"Aithníonn ciaróg ciaróg eile"

"A beetle recognises another beetle" or simply... "It takes ones to know one"... 

A friend of mine once told me that quote and since that day, it hasn't left me. Irish... Oh, don't I miss hearing it on the train or seeing it written on almost everything. 

I would have never thought I would be in another country when my mother was in Ireland. I would have never thought that I wouldn't be there when she was. And yet... There it was, the "never would happen", happened! 

I'm in France and she is in Ireland since November 27th when she arrived in Dublin. 

Despite my love for my dear mother, a part of me envy her. Jealous to see how she is home while I ain't, while she made a choice with my friend to make me leave the country. 

Hard to explain how something so tiny can affect you. Hard to recognise that it was for the best... 

I wouldn't change what happened, but accepting it has become harder each day.

Ireland, a country takes a whole lot of my love (don't worry, it seems like I have a big enough heart to hold a lot more), and I cannot deny it. It's only a feeling of belonging to a place where I can breathe fresh air, hold myself warm in a blanket while watching the rain outside the living room window, the smell of Guinness spilled on the pub's floor... Missing the long train rides, and the walks along the waterfront. I miss it all, but what can it do to dwell on it all? 

Keeping a good memory of it, trying to get the same tea brand back in France, the same scents which I do find when I walk by a bakery (surprisingly) and let's be honest, I do miss my fish and chips... I miss calling fries "chips" and miss speaking English or hearing it all the bloody time between the accents and the expressions... 

Funny thing is I could go on and on about everything I miss about Ireland and not get tired of it. I wouldn't mind stating every good thing and bad ones as well just to get it out of my chest... But what a boring post would that be... 

So to get back to the point of this post if does have one... I need to make a choice. To decide what's next for me, for my health, my relationships, my future. Sounds completely idiotic considering I'm still in my early twenties but trust me, if I could have been thirthy like my friend, I would! 

Choices... Hilarious... My last choice, wasn't mine, all I did was follow it through without crying my eyes out. Where should I go? Should I stay in France for a while and see where it leads me? Or should I save up every penny to move back to Ireland...? 

I can't even write a proper post. How regretable! All I can think of is how pathetic I may sound when I tell myself that everything is fine, but my facial expressions tell a different story. Because deep down, I'm completely lost. Lost between what is needed for me at the moment and what I truly desire which is a blur, a fogged out little thought that won't come through to let me make a decision. 

Why? Why is so complex to make a decision? 

Sometimes, I wish I was back in in a different time period kind of like how the TV show "Outlander" made it... Falling in love with a brave Scottish soldier, seeing something else, be someone else, start fresh and be lost ... 

What can I say, one can only dream! 

~Bella

Little by little...

Apologizes to everyone for not blogging for two weeks... Two busy weeks which turned into a living nightmare when I got to meet new people. Nightmare wouldn't be the best word to describe it as I was the happiest person on Earth at the time...

Meeting new people could be terrifying, awfully terrifying.

Not too long ago, I had to meet new people, talk to them, drink and eat with them... Not in a million years, I would have imagined myself getting interested in knowing more about a family, and yet, I got interested.
Not in a million years, I would have thought about getting involved in such a complex story... And yet, here I am getting myself attached! 

Complexity should be my middle name, each time, I try to put myself out there, be there for certain people, something stupidly emerge from the shadows to destroy what I try my hardest to do or not do.

I strongly believe it's part of that curse, the one I talked about a few articles ago.

Meeting these new people made me realize how much I was homesick. Homesick for Europe, the food, the conversations, the jokes, the drinks, the pubs, the people, everything... Homesick ...

Despite the fact that I've been living in California for over 9 years, I don't feel like home, not fully. I feel out of place half the time, even though I enjoy lots of things around the beautiful city I live in, it's not the same. It's not me. Not my culture, my view on life, my ways of saying or doing things... I even try to stop my accent from ruining my day, afraid to have someone ask me to repeat many many times what I just said.
I don't believe I've been this homesick for a while, nor ever before. I always contained the feelings which would rush in, unexpectedly. But now, more than ever before, I miss everything, the people mostly, but everything in general. And being around Europeans is far from helping. How can I not miss where I'm from? I feel like I'm myself when I'm around Europeans, no more restrictions, no more stupidity... I can say whatever I wish and no one argues or diminishes me. It's fantastic but being homesick is far from being a nice, warm feeling.

When you are living in a country that isn't yours, that doesn't feel like you belong there, the ties you once had with your hometown becomes stronger. You start missing everything, little by little.

I wouldn't write about the subject if I wasn't crying my eyes out. Sounds pathetic when I say it this way, but I can't just lie about what's going on. Since Monday the 27th, everyone I met before Thanksgiving left back to their countries, leaving me to my thoughts. These horrible, one-way thoughts. The ones who try very hard to make you move away from the city you are currently living in. Don't pretend like you've never had a strange feeling of just leaving everything behind to start all over again? Or else I look insane... Cause that is what I want to do right this moment. 

Don't believe I have no friends around, I do, but it's not the same, not the people I feel like I can call "home" in a way. I'm quite lucky to have certain people in my life such as my good friend T... I don't know what I would do without her, we are kind of like an old couple at times, but that makes us be special in certain ways. I love it and I would hate myself for leaving in such a hurry without her. However, I wasn't born and raised in California or the USA. I was raised in Europe, born there, and my mentality is full on European. I have more enemies than friends, I say whatever comes to my head and even though I believe America has many opportunities, I still don't understand half of what Californians do (not even close to understanding).  

Even with many reasons behind me, supporting me on staying in California, a part of me just says, "Leave the place, you are far from being happy. Move away, start again, meet new people and create a new life where you can build something happy for yourself." 
Sounds amazing, leaving behind the past, the pain, the rumors, the hate, people who prefer to hate you instead of understanding you. Sounds fantastic and yet... 

I don't belong in this country, but how am I going to move away? Should I leave without thinking of the future first? Should I just wait and see if I meet the right person where I am at the moment? Should I just forget everything and everyone and do my own thing, wishing it will be the best decision? 

So many questions, and no answer...

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."

~Bella

More questions that got asked...

I thought it was time to respond to a few other questions that people have asked me before.
Never believed people would actually ask many questions, where do you get the answers, though?
I mean, I understand how you can ask questions, got plenty of them myself, but when it comes to answers, it becomes the tricky part... Very tough part!

Here are the questions and the answers...

What is the oddest thing you do or did?

Long answer! I hate odd numbers except 5, that one is fine, but somehow, I take number 3 in consideration. For example, if I really enjoy a novel from a writer, I have to buy at least three novels from the person. I need at least three cups of coffee a day, or more, but three is the least I'll go! Don't know exactly when I realized how odd and absurd it sounded, but I started looking at patterns. It became common to my knowledge that I was indeed getting along with the number three. Then I went back to my past, childhood, I was always with my mother and brother, so three of us. I had three best friends, not just one, and at night before bedtime, I would have to listen to the same song three times before closing my eyes. Three different bedsheets, three type of tea that I absolutely love, and other little things like that. I don't know if you have to have a certain number of certain things, but it seems like I do. Funny thing is that it doesn't happen with everything, good news for me or else I'll have three pairs of the same jacket but in three different colors. Lunatic much considering I don't have a preference with any number.  I have to say it's odd enough for me so it can be odd enough for everyone.


How come you help everyone but don't let anyone help you?

Umm, I think I've answered this question before... It's easier to help others, it makes me happy to see that I was able to help, give advice and succeeded in making someone smile. It proves I can do something nice for others instead of being brutally honest. Giving my compassion, leave in the middle of a movie to cheer a friend up, or just send a little short text message is all that may take for someone to feel better, happier. I, personally, don't like to have people feel alone in a time of crisis, it's quite horrible! 

Why do you cry so much in movies?

How many of you cry in movies? Come on... Many of us cry, I ain't the only one. It proves I care about people's emotions! It shows that I do get compassionate. Crying is part of life when something sad comes on, feelings rush in, you can't control it all the time. Like in Harry Potter, I mean it's not that sad and it's action like than a drama, it's fiction, yet I managed to cry in multiple scenes. Do I regret it, no, will I cry again, yes. I'm a human being, I let it run down my face sometimes, it's not a crime.    

Where would you love to live in the future? 

I've always loved Italy, it's in my blood, but when you talk about Italy it feels like "home" more than my birth country ever felt. Italy would be my first choice, but then again I still have Ireland in my heart as well. My Celtic blood comes around once a while and reminds me that Ireland would be the best place ever for a writer, for a lover of rain and cliffs. On one side, you've got the Italian food, the wine, the hand gestures, the history, the art, the movies, the romance... On the other side, the cliffs, the sea, the green grass, the beer, another history, the unexpected traditions, the rain and wind, the laughter, the little houses... If I could, I would live half of the time in both countries. Can't always decide these such amazing decisions. Ireland, Italy... Love and mysteries! I just love both countries mostly because I've got that home feeling attached to them both, and to add up to the fairytale, I can see myself in a little house, looking out the window, watching, and writing novels. 

Have you always wanted to be a writer?

Funny thing is I never thought I would be writing a novel in a million years. Back in second grade, the teacher asked us to draw a picture of our future job. As you may imagine, each child had firemen or police officers draw on their pieces of papers, while others had teachers, doctors... Except me. I drew a tall chair for the judge and a lawyer at the bottom, looking up. I wanted to be a judge, one to specialize in children issues. Sounds insane, completely nuts, but that's what I wanted, justice. I was obsessed with laws, but also history which also made me look deeper into other subjects. Yet, I was still hooked on the law, convinced I would be able to change someone's life. When I look back, the teacher must have thought I was crazy. That dream of mine was crushed violently when I had to deal with real lawyers, and when I arrived in California. Thank you to insane money maker school, you have to spend millions to get some type of good education to become a great lawyer, or drown yourself in debt for the good major part of your life. Law in America is different from the European one, and when you think of going back to your origins, international is the only option, yet, expensive, and forget about the years you have to spend in a school. Not for me. 

What's your point on the government at the moment?

I don't think you are ready to actually hear my opinion as it may be highly different from many of you! Like to me immigrants, refugees are human beings just like you and me but with a different lifestyle. You don't have bombs destroying your house, or getting killed because you are having a religion. They are usually running away from destroyed lives to better countries who will accept them because they are nice people. But no... Now it's only money, power, being "WHITE" and rich that counts. Let's go back to late 1930's, let's go back to WWII, let's go back to fascism, racism, and sexism. It seems like history is repeating itself, the only good thing that we didn't have back then was all the new technologies that we have now. And yes, technology is nice, but let's be honest, when were political people nice? It will be used for all the wrong reasons! The world is been destroying by our doing when we will stop?

Final question,  kisses or cuddles? 

What a silly question, I'm affectionate so kisses and cuddles. What type of person did you think I was, how can I choose? It's nearly impossible! Kisses are just as enjoyable as cuddles... It's physical touch! Come on! 


I don't think you'll learn much from these little questions, and I didn't want to write novels about them, tried to keep it simple. It makes me realize that I can write about love with more ease than my own self. 

It's Friday, I didn't want another love article to end the week, but something a little more personal. 

~Bella

Let's change everything about you...

"You sure you want to dress like this?" He asked with a fake smile on his face making me want to vomit. 

This situation had sadly happened to me a few times, and even though I'm quite headstrong, when it's your boyfriend asking you this, you change your clothes immediately! It starts like this, little comments, then it becomes like this:

"Oh, your opinion doesn't count, you aren't a professional, you don't know what you're talking about. You should just stay quiet!" 

This happened to me many times... I lost count after 11... To tell the truth, I would have rather have forgotten about how many times these types of comments affected me dearly. 

I don't want to generalize everyone so do NOT take it personally! If you do, though, maybe you should take a good look at yourself... 

To debut, I have to say that it affects women and men! Both gender not just women, but since I'm one, obviously my experience might slightly be different than what a guy might experience! 

I've done this once, only once... 

I have been in a relationship with a sweet guy, who were complimenting me enough and made me smile. At first, everything seems perfect (don't try and deny it, we all know that's true), then slowly, both people open up, are more themselves... In my case, I was always myself, I didn't try to hide or fake something. But after a couple months, little comments like the first phrase began to come up a lot more than usual. It would be casual, but still, it was there. So I did what others in love young woman would do, change the way I was dressed or how I put my hair up or down... Started as little... Then the comments would be more around my personality. " You should be quiet..." or " I didn't like how you smiled at the waiter, it was too flirty..." Like really? 

Comments like these are just annoying, and it shows that the other person wants to change you. It's not right, and no one should try to change another human being! 
I'm not trying to tell you to just be quiet, not tell the other person that something bothers you, but there are ways to say these things! Don't aggress, or make the person feel terrible for what they may have done! 

Tell them calmly, don't try to push anything, you can't change anyone, but if that person wants to ameliorate their ways of doing things, they will under their own time, not yours. Don't push it or else you will ending pushing them away, losing them. We wouldn't want that to happen! Communication is key, yes, but don't try and control the other person, they aren't your property to rule over, there are no laws in love, so don't make any! 
For example: 
If you have trouble with the way the other person is dressed, don't say, "Don't wear that" or " You look like a sl**" Don't insult, just be like, "Honey, I don't think this fits well, do you have anything you can wear. I don't think it's appropriate for the occasion." 
It's that simple, but don't overdo it either, after all, people are free to say and do as they want! 

Now, there are some good changes in life and relationships! 

You can change into someone better, ameliorate your ways of expressing yourself (that's a big issue of mine). When you are changing your way of living, leaving the past behind you and concentrate on your future. Or even when you change the way you view ideas... These are the good changes, and it's wonderful. The more you grow up, mature up, we all evolve in our ways and time. We change perspective, change our views, change our destiny in a way! Just don't try and change your partner because you don't like something! They aren't yours, they aren't your property, you have no rights to try to change or even help someone change without approval. 

Just be yourself and let them be, accept and keep growing as a couple! We all deserve to be happy so don't destroy something beautiful because you have a clear idea of how you want your other half to be like. There is no one like you imagine, take the good instead of trying to find perfection. 

"Don't let anyone change who you are, to become what they need." - Margott

~Bella