Pillow Thoughts - Courtney Peppernell

Christmas 2017...

A remarkable one which gave me the opportunity to have amazing friends who apparently knows me a little too well... Thank you to my really good friend T, I received an unexpected gift, a really cute book called "Pillow Thoughts" by Courtney Peppernell. 

At first, it was intriguing to read, and then it became more and more interesting that I have to read at least a page or two every day. 
So despite the fact that this little book is one of my favourites and I do not want to share it with anyone, I thought it would be nice to share a few lines or a few pages!

Here it goes... Hope you enjoy! 

*If you are Dreaming of Someone*

"You're covered in all these broken promises
from people who said they would never leave. 
Sometimes afraid of your own skin
and the scars that run deep in your veins. 
Are you ready
Are you ready
for someone who could turn you inside out?
No one dares to peel back all the layers of your skin
All this damage,
you're a mess.
Are you ready
Are you ready
Because I want your damaged skin. "

"We cannot all be artists
and I must admit I do not know how to paint
But if I were to take a palette
all my colors would be of you"

*If you are in Love*

"You remind me of home, 
of all the simple things in life, 
of light and love and the reasons, I am not alone.
You remind me of hope,
of the sea and the sky,
every hug and every kiss from your lips to your thighs, 
I have flown around the world and met no one like you
because you are all the things I keep coming back to."

"You know sometimes it's the little details 
that take up the most room in your heart.
How nervous they get
when you tell them you think they're beautiful,
the way they laugh
even if it's not supposed to be funny,
the way they reach for you and they find you through the dark
even if their eyes are 
closed."

"It's the last day of the year
and I still lose myself
in good books
and warm tea,
those quiet nights
and writing your name
on my windshield."

*If you are heartbroken*

"Perhaps it's just easier to smile and predent everything is 

fine, rather than admit my heart's a little swollen from losing

something that wasn't even mine. "

"You didn't have to say anything that night; you did everything

with your body and your eyes. The way you sat next to me, you

were close enough to reach but too far to touch. And your eyes,

those eyes that once said you'd love me forever, now spilled 

tears that this wasn't worth the fight anymore.

When did you become so tired of us?"

*If you are lonely*

"she's the type of girl

that has a place in her heart

for all the lonely people to go

with their forgotten footprints

in the snow"

"There are little pieces of happiness and they are scattered 

through your day. So take a basket with you as you step outside,

fill it up with all the little pieces, and bring it back inside. Take

a moment, just by yourself, take out all the pieces, and place

them on your shelf."

*If you are sad*

"It's exhausting to be locked in your head with all these thoughts

that tie you down. Just for one moment, try with all your might

to let go of all the things that stop you from being you."

"My soul is numb, and I am desperate to feel. In times of distress

and sadness, mornings are no longer forgivable and waking up

isn't ideal."

"Even sadness needs someone in its corner."

*If you are missing someone*

"We are standing at the edge of the world and yet we still do not

meet. You are soaked in daylight and I am covered in the night.

My heart yearns for our eclipse."

"You were always miles away. Maybe you were just always meant 

to be miles away. The distance saw us together in a dream and 

though we were better off without all the mess."

*If you need encouragement*

"emotional and messy

sometimes lost and confused

but if you only realized

the wisdom behind those eyes

with a heart that never lies

would you storm the world

like you haven't a thing to lose?"

"Maybe you're running scared because running is better than

letting someone else in. But the truth is, you can't spend your

whole life running. It's exhausting living in fear. Slow down. 

Chances and risks keep life interesting."

"You just have to surround yourself with people who have the 

same heart as you."

*If you are soul-searching*

"But I am so deeply lost in my own soul, how can I expect

anyone else to understand me?"

"They always say that transitions happen with big events. Like

a wedding, your birthday, or your graduation. But maybe it's

really in the smaller moments, like when you look at yourself 

in the mirror and realize how far you've come or how far you

still, have to go."

"It's so hard to know what to say

To someone who feels so lost,

So I'll stand here for you

In the wind and the rain

And I'll be the lighthouse you need.

Take my hand and breathe again

And I will guide you home."

*If you need a reason to stay*

"Things might not get better tomorrow. You may have many

tomorrows and nothing changes. But that is not the point. The

point of moving through all these tomorrows is to get to the 

one tomorrow that finally does get better."

*These are for you*

"I can't remember what it was like not to know you. I am not

sure if this is because we have met before. As though we have

seen each other in a different time and life and maybe your

soul is the one soul I keep running into. Or maybe it's just

because my life before you wasn't nearly as exciting. All I know

is when we met, we spent the afternoon in front of a beautiful

view, and yet all I could do was look at you."

"I wish there were a better way to tell you how much I love you.

To write it in the sky or dip all my feelings in gold. But the

truth is, it's much simpler than all of those things. All I know is 

is that I wake up each morning and I can never find the words

to explain how much I feel for you."

Hope you enjoyed a few lines from each chapter... Each chapter for a special moment in life! 

I know a little thought like these always makes me think twice about my own self. 

" Make a cup of tea and let yourself feel."- Courtney Peppernell

~Bella

Let's just laugh at this...

You know that moment when a young man hugs you whenever he sees you and throws some mixed messages, some vibes? You know that moment when you come into someone's life and it just had to be at the wrong time but get attached either way?

Funny thing is that these situations had happened to me during the same time, or around the same time. A couple of days difference. When I'm writing about it, all I want to do is throw up and forget about it all, but I can't! Humans can't forget that easily especially when love gets in the way. The more I see it, the more I'm growing up, the more I express myself, the more I get hurt, the more I see that humans aren't at all nice. Either we use people for interest or just because we are in need of just love itself. 
We accept the love we think we deserve but do we really end up being in a healthy relationship? Do we end up in love with the person? Are we actually always happy? Sometimes, we deserve a whole lot more than what we may believe. Love blinds us, literally, we can't see the flaws, the horrible facts that the other person is just dragging us down completely. We look for ways to believe in the relationship, we try to make excuses and try and try until we are too tired to even bother anymore. Yet, when will that tired day come? When will we realize that this isn't for us? It may take weeks, months, years. All the time you are spending trying to fix something that isn't capable of changing, you are missing out on the opportunity of real, deep love, the one that is innocent, sweet, caring, and beyond wonderful, all this because you believe you can fix what's unfixable. We look too much when really, it's right behind you, ready to catch you before you fall, but instead, we trust the girl instead of the woman! 

There's a quote that I came across earlier this year,  "The problem is women think he will change, he won't. And men make the mistake of thinking she will never leave, she will." I'm a young woman, I had been in relationships before, long lasting and not so long ones. The quote is true, as a woman, I've assumed that I could make the guy change his mind on a few things, it failed quickly, and the guy never changed. You can't change anyone even if you try your hardest, I wouldn't change for your pretty eyes (unless it's an amelioration of my personality for ex: less caring or less annoying)... It takes two to tango, in a relationship, there are two people. If one of you sacrifice your love for cats and the other doesn't sacrifice anything at all; if one listens to your issues and the other don't bother helping you out with anything, then why are you still trying to save something? Give me some explanation to this catastrophe! I want to understand why people keep fighting for a lost cause, keep fighting for someone who wants to play around while you want to be stable! Why? Why is this always the case? Why do we go for what we know instead of the unknown which will be better anyways...? We are afraid of repeating the past, it's not the future that is scary, it's the past, it's the mistakes, but you are in control of your own destiny so why not take the chance to have something real instead of fighting, constantly with someone who isn't worth your time, your love?! And for the man believing she won't leave, dude, give up on that! A woman can leave you! We are stronger than you think, there's plenty fish in the water, you aren't the only one, and if you are too arrogant to see it, you may end up losing her. I know I can leave a guy, so can my mother even for love. So watch out instead of being too confident, you may lose something worth your while by wasting your time on someone who doesn't deserve you or because you play around too much that she will get tired and leave you helpless! 

My last breakup was painful like most of them. I saw it coming and I kept telling myself 'It's going to be over, start getting rid of these feelings before it's too late before you will get hurt a little too much. Handle it before you lose your entire self.' I prepared myself because I saw it coming, it was too much to bare at first, and I cried a bit. No feelings came rushing in, it felt like I was empty, numb, like I was no one, anyone. Terrible way of dealing with this situation. When you breakup you are supposed to cry to let your frustration out, or drink away, party, but crying is part of the process. Yet, all I had was that emptiness that wouldn't leave. It took a good month to feel again, it's not like I was over the guy, tough when you've got his name on you, tattooed. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't cry much, that I would be empty instead of experiencing every feeling. I'm over him now, I learned a lesson, and I'm better. At the time, I thought he was the one, that my feelings were real, but when I look back when I met this new guy, I realized that I was wrong all this time. I never knew what love felt like until that one person opened my eyes. It only took me one simple phrase for me to get attached. One simple thing. Yet, I'm still here writing about how painful love can be. The breakup did a lot more damage than I could ever think. My self-esteem when down hill quickly, faster than anything else. Today, I'm lucky enough to work in front of amazing guys that boost me up, hug me and let me annoy them. Seems like it's nothing but to me, it means the world. They may all be married or in a relationship, but they are still here trying to make me feel all good about myself, make me believe that I am worth a lot more than what I get. Deserve a lot more than I can think. 

 "When you love someone more than they deserve, you will always end up with more pain than you deserve."

Imagine you have met a great person with amazing qualities. Knows how to talk, and yet seems innocent as well. That person may or may not be taken, you are unsure of it, so you go along, and see what happens. This person, on the other hand, ends up hurting you anyways... They choose the wrong person to play around with, they choose you instead of someone else. 

Don't start blaming anyone in this situation, it's no one's fault. Love happens, feelings come around and don't leave this easily. This position that you put yourself into isn't one to be proud of, to be ashamed of either. It could be simple, yet it's complex! If you are a hopeless romantic like me, there is no way in hell that you will control these feelings that kept rushing in as soon as you heard that one phrase, the one you've been wishing someone has said for a long, long time! Mixed messages happened, affection happened, and you fell for it like always. I don't believe I've learned anything from my past relationship because I still hope, have faith in love when all it has done for me is putting me into this horrible situations. I shouldn't be all lovey anymore, yet here I am believing in love, the real love. Why? Well because this time it actually felt real instead of a crush. Somehow, I messed it all up once again and lost everything because that's me. I'm starting to really believe in this family curse on the women. None of the women in my family deserve any deep love with amazing guys except a few, but if you look at my mother or even my deceased grandmother (she didn't have much luck either). It looks like there is a circle between us three that keeps us from getting the one real love. Sounds nuts when I'm typing this all down, I sound pathetic, to be honest... Sorry! 

Love is something that no one will entirely comprehend. It's not something that can be touched, it can only be feel. We believe we know how it feels, but we aren't 100% sure until the day you actually feel it yourself. It's not something I can personally describe, I did feel something different from the others, I'm positive of it, a rush in my stomach, couldn't keep my anxiety in control, it was just perfect yet, here I am typing how destructive a hopeless romantic is. We make up scenarios in our heads, we believe it's the one, then get hurt! We put everything for that person, we could give up literally anything for that person, yet the pain comes around anyways because there are two people in a relationship, not just one! Instead of letting go, we are too busy holding on to the things we aren't supposed to hold on to, so we end up thinking that's what we deserve; when in reality what you deserve is right behind you or just in front of you just hiding behind the one that keeps you from looking straight ahead. 

Throughout the relationships I had, there's one thing that keeps popping up to me, almost every day. 
You could be with someone, sleep next to someone, but don't talk to each other anymore like the two of you are just strangers now. Sometimes, we are afraid of letting go, make the first move, to give up something familiar to get better, to be happy. You can be determined, stubborn like me. I'm a little too stubborn, determined, and I do not forgive people, yet I learned that without giving up, be flexible or open-minded, and forgive at times, the relationship is lost! Without you being in control of your own emotions or beliefs, the relationship is just a lost cause. Being a couple takes work, from both parties, not just one, and if you see that you've been trying but they don't, give up. You aren't going to be a loser, they aren't going be hurt that much, and you'll be much happier because then you'll be able to experience real love instead of fake love! 
There is a song that describes this in the most beautiful way possible, and somehow I always end up crying like a baby on it. I would recommend you watch it, listen to the lyrics and try to understand because you'll see that without communication, trust, or anything, the relationship becomes a living nightmare! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUWrcFpmI5U

If you see that the relationship won't go anywhere, break up, move on to better. What's a couple of days of crying when you can have years of full on happiness with someone else? 

"Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them."- Hermann Hesse

~Bella