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them."- Hermann Hesse
~Bella
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