Having a difficult time resolve a conflict?

Last time we talked about flexibility for children and I thought it was a good reminder for adults... Today, we are talking about...

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Teaching kids to solve their problems. 

WHAT IS IT?

" Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it." - Dorothy Thomas

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?

Conflict is part of life. No matter what line of work your child eventually chooses, he will need to be able to wirk with others and deal with the inevitable conflicts that go along with that. Conflict is also a natural part of friendships. Your child will need the skills to deal with conflict in a safe and reasonable way. 

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

* Uses techniques to "cool off" before speaking

* Listens when others are speaking

* Is able to express themselves clearly and calmly

* Gives reasonable solutions to the problem

How you can help your child

1. Coach them through it

Each conflict your child encounters with another child can be a learning experience. Each of these experiences, if handled well, will add up to a child who is able to resolve their own conflicts peacefully. Instead of "rescuing" or solving your child's problems, coach them through it. Support them when needed, but ultimately leave it up to them to find a reasonable solution to their problem.

2. Teach I message

When frustrated, it's easy to place blame on others. Teach your child how to give an "I" message. The format looks like this: "I feel_____, when you _____" For example, your child could say, "I feel upset when you call me by my nickname, please stop." This format places emphasis on how the child is feeling, and not on who is to blame. "I" messages may feel unnatural to your child at first, but eventually they will become second nature.

3. Show them how to apologize

There will be many times when your child will be on the offending side of a conflict. It's important that your child knows how to give a meaningful apology. Hero's a helpful format: "You felt ____, when I _____, next time I will ____" For example, your child could say, "You felt angry when I took your toy, next time I will ask before I borrow it."

4. Practice, practice, practice

Use any opportunity to discuss conflict resolution with your child. TV shows, movies, and books all open up the opportunity to talk about what each character could do to resolve their conflicts. If your child is struggling with conflict resolution, it may be helpful to "role play" how they could appropriately react to situations that they may face at school. 

Conflicts are one issue that everyone have to handle, daily. Some of us will get our anger out by shouting, others will ignore the problem and move on. We act differently when overcoming our fears, regrets and conflicts. Children are taught how to deal with them a certain way, instead of pushing or pulling another's hair, they have to communicate. Adults are the same! In my opinion, adults are pretty much like children. We never fully "grow up", there are always little things that makes us kids, inside. Look how we handle economic crisis, or disagreement on religion or oil land, we go to war, we use violence to deal with conflicts instead of talking to one another. I'm talking about big crisis, but let's see how we deal with small ones. For instance, imagine you are a calm driver, stuck in traffic to go to the LAX airport. You are peacefully listening to your music when the car behind you bump into your car. What will you do? Some will get out and start shouting, "Where is your insurance, it's your fault..." Does this sound very sweet and peaceful? No! Others will pull over on the side of the road, ask if everyone is alright, ask about what happened, the insurance, make sure that everyone is doing alright, and calmly take each other's information. Does this sound more nice? I believe so. Sadly, our society isn't all this peaceful. Some people never learned how to manage conflicts, and as adults, they still don't know.

Why wait to teach your children how to 

manager their anger, to manage situation, resolve conflicts? Why? It's never too early! Children are like sponges, they will absorb informations without difficulties, it may take practice, but at the end, you'll be proud of the work you put into teaching them such an amazing life lesson! Instead of killing someone over a slight arguement, they will be communicating and fixing the problem without shouting and making no sense of what they are saying! 

"We must teach our children to resolve their conflict with words, not weapons." - William J. Clinton

~Bella